FADE IN:

EXT. PLAYGROUND

DANIEL RADCLIFFE hangs out at a CHILDREN'S PLAYGROUND in a vain attempt to make it look like he's not a 35-YEAR-OLD MAN.

HARRY MELLING

Oh look, it's my good for nothing sort-of brother.  How's your mother, Daniel, aside from being dead? Har har har!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

What?  I know you're supposed to be kind of a dick and all, but nobody in real life would make a joke about someone having dead parents.  Well, maybe Dane Cook.

HARRY MELLING

Thug lyfe, son!  That's how I riggity roll!

Suddenly HARRY and DANIEL are attacked by DEMENTORS!  DANIEL saves MELLING using MAGIC, then carries him home.

RICHARD GRIFFITHS

What have you done to my son?!  Tomorrow he has to stand outside The Gap at the mall and glower at middle-aged white people!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Holy Jesus, what happened to you? It's time to lay off the snacks or you'll never make it to the last movie, buddy.

An OWL delivers a LETTER.

LETTER

Dear Mr. Radcliffe.  It has come to our attention that you performed a magical spell in front of a muggle.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

You mean the same muggle who's currently watching a talking envelope?

LETTER

That's the one!  You are hereby expelled!

RICHARD GRIFFITHS

Ha!  I'm delighted to hear this despite the fact that it means you'll be around all the time now!

DANIEL escapes to PROTAGONIST HEADQUARTERS where he runs into everyone from the series that hasn't wound up EVIL or DEAD yet, including BRENDAN GLEESON, DAVID THEWLIS, and GARY OLDMAN.

BRENDAN GLEESON

Arr, it be good to see ya, matey.

DAVID THEWLIS

I hate to prolong the suspense, but your suspension has been suspended until a formal trial.

GARY OLDMAN

If there's one thing kids love to see, it's political red tape and courtroom trials.

DANIEL finds EMMA WATSON and RUPERT GRINT!

EMMA WATSON

Daniel!  I'm so glad to see you!

AUDIENCE

You eighteen yet?  I'd really like for you to come over here and ride my--

EMMA WATSON

Next movie.

AUDIENCE

--my magical broomstick!  Oh what a fantastic world of innocent whimsy!  Tra-la-la!

DANIEL and RUPERT'S FATHER, MARK WILLIAMS, take the SUBWAY to get to DANIEL'S trial.

MARK WILLIAMS

So odd, these muggles don't even have subway gates that open automatically for us!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

The same muggles that use things like e-mail and text messages instead of owls and talking envelopes?  Yeah, they're cavemen.

INT. COURTROOM

DANIEL sits in the center of a room, being judged by a jury of wizards and witches.  ROBERT HARDY presides.

ROBERT HARDY

Daniel is clearly guilty.  All in favor of the death penalty, say aye.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Wait, I didn't do anything wrong!  I had to defend myself, the CGI was overwhelming!

MICHAEL GAMBON

Daniel had no choice!  If the movies don't at least start similarly to the books, people will revolt.  It's not until the middle that we can really fuck everything up.

Everyone VOTES on if DANIEL should be expelled or not, and the MAJORITY votes no.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I don't get a jury of peers and a unanimous vote?  Nice to see that this super advanced magical society can still lack even the most rudimentary justice system.

MICHAEL GAMBON walks away without speaking a word to DANIEL.  Luckily, GAMBON is already super likeable.

INT. HOGWARTS

We endure yet another scene of MICHAEL GAMBON addressing the CAST during DINNER.

MICHAEL GAMBON

Welcome to another year at Hogwarts!  You will notice we have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.  I'd like to assure you all that this one won't be the film's villain, but you all know better by now.

IMELDA STAUNTON

Good evening, students!  I'm so excited to be imposing my authoritarian rule upon you all!  From now on, all kids must pull their pants all the way up and there shall be no more fun whatsoever!

RUPERT GRINT

No fun?  How can someone go and make this school not fun!?

EMMA WATSON

Yeah, whenever we're not being nearly murdered by an endless supply of magical demons, this place is a blast!

DANIEL calls a meeting with all of the other kids.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Since Imelda is such a raging pink twat, we're going to have to teach ourselves how to fight.  Who's with me?

EMMA WATSON

Daniel, you have my books!

BONNIE WRIGHT

And my wand!

JAMES AND OLIVER PHELPS

And my pranks!

RUPERT GRINT

Great, now we just need a place to practice.

EMMA WATSON

The room of unoriginality!  It's a room that exists whenever the story needs it to!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Wow, J.K. Rowling isn't even trying anymore, huh?  Whatever, let's go.

IMELDA and her henchman, TOM FELTON, try to catch the students entering the room but fail.  Apparently the kids never LEAVE either.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Alright, it's like two hours in and we're only just getting started.  Let me teach you some basic spells, even though I've only really learned one spell outside of the school cirriculum.

