INT. SPACE MUSEUM DINING AREA

AUNT ZOE SALDANA is sitting in a space-themed restaurant with her nephew, YONAS KIBREAB. She is reading the screenplay to ELIO.

AUNT SALDANA

(flipping pages)

WTF? Dead parents. Again?

YONAS KIBREAB

I am still not coming out until you prove this movie has an ounce of originality.

AUNT SALDANA

Perhaps it has a refreshing moral... no, it’s about being yourself, even if you are an outcast in society. Never mind.

YONAS KIBREAB

I'm not budging from underneath this table.

AUNT SALDANA

Oh wait...it's in space...that's new.

YONAS KIBREAB

Like Buzz Lightyear, Mars Needs Moms, Lilo and Stitch?

AUNT SALDANA

Fine, this movie doesn't have an original bone in its body. It was written on the back of scrap paper from Frozen, Lilo and Stitch, and Nimona, but at least it's not a sequel, right?

YONAS KIBREAB

But do we have a chance at the Oscar despite not having a K-Pop soundtrack or a thinly veiled metaphor for war?

AUNT SALDANA

Ummm...it isn't Toy Story 5?

CUE TITLE: Outcasted Boy Finds Meaning and Worth Through Unlikely Characters, But It's In Space Elio

EXT. BEACH

YONAS KIBREAB is assembling space helmets from wires, coat hangers, and radio gadgets. He tirelessly sends signals to distant alien races, hoping they will beam him up.

YONAS KIBREAB

(yells)

I want to be abducted so bad.

Several billionaires, foreign dignitaries, and celebrities begin walking toward him.

YONAS KIBREAB

In space! I meant in space! By aliens.

DYLAN GILMER approaches YONAS with a HAM RADIO.

DYLAN GILMER

Hi, is this the Ham Radio support group for kids without parents?

YONAS KIBREAB

Yes, it is! Now give me your radio, the only form of communication that is versatile, reliable, and easy to access in 2025.

CORPORATE EXECS FROM BIG HAM RADIO nod at this endorsement.

JAKE GETMAN approaches. He is the DESIGNATED BULLY of this film.

JAKE GETMAN

You are small and weird.

YONAS KIBREAB

So? That practically makes me a god in this type of movie.

JAKE GETMAN

C'mon, Dylan, let's go home to our loving caretakers in middle-class America.

(pokes Yonas in the eye)

INT. SPACE FORCE COMMAND CENTER: NON-BUZZ LIGHTYEAR EDITION

AUNT SALDANA drags YONAS into her office and tries to understand the generation gap among today's youth.

AUNT SALDANA

(sits in chair backwards)

Talk to me, Yonas. There is a disconnect between us.

YONAS KIBREAB

Glip Glorble Schlup Goop

(translation: What did you expect from an entertainment company that thinks parental upbringing is the worst way to raise a child?)

AUNT SALDANA

Ummmm totes awesome? Mr. Beast?

YONAS KIBREAB

Farkle clop schling boppa

(translation: Disney won't normalize the nuclear family because their market share is raising kids on their programming)

AUNT SALDANA

Roblox? Fortnite?

YONAS KIBREAB

Flox socka gin gin boo

(translation: A generation raised by sitcom tropes and Western individualism makes the future children dependent on fabricated self-esteem)

AUNT SALDANA

Ummmm...six seven?

BRENDAN HUNT

(bursting in)

Zoe, we found strange alien signals coming from space.

ZOE SALDANA and BRENDAN HUNT check it out in CENTRAL COMMAND. YONAS sneaks into the room.

AUNT SALDANA

The government doesn't have time to decipher extraterrestrial signals.

FOX MULDER

It's true. I've been trying to milk that cow for years.

BRENDAN HUNT

But exotic alien life forms found our golden voice record where we greeted them in several languages, and they decided to answer back in English. Not only do we have proof of aliens, but they also subscribe to European manifest destiny.

(break)

I can send a voice recording back to them and have America be the first country to make contact with aliens. Of course, we have to use inferior satellite technology that will break down, rather than the beautiful Ham Radio, which is modern culture's highest form of communication.

HAM RADIO EXECS slip a check to Disney.

AUNT SALDANA

I don't have time for this. Everyone, go back to your job looking for strange things in outer space that could harm us, and stop looking for strange signals in outer space that could harm us.

