FADE IN:

INT. MOVIE THEATRE

Flocks of moviegoers descend on the theatre, fresh off their recent ADVANCED EXCEL TRAINING COURSE where they painstakingly calculated how best to see BARBIE and OPPENHEIMER in ONE DAY while also allowing time for DINNER RESERVATIONS at a place acceptable to both SANDRA and DENISE.

EXCITED YOUNGER AUDIENCE ALL DRESSED IN PINK HAVING LOADS OF FUN

(giggling)

Hi Barbie! Hi, Barbie! Hi! Barbie! Hi Barbie!

ASSORTED GROWNUP BARBARAS IN AUDIENCE WHO ENDURED CONSTANTLY BEING CALLED "BARBIE" AS A KID IN A POINTEDLY NOT-FUN WAY

(having PTSD)

EXT. THE OPENING TO 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY, WITH THE MUSIC AND EVERYTHING - IT'S AN 'OMAGE OR WHATEVER

Little girls play with dolls in the DIRT.

NARRATOR HELEN MIRREN

Since the dawn of time-

PEOPLE WHO SAY THE WORD "WOKE" 10 TIMES A DAY

I already hate this movie.

NARRATOR HELEN MIRREN

...cool. As I was saying, since the dawn of time--represented here by kids from the 1930s--the main toys associated with young girls were baby dolls, because it was assumed that motherhood, and preparation for motherhood, was main purpose of a girl's life.

BEN SHAPIRO

IT IS ACTUALLY!!

NARRATOR HELEN MIRREN

Can I finish my... whatever. Then, one day, this wonderful, magical company Mattel came along with a grown-ass woman doll who could be anything she dreamed of being. Stylish thin astronaut, stylish thin chef, stylish thin claims adjuster, you name it!

NERDY GIRL WITH COKE BOTTLE GLASSES

This is getting too confusing I wanna smash my dollies instead woo hooooo!!!!!!

BEN SHAPIRO

(firing up barbeque)

(hiring a terrible writer/video editor)

Same here!

NERDY GIRL WITH COKE BOTTLE GLASSES

Dude, I'm 6 and I was joking. But wow, these dolls sure do break easily. I guess every doll except the one in my hand is made of balsa wood or something.

NARRATOR HELEN MIRREN

So far, everything more or less makes sense. But now, for the purposes of our tale, every type of Barbie doll has exactly one full-scale live-action counterpart that lives in the magical world of Barbieland! Which is a real, actual place where our story begins.

EXT. BARBIELAND - WHICH WE'D LIKE TO IMAGINE IS THE SAME REMOTE DESERT LOCATION AS THE ONE IN OPPENHEIMER. BARBENHEIMER IS REAL!!!

MARGOT BARBIE wakes up as a perfect being in a perfect world. She moves, DOLL-LIKE, through her DOLL HOUSE with its FAKE 2D DOLL FRIDGE and mimes doing REAL WORLD THINGS like DOLLS are made to do.

NARRATOR HELEN MIRREN

You see, Margot is behaving like a doll, and dolls don't actually eat or shower, it's all pretend. I'm going to continue to point out searingly obvious things since Greta doesn't trust the various infantile, underdeveloped brains in the audience to understand what's being plainly shown to them.

MARGOT BARBIE

Really? I think even the younger kids will grasp that-

NARRATOR HELEN MIRREN

I mean Shapiro.

BEN SHAPIRO

(gurgles incoherently)

NARRATOR HELEN MIRREN

Anyway, here in Barbieland, Barbie has a perfect day every day! The Barbies run every aspect of society. They're pilots, construction workers, Supreme Court justices, and even President!

MARGOT BARBIE

But we all live in this tiny ten-block community. Where do the pilots fly to? How many levels of government does a town of 50-odd people need?

PRESIDENT ISSA BARBIE

Fuck that! We also run the prison and military industrial complexes. It's a utopia!

MICHAEL CERA

And don't forget about Alan and Midge! We're the two real-life dolls that were discontinued because we're kinda weird and unpopular. But THIS movie is going to reclaim all kinds of bizarre outlandish ideas, like marketing big-budget movies to women!

MARGOT BARBIE drives to the BEACH where RY-KEN GOSLING is busy beaching.

