EXT. CALLBACK NOSTALGIA NUMBER 407

CGI WILL is back in THE UPSIDE DOWN, being chased by DEMOGORGONS. He gets captured by JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER FINAL FORM

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

Surprise, I hijacked the entire series, and now the writers are sweating bullets to make my character fill all five seasons. Let the contradictions commence.

CGI WILL

It's funny how I forgot to mention you at all during Season 2.

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

Strap in, kid, there's a lot of forgettable characters, arcs, and banter about to fill up fourteen hours of your life. Netflix should have given out free spreadsheets with this show.

INT. THE 80S RADIO STATION

MAYA HAWKE gives a full recap of what happened since we last binged this show the last sixteen hours.

MAYA HAWKE

If you are not one of the many schlubs watching a three-hour recap video on YouTube to remember this series, then let me break it down for you. The Military has taken over Hawkins to put a stop to Demogorgons sneaking into the border and taking all the American jobs. Remember how easy it was for Jamie Campbell to take over the Earth last season? Now it's ten times more complicated and involves a ton of backstory and side plots. It's a miracle we all survived, but the real miracle is convincing you that the original cast is only five years older. Here is our obligatory 80s plugs to give you little piggies what you want.

THE SPIRIT OF THE EIGHTIES

(raining down its blessings)

Snap-on bracelets, New Coke, Kate Bush, bad perms.

EXT. PLANNING MONTAGE 1- GOING INTO THE UPSIDE DOWN

CUE the fast and exciting world of explaining things to a group of people while others write on a whiteboard or transparency sheet.

NOAH SCHNAPP

Hey, I feel so awkward in this group, like I don't fit in. It's either because I have intense PTSD from multiple tragic life events or I am gay...or a wizard.

FINN WOLFHARD

It's the 80s, you can be all three. I can't remember which character I am dating; there are so many people in this room.

NATALIA DYER

Watch as my character slowly evolves into Sigourney Weaver or Sylvester Stallone. I can't really tell.

CHARLIE HEATON AND JOE KEERY

I'm so hot for you, Nancy.

BRETT GELMAN

Oy vey! Catch phrase! Nasal tone! Awful banter!

DAVID HARBOUR

Listen up, gang. You'll sneak me into the Upside Down, and I will walk around aimlessly, hoping to stumble into Vecna, and then I will shoot him.

WINONA RYDER

Genius! Perfect plan. No notes!

MILLIE BOBBY BROWN

Dad, why can't I join you on this mission? I can literally tear helicopters out of the sky with my mind.

DAVID HARBOUR

After your work on Electric State, I am doing the audience a favor by keeping you in the background.

INT. HOLLY WHEELER FOLLOWS AN 80S STRANGER

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER shows up at NELL FISHER'S room.

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

Hey, little girl, my name is Mr. Whatsit, and I want you to follow me to my mystical land.

NELL FISHER

Epstein already visited here, and I said no. However, stranger danger is a 90s concept, so I see nothing wrong with this plan.

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

I'm glad I could convince you, but to make sure you comply, I am sending demos to hospitalize your mom.

(does that)

NELL FISHER

That almost seems untrustworthy. I will make a note of that.

INT. JIM HOPPER AND ELEVEN BONDING OVER WHO TO KILL- 80S STYLE

MILLIE is upset at her dad's totally lame rules about not dying.

DAVID HARBOUR A GRUDGE

Just because you can jump sixty feet in the air, crush vehicles with your mind, and kill monsters with a thought doesn't mean I want you in this treacherous adventure. You need to stay behind me and watch as I get my quota of action scenes.

MILLIE BOBBY BROWN

So not fair! I am the only reason anyone is alive.

DAVID HARBOUR

Also, you are the only reason we are in danger. Who opened the Upside Down? You. Who turned Vecna into a rejected Resident Evil boss? You. Who didn't keep the door open three inches, leading to my slavery in Russia, which pegged me as a humor character in Black Widow? You. If you had a cell phone, I would take it away from you.

INT. THE 80S PLAN WE HAD TO SIT THROUGH

DAVID and MILLIE sneak into the Upside Down's version of Hawkins lab with a military presence, unaware they're being observed. MILLIE thinks VECNA is being held in this lab.

DAVID HARBOUR

Wow, do you remember when the Upside Down was a rare and mystifying event that was special to the audience? Now it's easier to get into than a Hobby Lobby.

