FADE IN:

INT. ARNIE'S APARTMENT

ARNIE

Look, it is very DARK in my apartment and I am holding a GUN to my HEAD. This proves I am a serious actor playing a serious character.

DIRECTOR PETER HYAMS

It also proves I know how to rip off Lethal Weapon.

KEVIN POLLACK

Excuse me, Serious Arnie, but as your best friend, partner, zany sidekick and all-around red-shirted-Star-Trek guy, I must remind you that we have to go deal with a crazed gunman and do some action-movie stuff.

ARNIE

I shall do so, extremely seriously. Look, I am unshaven and grizzled.

ARNIE proceeds to DANGLE from a HELICOPTER very grimly.

INT. DISGUSTING APARTMENT

KEVIN POLLACK

So this is where the wacko priest gunman lived. It's almost as dark as your own apartment.

ARNIE

This proves that this is a serious and dark thriller.

PETER HYAMS

And that I can rip off Se7en.

CCH POUNDER

As a police officer, I should arrest you both for interfering with our investigation; but it's so goddamned dark in here I can barely see anything. (bumps into table) Where's the door?

ARNIE

(staring)

I am very serious.

INT. UDO KIER'S HOUSE

UDO KIER is having dinner with his wife and daughter when GABRIEL BYRNE arrives.

UDO KIER

Hey, you're that priest from Stigmata, right?

GABRIEL BYRNE

No, although my appearance is identical, this time I am Satan. To prove it I will simultaneously fuck your wife, daughter, both aunts, grandmother, great-aunt, your daughter's prom committee, and your pet ferret.

UDO KIER

Well this is, after all, a serious adult action thriller. Be sure to display plenty of breasts.

GABRIEL BYRNE

You got it. Do ferrets have breasts?

INT. VERY NICE HOUSE WHICH IS NONETHELESS KIND OF DARK

ARNIE and KEVIN POLLACK are checking up a lead.

TOKEN BRIDE OF SATAN

Hello. These are my breasts.

ARNIE looks serious.

TOKEN BRIDE OF SATAN

Would you like an...... APPLE???????!!!!????????

Before the deft symbolism can be taken further, EVIL PRIESTS barge in and a very serious GUNFIGHT ensues, cumulating in KEVIN POLLACK getting blown up and MIRIAM MARGOYLES kicking the living shit out of ARNIE before he and the TOKEN BRIDE escape.

AUDIENCE

Wow, Miriam Margoyles kicked Arnie's butt. He'll have to watch out for her later...

GABRIEL BYRNE

I am very disappointed, Miriam Margoyles. You must die.

MIRIAM MARGOYLES

But I'm one of the only characters that has lasted more than two seconds against Arnie.... wouldn't it be more strategically valuable if....

GABRIEL BYRNE

But you are also a good actress and my acting supremacy must go unquestioned.

He KILLS MIRIAM MARGOYLES. While he's at it, he also dispatches with CCH POUNDER and UDO KIER leaving him the only good actor left.

CCH POUNDER

(expiring)

At least I didn't have to show my breasts.

INT. CHURCH

ARNIE and TOKEN BRIDE have gone to PRIEST ROD STEIGER for help.

ARNIE

Satan will be coming after us. We must summon all our powers of seriousness and pretension.

ROD STEIGER

We must defeat him before 12:01 AM New Year's Day because of the millenium.

ARNIE

Huh? Local time?

ROD STEIGER

Umm, bullshit bullshit bullshit.

ARNIE

I see now.

AUDIENCE

What the fuck? That didn't explain anything. Even if our calendar accurately placed the Birth of Christ, which it doesn't, why would it be American time and not Bethlehem time, and what about the invention of leap years, and......

ARNIE

Quiet!! You are undermining my serious movie.

AUDIENCE

No worse than you are.

Suddenly KEVIN POLLACK arrives wearing exactly the same clothes as when he got BLOWN UP.

KEVIN POLLACK

Hey look! I'm actually A-OK and not in any way a tool of Satan now.

ARNIE

There is no arguing with that. I shall entrust you with the safety of the girl and her breasts.

KEVIN POLLACK gives the TOKEN BRIDE to GABRIEL BYRNE and they all leave.

ARNIE

(nailing himself grimly to a cross)

Damnit.

INT. SECRET UNDERGROUND SATANIC GOTH INDUSTRIAL RAVE COMPLEX

ARNIE, carrying EVERY GUN IN NEW YORK, has snuck up on GABRIEL BYRNE just as he is about to have SEX with the TOKEN BRIDE.

ARNIE

If I can just destroy Gabriel Byrne, then I won't have to deal with his superior acting and maybe I'll have a fighting chance.

He SHOOTS GABRIEL BYRNE into so much SHIT, who recomposes himself and attacks again, only to be blown into more SHIT. The cycle repeats.

PETER HYAMS

Look! It's Terminator 2!

Finally, the CGI SATAN leaves the carcass of GABRIEL BYRNE and enters ARNIE instead.

TOKEN BRIDE

Are you okay, Arnie?

ARNIE

(grimly)

No, now I am possessed by CGI SATAN. You can tell because I am acting differently.

AUDIENCE

No, you're not.

ARNIE

(desperately trying to act differently)

Yes.. YES, I AM.... ARRRGHHH.... I....

ARNIE'S HEAD EXPLODES, and CGI SATAN flees back to HELL.

TOKEN BRIDE

So remember, audience; sometimes guns aren't the answer, but right up until the last possible minute they are. Smart people are evil, and only terrible acting can save us from Hell on Earth. Merry Christmas!!

The TOKEN BRIDE and ROD STEIGER flash their BREASTS.

END