FADE IN:

EXT. SOME AMERICAN TOWN

AUTHOR OF THE ORIGINAL NOVEL MATT BAGLIO

"Suggested by the book," eh? Guess that means we're about to watch a film that's absolutely nothing like the book. I mean, remember Shrek?

WILLIAM STEIG

(sadly)

Trust me, no one does.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE and his DOUCHEBAG FRIEND are hanging out at the local BAR, complaining about how HARD life is. Or something.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

Man, life is hard. Or something.

DOUCHEBAG FRIEND

You know what would help with that? Pledging to never have sex again.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

I guess it beats being a corpse beautician, which is my only other option. Despite my obvious contempt and lack of affection for my father, I must bend to his will.

DOUCHEBAG FRIEND

I'd like to bend HER to my will. Man, I really am a douchebag. Let's hope I don't show up again.

HE DOESN'T.

INT. SEMINARY SCHOOL

COLIN works his way through PRIEST COLLEGE, planning to quit the church when he finishes, thereby getting a FREE EDUCATION.

FATHER TOBY JONES

You know, quitting the church doesn't solve the initial problem with your father at all. I'm starting to think that whole "priest or mortician" ultimatum was just a lazy plot device to... oh wait.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

You're not the boss of me, [email protected]!

COLIN leaves. FATHER TOBY gives chase, causing MARIJA KARAN to get hit by a van. COLIN finds her BROKEN, BLEEDING BODY and comforts her in her LAST MOMENTS.

FATHER TOBY JONES

Verily, your ability to memorize Bible passages by rote is a sign that your true calling is the priesthood!

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

Skepticism is pretty much my only defining character trait, so... I'm not sure.

FATHER TOBY JONES

Look, basically you play ball, or we make you pay for your entire college education.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

Blackmail. That's very Christlike.

FATHER TOBY JONES

Oh, and scamming your way through your education makes you a saint, I suppose. But I digress. Your true path is that of a priest. Heed the call!

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

Well, it's good to know God isn't above sacrificing some girl on a bike in order to steer me towards my destiny.

FATHER TOBY JONES

Truly, he works in mysterious ways. Also, demonic possession.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

Wait, I... what? That literally came out of nowhere.

FATHER TOBY JONES

You must travel to Rome, and take Exorcism 101 at the Vatican. After that, we can discuss the whole thing where you may or may not owe us 100 grand.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

Your response to me owing you money is to send me on an all-expense paid trip to Italy? I guess I'll go. I just hope Anthony Hopkins shows up soon. He's pretty much the only reason people paid to see this.

The AUDIENCE nods in agreement.

INT. THE JEDI ACADEMY THE VATICAN

FATHER CIAR�N HINDS is teaching COLIN, obligatory potential love interest ALICE BRAGA, and some CLERGY about DEMONIC POSSESSION.

FATHER CIAR�N HINDS

Look at all these crazy people. Did I say crazy? I meant crazy-possessed by Satan!

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

Do classes like this really get taught? Not sure if serious. Anyway, um... oh yeah, skepticism, right. Those people are probably just mentally ill!

(under breath)

Nailed it.

FATHER CIAR�N HINDS

(actual line)

Admittedly, it's very easy to confuse psychotic illness with possession. It's up to the exorcist to discern the difference.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

That's... very convenient.

FATHER CIAR�N HINDS

Alright, I can tell you're going to be a problem. Go see Father Anthony Hopkins. He'll weird the independence out of you. He lives up on that hill, in the computer generated house.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

Good. Playing second fiddle to someone who wasn't even onscreen yet was starting to get embarrassing.

INT. FATHER ANTHONY HOPKINS' WEIRD HOUSE O' CATS

FATHER ANTHONY HOPKINS

Hello you must be the skeptic alright no time to waste chatting time to exorcise the ever-loving shit out of this girl look how unorthodox I am.

FATHER ANTHONY starts EXORCISING a girl in ITALIAN.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

Are there supposed to be subtitles during this part, or...

FATHER ANTHONY HOPKINS

Don't interrupt! I'm doing important work here.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

All you've been doing so far is yelling at a pregnant teenager.

FATHER ANTHONY HOPKINS

Well that's as may be. But she guessed the thing you had in your pocket, didn't she? Where's your skepticism now?!

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

Look, I don't speak a word of Italian. For all I know, you told her what it was.

FATHER ANTHONY HOPKINS

Damn, well I'd better- oh, I've gotta take this.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

Did you really just answer your cell phone during a fucking exorcism?

FATHER ANTHONY HOPKINS

I'm unconventional, remember? Not to mention Welsh! I can do what I want.

INT. THE VATICAN, AGAIN

FATHER CIAR�N is teaching the CLASS when suddenly, the LIGHTS shut off, to much CONSTERNATION.

FATHER CIAR�N HINDS

The power's out! Satan must want us to get an early lunch.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

...Not really sure why this scene is in the movie. Guess I'll head back to Father Anthony's.

INT. FATHER ANTHONY HOPKINS' WACKY EXORCISM PAD

The DEMON inside the PREGNANT TEENAGER has LEVELED UP, and she is now WRITHING ON THE GROUND just like EVERY POSSESSION VICTIM from EVERY EXORCISM MOVIE EVER.

FATHER ANTHONY HOPKINS

She's clearly internalizing her guilt.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

And apparently nails, as well.

