"No way is any demon from hell gonna get the DROP on me! ...hm, I have an odd feeling I shouldn't have said that."

EXORCIST III

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. OLD-SCRATCH-INGTON, DISTRICT OF HELL-UMBIA

Before we begin, please note the role of FATHER DYER is now being played by ED FLANDERS, and how the fuck did a character named DYER survive the first movie anyway? Let's see if he can dodge Fate a second time. Anyway ED walks down the street towards THE ICONIC DEADLY STAIRS from the original EXORCIST film.

ED FLANDERS

Those are THE STAIRS all right. Yep. It's amazing how nothing has happened since the bone-chilling events of that first, critically acclaimed movie. Nothing at all. If you squint a bit you can make the III look like a II, go on, give it a try!

Elsewhere, the role of KINDERMAN has been assigned to GEORGE C. SCOTT. GEORGE sits quietly remembering first-film-actor JASON MILLER and THE STAIRS, THE ICONIC DEADLY STAIRS!!

THE STAIRS

LET'S GET RRRRREADY TO RUUUUMMMBLLLLE

INT. A CHURCH

A bizarre and possibly demonic GUST OF WIND blows open the church doors! This causes a statue of JESUS to start BLEEDING and POP ITS EYES OPEN like some sort of VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY!

JESUS STATUE

(mugging to audience)

Ayy, someone get this mook's hand outta my ass! Hey-ohhh!

Our POV leaves the CHURCH and heads down the street, on its way towards-

CAMERA

Oh hey isn't that THE ICONIC DEADLY STAIRS?!? Let's get a closer

(trips)

(tumbles down stairs)

WELL FUCK ME

EXT. THE DOCKS - THE NEXT DAY

HELICOPTERS sweep the RIVER as the police search for a DEAD KID.

GEORGE C. SCOTT

Goddamn it I am the world's oldest fucking street cop. I make Frank Drebin look plausible. Holy fuck they found the kid and put a sheet over him, now I gotta fucking get down on ONE KNEE SONOFABITCH FUCK yeah he's dead someone help me the fuck up now please.

OTHER COP

Whaddya think Lieutenant? Folks are saying maybe it's the Gemini Killer.

GEORGE C. SCOTT

The Gemini Killer is more dead than the few tiny brain cells you used to have, you fucking stupid idiot. God I hate you incompetent fucks. The only one of you I can almost tolerate is Grand L. Bush because he was in Die Hard.

GRAND L. BUSH

It's true, I was Agent Johnson! No, the other one.

GEORGE C. SCOTT

Anyway everyone else fuck off and leave this to me. First though, I have my annual date with Ed Flanders where we try to "cheer each other up", and that's the story I'm sticking with.

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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