EXT. FOREST ON COLONY PLANET "NEW WORLD", GUESS ALL THE COOL NAMES WERE TAKEN -- 2257 AD

TOM HOLLAND and his DOG make their way through the ALIEN FOREST. Suddenly TOM throws his KNIFE and spears an ALIEN BUG THING on a tree!

TOM HOLLAND

It's important to establish my proficient knife-throwing skills early, since they'll be so vital to the plot later.

(absolutely nothing at any point hinges on your ability to throw a knife)

Shit.

We notice that TOM'S THOUGHTS literally VAPE out of his head, just as TOWN PREACHER DAVID OYELOWO rides up.

DAVID OYELOWO

RAAARGH BLARGH NOISE WICKEDNESS SIN BLARGH RARGH

TOM HOLLAND

Must conceal thoughts! Or at least limit them to various nuggets of exposition for the audience's benefit!

(thinks)

I've never seen a girl!

DAVID OYELOWO

BLAAARGH RAARGH

(rides off)

TOM HOLLAND

(thinks)

So yes, hello gentle viewers! As you can see, this strange alien world makes men's thoughts literally project from their brain, complete with sound and images. This phenomenon, which we call "noise", has created a strange nightmare world where men just parade around sharing every thought in their head, utterly unfiltered, with everyone in earshot! What a bizarre, alien, non-Earthlike situation!

EXT. BACK IN TOWN

TOM heads into his ALL-MALE town where he is annoyed by NICK JONAS so he thinks of a BIG GIANT SCARY SNAKE!!

NICK JONAS

OH SHIT wow, that'll be handy trick if you're in a tight spot.

TOM HOLLAND

Yeah, too bad I just used that up and I'm only allowed one more, according to the Rule of Bookends.

MADS MIKKELSEN

(riding in)

Hi fellow townsmen. Just want to remind people I own this town, I'm the mayor, my word is law, etcetera. If anyone's unclear on the rules just consult any Wild West movie ever.

EXT. MEANWHILE IN ORBIT

High above, a spaceship launches a LANDING CAPSULE, carrying a bunch of folk including DAISY RIDLEY! Everything goes great until they break atmo, WHEN--

MALE CREWMEMBER

AAAGH WHAT THE FUCK MY THOUGHTS ARE BEAMING OUT OF MY HEAD! ALL MY BLISTERING HOT TAKES--SETTING FIRE TO SHIP! ARRGH I'M SORRY, CAN I HELP IT IF NICKELBACK'S MITCH GUINDON WAS ARGUABLY THE BEST DRUMMER OF THE NINETIES FOR THE FOLLOWING TWELVE REASONS

(explodes)

The SHIP becomes a FIERY BALL OF DEATH and CRASHLANDS!

EXT. MADSTOWN

TOM reports to MAYOR MADS with some big news.

TOM HOLLAND

Something weird happened out on the farm today. There was someone stealing from us, but he didn't have any "noise". Also he was carrying the stolen goods in two small bags attached to his chest for some reason, but what was REALLY strange was how he only gained the right to vote in the U.S. in 1920 (three years after Canada) and-

MADS MIKKELSEN

Attention everyone! This intruder is... a GIRL!!

TOWNSMEN

(thinking)

GASP!!

(project images of old-timey fans, fan selves)

Everyone mounts up and rides swiftly towards the CRASH SITE which TOM had found. DAISY tries to run but finds herself surrounded by A TALL WOODEN BARRICADE!

MADS MIKKELSEN

Ha ha, that's actually a mental projection by me, the wall of wood is an illusion!

(grins)

You're also surrounded by armed goons on horseback which probably works just as well, but I wanted to show off. I project thoughts better than anyone else because of my high manochlorian count or some bullshit.

DAISY RIDLEY

I don't know what I expected to find on this planet where absolutely all of its settlements had lost contact with the rest of humanity, but apparently I expected everything to be fine and normal! What the hell's going on?

MADS MIKKELSEN

You've already noticed how there's angry male thoughts just flying around every which way, honestly I wanted to name this planet Twitter. But also the local lifeforms are super evil, they killed all our women.

DAISY RIDLEY

Shit, really?

MADS MIKKELSEN

Yes, without any provocation the aliens decided to murder 100% of our women and none of the men. Also they put tons of porn in my browsing history and subscribed to the All-NFL-Pregame Network, which I'd totally cancel except we'd have to pay a huge fee so it's, like, not really worth it? But yeah it's all the aliens' fault.

