FADE IN:

EXT. SPOOKY BOAT

GABRIEL BYRNE lies on a boat, BLEEDING and DYING and SMOKING like a BADASS.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Just like a true Irishman. My father went the same way.

SPOOKY MYSTERIOUS GUY

Yeah. Sure is badass of you, not giving a fuck about dying.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Not giving a fuck about anything. Not you, not this boat, not this gaping chest wound. Can't rustle my jimmies, no sir.

SPOOKY MYSTERIOUS GUY

Yeah. Stakes are for pussies.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Yeah. Fuck tension.

PAUSE.

SPOOKY MYSTERIOUS GUY

Anyway.

(shoots Gabriel)

END.

TWIST!

INT. POLICE LINEUP

The police assemble our CAST of acclaimed actors like FRANK UNDERWOOD, THE COLLECTOR, SOME GUY NAMED "KEVIN POLLACK", and one of ALEC BALDWIN'S LESS PATHETIC BROTHERS.

COP

Alright, please step forward one at a time to establish your personalities by reciting this line. Ahem, "Give me the fucking Oscar, you fucking fuckedy fuck-fucks." How hardboiled. Alright, let's start with you there, Bio-Dome.

STEPHEN BALDWIN

(incoherent Tasmanian Devil noises)

COP

Someone's gonna need to buff all the teeth marks out of that scenery you just chewed. Next.

BENECIO DEL TORO

(somehow less coherent Spanglish)

COP

What a great character gimmick. Okay, now you Kevin Pollack, if that is your real name.

KEVIN POLLACK

(bland)

COP

Sorry, I fell asleep. Okay, Other Kevin, please, show these bimbos how it's done.

KEVIN SPACEY

Give me the fucking Oscar, you fucking fuckedy fuck-fucks. Also, I'm crippled.

COP

Aaaand Kevin officially has the best character gimmick. Here's your Oscar. You can go.

KEVIN accepts his ACADEMY AWARD while everyone else POUTS. Later, they all get dumped into the SAME HOLDING CELL.

STEPHEN BALDWIN

So. As long as we're all here, I think we should do crimes together.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Why?

KEVIN POLLACK

Well, I mean, we're all criminals. And we all have some vaguely defined history together.

KEVIN SPACEY

Kinda.

STEPHEN BALDWIN

So fuck it, let's abandon whatever we were doing before getting picked up and commit a heist with people we barely know!

BENECIO DEL TORO

(unsubtitled Swahili)

GABRIEL BYRNE

Benecio has convinced me. I'm in.

STEPHEN BALDWIN

Hell yeah! Crimes! This is gonna be great!

INT. POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM - WEEKS LATER

KEVIN SPACEY

Anyway, they all died. So. Is that enough for your investigation, detective?

CHAZZ PALMINTERI

Fuck no. I want the whole story. All of it. Every tiny detail, including the parts you weren't around for. I want you to describe them to me with punchy dialogue and gimmicky characterization, woven like a passable C+ heist flick that's inexplicably become acclaimed and popular due to a ludicrous twist en-

KEVIN SPACEY

Hey! Did I ever tell you about the time I spent ice fishing in Santa Monica? Man, those were some great latkes we made! Once I was a haberdasher for King Albert of France!

CHAZZ PALMINTERI

The fuck?

KEVIN SPACEY

Non-sequitors! That's my gimmick! That and being crippled! God, all of these characters are so layered, aren't they?!

CHAZZ PALMINTERI

I'm too distracted by your charisma to question these silly dalliances. Continue with your rambling, mildly entertaining story.

KEVIN SPACEY

Anyway, it turned out that Gabriel needed some more convincing. Soooo....

The screen gets all WAVY as we FLASHBACK to-

INT. APARTMENT

KEVIN SPACEY

Come on, Gabe, you gotta do the heist with us. The other guys won't let me come along unless you're there. Also they give me wedgies and stole my Trapper-Keeper. Jerks.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Yeah, wait, why are you in on this heist at all? You can barely walk down stairs, and your disability makes you easier to identify that a dwarf with Juggalo makeup tattooed onto his face. Unless of course your disability is just a clever disgui-

KEVIN SPACEY

WHOA LOOK, you have a lady friend! You have to do this for her! You can buy her jewelry and business and things if you have heist money!

