FADE IN:

INT. MIDDLE SCHOOL - NEW YORK CITY

JAMIE FOXX is a MUSIC TEACHER who still has dreams of being a PERFORMER. One fateful day, after teaching his CRAPPY, CRAPPY SCHOOL BAND, he is offered a PERMANENT TEACHING POSITION.

JAMIE FOXX

What bullshit is this? Full time employment, with pension and benefits?!? In THIS economy?!??!

(wrecks shit)

But he also gets a PHONE CALL from a FORMER STUDENT offering him a chance to AUDITION for ANGELA BASSETT'S FAMOUS JAZZ QUARTET!

JAMIE FOXX

Oh wow! Thanks to my teaching job, I can finally say FUCK YOU to my shitty thankless teaching job!

JAMIE goes to the AUDITION, and to demonstrate his ability to seamlessly integrate into an established professional ensemble he starts just PLAYING RIGHT THE FUCK OVER EVERYONE and TUNING THEM OUT COMPLETELY so he can do a HUGE SPRAWLING IMPROVISATIONAL EPIC SOLO only after which does he notice everyone else stopped a while back and waited patiently for him to finally be done.

ANGELA BASSETT

That was amazing, see you tonight!

JAMIE FOXX

Aw yeah, this is my big break!

(dances out of club)

I'm gonna be famous!

(wanders through rush hour traffic)

Nothing can derail me now!

(skips down subway tracks)

(frolics through firing range)

All clear sailing from now-

(walks into open manhole)

(falls to death)

I really am NOT good at being attentive to my surroundings.

EXT. THE GREAT GIANT GUITAR NECK TO THE AFTERLIFE

GHOST JAMIE is being beckoned to the light, but panics!

GHOST JAMIE FOXX

Ack! Run! Listen everyone we gotta get outta here!

(huge crowd of ghosts move serenely towards light)

Am I the ONLY one here who died unexpectedly and is pissed about it? That doesn't seem statistically possible.

GHOST JAMIE runs away and manages to PUSH THROUGH the MEMBRANE surrounding the path, implying that everyone who's died without coming back just DIDN'T TRY HARD ENOUGH the FUCKING SLACKERS, STOP CRYING TIMMY. After falling through some VERY TRIPPY OPENING CREDITS, JAMIE is thrown out of a TIME BANDITS PORTAL onto the ghost of a FIELD.

GIANT TRANS-DIMENSIONAL TWO-DIMENSIONAL PICASSO BEING

Hello! You must be our latest Mentor, here to help prepare new souls for Earth. All our Mentors are famous historical figures and there are over 200,000 people born every day, so please don't do the math on that.

(pause)

Anyway call me Jerry so that we don't have to type that whole description every time.

GHOST JAMIE FOXX

What is this place though? Why is everything so puffy?

JERRY (AH SEE HOW MUCH EASIER THAT IS, FUCK NOW I WRECKED IT BY TYPING ALL THIS OTHER SHIT)

This is where new souls prepare to begin human life. Once they complete tutorial mode, they get an Earth patch. And when they're ready, they jump through that hole to inhabit bodies on Earth.

GHOST JAMIE FOXX

When THEY'RE ready? Shouldn't the number of people being born determine how many souls jump at any given time? Otherwise you have people with no souls, or souls with no bodies to leap into...

JERRY

And over here is where we build their starting personality, everything from nice to bratty to malignant narcissism. Fuck YOU, Nurture!

GHOST JAMIE FOXX

You deliberately make some people into narcissist assholes? Why the fuck do you do that?

JERRY

Look we're not going to repair the underlying ethical framework of the Universe here, this isn't some zany half-hour Kristen Bell sitcom.

Elsewhere, a different 2D higher being named TERRY discovers something is AMISS and vows to RECTIFY it! Anyway just assume the movie cuts over to TERRY every so often and we'll get back to that once it's in any way relevant.

INT. MENTOR-SOUL MATCHING HALL

GHOST JAMIE, having been mistaken for a far more accomplished and renowned dead person (keep it sleazy, movie!), is matched up with the MOST DIFFICULT SOUL EVER, GHOST TINA FEY.

GHOST TINA FEY

I can't complete my Earth patch until I find my own special "spark", a concept we'll keep a bit vague for now, to help you misunderstand it. Also we need to find a baby capable of handling my distinctive New-York-centric wit and love of sheet cake. Various Mentors have failed for thousands of years to help me find this "spark".