DAISY RIDLEY

Hmmm.

MADS MIKKELSEN

Anyway tell me about your ship. I expect that ship and a certain number of armed guards will be looking for you soon, right? Like if you had to estimate the number of guards, would it be more or less than the number of my goons?

DAISY RIDLEY

Hmmmmmmm.

MADS MIKKELSEN

Anyway while you think about that I'll let you get acquainted with my idiot stupid useless fuckup son.

(starts to leave)

NICK JONAS

(rummaging through Daisy's gear)

Hey what's this gizmo do?

(huge explosion)

DAISY RIDLEY

(escapes)

MADS MIKKELSEN

Dammit Nick, you're such an idiot stupid useless fuckup! Also why are you doing a Wild West accent? THIS IS NOT THE HISTORICAL OLD-TIMEY WILD WEST JONAS, IT'S A FUCKING METAPHOR OR ALLEGORY OR WHATEVER

EXT. TOM'S FARM

TOM returns to the farm run by his two Dads, DEMIAN BICHIR and KURT SUTTER. He finds DAISY hiding out in the barn!

DAISY RIDLEY

Yes, I decided to hide on the property of the guy who ratted me out to the Mayor. Who wouldn't?

TOM HOLLAND

Well lucky for you I decided to grab all your cool gear and bring it home with me.

DEMIAN BICHIR

Tom, listen to me. I think Daisy might not be safe here in Fridgetown. You need to get her to a series of other locations, at least two more acts' worth, to be safe. Can you do this?

TOM agrees just as MADS and his GOONS arrive!

MADS MIKKELSEN

Grrr! Bring Daisy out here now! I can't have her foil my master plan of capturing her ultra-futuristic mothership with my dozen goons on horseback! SHUT UP IT'S A GREAT PLAN

But DAISY bursts out of the BARN riding the DAISYCYCLE! She ZOOMS OFF pursued by TOM, MADS'S GOONS, KURT SUTTER-

MADS MIKKELSEN

No sorry, I'm still pissed at that over-the-top Jesus imagery in the Sons of Anarchy finale.

(shoots Kurt)

DEMIAN BICHIR

ARGH NOOO! Ooh, when Tom finds out what you've done he'll have some kind of reaction, I tells ya! SOME KIND!!

EXT. THE DEEP ALIEN WOODS

DAISY leads TOM and the GOONS on a SPEEDY CHASE through the WOODS, but they reach a CLIFF, RUH ROH!

DAISY RIDLEY

Eh fuck it, maybe on this world motorcycles can project thoughts of a soft landing.

(drives off cliff)

(crashes)

WHOOPS NOT SO MUCH

TOM HOLLAND

Maybe if I think of a giant marshmallow REAL HARD--

(rides horse off cliff)

(crashes)

YOIK THAT ALSO FAILED RATHER MISERABLY

GOONS

(do not hurl selves off cliff)

(shake heads)

(leave)

TOM'S HORSE shatters its leg so TOM mercifully KILLS it, which will surely be the ONLY bad thing to happen to animals in this movie, right? DAISY starts to take off but-

TOM HOLLAND

(grabbing her)

Wait, I want to help-

DAISY RIDLEY

Get your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!

TOM HOLLAND

Wow, you speak! I've really been told NOTHING about women you see.

TOM'S DOG

(catching up)

HEY CHECK THIS SHIT OUT, THERE WAS A WAY DOWN HERE WITHOUT JUMPING OFF A FUCKING CLIFF YOU IDIOT HUMANS

EXT. MAKING OUR WAY THROUGH THE VAST ALIEN YET STRIKINGLY EARTH-LIKE FOREST

TOM and DAISY and the DOG walk walk walk through the FOREST. Eventually they get hungry so TOM strips naked and kills an UNDERWATER HENTAI MONSTER for dinner. They build a shelter and hunker down for the night.

DAISY RIDLEY

This is my first planet, I was born in space. My parents died on the voyage so I never really knew them, although I CAN say they were NOT DARK LORDS OF THE SITH OR IN ANY WAY RELATED TO ONE, LET'S JUST NIP THAT RIGHT IN THE FUCKING BUD.