MILLIE BOBBY BROWN

Do you remember when we had to build up to the horror and thrills instead of shoving it down our throats in scene one?

DAVID HARBOUR

Do you remember when I was an alcoholic and a recluse?

(drinks and hides away)

INT. VECNA'S 80S MEMORIES

NELL FISHER is wandering around a house (circa 1980). JAMIE CAMPBELL FISHER confronts her.

JAMIE CAMPBELL FISHER

You are going to help me take over the world with a bunch of other kids, a task that was much simpler to do in seasons 2, 3, and 4, but for some reason, I have severe limitations that require kidnappings, careful planning, and at least three plot twists.

NELL FISHER

Can't you bring the Mind Flayer shadow to earth like in Season 2? What about recruiting mind zombies like in season three? What about Russia's involvement in the Upside Down? That sounds like a great jumping-off point for a scheme. Can't you just pop up on Earth whenever you feel like it and start killing stuff?

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

Enough poking at the inconsistencies. The fourteen-hour runtime isn't going to pad itself.

NELL FISHER

So I can walk around this house?

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

Yup, and I will give you everything you desire so you stay, including a Tiffany album that doesn't catch on nearly as hard as Kate Bush's. Just make sure you don't leave the MAX limit of the border. There's a MAX limit on this credit card I am leaving you. Also, I got you some MAXi pads.

(foreshadow)

INT. MIKE AND WILL TALK ABOUT STUFF- 80S STUFF

NOAH SCHNAPP

Mike, can you tell me how to like girls?

FINN WOLFHARD

Well, when a man and a woman really like each other.

NOAH SCHNAPP

You lost me. I need it explained in terms of a D&D metaphor.

FINN WOLFHARD

When the sorcerer feels a special magic in his staff, he casts a charm spell on an enchantress that lowers her defenses.

NOAH SCHNAPP

What if my wizard staff doesn't feel magical toward the enchantress?

FINN WOLFHARD

Maybe you are the sorcerer who needs to appreciate your own staff for a little while.

Somehow, that equates to NOAH being confident about his powers.

INT. ANOTHER HAREBRAINED PLANNING SESSION THAT COULD HAVE BEEN AN EMAIL, BUT THEY DIDN'T EXIST IN THE 80S

WINONA RYDER

Project Throw David Harbour at the Problem was a fail, and now the Demo Monsters are after a fat kid with one catchphrase.

CALEB MCLAUGHLIN

We already have a fat kid.

WINONA RYDER

Gaten is losing weight, and it's illegal not to have one in our 80s horror show.

MAYA HAWKE

How about we kidnap the kid's family, drug them, and turn his house into a series of violent traps?

NATALIA DYER

(downing roids and shaving with a piece of glass)

Just leave me alone with the demo for twelve minutes.

CHARLIE HEATON AND JOE KEERY

We're so hot for you, Nancy!

GATEN MATARAZZO

Wow, okay, cue the montage. Let's show a bunch of things and explain what they mean later.

BRETT GELMAN

Snookums! Laheim! Pretty Laaaaaaady!

MAYA HAWKE

Can we use Brett as bait?

INT. ELEVEN MEETS NOSTALGIA CALLBACK NUMBER 801

MILLIE and DAVID sneak into the UPSIDE DOWN laboratory (after killing several American soldiers). MILLIE is about to open the door to find...

LINNEA BERTHELSEN

Hi, I am Number 8 from season 2.

MILLIE BOBBY BROWN

Give it up, sister. Netflix isn't giving you Anola Holmes 3. There's only room for one emotionally challenged, dry-as-toast female hero.

LINNEA BERTHELSEN

Get ready for plot twist number one. We all have Vecna's blood, which gives us our powers.

MILLIE BOBBY BROWN

Ugh, another show I am not unique or special in.

INT. THE BARN

The plan to save obligatory FAT KID ON THE TEAM fails as DEMO DOGS chase the kids to a barn. JOE, CHARLIE, NATALIA, and GATEN drive a car into the Upside Down. WINONA and NOAH share a moment.

WINONA RYDER

Will, I need to protect you from the monsters. That is my job as your mom. I want you to know that I will always be looking out for you.

NOAH SCHNAPP

Thanks mom, you are such a great advocate for the youth.

WINONA RYDER

Now that that is settled, let's throw the fat kid into the military and use him as bait to rescue the other ten kids from dangerous monsters.