FATHER ANTHONY HOPKINS

Alright, enough for today. Let's go exorcise a different kid. It may advance the plot.

IT DOESN'T.

INT. SOME POOR ITALIAN FAMILY'S APARTMENT

FATHER ANTHONY is YELLING at yet another CHILD.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

Seriously, was there a file I was supposed to download? I'm not getting any of this.

FATHER ANTHONY HOPKINS

Rabbit out of a hat, you've seen it all before, but how about... DIABLO OUT OF A PILLOW!

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

That's a frog. Which I'm fairly certain you brought from home, for reasons that will go entirely unexplained.

They suddenly get a CALL that the GIRL is being HOSPITALIZED.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

Hardly surprising, considering we didn't really do shit for her last time after she fucking coughed up nails.

INT. CURIOUSLY FILTHY AND DECREPIT ITALIAN HOSPITAL

COLIN tries to defeat the DEMON with LOGIC. The DEMON responds by KILLING the GIRL'S BABY and BLEEDING HER TO DEATH.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

Well that was a bit of an overreaction.

FATHER ANTHONY HOPKINS

I have failed her.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

It's a little late to start caring, don't you think?

INT. THE VATICAN, FOR THE LAST TIME

ALICE BRAGA

There's no way she could've touched the baby, she was tied to the bed.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

(after a lengthy pause)

It's confounding.

ALICE BRAGA

Wait, hold on. You saw this girl speak fluent English, cough up fucking nails, and you managed to explain it away, but she has a miscarriage, and it's a sign of the devil?

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

...Yes.

ALICE BRAGA

I think Father Toby was right. You DO belong in the church.

Meanwhile, POSSESSED FATHER ANTHONY SLAPS A CHILD ACROSS THE FACE. The AUDIENCE will later come to the CREEPING REALIZATION that this was the BEST PART OF THE MOVIE.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

Have you noticed Father Anthony's been acting somewhat out of character?

ALICE BRAGA

You mean, abusing children? Hasn't he been doing that all movie?

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

Well, yeah, but-

ALICE BRAGA

Wait, wasn't one of the signs of demonic possession "wearing silly hats"? God, I hope that's not on the midterm.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

You know what, good. The movie's almost over and still hasn't given us anything that remotely resembles "horror."

ALICE BRAGA

Why don't you call Father Ciarán? He'd certainly be qualified to handle something like this.

FATHER CIAR�N has CONVENIENTLY gone on PRIEST VACATION for the weekend.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

Fuck's sake. Didn't they use the same ridiculous plot device in Knocked Up?

ALICE BRAGA

At least in that movie there was another competent doctor to take over. Not sure why the Vatican only keeps two exorcists on staff, but we're apparently shit out of luck.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

You know what, at least this movie has done a decent job escalating the tension. I can tell this has all been building up to a climactic final battle.

DIRECTOR MIKAEL HÅFSTRÖM

Hm, yeah, not really in the budget. How about we just have Father Anthony babble nonsense at you until you believe in God?

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

Fuck it. Close enough.

INT. FATHER ANTHONY HOPKINS' HIGH-CONTRAST ATTIC OF DOOM

COLIN and POSSESSED FATHER ANTHONY are having a SHOUTING MATCH.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

God compels you to shut up!

POSSESSED FATHER ANTHONY HOPKINS

(actual line)

Oh God does, is that so? Wow, cool, awesome, whatever, dude.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

Aaand whatever lingering credibility this movie had is now gone forever.

COLIN and ALICE secure POSSESSED FATHER ANTHONY to an old wooden CHAIR.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

That chair's gotta be at least a hundred years old. He's probably going to break it.

ALICE BRAGA

Don't worry, not until he sees the most dramatic potential for doing so.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

Speaking of, this is supposed to be a powerful demon from Hell. A supernatural power, one of the ultimate evils. Why is it that the best it can do is rant at us like a drunk parent on Thanksgiving?

POSSESSED FATHER ANTHONY breaks the CHAIR and pins COLIN up against the WALL to WHISPER MEAN THINGS to him.

POSSESSED FATHER ANTHONY HOPKINS

I never loved your mother, did you know that?

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

I think this finally counts as conclusive, indisputable proof that demons exist. Therefore, I believe in the devil, and so I also believe in God. I have found my faith!

POSSESSED FATHER ANTHONY HOPKINS

That's the exact opposite of faith.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

Whatever, demon. You deliberately convinced me of your existence, thereby convincing me of God's existence, thus giving me the power to beat you. I don't think you thought this through anymore than the screenwriters did.

COLIN defeats the DEMON and BANISHES it back to HELL.

ALICE BRAGA

Didn't Father Anthony tell you that exorcisms can take months, or even years?

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

Yeah, but there's an exception in the Bible for when it's of vital climatic importance to the plot.

FATHER ANTHONY HOPKINS

Well, thanks for everything.

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

Is that literally all you're going to say to me after I just saved your life?

FATHER ANTHONY HOPKINS

Yes. I was Hannibal Lecter, and I really don't have to do anything more than I feel is necessary. Off to get my paycheck now.

ALICE BRAGA

So, since this is all over, d'you wanna... you know?

COLIN O'DONOGHUE

Yeahhh, actually, God and I were sort of gonna go find a room somewhere... sorry.

COLIN goes off to become a PRIEST, while ALICE and FATHER ANTHONY go off to do WHO THE FUCK KNOWS.

END.