YONAS sneaks over to the voice recorder and introduces himself to the aliens, then sends the signal to the satellites. The entire command center goes up in flames and loses power. Six drones accidentally take out Philadelphia.

EXT. MILITARY CAMP FOR FAMILIES THAT REFUSE TO USE ADHD MEDICATIONS

YONAS arrives at a MILITARY CAMP, several lobbyists are picketing outside yelling that conversion therapy doesn't work.

AUNT SALDANA

Listen, Yonas, I love you and I always will. Sometimes, the only way to show love is to not be in the same area code as the person, hoping strangers will fill the void left by an unwilling caretaker. One day you will understand.

YONAS starts in camp, where he immediately sees JAKE GETMAN and DYLAN GILMER.

DYLAN GILMER

It's Dead Parents Boy!

AUNT SALDANA

(driving away)

Have fun with your new friends.

DYLAN GILMER and JAKE GETMAN dress up as aliens and trap YONAS in the woods, but suddenly a purple light hits very specific areas.

MEANWHILE AT THE COMMAND CENTER:

All the monitors spell out "Take me to your leader, please" in a Harry Potter font.

AUNT SALDANA

If you know where Yonas is, why are you asking me?

All the monitors spell out "Because we need a way to rope you into the plot."

BACK AT THE CAMP:

A purple light shines over YONAS, and he gets abducted.

YONAS KIBREAB

I can't wait to cross off being infested with alien eggs on my bucket list!

INT. THE COMMUNIVERSE- IN SPACE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU DELEGATE

YONAS is now exploring a space shuttle with tons of trippy backgrounds inspired by wallpaper samples used in Wonka's Factory. He meets Oooooo, voiced by SHIRLEY HENDERSON, a gelatinous computer that distributes communicators, allowing guests to speak any language they desire (depending on the region this DVD is being dubbed in).

AMBASSADOR JAMEELA JAMIL greets YONAS.

AMBASSADOR JAMIL

Welcome to the Communiverse. You are in A GOOD PLACE, where sharing and cooperation run our utopian government.

AMBASSADOR SHAPIRO OF URANUS

Woke trash! This movie is Lenin propaganda from leftist snowflakes!

AMBASSADOR JAMIL

Don't pay any attention to Ambassador Shapiro of Uranus. We got your signal and beamed you up to live in our peaceful space colony. We assume you are the President of the United States.

YONAS KIBREAB

You have no vetting or research process for those you bring beam up? But somehow you knew exactly where I was? Sketchy.

AMBASSADOR JAMIL

(stares in silence)

AMBASSADOR WATANABE, AMBASSADOR OKATSUKA, AMBASSADOR MOON, AMBASSADOR ANA DE LA REGUERA, and AMBASSADOR SCHWEIGHOFFER all have various lines in this movie, but 90% of their dialogue is gasping.

YONAS meets the UNIVERSAL USER'S MANUAL, voiced by BOB PETERSON.

BOB PETERSON

I am a superpowered AI with every answer in the known universe. Ask me anything.

YONAS KIBREAB

Okay, will this movie receive the Oscar after Pixar was snubbed last year by an animated YouTube video of Cat Fails?

BOB PETERSON

(produces a picture of a cartoon dog with a cracked egg on his head)

BOB cannot answer that question. Try rewording your query.

INT. THE DIPLOMACY BEEHIVE

BRAD GARRETT is LORD GRIGON. He is also known as "Aldis' Brand Emperor Zurg."

BRAD GARRETT

I want to be part of the Communiverse!

AMBASSADOR JAMIL

But you lost both the popular vote and the Electoral College vote.

BRAD GARRETT

(speaks in perfect Twitter)

Fraud! The crooked deep space state stole my votes! I will sue the Michigan Federation! I will get my revenge!

BRAD storms off and threatens violence and destruction. Every ambassador fills their pants in supportive and harmonious unison.

AMBASSADOR JAMIL

Crap, our government policy is to run away and whimper like scared mice, which is exactly the kind of PR a socialist and progressive government wants to be known for. Thanks for the good representation, Pixar.

YONAS KIBREAB

Wait, how about I go and negotiate a deal with him?

AMBASSADOR JAMIL

Letting America dig us out of our problems is also part of our policy, so how can we say no?

SHIRLEY HENDERSON

First, we need to use some of your DNA to clone you back on Earth. Let me collect some snot.