Scene after scene of children learning new things at a SCHOOL take place.

RUPERT GRINT

Bloody hell, did the filmmakers decide the biggest flaw with the other movies was that they didn't accurately portray education?

Eventually IMELDA takes a sledehammer to the wall and catches the kids.  This relied on getting a confession from KATIE LEUNG for some reason, even though IMELDA already knew where the kids were.

IMELDA and ROBERT HARDY confront MICHAEL GAMBON.

IMELDA STAUNTON

I knew it! Michael Gambon was forming these kids into an army!

MICHAEL GAMBON

Where should we be putting our focus?  I'll tell you where our enemies are putting it, they're putting it on the kids!

ROBERT HARDY

Michael, I'm going to have to place you under arrest.

MICHAEL uses MAGIC to disappear.

ROBERT HARDY

Magic, fuck!

EXT. THE WOODS

DANIEL, EMMA, and RUPERT meet ROBBIE COLTRANE in the woods.

ROBBIE COLTRANE

Hey kids!  I just wanted you to meet my brother.  He's a dumb giant, and he looks like George W. Bush for some reason.

RUPERT GRINT

This thing isn't supposed to even remotely look like a living, breathing creature, right?  It's just supposed to be a Pixar rendering in the middle of the movie?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

I don't get it, what does this have to do with anything else in the movie?  How does this help us with Imelda?  I thought you called us here so you could help!

ROBBIE COLTRANE

What?  No, I can't help you.  I just can't collect a paycheck unless I'm in the movie.  Good luck with all that new villain and such.

INT. HOGWARTS

Back in the school, IMELDA takes over as HEADMASTER and imposes even more TOTALLY LAME RULES, like NO KISSING, OMG!

IMELDA STAUNTON

From now on, you kids will have to take the OWLS.  They are just like SATS, but lamer!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

That's right kids, the SATs are just a waste of time imposed by douchebag fascists!  By the way, make sure to consult your McDonalds training manual for the correct amount of salt to use for the fries.

EMMA WATSON

How will we overcome this oppressive tyrant!?

RUPERT GRINT

We could try just not giving a shit.

EMMA WATSON

Oh.  That was easy.

The kids suddenly STOP CARING.  Some CENTAURS come by, transform IMELDA into a CARTOON, and drag her off to TOONTOWN.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Alright, listen everyone.  I think Gary Oldman is in trouble.  We must go to the "Department of Fuckton of Orbs" and rescue him.

INT. DEPARTMENT OF FUCKTON OF ORBS

DANIEL, EMMA, RUPERT, BONNIE WRIGHT, EVANNA LYNCH, and MATTHEW LEWIS enter and look for GARY.

BONNIE WRIGHT

Are we in the garage of an eBay fanatic or something?

MATTHEW LEWIS

Have I told anyone lately how much I miss my parents?  Because I'm pretty sure I don't get any lines in the next movie and I'd really like to talk about it.

EVANNA LYNCH

Trapeze bananas romantically fire grapefruits with patiently.

Suddenly HELENA BONHAM CARTER and JASON ISSACS enter.  The kids run, knocking over a shelf of ORBS which causes all of the other shelves to fall over, destroying all of the ORBS.

RUPERT GRINT

This seems like a really bad way of storing orbs.

EMMA WATSON

Oh no, we're completely outmatched by a girly-looking blond guy and the only actress laying it on thicker than me!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Relax, everyone.  I've survived four of these movies and if there's one thing I'm sure of it's that I'll always be rescued by some deus ex machina at the last second.

Suddenly, BRENDAN GLEESON, DAVID THEWLIS, and GARY OLDMAN show up!  There is a WAND BATTLE ROYALE, which basically just looks like a bunch of people flailing around randomly without touching.

GARY OLDMAN

Lightning bolt!  Lightning bolt!

Eventually, HELENA kills GARY and everyone else just sort of LEAVES.  DANIEL is confronted by RALPH FIENNES.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Oh fuck.  Do I only get one deus ex machina per movie, or am I allowed two?

Suddenly, MICHAEL GAMBON shows up to fight RALPH.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Oh, good.  Almost thought I'd have to sack up for a second there.

RALPH FIENNES

The circle is now complete!  When I left you, I was but the learner, now I am the master!

MICHAEL GAMBON

Only a master of tolerating hours in makeup, Ralph!

MICHAEL defeats RALPH using A PROTON PACK.  Everyone goes back to the school, bruised and bleeding.

RUPERT GRINT

I hate field trips.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

You know, guys... no matter how powerful Ralph Fiennes is, we have something he'll never have.

EMMA WATSON

What's that?

DANIEL RADCLIFFE

The fact that we were never in Maid in Manhattan.

END