NOAH SCHNAPP

Wouldn't it make more sense to have the military keep the kids behind a fortified camp filled with trained soldiers brandishing automatic weapons? It took all of our resources and strength to trap one in a house, and all we could do was piss it off.

WINONA RYDER

And give up another montage scene of us explaining a scheme? This show isn't going to pad itself, Will.

INT. THE 80S MILITARY FORTRESS

TEAM WINONA sneaks underground and snatches up the kids being detained at the Fort. It involves crazy hijinks with a spraying toilet and WOLFHARD'S silly grin.

BRETT GELMAN

Alright, my little snookums, get into my secluded truck. It will just be you and me for the next few hours.

CHILDREN

We feel safer with Vecna, actually.

DEMO DOGS destroy the truck and steal the kids. Unfortunately, Brett does not get his face eaten because of insanely unreasonable plot armor.

NOAH SCHNAPP

Oh no, Vecna stole these kids. Now he can do his ritual to EVENTUALLY enter our world.

VECNA comes to Earth.

NOAH SCHNAPP

Nevermind, he can come and go as he pleases. Dude, just go take over the White House.

VECNA starts killing soldiers, endangering children, ripping tags off mattresses.

NOAH SCHNAPP

Enough is enough. I use all my mind powers to kill the Demogorgons. I know exactly where they are and I can hurt them. By the power of Duffer, I cast Useful Protagonist.

NOAH vaporizes all Demogorgans in a mile radius.

WINONA RYDER

Any reason you couldn't have discovered this power before Sean Astin got killed?

EXT. THE UPSIDE DOWN

TEAM CHARLIE crashes into a flesh wall surrounding the Upside Down.

GATEN MATARAZZO

A wall keeping people out? In the Upside Down? Are there any limits to Trump's plan?? We need to cut off the power source at the lab. There's an unstable atomic black hole, and I think we should shoot it.

NATALIA DYER

As long as I get to shoot something. My entire character is based on my ability to fire weapons.

CHARLIE HEATON AND JOE KEERY

We have the hots for you, Nancy.

CUE a riveting scene with GATEN quietly reading a notebook.

GATEN MATARAZZO

I was wrong about everything. The Upside Down is not a world frozen in time, it's a bridge leading toward the Abyss! How did they manage to make the Upside Down as exciting as a dentist's waiting room?

The Upside Down starts pouring Dannon Greek Yogurt, Elmer's Glue, and Silk Almond Milk while CHARLIE and NATALIA share their relationship goals.

NATALIA DYER

So you see, I am a woman who needs no man.

CHARLIE HEATON AND PROBABLY JOE KEERY

We no longer have the hots for you, Nancy.

INT. VECNA'S 80S PLAYHOUSE

The eleven psychic children have been captured, and for some reason, they really trust JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER despite his vicious hell monsters dragging them to him.

Meanwhile, NELL FISHER and SADIE SINK travel through JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER'S memories.

SADIE SINK

I have been stuck in this prison for 18 months. I swear, if I have to sit through Jamie fawning over Farah Fawcett posters one more time...

NELL FISHER

You can guide me out of this maze. How do you find your way to the real world?

Suddenly, KATE BUSH receives a gigantic royalty check.

SADIE SINK

We can hide in this cave that Jamie is terrified of, and then we take a left at the giant hellscape.

NELL FISHER

But wait, that is your exit. How am I...

SADIE SINK

Byeeeeeeeeee

(escapes to the real world)

NELL finds a different portal with absolutely no help from KATE BUSH. She falls through the Upside Down, hurtling toward her death.

EXT. THE UPSIDE DOWN- SKY

NELL is going to die...

DUFFER BROTHER

(scrambling through wadded-up script notes)

Ummm...ummm.ummmm...just kidding, Vecna grabs her and brings her back.

NELL FISHER

I am saved????

INT. THE OTHER UPSIDE DOWN

DAVID, MILLIE, and THIRD WHEEL NOSTALGIA are on the run from the easy-to-thwart MILITARY presence.

LINNEA BERTHELSEN

We can't keep running forever, El. There's only way to keep the military from turning us into weapons.

MILLIE BOBBY BROWN

Expose the truth to a journalist? Hide in a secluded country that America has no jurisdiction in?

LINNEA BERTHELSEN

No, we need to die in the Upside Down and have it close on us forever. Think about protecting your boyfriend.

MILLIE BOBBY BROWN

Will?