RY-KEN GOSLING

Despite living in this very immaculately rendered Paradise which people have clearly put a LOT of effort into, I am discontent! Mostly because my whole identity is based on being an accessory to Barbie. I will now say "hi" to Margot in hopes that she'll validate my entire existence.

MARGOT BARBIE

Hi Ryan! Also, hi every other Barbie and Ken!

ALL OTHER BARBIES AND KENS

Hi Barbie! Hi Ken!

(are unreservedly warm and supportive and friendly)

RY-KEN GOSLING

THIS IS HELL ARRRGHHHH

RY-KEN runs directly at a FAKE WAVE and WIPES OUT which does however gather MARGOT'S notice!

SIMU-KEN

As another Ken competing for Barbie's attention, I guess we should get on with the "beach off" sequence which we do stretch way beyond its worth, but was necessary for marketing purposes.

ACTUAL MORONS

But I took my 8 year old to this film thinking it would be a fun kids movie! Despite the trailers featuring sex jokes, sexual assault, physical assault, existential dread, a PG-13 rating, and a Stanley Kubrick reference. You know, just like Trolls and Frozen!

That night there is a huge BARBIE DISCO PARTY at MARGOT'S PLACE where everyone DANCES and GROOVES and DANCES MORE and patiently waits for the inevitable CRACK IN THE FACADE to get the actual STORY going.

MARGOT BARBIE

Gosh, this is the best day ever! Let's dance the night away and-

(smile dissipates)

I am become death, destroyer of worlds.

(pause)

Oh, sorry, wrong movie. But I WAS thinking, is death a reflection of our meaningless existence? When it comes to euthenasia, do you believe utilitarianism, or kantianism? Is birth a curse and life a prison?

IMMANUEL KENT, KENE DESCARTES, SIMONE DE BARBIE, AND SOREN KEN-KEGAARD

(pausing mid-Hustle)

Wow, way to stop the party, Buzz Killington.

MARGOT laughs it off but the next morning she discovers everything in her DOLL'S HOUSE has gone HORRIBLY WRONG!

MARGOT BARBIE

Oh no, Krogstad found out about my forged loan and is blackmailing me to influence Torvald! And Dr. Rank is dying of tuberculosis! Plus my ankles work now! Shit, I gotta find Weird Barbie!!

EXT. BARBIELAND SUBARBS

MARGOT finds KATE MCKINNON, who's basically Weird Barbie in real life.

KATE MCKINNON

Yes, I am Weird Barbie. I have chopped up hair, marker on my face, and I'm always in splits. Every girl had a Barbie like me!

MARGOT BARBIE

Did they? Your owner may have been the female Sid from Toy Story. But anyhoo, please tell me you know what's going on?

KATE MCKINNON

This is happening because some kid playing with you got sad, and we're claiming no kid who frequently escapes into fantasy has ever been sad before. So now you must choose! The blue pill shaped like a high heel, or the red pill shaped like a Birkenstock. Only one will help you realize the the meaning of your new existential crisis-

MARGOT BARBIE

BLUE PILL. BLUE. FUCKING. PILL. I want out of these horrible feelings and back into the obliviousness of my perfect life!

KATE MCKINNON

Have fun with the red pill okay byeeeee

EXT. THE REAL WORLD - AKA VENICE BEACH, CALIFORNIA - AKA NOT THE REAL WORLD.

MARGOT and stowaway RY-KEN travel through a WES ANDERSON PORTAL to reach the 405 freeway.

RY-KEN GOSLING

I really thought we'd stand out with our neon clothes and rollerblades, but there's tons of neon shirts for sale on this boardwalk, mostly with drug references. Quick, let's go get a henna tattoo that somehow gives us an infection!

MARGOT BARBIE

I'm glad you acclimated to Venice Beach so quickly, but this is not like Barbieland at all! Every man is staring at us with their tongues and dicks out, and even weirder, they have tongues and dicks!

RY-KEN GOSLING

Plus here, I'm getting attention too! One woman even complimented my shirt. She said, "I like you're shirt. It's nice." As a guy, I will remember this compliment FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

They get arrested after MARGOT punches a guy for slapping her ass.

RY-KEN GOSLING

Good thing you weren't one of those Barbies with their arms at permanent right angles, you might not have known how to do that.

MARGOT BARBIE

I need to focus on finding the sad little girl, can you please just wander off into danger somewhere?

RY-KEN GOSLING

On it!

