FADE IN:

INT. FUNERAL HOME

TONI COLLETTE’s mother has died. TONI attends the service with her husband GABRIEL BYRNE, their stoner son ALEX WOLFF and their creepy as all fuck daughter MILLY SHAPIRO.

MILLY SHAPIRO

Wait what’s wrong with me? Why do I look like I was left in the microwave a little too long?

TONI COLLETTE

Well sweetheart your creepy The Hills Have Eyes face is all over the promotional material so I’m guessing you’re some kind of evil entity.

MILLY SHAPIRO

Clearly, but how does my nut allergy factor into this?

GABRIEL BYRNE

You have a nut allergy? What kind?

MILLY SHAPIRO

One of the deathly ones.

(tongue cluck)

CREEPY FUNERAL ATTENDEES

(smiles at Milly, knowingly)

TONI COLLETTE

Say, what are all these people doing here? My mother never had any friends because she was an evil witch of a woman who couldn’t conjure a nice word to say about me and only cast spells of bitchiness towards me.

CREEPY FUNERAL ATTENDEES

(smiles even knowinglyier)

ALEX WOLFF

I’m so high my mole has the munchies.

INT. INSIDE TONI’S HOUSE WAIT IT’S A DOLL HOUSE NO WAIT IT’S AN ACTUAL HOUSE WTF

TONI COLLETTE

I specialize in expositional miniature model making and sell them on Etzy. Oh look, I was going through my mom’s things and found a note from her that has the word "sacrifice" underlined circled and arrows pointing to it. Hmm, that’s weird.

MILLY SHAPIRO

Hey mom come look at these creepy images I’m drawing in my sketchbook. And check out this severed bird head I cut off myself.

(tongue cluck)

TONI COLLETTE

I see none of this as a cause for concern. Now excuse mommy while she drowns her sorrow in this bottle of Scotch.

INT. EXPOSITION SUPPORT GROUP

A bereaved TONI spills her guts (not literally) to a bunch of strangers but really it’s to the AUDIENCE.

TONI COLLETTE

My mother was a weirdo and my father starved himself to death, to get away from her probably. Then my older brother hanged himself because my mom was “putting people inside him” so clearly he was nuts. When Alex was born I kept my mom away from him, then caved like a little bitch when Milly was born and let my mom breastfeed her and now she’s a weirdo too! All the crazy in my family must be HEREDITARY!

ANN DOWD

I’m in this scene but don’t have any lines. This is important for later.

(smiles, knowingly)

INT. TONI’S HOUSE (OR IS IT THE MODEL? YES IT’S THE MODEL, BUT IT’S INSIDE THE REAL HOUSE)

ALEX WOLFF

Hey mom I’m going to a party with some school friends.

TONI COLLETTE

Take Milly with you.

ALEX WOLFF

And embarrass myself in front of the hot girl I like who had no intention of touching my weiner in the first place? No thank you.

MILLY SHAPIRO

I don’t even want to go, I’m too busy watching this creepy vision of grandma having a fire picnic.

(tongue cluck)

TONI COLLETTE

Honey, that tongue cluck is making me want to climb the walls and cut my own head off, stop it. Alex you are taking Milly with you, but without her epipen because what high school party would possibly be catered solely with nut infused food items? None of course! I have a really good feeling about this decision.

ALEX and MILLY drive past a POLE with a weird SYMBOL on it.

MILLY SHAPIRO

Wait didn’t we see that same symbol on grandma’s necklace at her funeral? That’s weird.

ALEX WOLFF

Probably just a coincidence.

IMPENDING SENSE OF DREAD

(smiles, knowingly)

INT. HOUSE PARTY

ALEX and MILLY arrive in the middle of a WALNUT CHOPPING CONTEST.

ALEX WOLFF

Alright Milly, I’m going upstairs to get high with a girl, all you have to do is not die from eating this delicious chocolate cake.

MILLY SHAPIRO

You mean the cake filled with nuts? Nuts I’m FATALLY allergic to? Alright.

(pause)

But it’s chocolate! And free! I can’t say no to this. I’m going to risk it.

(tongue cluck)

She eats the cake and goes into anaphylactic shock. ALEX attempts to drive her to the hospital but she...

Hey, are you sure you want to know what happens next?

ALEX WOLFF

Yes tell us.

Alright. So ALEX is speeding down the road but MILLY is choking and gasping for air so she...

Okay seriously, are you sure you want to read this? I mean absolutely positively no take backs sure?

ALEX WOLFF

Yes dude we can take it.

Fine you asked for it. So MILLY is clawing at her throat for air so she rolls down the window and sticks her head out the window and...

For real, I mean it, this is your last warning.

MILLY SHAPIRO

YES TELL US

(decapitated)

ALEX waits a few minutes for the AUDIENCE to pick their jaw up off the ground before driving home and sleeping like a baby.

The next morning TONI finds MILLY’s headless body in the backseat of the car and is... less than pleased.