TOM HOLLAND

That is so tragic. Almost as tragic as the fact that I've never smooched! Shall we smooch?

(kisses Daisy)

Oh whoops, that's just my own mental projection of Daisy I'm crushing on, not the real Daisy at all, ha ha! Yet another zany sci-fi situation, how do writers imagine such fantastical conceits. I'll just go to sleep and project dreams of Daisy and my dog laughing and playing together, maybe of us sharing ice cream at the diner! Ha ha.

(furiously pretends to sleep)

Dream of Daisy... and... DOG....

(scrunches face)

DAISY RIDLEY

(sighs)

EXT. ALIEN WORLD - THE NEXT DAY

In the morning TOM and DAISY come across an ALIEN VILLAGE!

TOM HOLLAND

We have to be super careful. This might look like an innocent fishing village but Mads insisted there's evil militia, witches, and bands of misfits down there. So we must be very sneaky to avoid any aliens HEY THERE'S ONE

(lunges)

FUCK YOU ASSHOLE YOU'RE GONNA GET IT NOW

(punches and kicks alien)

RANDOM ALIEN

(just trying to go to work)

WHAT THE FUCK

(getting wailed on)

GODDAMMIT TO SHIT I HAVE A MEETING

TOM HOLLAND

I'll let you live THIS TIME, ASSWIPE! Let's scram Daisy!

RANDOM ALIEN

(lying in puddle)

ARE YOU GONNA GET ME A NEW KELPACCINO TOO, DICKHEAD

(slowly getting up)

FUCKING EARTHLINGS THIS COMMUTE SUCKS

Having had our ONE AND ONLY ALIEN ENCOUNTER for the WHOLE DAMN MOVIE, TOM and DAISY reach their next destination!

EXT. NEW VILLAGE

Our plucky protagonists are met by MAYOR CYNTHIA ERIVO!

TOM HOLLAND

Holy shit you're a woman! And this village has lots of other women! I guess maybe humanity on this planet won't die with my generation after all, something I didn't seem one bit worried about!

CYNTHIA ERIVO

You are welcome here. Even you, Tom, despite our hatred of Madsville for reasons that should seem obvious but we'll wait for you to connect both dots yourself.

DAISY RIDLEY

Can you help me warn my ultra-futuristic spaceship that a dozen assholes on horseback are planning to ambush them, and then warn them that we've decided to take that threat seriously?

CYNTHIA ERIVO

Sadly not. Just like Madsville, we have no comms. But just as they sent you here to search for comms, only to find no comms, we will now send you to another town called Haven, which might have comms. Also if you feel like kicking a football I'll be holding it just over here.

That night TOM goes over to DAISY'S room.

TOM HOLLAND

Hey, you up? I can't sleep.

(pause)

Or read. Can you read? I have my Mom's diary here but can't read it.

DAISY RIDLEY

Sure, give it here.

(reading)

"Dear Diary. Tensions are running high as we struggle to adapt to this strange new planet and its obsession with gender-based conflict, which, that's half the reason we left Earth for fuck's sake. Combined with the fact our particular ship was powered by a leaky Toxic Masculinity Drive, I'm worried this is gonna get ugly quick... At least I'm pretty sure that if anything happens to me, none of these fuckwits will think to destroy my diary so in conclusion FUCK YOU MADS, FUCK YOU AND YOUR MURDERING GOON BUDDIES."

TOM HOLLAND

Well shit. Commence Entire-Life-Reevaluation process!

(scrunches face)

Just then who should show up but MADS and his GOONS! TOM and DAISY seek refuge in a KWANZA HUT but are cornered!

MADS MIKKELSEN

You'd better come out! I have your other Dad here, the one who's not murdered yet! That's right, I killed Kurt Sutter, I'll pause while you react to that!

TOM HOLLAND

(blinks)

DEMIAN BICHIR

Wait, let me go in there. He'll listen to me.

(enters hut)

(returns... with Daisy!)

Okay here she is! Non-speaking, expressionless Daisy, all yours! Let's take a minute or two to appreciate how awesomely I convinced her to give herself up, from a safe distance, okay?

MADS MIKKELSEN

(sighs)

Um Demian she is OBVIOUSLY a thought projection. Are we at least pulling a thing where she is SO OBVIOUSLY a projection that it's really an Arnie-Total-Recall double-fake and it's the REAL Daisy, who can now get the drop on me?