GABRIEL BYRNE

I, wait, no, what? I got OUT of crime because of her. Why would doing more crime be good for our relationship?

GABRIEL gestures at his GIRLFRIEND, a HAND PUPPET with like THREE LINES.

KEVIN SPACEY

I don't get it. What's her character gimmick? Did we run out of ideas just as the only female character in this movie showed up? Eh, fuck it, Gabe, do the fucking heist or there's no fucking movie.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Fine. Get ready, innocent people. It's time to feel the Byrne.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY

KEVIN SPACEY (V.O.)

For our first heist together we decided to do something simple: using a two trucks, several automatic weapons, and a sledgehammer to rob a fucking police car in broad daylight. You see, certain corrupt New York cops were running a "Taxi service" for clients who didn't want to get found. Naturally, it took us five whole seconds to find them.

The EVIL COP CAR gets SURROUNDED by TRUCKS. The UNUSUAL SUSPECTS jump onto the CAR and start BABBLING like BONOBO MONKEYS.

BAD GUY

You assholes are SUPER lucky there are no people with cell phones on this public city street. Here, take the fucking diamonds, maybe they'll almost cover the cost of that fucking arsenal you dragged along.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Much appreciated.

(lights the damn car on fire)

KEVIN SPACEY (V.O.)

So that happened. And we all lived happily ever after.

END.

TWIST!

EXT. LOS ANGELES

The USUAL CREW goes to meet their FENCE, PETER GREENE.

PETER GREENE

So, you've got the diamonds?

STEPHEN BALDWIN

We sure fucking do.

PETER GREENE

Cool. Bye.

(pause)

Wait, hang on, we need to glower at each other some more.

GABRIEL BYRNE

As criminals do.

PETER GREENE

Grrrr.

GABRIEL BYRNE

(smolders)

STEPHEN BALDWIN

(sizes everyone up)

KEVIN SPACEY

(doesn't give a shit)

(awesomely)

PETER GREENE

Anyway, you guys want to do more crimes?

GABRIEL BYRNE

No.

(pause)

Okay.

INT. PARKING GARAGE

KEVIN SPACEY (V.O.)

So, now that we'd had some practice, we decided to step up our game a little bit. There was this jewelry appraiser who carried a big sack of diamonds and/or cash with him, so we decided it would be a simple enough job to run in, hit him and his bodyguards with lead pipes, and take the briefcase. Naturally, we fucked it up.

The crew charge in SCREAMING like IDIOTS and then some AWKWARD EDITING happens and suddenly they're WRESTLING with the BODYGUARDS instead of SHOOTING THEM.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Damn! I can't find it in myself to shoot anyone! My newfound conscience is hindering my-

KEVIN and STEPHEN shoot everyone.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Eh. You win some you lose some.

The USUAL-TANG CLAN go back to PETER to sell off the STUFF.

GABRIEL BYRNE

(checking in briefcase)

Wait, this isn't diamonds/money! This is drugs/just drugs! Murdering people for diamonds was totally okay with me, but murdering people for drugs! Dear god, the moral dubiousness and duplicity! I am angry!

PETER GREENE

I understand your concerns, and I'm sure if we all point our guns at each other like civilized people we can suss this out to everyone's satisfaction.

STEPHEN BALDWIN

(pointing rocket launcher)

I am disgruntled that you lied to us about the contents of this job.

BENECIO DEL TORO

(sitting in tank cockpit)

(gibbers agreement)

KEVIN POLLACK

(about to nuke from orbit)

I am also miffed.

PETER GREENE

Well, conveniently, it was totally not my fault that this job had bad information, because it was given to ME by a mysterious lawyer I know nothing about. He wants to meet you guys. Have fun!

INT. HOTEL ROOM

The gang are joined by PETE POSTLETHWAITE, who's CHARACTER NAME is somehow MORE RIDICULOUS than his REAL ONE.

