FADE IN:

INT. CIRCUS

SAM ELLIOTT (V.O.)

Well, I'd like to tell ya'll a little story. See, there's thishere devil, and he's a-collectin' souls. But there's thishere other character, yahear? And he calls himself.. the dude. Er, the Ghost Rider. Ghost Rider.

YOUNG NICOLAS CAGE fawns over YOUNG EVA MENDES.

YOUNG NICOLAS CAGE

I love you. We should take off together, barring some unforseen tragic event that reshapes the course of my life forever.

YOUNG EVA MENDES

What could happen?

PETER FONDA finds YOUNG NICOLAS CAGE and looks EVIL, which is sure to win the trust of NICOLAS.

PETER FONDA

Hello Nicolas. Your dad is sick. Sell your soul if you want him to get better.

YOUNG NICOLAS CAGE

Peter Fonda? Oscar-nominated thespian Peter Fonda? What in the holy living fuck are you doing in this movie?

PETER FONDA

Hamming it up, what else? Here, sign this contract. Mwa-ha-ha-ha.

YOUNG NICOLAS CAGE

No. Oops. Some blood spilled on it. Surely that's not legally binding.

PETER FONDA

Pffft, sure it is. Who do you think all the lawyers work for?

NICOLAS CAGE'S DAD gets rid of his cancer, but then has an accident during a motorcycle stunt minutes later.

YOUNG NICOLAS CAGE

Dad! Are you okay? Oh, actually, you don't seem to have any burns, cuts, bruises, or injuries of any kind. I guess you're fine.

NICOLAS'S DAD

For some reason, I'm going to die anyway.

(dies)

NICOLAS CAGE grows up and becomes a motorcylce stuntman himself. Except he kind of sucks at it.

EVA MENDES

Nicolas, I'm a newswoman now. I'd like to interview you.

NICOLAS CAGE

Wow, look at you. You've grown a lot since we were teenagers. Well, your boobs have. Anyway, go ahead and interview.

EVA MENDES

Alright, first question: weren't we the same age as teenagers? How did you manage to age ten years more than me since then?

PETER FONDA

Hey Nicolas. Remember when you sold me your soul? You can have it back if you become my Ghost Rider. Go kill Wes Bentley, he's my son or something. He wants some contract the old Ghost Rider stole.

NICOLAS CAGE

No.

(pause)

Fine.

NICOLAS'S HEAD turns into a FUCKING FLAMING SKULL and film as an artform officially DIES.

FLAMING NICOLAS CAGE

SKULL ANGRY! RIDE BIKE!

FLAMING NICOLAS confronts WES BENTLEY, who has apparently forgotten how to act. NICOLAS loses the battle and heads home. Taking a page from "Writing A Comic Book Movie For Complete Fucking Idiots", he discovers a woman being mugged his first night as a superhero and saves her.

FLAMING NICOLAS CAGE

(to mugger)

Youuuu. Guiltyyyyy.

MUGGER

Youuuu. Sillyyyyy.

MUGGING VICTIM

Rather than shit my pants at the sight of a fucking walking skeleton covered in fire, I'll politely thank you for saving me and be on my way.

FLAMING NICOLAS kills the mugger, presumably sending him to hell and giving his enemy, the Devil, another soul for his army. He then stumbles upon SAM ELLIOTT.

SAM ELLIOTT

Hey, I'm the narrator from before. Since every movie like this needs a character that understands the associated mythology in order to explain it to the audience, let me fill you in. Basically you work for the devil at night and you're normal during the day.

NICOLAS CAGE

Because darkness is the symbol for evil while light is the symbol for purity?

SAM ELLIOTT

What? No, because the special effects would look even more ridiculous if well-lit.

NICOLAS CAGE

Oh. So how do I beat Wes Bentley?

SAM ELLIOTT

I dunno, show him a plastic bag blowing in the wind and hit him with a brick when he's distracted.

NICOLAS meets up again with EVA MENDES, since they have so much chemistry together and every moment they spend on screen is pure bliss for the audience.

NICOLAS CAGE

So, you should probably stay away from me. I'm a Marvel superhero now, which means I need to be tortured by having to give up on love.

EVA MENDES

A superhero? What are your powers?

NICOLAS CAGE

Well, I have a flaming skull for a head. I can ride a bike like I do when human. Oh, and I have a chainlink whip. I guess that's it.

EVA MENDES

...Seriously, why did this character get its own movie?

NICOLAS decides the audience has endured more than enough of this movie and goes to SAM ELLIOTT one last time before fighting WES BENTLEY.

NICOLAS CAGE

So, since everyone in the audience guessed you're the old Ghost Rider like 70 minutes ago, do you have any help to offer me before I go kill the bad guy?

SAM ELLIOTT

Yeah. Let me ride with you. I like you. You made a deal with the devil for the right reason: your family. Maybe that puts God on your side.

NICOLAS CAGE

The same God that commands his followers to kill family members if they don't believe in him? Or some other God?

SAM ELLIOTT

The Hollywood God. The ambiguous, shapeless hodgepodge of positive aspects from various religions and philosophies used to pander to people of every religion simultaneously.

NICOLAS CAGE

Oh, the Bruce Almighty God. Gotcha. If signing the contract was going to put God on my side, why would the Devil have suggested it?

SAM turns into a flaming skeleton on a flaming horse to shut NICOLAS up. They ride together. When they arrive, SAM hands NICOLAS a shotgun.

SAM ELLIOTT

This shotgun might help. We only had the budget to change me into a flaming CGI monstrosity one time, so I'll be heading back home now.

NICOLAS CAGE

You rode with me in silence just to give me a shotgun when we got here and then turn back around?

SAM ELLIOTT

Yep.

NICOLAS CAGE

Why did people actually watch this movie?

NICOLAS fights with WES BENTLEY.

WES BENTLEY

My name is leeeeegion. For we are... maaaaannnnnyyyyy.

Seriously, he actually says that. Eventually, NICOLAS kills WES. PETER FONDA returns.

PETER FONDA

Nice work, Nicolas. I'll just remove the curse from you now and you can be on your way.

NICOLAS CAGE

No. I'm going to keep this curse in order to fight you.

PETER FONDA

You mean the curse I had the power to give you and just said I can remove at any time? That's the curse you're going to use against me?

NICOLAS CAGE

That's right. Wherever you go, I'll be there.

PETER FONDA

Like at the bottom of the "3 DVDs for $5.99" bin at Wal-Mart?

PETER vanishes.

NICOLAS CAGE

I'll only use my powers for good, in order to fight the devil.

EVA MENDES

Wouldn't the best use of your powers be to just show them to people in order to prove that God and the Devil really do exist? Then people would suddenly become super-religious and go to heaven, depriving the Devil of any more soldiers for his army.

NICOLAS CAGE

That's a good idea. Or, how about I ride around at night and kill muggers?

EVA MENDES

Superhero movies sure have come a long way since the first Superman movie.

NICOLAS CAGE

Yes. We've gone from "You will believe a man can fly" to "You will believe a man can have a flaming skull for a head and ride a bike in the dark."

END