"Oh, THAT'S where my career savvy went."

MOM AND DAD

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

Some GROOVY OPENING CREDITS are done all RETRO-STYLE with CLASSIC FONTS and FUNKY GRAPHICS and NAKED TITS RIGHT IN NIC CAGE'S FAAAAACE! With the mood established, we begin our tale...

INT. BLAND SUBURBAN HOUSE LIKE A TOTAL SELL-OUT WOULD HAVE, MAN

It's MORNING in the BLAIR/CAGE household! NIC CAGE and SELMA BLAIR begin their day along with high-school daughter ANNE WINTERS and brat kid son ZACKARY ARTHUR.

ANNE WINTERS

Hey Mom, me and some friends are going to a movie tonight okay? It's called, um, "Sneaking Out to Bang Your Boyfriend 2: The Legend of Curly's Gold". Heh heh, foolproof plan.

SELMA BLAIR

You can't go Anne, your grandparents are coming over for dinner. YOUR grandparents, who are also MY parents, now everyone forget about that so you can be surprised later.

NICOLAS CAGE

Has our maid shown up yet? The maid we hire even though we fight over spending money we don't have?

SHARON GEE

Right here Mr. Cage! I've also brought my daughter along for some bizarre reason.

SHARON'S DAUGHTER

I think it's because the premise of this movie is parents going mad and murdering their kids. And you're one of the first to go crazy. But if I'm not around to be horribly butchered, that won't matter.

SHARON GEE

Huh? Who's going crazy? Pish posh.

(does crazy grin)

(sharpens kitchen knife)

(sharpens meat cleaver)

(sharpens machete)

(sharpens guillotine)

NIC and SELMA go to work and take ANNE to school, leaving ZACK at home with SHARON and her DAUGHTER.

SHARON GEE

Now you kids just play nicely while I go about my housecleaning.

(assembles crossbow)

(builds torture rack)

(unspools piano wire)

ZACKARY ARTHUR

Oh man there's a real tension in the air like something's about to happen. Oh shiiit... you know, this reminds me of when I found a dying animal and put it inside Nic's Trans Am. Let's reminisce on that together, for a while. Yep. Oh did we completely miss the payoff of Sharon going nuts? Ha ha ha.

(shrugs)

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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