RY-KEN walks down the block and straight into the MANLY MALE ULTRA-TESTOSTERONE MANUMENT TO ALL THINGS MANLY BROUGHT TO YOU BY AXE BODY SPRAY, NEW EXPENDABLES 4 SCENT. Confronted with this brazen display of all known varieties of toxic masculinity RY-KEN decides to become obsessed with HORSES, which no girl has ever shown any interest in.

EXT. MIDDLE SCHOOL

MARGOT has visions of a young girl playing with Barbie but losing joy as she got older. They lead her to ARIANNA GREENBLATT eating lunch at one of the many middle schools in Los Angeles... somehow.

MIDDLE SCHOOLER ELISE GALLUP

Hey, grown woman in a cowgirl outfit whom I don't know, what are you doing? You can't just walk up to Arianna! She's the Regina George of this school. She'll rip you to shreds!

MARGOT BARBIE

Listen, bullied girl who's possibly a representation of Greta Gerwig's childhood, she can't be that bad. Surely she's just a regular 15-year-old girl-

ARIANNA GREENBLATT

I will destroy you immediately. Barbie has made girls feel bad about themselves since forever. You're an example of sexualized capitalism and consumerism, which means you're an awful person and also killing the planet. All in all, you're everything wrong with our society, YOU FASCIST!

MARGOT BARBIE

Wow, you assumed all of this after two seconds of meeting me. It's almost like we're making fun of the criticisms against Barbie from people who may be considered... SJWs?

ANGRY YOUTUBE MOVIE REVIEWERS

I will blatantly ignore this and/or I still don't know what's going on.

INT. MATTEL CORPORATION

Confused and disillusioned by the real world, MARGOT is brought to see the CEO of Mattel Corp., WILL FERRELL.

MARGOT BARBIE

Hi Will! I see you're playing yourself again, which is fine, honestly. In fact, we'd better funny this movie up because that joke about fascists controlling the railways completely bombed.

WILL FERRELL

Yes, let's hope that me just being myself brings the funny even without characterization or jokes or shit. Now, we need you to get back into the big box you came in. I have no idea why you're here but I promise you it will fix whatever you're worried about. Also, yes, Mattel has multiple women on its board, but here we’re all male to show the disproportionate influence of men in the real world.

MARGOT BARBIE

Great! But hey, what's the big deal if I stay in the real world as opposed to the imaginary one? You allude to serious consequences but never say what they are.

WILL FERRELL

Eh, I guess because all of this involves some metaphysical mumbo jumbo, and I really don't feel like testifying in front of Congress. Now, back in the box, Barb. Chop chop!

MARGOT considers, but then runs away! WILL and the board members chase her through Mattel in the most SCOOBY DOO-ish ways possible, even though this part of the story is supposed to be happening in the REAL WORLD.

WILL FERRELL

(running, flailing)

Why can't you be like Skipper? She obliged with no problem!

MARGOT BARBIE

(vaulting over turnstile)

Skipper made it to the real world? Did she have an existential crisis too? I def want to know more about that.

Then, ARIANNA and her mom, AMERICA FERRERA drive up just in time!

AMERICA FERRERA

(pulling up)

You'll never get any answers about Skipper. She was the red-headed stepchild of the Barbie sisters toy line and no one cares. Now get in! I'll get us away from Will to safety, but I might have to take a detour through a Chevy commercial first.

(does so)

MARGOT BARBIE

So, you're the one who played with me while sad, not Arianna! Are you upset that your daughter has become a cold-hearted bully ever since she became a teenager?

AMERICA FERRERA

Yes that, and the accompanying deterioration of our relationship. I thought inventing "Constant Thoughts of Death Barbie" would fix that somehow, but so far no dice! Hmm, dice...

ARIANNA GREENBLATT

Mom, I already said I'm NOT playing "Barbie Monopoly" with you, quit asking.

EXT. FKA BARBIELAND

MARGOT takes AMERICA and ARIANNA back to Barbieland only to find that RY-KEN has introduced the Kens to patriarchy, destroying Barbieland's entire social structure!