PETE POSTLETHWAITE

Greetings, criminal friends. I represent a shadowy underworld figure who wishes to recruit your mediocre skills. Yes, your blind luck and general dipshittery have earned you the respect of none other than Keyser Soze, criminal kingpin extraordinaire! Because this is a comic book movie, all of a sudden. Anyway, do more crimes for him or he'll fuck your shit up.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Yet again, I wish to tell you to go fuck yourself. I don't want to do thrilling crimes. Why should we help you anyway?

PETE POSTLETHWAITE

Because my boss's arms are long and his ears are large. Observe. He has detailed files on all of your work, which is amazing because accessing arrest records is fucking magical in the era before the smartphone.

STEPHEN BALDWIN

(reading folder)

Holy shit! He's got my whole filmography here! Even I forgot I was in Half-Baked!

KEVIN POLLACK

(reading cocktail napkin)

Yeah, he sure knows about all those movies I've done....all those movies.....

KEVIN SPACEY

(opens folder)

(several awards fall out)

That bastard! He's got our lives in here!

GABRIEL BYRNE

Alright, we'll do the damn job for this "Keyser Soze" fucker. But that's the most made up name I've ever heard, and I'm going to be seriously pissed if it turns out this guy doesn't exist.

INT. POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM - WEEKS LATER

CHAZZ PALMINTERI

Keyser Soze? Who's he?

KEVIN SPACEY

Dear Christ, you don't know about KEYSER SOZE!?! Oh fuck, man, he's the coolest, darkest, scariest underground monster to ever steal change out of a vending machine return slot! He's some spooky eastern European guy who fell on the wrong side of some gangsters, so the gangsters kidnapped his family, so he KILLED his OWN FAMILY because he gives LITERALLY NO FUCKS. Now he runs all the crime in the world. Steal a car? You stole it for Soze. Rob a liquor store? Soze did that. Click "Agree" without reading the Terms and Conditions? You just earned Soze a cool million. That bastard eats justice and shits out crime.

CHAZZ PALMINTERI

You sound like a big fan of this Soze guy.

KEVIN SPACEY

(shrugs)

He's alright, I guess.

CHAZZ PALMINTERI

I kinda wonder if YOU'RE this Soze guy-

KEVIN SPACEY

Pfft, what, no! I'm crippled! See how cripply I am!?

CHAZZ PALMINTERI

Well you sure are crippled. I'm certain a quick medical evaluation by anyone trained in basic first aid would reveal if your ailments are fake or not-

KEVIN SPACEY

I used to drive bobsleds with Pete Seger! Yes, THAT Pete Seger! Once I swallowed a whole goldfish bowl! I can count to seventy-three!

CHAZZ PALMINTERI

Huh? Oh, right, transparent misdirection is your gimmick. So, naturally you guys decided to do what Soze said.

KEVIN SPACEY

Naturally. Except no. We decided to kill his lawyer friend.

INT. BUSINESS BUILDING

GABRIEL BYRNE

Alright, there are five of us-

BENECIO DEL TORO

(gets squashed by a falling piano)

(dies)

GABRIEL BYRNE

Scratch that, FOUR of us, which should be plenty of people to get to this lawyer guy. Let's just shoot him from a mile away with a sniper rifle and head home because we all hate each other.

KEVIN SPACEY

OR... we could rewire an elevator so the lights go out and then shoot his two bodyguards and drag him up to the 20th floor, which is under construction, and talk to him before we kill him!

GABRIEL BYRNE

That IS much more heist movie-y. Let's do it.

They do all that!

PETE POSTLETHWAITE

Congratulations, gentlemen, you have killed Keyser Soze.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Wait, really?

PETE POSTLETHWAITE

Fuck no, he's gonna be pissed. But nice try anyway.

GABRIEL BYRNE

We want you to call this whole job off. Do it or we'll kill you. Comply with us and, uh, I guess we'll all just be bros about this whole abduction thing?

PETE POSTLETHWAITE

Yes, I'm certain my boss will be just ecstatic you slaughtered his help and kidnapped his lawyer. Unfortunately, no, he still wants you traitorous fucks to pull a job for him. Sorry.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Well then I guess we gotta let Stephen kill you.