LINNEA BERTHELSEN

No, the other boy.

MILLIE BOBBY BROWN

Dustin?

LINNEA BERTHELSEN

No, the one you were inseparable with last season.

MILLIE BOBBY BROWN

Hopper? Can you just tell me? There are a lot of people in this show.

INT. PLANNING MONTAGE 4

SADIE, DAVID, MILLIE, WINONA, LINNEA, BRETT, CHARLIE, JOE, MAYA, NOAH, and at least 30 more support cast members are planning how to kill VECNA.

SADIE SINK

I came back from the horrifying and detestable world of Vecna's memories. Put me back in so I can save Holly correctly this time.

CALEB MCLAUGHLIN

And that means I am finally relevant to this script.

DAVID HARBOUR

Another meeting with notes and planning??? Was this show sponsored by PowerPoint?

GATEN MATARAZZO

The only way to kill Vecna is to let him bring his hellscape world really close to us and then we climb a really high ladder and sneak in.

WINONA RYDER

Genius plan. No notes.

NOAH SCHNAPP

Wait, I have a really important revelation, but it's going to take a massive amount of hemming and hawing to get it out.

EVERYONE

You are gay!

NOAH SCHNAPP

I was going to say a magical wizard, but that works. I don't want this to ruin my relationship with any of you.

CALEB MCLAUGHLIN

Relax, Will, look at how America has eradicated racism in the 80s. I am sure homophobia will be vanquished by 1990.

INT. THE FINAL COUNTDOWN- DO DO DOOOO DOOOO DO

DAVID and LINNEA are plunging MILLIE into a deprivation tank in the Upside Down ...because now the static and dead barren world has a clean source of fresh water.

DAVID HARBOUR

Eleven, I swear, if you kill yourself in the Upside Down, you can't have Eggos for a month.

MILLIE BOBBY BROWN

Dad, the plot armor is so thick I couldn't kill myself if I jumped into Demogorgon's mouth and commanded it to chew.

EXT. VECNA'S FUN WORLD

MILLIE, LINNEA, and SADIE infiltrate VECNA'S mind prison. They save NELL by confronting JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER...for about five minutes.

NELL FISHER

You guys suck at this.

(gets recaptured)

MILLIE BOBBY BROWN

No worries, I threw Vecna into a wall, which has never killed anyone in the history of cinema.

LINNEA BERTHELSEN

Our careers are looking bleak after this. Keep him alive as long as you can.

DAVID HARBOUR

Guys, the Upside Down world is falling apart. Vecna is bringing the abyss down on us. Don't leave me here... oh, never mind, Vecna is here to help.

(Vecna mind freaks him)

DAVID, MILLIE, and LINNEA royally fail the brain-hijack mission, and now THE MILITARY has captured them.

DAVID HARBOUR

They activated a sonic disruptor that makes Eleven have to emote pain. We are doomed.

LINNEA BERTHELSEN

Look, Brett threw C4 at the helicopter holding the alarm. Eleven is back to killing American soldiers. Hooray.

DAVID HARBOUR

Did Brett die in the explosion?

LINNEA BERTHELSEN

(sadly)

No.

DAVID HARBOUR

We're doomed.

LINNEA is shot.

LINNEA BERTHELSEN

I got shot. Or maybe I didn't. Or I did. Or I didn't. I don't know. Just leave me here.

MILLIE BOBBY BROWN

So, we are either leaving you here to bleed out in awful pain for three hours, or you are abandoning the fight and just giving up.

INT. THAT ONE TIME IN AN ABANDONED MINE- FLASHBACK

NOAH taps into VECNA'S memories. JAMIE is a little Cub Scout kid being held at gunpoint by a wounded scientist. The scientist shoots him, and JAMIE beats the scientist to death with his own briefcase.

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

There's an alien rock in this briefcase, and it's giving me superpowers.

MIND FLAYER

Hey kid, do you want to devote your life to finding me, an immobile spider on a barren plane of existence?

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

That just so happens to be a Boy Scout badge I can earn, sure.

INT. THE ABYSS- 80S EDITION

GATEN, JOE, CHARLIE, HALF THE CAST FROM IT CHAPTER ONE, NATALIA, STEVE, BILL COSBY, WINONA, NOAH, and ...I don't know JESSE FROM FULL HOUSE, infiltrate the dystopian world of the Abyss.