RY-KEN GOSLING

(chugs protein shake)

(goes to the gym instead of therapy)

(invests in crypto)

(listens to grifter podcasters who don’t know a single thing about Barbies)

Margot, the best thing happened to me while you were out doing your woman crap. I found out that in the real world, it's men that hold all positions of power and authority, without any exceptions ever! So I decided to bring that back here. Welcome to Kendom! I've turned your dream house into my own frat house, and I made all the Barbies submissive babes. Fortunately, changing all their personalities hasn't threatened to destroy the space-Barbie continuum like when your human got sad.

MARGOT BARBIE

I just can't believe that a living doll with no emotional depth could be so selfish!!

RY-KEN GOSLING

You can't be too surprised.

(sings)

'Cause we're just men

Even full size, it's like we're ten

Is it our destiny to live and die

With no accountability?

We're just men

We don't share feelings with our friends

What will it take for us to grow and change,

Embrace the strange,

And start to see?

MARGOT, AMERICA, and ARIANNA go to WEIRD KATE’s house to regroup and strategize.

MARGOT BARBIE

I thought I was made to uplift girls into becoming women who could do anything with no restrictions or pain! But the real world isn't like that. Does that mean childhood joy and dreams are doomed to die? My entire existence is a lie and a joke. Also, someone on the internet called me "mid." THE AUDACITY!

(sobs)

AMERICA FERRERA

Don't despair Margot! I’ll cheer you up with an impassioned rant about the modern contradictory standards of women, which I will then travel back in time and post on Facebook circa 2013!

WEIRD KATE

Fuck yeah! Now let's take a Buzzfeed quiz to find out which Friends character we are!

This somehow snaps MARGOT out of her funk. They show the 2013 Facebook post to the other Barbies who also come to their senses.

MICHAEL CERA

Hey so you should probably know that the Kens are planning on taking over your Supreme Court. Maybe if you guys had stepped down when you turned 90 this wouldn't have happened!

AMERICA FERRERA

Shut up, Michael. Okay, to defeat the Kens, let's use light riffs on the performative aspects of masculinity to create some internal Kenflict. Given this Kenfined space, their atomic-fuelled egos will soon start Kenhillating each other, sparking a Ken reaction that culminates in a vast fiery non-CGI CGI Kenflagration of self-actualizaKen! Where are they now?

MARGOT BARBIE

Right now they're all singing “Push” by Matchbox 20, which seems... oddly specific.

The BARBIES initiate the destruct sequence! The KENS get jealous and angry at each other and start a battle, which ends up being a dance number that is one of the biggest highlights of the film. But once it's over they stop being douchebags, YAY!

RY-KEN GOSLING

All the haters out there, you claim this movie is man hating, and yet a man completely stole the show. Curious.

MARGOT BARBIE

Hurray, we saved the Supreme Court from being overrun with misogynist assholes, as I'm sure everywhere else has too! Now we can usher in a new, better Barbieland free of oppressive gender stereotypes and rigid binaries, that celebrates true and authentic expression of self! Just remember all the AKAB are still Kens and all the ABAB are still Barbies okay, and let's keep it hetero, we already did like five seconds of maybe acknowledging gay Kens which is already past our limit.

HARI NEF

Um, if we're trying to be all progressive maybe we could explicitly include-

MARGOT BARBIE

Shhh.

WILL FERRELL

(arriving)

Well I’m glad that’s all settled. We somehow hated the fact that Ryan’s Frathouse playset was flying off the shelves, and are very happy we’re back to selling pink sparkly stuff.

ARIANNA GREENBLATT

And America and I squashed our mother-daughter beef over, ya know, that thing we were beefing over.

WILL FERRELL

Margot, you should end your arc, even though Ryan’s arc may or may not have been more compelling. Go talk the lady who’s known for her sweetness; Carla from Cheers and the mom from Matilda.

RHEA PERLMAN

No no, I’m actually nice in this movie. Now, let's have a nice montage about mother-daughter relationships and what it means to be human. Seriously, did anyone actually go into this movie expecting to cry?

MARGOT BARBIE

Wow. So if I stay in Barbieland, I can live forever but still as a doll. And if I go to the real world, it will be full of pain and possibly no power, but it might be a fulfilling human existence!

RHEA PERLMAN

So after this touching, emotional sequence, what is your decision? And let's try to remind the audience that this is a comedy...

MARGOT ROBBIE

Real world it is! Mostly because... I'm so excited to have a real vagina!

RHEA PERLMAN

Aww shit, did we forget to tell her what a pain in the ass those are?

END