STEPHEN BALDWIN

(squealing like a little girl)

PETE POSTLETHWAITE

But wait! It turns out I have Gabriel's girlfriend downstairs!

GABRIEL BYRNE

Who?

PETE POSTLETHWAITE

Your girlfriend! We hired her to do lawyery things! And someone will totally kill her if you kill me!

GABRIEL BYRNE

I have no idea who you're talking about but, sure, fine, you can go free and we'll do your stupid crime for you.

PETE POSTLETHWAITE

All is forgiven.

EXT. BOAT DOCK

The USUAL SQUAD prepares to HIJACK A BOAT, DESTROY its HEROIN SHIPMENT, and steal the MONEY that will be ARRIVING by CAR.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Alright guys, we gotta pull some kickass, twisty, clever heist movie solution out of our asses to figure out how to take this ship. Ideas?

KEVIN POLLACK

Hmm. Two of us could scuba dive under the ship, plant a bomb on the underside, and blow it, causing the ship to sink, thereby destroying the heroin. Then the other two could intercept the bag man as he flees with the cash.

KEVIN SPACEY

OR... we could distract the dock guards with a nearby laser show, sneak on board, use nail files to cut a square through the upper deck, meanwhile Stephen flies in on a helicopter and lowers a chain down to-

STEPHEN BALDWIN

(raising hand)

GABRIEL BYRNE

Yes, Stephen?

STEPHEN BALDWIN

Let's just shoot everybody. With guns.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Fuck it. We're doing the shooty thing.

GABRIEL walks right the hell up to the DOCK GUARDS and starts CHIT CHATTING with his HANDS in the POCKETS of his SUSPICIOUSLY BULKY JACKET.

GUARD

Greetings, comrade. Your jacket. It is puffy, no?

GABRIEL BYRNE

Quite puffy.

GUARD

For to concealing weapons, perhaps?

GABRIEL BYRNE

Pff, sch, no, gawd, whatever man, you wanna play it like that, fine, I don't even want to be your friend anymore.

GUARD

What? No! No! I was just, I am sorry, join us in our suspicious standing around on dock, please.

Meanwhile, STEPHEN aims a SILENCED NUCLEAR ROCKET LAUNCHER at the men from a NEARBY ROOFTOP and KEVIN POLLACK just sort of WALKS ONTO THE SHIP by virtue of his being so BLAND no one NOTICES HIM. KEVIN SPACEY just kind of CHILLS.

GUARD

So. You are to be often walking on many docks in dead of night for no reason?

GABRIEL BYRNE

Yeah. It's a hobby of mine.

GUARD

Is good. I am for to be collecting of stamps and sometimes building of model airplanes-

GABRIEL BYRNE

Aaaaand...NOW!

GABRIEL pulls two CHAINSAW LAUNCHERS out of his JACKET and starts SLAUGHTERING THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYONE. KEVIN POLLACK detonates an ACME BRAND EXPLODEY BOMB nearby for no reason, and STEPHEN tactically SNIPES all the SURVIVORS with carefully placed HEAD EXPLOSION BULLETS.

INT. NEARBY DUNKIN DONUTS

COP #1

(eating donut)

Hey Dave, you see them explosions over on the docks there?

COP #2

(sipping coffee)

Yup.

COP #1

(pause)

Just checking.

The two continue NOT RESPONDING to all the CARNAGE on the DOCKS.

EXT. SHIP DECK

Having killed the population of BULGARIA, GABRIEL stands on the DECK, dumbfounded.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Goddammit! We've been played! Again! For the second time, Keyser Soze has lied to us about the contents of a heist! There's no heroin on this boat! There's only a whole bunch of nothing! Very few stores accept nothing as a form of payment! Grrr! Well, here's hoping my compatriots have had better luck.

KEVIN POLLACK

I found the money! Also

(gets shot)

STEPHEN BALDWIN

I found a screamy guy! Also

(gets stabbed)

KEVIN SPACEY

I found irredeemable cowardice! Also

(hides behind some ropes)

GABRIEL BYRNE

Well this has all gone terribly. Fuck it. I don't give a fuck.