YONAS KIBREAB

Hooray! I get to be probed.

SHIRLEY HENDERSON

I can't imagine why you have struggles with bullies back home.

INT. THE BRAD GARRETT DEATH STAR

YONAS is introduced to a ship that can only be opened with his handprint. He flies over to BRAD'S SHIP.

YONAS KIBREAB

In retrospect, it would make a lot more sense if BOB PETERSON, the all-knowing AI, just came up with a script and read it to them.

BOB PETERSON

(produces a picture of a cartoon dog with a cracked egg on his head)

BOB cannot answer that question. Try rewording your query.

YONAS KIBREAB

(to Brad)

Listen, Brad, you seem like a reasonable warlord of destruction. I don't think you want a planet of losers like the Communiverse. Maybe we can give you a more stable planet like Alderaan or Arrakis.

BRAD GARRETT

You might be on to something. By the way, how do you like my new laser gun?

YONAS KIBREAB

Oh, EVERYONE LOVES RAYGUN.

BRAD GARRETT

The deal is off! Your planet is doomed.

YONAS KIBREAB

Effff!

(thrown in jail)

INT. MEETING REMY EDGERLY

YONAS is thrown in a cell with an escape vent that is easy to access because they left him with his anti-grav communicator, proving that all alien beings are morons.

He climbs through the vent system until he meets...

REMY EDGERLY

Hi, I am a slug alien with an innocent, loveable nature. Would you like to be friends?

YONAS KIBREAB

If by friends you mean I abduct you and ransom your safety to force your dad to end his genocide policy, then yes.

REMY EDGERLY

My dad is Brad Garrett, but you wouldn't know he looks like me because when you hit puberty, you get a death mech full of lasers and missiles, and you are not allowed to remove it because of hyper-masculinity laws.

INT. BACK ON EARTH

AUNT SALDANA is picking up YONAS BROTHER from camp.

AUNT SALDANA

I can't believe those bullies hit you. I specifically told them to harass you verbally until your disability goes away.

YONAS BROTHER

I hate space now. I can focus, do chores, and cook.

AUNT SALDANA

I just saved so much money on Ritalin!

INT. THE COMMUNIVERSE SHIP

YONAS and REMY return to the safety of their ship, which now has an ankle-high pool of pee from the constant cowardice of the Communiverse Cabinet. They hail a com to BRAD GARRETT.

YONAS KIBREAB

We stole your son; now leave the Communiverse alone.

BRAD GARRETT

Aggggh! The only weakness to my rough exterior of hardened masculinity is my son. Fine, we will leave you alone, but I am still firm on the 10% tariffs on space mangos.

INT. MONTAGE OF YONAS ALADDIN AND REMY JASMINE ON A CARPET

YONAS gets his first best friend.

REMY EDGERLY

I love my dad, but I don't want to be fitted with a death mech. I am different.

YONAS KIBREAB

We can make a clone of you and send that clone with your dad. I'll show you my clone.

YONAS shows a portal of AUNT SALDANA and YONAS BROTHER happily hanging stockings, painting Easter Eggs, and polishing each other's toenails, while laughing over an episode of Gilmore Girls.

YONAS KIBREAB

Wow, my Aunt's love is very conditional. What a good parental figure!

YONAS and REMY go through with the plan to make a fake clone son, REMY EDGELORD.

EXT. THE HAND OFF

BRAD GARRETT visits the Communiverse one more time to reclaim his son. YONAS and REMY EDGELORD are waiting for him. The real REMY EDGERLY is hiding in a space pod.

BRAD GARRETT

Alright, son, put on your death mech and show off some of your weapons.

REMY EDGELORD

I love killing, chaos, and murder. Hooray for destruction.

(plays GTA 5)

BRAD GARRETT

(destroys the clone)

I knew my son was a fake. He has never given me feelings of pride. Where is my real son?

The real REMY EDGERLY accidentally hits a button on the space pod and flies to Earth.

REMY EDGERLY

The door can only be opened by Yonas' handprint, but somehow, anyone who gently knocks on the panel goes straight to Earth. Did Hyundai make this?

EXT. BEACH

YONAS is jettisoned back to Earth through a portal, which, somehow, is much faster and more convenient than driving the whole friggin planetary ship to Earth. Still, for reasons, the Communiverse has to waste fuel and resources when they abduct people in person.