DEMIAN BICHIR

No no, she's a projection. And I'm real but useless. But this way the REAL Tom and Daisy get like an extra twenty-second head start.

EXT. ALIEN LANDSCAPE

TOM and DAISY find a BOAT and start down the river, but!

DAVID OYELOWO

RAAARGH BLARGH I'VE FOUND YOU RAAAARGHH!!!! FUCK YOUR BOAT I HAVE A HORSE THAT'S JUST AS GOOD RIGHT

They engage in a RIVER RAPIDS CHASE where DAVID'S HORSE DIES!

DAISY RIDLEY

Damn I wasn't expecting this level of animal carnage, thought we were playing by Family Adventure rules...

DAVID OYELOWO

Hold my thought.

(kills Tom's dog!!!!!)

TOM HOLLAND

NOOOOO YOU FUCKER ARRGHHHHHH NOOOOOOOO

(rages)

(rends clothing)

(rips up tree)

GHOST OF KURT SUTTER

(shakes head)

EXT. FOREST CLEARING WITH GIANT CRASHED SPACESHIP

After a quick trip up a TOWER and back, our heroes come across a giant crashed spaceship!

DAISY RIDLEY

Y'know what, who needs a THIRD town with a recognizable actor mayor and batch of forgettable side characters. Fuck that other town. This should have the comms equipment we need!

TOM HOLLAND

It's all smashed to shit though. Are you sure we can-

DAISY RIDLEY

I think I know a little something about salvaging parts from giant spaceships crashed on planets, thank you VERY much. Now go crawl up that giant wall to where the busted antenna is.

TOM swings into action while DAISY finds the busted comms terminal but also DAVID OYELOWO!

DAVID OYELOWO

BLARGH RARGH HEY LOOK I'M ON FIRE RAARGH BLARGH

(dies)

DAISY RIDLEY

...oooookay.

(fixes comms!)

Outside, MADS arrives holding DEMIAN hostage!

MADS MIKKELSEN

Tell me where Daisy is or I kill another one of your family! And since Demian's character name is Ben, maybe THIS time you'll give a shit.

TOM HOLLAND

"Where's Daisy"? Are you seriously asking me that UM I THINK MAYBE SHE'S IN THE GIANT SPACESHIP FULL OF COMMUNICATIONS TECH RIGHT THE FUCK NEXT TO US MADS

MADS shoots BEN and TOM attacks while NOT AT ALL using his superkewl knife-throwing skillz!

MADS MIKKELSEN

Ha, you're no match for my ability to project illusions all around you! There's no way Tom Holland could ever overcome such a mysterio COUGH I mean mysterious power! BWAH HA HA! Oh also I shot you.

TOM HOLLAND

Argh, badly wounded and on the brink of defeat... satisfying the requirements to use my Bookend Power! Now it's MY turn!

MADS MIKKELSEN

(aghast)

Whaa... I'm surrounded by the ghosts of all the women that me and my goons murdered! Most of whom Tom would have no memory of! Seriously how are you doing this?

TOM HOLLAND

Might as well ask why you're cowering and retreating from what you absolutely know to be intangible thought projections.

MADS MIKKELSEN

Look if I want to teeter on the edge of this precipice that's my own goddamn business.

(knocked into hole by Daisy!)

FUUUUUUUUUUUCK

(dead)

TOM passes out from his injuries but wakes up on DAISY'S BRAND NEW SPACESHIP!

DAISY RIDLEY

That's right, I successfully radioed my colony ship and we're all here to build a new life together!

TOM HOLLAND

Did you tell them to run psychological evaluations on all your men to make sure they won't freak out and start murdering, like Mads's group? Or maybe think of ways to help counteract the effects of this planet?

DAISY RIDLEY

Nah, it's fine.

TOM HOLLAND

And will this new colony try to work together with the indigenous species on this planet, or-

DAISY RIDLEY

FUCK THAT LET'S START RIPPING UP TREES AND PAVING OVER SHIT YO

TOM HOLLAND

Well I'm over the moon at having an actual girlfriend so okay! And creating a better town here will also really show up those evil fucks back at my old town. I'll help build your new friendly neighbourhood to spite those men!

(grins)

(pause)

Though I suppose bringing them to some kind of justice might be an even BETTER resolution to

END