(lights cigarette)

(gets shot by a SPOOKY GUY)

INT. POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM

CHAZZ PALMINTERI

So that's your story?

KEVIN SPACEY

Yep.

CHAZZ PALMINTERI

That's what you're sticking with?

KEVIN SPACEY

Totally.

CHAZZ PALMINTERI

All that backstory when you could have just said "a boat exploded"?

KEVIN SPACEY

(shrugs)

CHAZZ PALMINTERI

I think your story is a bullshit smoothie with a burger and LIES! You see, one of those screamy assholes who died in that boat-splosion was a witness against Soze! He'd seen his face! Soze manipulated you guys to attack the boat so he could get to him!

KEVIN SPACEY

And then he got bored and showed up at the last moment to do it himself for some reason?

CHAZZ PALMINTERI

Kinda. Because guess what! Gabriel was Keyser Soze!

LIGHTNING flashes outside the window, a HORSE whinnies, and old-timey ORGAN MUSIC swells!

KEVIN SPACEY

(gasps)

That's not true! That's impossible!

CHAZZ PALMINTERI

Search your feelings! You know it to be true! Gabriel manipulated you all from the beginning. He set up each job, he organized the police lineup, he orchestrated that bullshit with the lawyer for some reason, it was all an elaborate ruse to get a couple hijackers with eighth grade educations to blow up a boat for him! It's fiendishly clever, but luckily I, being the amazing detective that I am, have seen through this scheme! You got played, Kevin. Your bro was no bro. No bro fo sho.

KEVIN SPACEY

(looking into camera)

(bad southern accent)

I do not care much for God, but sometimes it seems he is quite a fan of mine. Even the most ludicrous and convoluted hokum becomes believable to the dim-witted if delivered by an acclaimed thespian such as myself. This pugilist is on the ropes. Now comes the finisher.

(normal voice)

So you're totally sure it was Gabriel?

CHAZZ PALMINTERI

Absolutely.

KEVIN SPACEY

Completely certain?

CHAZZ PALMINTERI

Beyond a shadow of a doubt.

KEVIN SPACEY

You're utterly, totally convinced that Gabriel set this whole thing up and not me?

CHAZZ PALMINTERI

Nothing on earth could shake my conviction.

KEVIN SPACEY

Coolbeans. Laterz.

(hobbles away)

END.

TWIST?

TWIST!

INT. SAME PLACE

Moments later, CHAZZ is joined by his POLICE CHIEF, DAN HEDAYA.

DAN HEDAYA

Another case cracked, detective Chazz. It's a shame Kevin won’t testify for us. But making him cry and shit himself was fun for a while.

CHAZZ PALMINTERI

Sure was, old buddy.

DAN HEDAYA

And what an incredible interview technique you’ve developed! Leading questions, answering your own inquiries, revealing your assumptions to your subject. Some great police work, really.

CHAZZ PALMINTERI

I just wish I could see the look on his face when he... when he...

But CHAZZ has begun noticing things around the ROOM. Such as a GOLDFISH BOWL! And a WEATHER REPORT detailing UNSEASONABLY COLD WINTERS in SANTA MONICA! And SEVENTY-THREE LATKES arranged around a MARBLE BUST of PETE SEEGER, who closely resembles KING ALBERT I of BELGIUM, who is often mistaken to be a FRENCH MONARCH! And a HAT!

CHAZZ PALMINTERI

My god! Now that all these clues have been revealed to me at the very end of the movie, instead of being dispersed throughout the film so I could piece it together myself, I have realized that Kevin Spacey has been bullshitting to me this entire time! For you see, as I have now realized in an incredible TWIST....

(pause)

KEVIN WAS ACTUALLY KHAN NOONIEN BLOFELD AND HE PUT GWYNETH PALTROW'S HEAD IN A BOX THAT WAS A GHOST THE WHOLE TIME!!

CHAZZ drops his POSTLETHWAITE-BRAND COFFEE and runs out the DOOR like a NINNY. But KEVIN, who is not CRIPPLED, is nowhere to be SEEN!

CHAZZ PALMINTERI

I am a really bad detective.

(his pants fall down)

(he cries)

END.

TWIST! IT ACTUALLY IS THE END!