AUNT SALDANA and YONAS BROTHER are watching the stars through a telescope. The real YONAS KIRBREAB appears in front of AUNT SALDANA.

AUNT SALDANA

(unprompted)

Sometimes I feel alone and worthless.

YONAS KIBREAB

Sometimes I feel alone and worthless.

AUNT SALDANA

(lightbulb)

It's the real Yonas! I have missed you so much. Separation makes the heart grow fonder.

YONAS KIBREAB

Now we can go home and be a real family.

AUNT SALDANA

Ummmm...maybe after eight more years of Military Camp. The deposit is non-refundable.

YONAS BROTHER

It looks like you no longer need my help. Am I going to decompose into The Thing from John Carpenter's horror series?

(kids scream in the theater)

INT. AREA 53 1/2

YONAS and AUNT SALDANA are going to save REMY from being dissected and studied by the government. They sneak into a warehouse, pass E.T., pass Mac, pass Alf, and pass a few thousand undocumented Venusians. YONAS opens the space pod.

YONAS KIBREAB

Remy is in here, but the cold air is killing him. We need to bring him back to the cold vacuum of space, where it's much warmer. Let's get on bicycles and outrun the police. No, wait, that's another movie.

Military police surround the pod.

AUNT SALDANA

Glipp flog foggin dop

(translation: This is what Hollywood calls a circle back)

YONAS KIBREAB

Lop sliggin floop dup

(translation: A circle back is taking something from earlier in the movie and putting it in later to resolve a conflict)

AUNT SALDANA

Garf pok gu ju

(translation: It's one of those plot devices that makes unoriginal movies seem clever)

YONAS throws a helmet at the military police, and AUNT SALDANA locks the door. The pod flies off. The government immediately puts a kill or capture alert out for AUNT SALDANA, dishonorably discharging her from the military. Her loved ones and friends will be interrogated viciously for information about her whereabouts. CONFLICT RESOLVED.

EXT. SPACE- WHERE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU FILE PROPER FORMS

YONAS and AUNT SALDANA are piloting the ship when suddenly...

YONAS KIBREAB

Oh no, Brad Garrett is here in his warship to wreak havoc on the Earth for taking his son.

AUNT SALDANA

Lol, nope. It's exciting space trash zipping at us. We can't use hyperdrive until it's clear.

YONAS KIBREAB

Can't we fly over or around its trajectory? I am guessing there is a finite number of objects across the whole expanse of the galaxy.

AUNT SALDANA

Lol, nope. Space is a slender hallway, and we have to dodge it by inches.

YONAS KIBREAB

Looks like we need the omnipotent power and unlimited value of a ham radio, the most powerful telecommunication device this futuristic spaceship can connect to.

HAM RADIO EXECS safely return the sons and daughters to Pixar employees that they were holding ransom.

HAM RADIO enthusiasts start helping YONAS direct his ship past the space debris. Even other countries are helping them because HAM RADIOS bring the world to a state of perfect peace and harmony.

INT. BRAD GARRETT'S WARSHIP

YONAS delivers the barely alive REMY to BRAD GARRETT, who sheds his manly war armor, forsaking the masculine capitalistic war engine that funds democracy. His estrogen grew three sizes that day. BRAD starts to cradle his son, whispering loving words to repair their relationship.

BRAD GARRETT

Ohana means family; a dream is a wish your heart makes; well-behaved women rarely make history.

REMY wakes up and reunites with his dad.

AMBASSADOR JAMIL

Yonas, you earned citizenship in the Communiverse. You are welcome to live with our loving, supportive group.

YONAS KIBREAB

I am thankful for the opportunity to live in this perfect utopia, but I need to live with my aunt, who loves me and wants to spend time with me again.

AMBASSADOR JAMIL

Not to be a nitpicker, but there is a bounty on Aunt Saldana's head for obstructing high-priority classified intelligence and defecting toward aliens that literally invaded Earth. Are you sure you want to go home? You both could live here with friends and loved ones.

YONAS KIBREAB

(winking at Aunt Saldana)

We will do just fine.

The Communiverse delivers YONAS and SALDANA, bringing its entire planetary ship to Earth, further cementing that they have no idea how easy and non-disruptive the portals are. Several countries arm their nuclear warheads in response as AUNT SALDANA and YONAS KIBREAB are waterboarded at Guantanamo.

But at least they are not alone.

THE END