GATEN MATAZARRO

This place is just rocks and canyons. We should just let Vecna have Arizona.

CALEB MCLAUGHLIN

This is the birthplace of Demogorgons. They should be crawling everywhere.

NATALIA DYER

I am sure Vecna will have an army of them waiting for us when we fight him. He'd be so dumb not to.

NOAH SCHNAPP

I feel a deep connection with him. He is hanging from the ceiling inside a giant spider's rectum. My arms are killing me.

Suddenly, the MIND FLAYER comes alive and chases the adventurers Kaiju-style.

MILLIE BOBBY BROWN

Guys, I am here. My dad said it was okay for me to die.

EVERYONE gets into a strategic battle position and begins SPAMMING ATTACKS, while MILLIE jumps inside it.

NATALIA DYER

(firing a heavy belt-fed machine gun one-handed)

CALEB MCLAUGHLIN

(spraying acid all over the thick hide)

JOE KEERY

(stabbing it in the nethers repeatedly)

WINONA RYDER

(spreading false news about its past to discredit its political future)

MIND FLAYER

Ugh! I did not think this through.

MEANWHILE:

MILLIE and JAMIE are throwing each other into walls.

JAMIE CAMPBELL BOWER

Join the dark side, Millie. You can live in a spider's rectum while staring at comatose kids.

MILLIE and NOAH team up their mind powers to make JAMIE punch himself.

NOAH SCHNAPP

If Millie is 11, Linnea is 8, and I am 1, then we just rolled a nat 20.

LINNEA BERTHELSEN

(quietly bleeding out on the floor...or not)

We got this, guys.

MILLIE impales JAMIE on a spike. WINONA cuts off his head.

FINN WOLFHARD

Are you insane? Will can feel all of Vecna's pain. You just killed Will.

NOAH SCHNAPP

I'm fine. I cast a hand-waving spell on that conflict.

EXT. HAWKINS MILITARY COMPLEX

ALL THE HEROES WHO SAVED THE WORLD return home to Hawkins, but they are immediately arrested by MILITARY GUYS I DIDN'T HAVE SPACE, TIME, OR DESIRE TO MENTION THOUGH I AM SURE THEIR STORY MATTERS TO SOMEONE.

MILITARY GUY 1

Eleven is not in the truck; she snuck off into the Upside Down as it was about to explode.

FINN WOLFHARD

Noooooooooooooooo...one of us was dating her.

MILITARY GUY 2

Our entire operation is ruined. Everyone pull out. We are leaving this town now.

DAVID HARBOUR

Not to be a nuisance, but we did commit treasonous crimes against the state, killing several American soldiers. Plus, Will has exhibited psychic powers along with twelve kids. You might want to stick around for some extra experiments.

MILITARY

(leaves to fight the war on drugs)

EXT. THE LONG GOODBYE TO MAKE IT AN EVEN 14 HOURS

A YEAR later, the kids are graduating high school... despite half of them receiving mail from AARP. We can suspend our belief one more time.

FINN is sad that his girlfriend died. His future is secure in IT CHAPTER ONE.

GATEN gives the valedictorian speech at his school. He will get decent reviews in a rom-com exclusive to PARAMOUNT PLUS.

JOE coaches Little League. He will ride RYAN REYNOLDS' coattails in the movie FREE GUY.

CHARLIE is now in the movie production business. His role in NEW MUTANTS is quickly forgotten by FOX.

SADIE graduates despite losing 18 months of schooling from being in a coma.

CALEB is excited about graduating. He looks forward to a long career of starring in TUBI EXCLUSIVES.

NATALIA professionally cosplays as a young Hillary Clinton.

DAVID and WINONA get hitched. He hopes to sustain their marriage with his role as the new Hell Boy.

BRETT survives, unfortunately, helping to make Hawkins a worse place by calling everyone "snookums."

THE AUDIENCE will spend their days looking for the ninth episode, causing Netflix's server to crash.

GATEN, SADIE, CALEB, FINN, and NOAH are playing their last game of D&D, but they are doing it wrong because no one is arguing about initiative rolls.

FINN WOLFHARD

I have a secret theory about El. I think she used almost-dead Kali's powers to make everyone think she died in the Upside Down, but instead, she got proper clothing, food, money, and transportation to arrive in Ireland, where she lives in a triple waterfall.

LINNEA BERTHELSEN

(still bleeding out, or not)

I got this, guys.

CUE KATE BUSH

END