TONI COLLETTE

(Ellaria Sand scream)

INT. DEPRESSION

ALEX deals with MILLY’s death by feeling guilty, GABRIEL deals with her death by trying to be a rock, and TONI deals with the death by creating a scale model of the accident because she’s a fucking weirdo.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Let’s all have dinner together. That’s a great idea I won’t come to regret.

ALEX WOLFF

You mean like Toni doesn’t regret forcing me to take Milly to that party even though she didn’t want to?

TONI COLLETTE

Whoa whoa whoa you’re blaming me?! You left your little sister alone with strangers to get blazed! How were you not drug tested and charged with manslaughter? Milly’s death is your fault and I’ll never forgive you.

ALEX WOLFF

It was a freak accident! It’s almost as if all our actions have been orchestrated by some ominous dark entity!

PAIMON

(smiles, knowingly)

ALEX WOLFF

Huh? Who the hell are you?

PAIMON

Not yet. It’s a surprise.

(winks)

INT. ANN DOWD’S PLACE

TONI COLLETTE

What am I doing here?

ANN DOWD

I want to show you how to perform a séance so you can summon Milly’s spirit from beyond the grave. Spoooky!

TONI COLLETTE

This is dumb. I don’t believe in this crazy superstitious bullshOHMYGODITWORKS!

ANN DOWD

Now go perform this séance in your house and make sure Alex and Gabriel are there, but mainly Alex. And if you smell rotting flesh in the attic just ignore it.

TONI COLLETTE

I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that last part.

ANN DOWD

I SAID MILLY AND YOUR MOM’S DEAD BODIES ARE IN THE ATTIC DON’T GO UP THERE

TONI COLLETTE

Still not hearing you. I’m sure it’s not important.

INT. TONI’S HOUSE

TONI COLLETTE

Alright that was nuts, I’m not doing some silly séance.

TONI dreams ALEX is covered in insects so she douses him in paint thinner and sets him on fire in her dream.

TONI COLLETTE

Okay that changed my mind.

TONI gets ALEX and GABRIEL to do the séance.

TONI COLLETTE

(being possessed by Milly)

Whoops wrong body, I’ll come back later.

(smiles at Alex, knowingly)

(tongue cluck)

ALEX WOLFF

Wait, me?! Why me?

TONI COLLETTE

I found out my mom was the leader of a cult that worshiped King Paimon, a demon that can only be resurrected in a male body. She even made an evil cult scrapbook spelling out Ann’s involvement which she somehow knew I wouldn't discover in time to totally fuck up her plan!

ALEX WOLFF

Forgive me, I ate some edibles earlier, I still don’t get how all this works.

TONI COLLETTE

Your grandmother put a demon in Milly, but she had girl parts so my mom's creepy nudist cult killed her to put the demon into you.

ALEX WOLFF

“Put a demon in Milly?” But... HOW? And WHY? AND HOW?!?!?

TONI COLLETTE

Unclear. Now I think I can stop this if I burn Milly’s sketchbook.

GABRIEL BYRNE

Great so how can I help BLARRHRHHAHHAHRHAHRHARHHRAHR

(burned to death)

TONI COLLETTE

Hey wait how does burning the sketchbook burn Gabriel when trying to burn the sketchbook burned me just a moment ago?

ALEX WOLFF

It’s demons we’re dealing with, they don’t exactly make sense so neither does our plot! Now I’m going to spaz out because Paimon is trying to possess me.

(breaks his face on a desk)

Don’t worry my mole is still pristine.

ALEX takes a nap and when he wakes up the house is DARK. We’re talking The Battle of Winterfell dark.

It’s so dark in fact that we can just baaaaarely see TONI crawling on the ceiling like fucking Spider-Man.

ALEX WOLFF

Oh no Toni’s possessed and chasing me! I must escape through the front door I'm five steps away from!

FAT NAKED DUDE

(stands four step away from the front door)

You can get past me, I don't even have a weapon!

ALEX WOLFF

That flaccid dong of yours is threatening enough so nope!

(runs upstairs into the attic)

My God how could this get any worse for me?

TONI COLLETTE

(levitates from the ceiling)

(cuts own head off)

ALEX WOLFF

Yeah, sure, that’s concentrated nightmare fuel, but I can still keep it together.

OLD FAT NAKED PEOPLE

(smiles and waves, knowingly)

ALEX WOLFF

I can no longer stand living in this world.

(flings himself out the window)

ALEX dies and his body is inhabited by MILLY’s spirit.

ANN DOWD

Actually you are Paimon, one of the seven kings of hell. All the naked fat people are your followers who’ve resurrected you in exchange for wealth and knowledge and hopefully some gym memberships. Toni’s mom must have chosen her cult members solely from People of Walmart pictures.

TONI’S SEVERED HEAD

So I was manipulated by my witch mother, lost my father, my brother, my husband, both my children, got possessed, cut my own head off, got sacrificed to a demon, gave the performance of my career, and DIDN’T GET A MOTHER FUCKING OSCAR NOMINATION?!?!

And that’s what truly makes this ending so chilling.

END