GHOST JAMIE FOXX

Well let's visit the Hall of My Life, full of vignettes of my various failures and disappointments, all of my mortal existence re-enacted in precise detail HOW THE FUCK HAS NOBODY FIGURED OUT I'M NOT THE FAMOUS GUY THEY ASSUMED I WAS?!? IT IS ALL RIGHT THE FUCK HERE IN PLAIN VIEW.

GHOST TINA FEY

Strangely I do not find your depressing-ass life remotely inspiring.

GHOST JAMIE FOXX

Okay then, let's try the Hall of Everything! It has representations of everything you can touch, taste, or smell from Earth, except without the touch, taste, or smell. What the fuck is the point of this.

GHOST TINA FEY

Well let me show YOU something! Notice that regular-looking box over there? And yes, even the spirit realm gets everything from Amazon now. Anyway inside that is a portal to THE ZONE! C'mon!

They go through the box into THE ZONE.

EXT. THE ZONE

Inside the ZONE we find even TRIPPIER LANDSCAPES along with various ASTRAL PROJECTIONS of STILL ALIVE HUMANS, none of whom have ever stumbled across the BOX that would reveal huge underlying secrets of all existence, PHEW! One of these humans is ASTRAL PROJECTION GRAHAM NORTON, who is captain of an astral projection of a PIRATE SHIP!

ASTRAL GRAHAM NORTON

I guess this ship is docked somewhere tripping balls right now? Anyhoo I will try to help you, Jamie, as long as you tell me an entertaining story about your life. Otherwise it's the big red lever for you!

GHOST JAMIE FOXX

I need to get back, it's my destiny to become a world-famous musician! Like, Ray Charles famous, to choose an example at random!

ASTRAL GRAHAM NORTON

Well I'm sure I can find you a weak spot to travel between dimensions, since in this universe anyone high on weed gets Dr. Strange powers.

(smiles)

It also just so happens I live in downtown New York, like you, and work at this address. In case you need me later in the story, let's set up that staggering coincidence right now.

GRAHAM finds the PORTAL and through it, we see hospitalized JAMIE!

GHOST JAMIE FOXX

My body! There it is! Now I can jump back in and make the gig!

GHOST TINA FEY

Isn't your body hopelessly busted to shit though? Because you, y'know, died?

GHOST JAMIE FOXX

Oh I'm sure re-souling my body will fix all those multiple fractures and ruptured organs. So long suckers!

However in his haste GHOST JAMIE drags GHOST TINA with him! And wouldn't ya know, GHOST TINA winds up inside JAMIE, and GHOST JAMIE winds up inside a CAT! Note that this also means the CAT'S soul gets punted to the AFTERLIFE on the conveyor belt to the GREAT BEYOND, we'll revisit this later.

TINA FOX

Hey you're right, your body has completely healed!

(crashes into 3000 things learning how to operate human form)

JAMIE CATT

And appears to be impervious to further injury, thank fuck. Let us wackily escape!

EXT. NEW YORK CITY

JAMIE and TINA track down GRAHAM NORTON whose job is to be outside all day twirling a giant sign saying HEY LOOK IT'S ME, GRAHAM NORTON, RIGHT HERE, so not like it's difficult.

GRAHAM NORTON

Oh I can totally switch you back. But not now, we must wait until immediately before the gig, because reasons.

JAMIE CATT

Well SHIT. I guess we'll have to spend the intervening time doing some wacky comedy bonding, god DAMMIT.

With disembodied spirit TINA having possessed a human, JAMIE introduces her to things like REAL PIZZA and SUBWAY MUSICIANS and BREAKDANCING and 1980S FASHION and the SMITHSONIAN AIR & SPACE MUSEUM and WAIT WAIT SORRY THAT'S WONDER WOMAN 1984, MY BAD, just the pizza and subway parts happen.

JAMIE CATT

Oh shit, Angela Bassett just saw us, and I look all disheveled and untailored! Now she'll never let me play the gig!

FORMER STUDENT

(leaving phone message)

Jamie listen. I know you're in a race against time to make the gig and live your dream. But now that Angela saw you like that, you're in a SLIGHTLY MORE URGENT race against time to arrive TWO MINUTES EARLIER so you can quickly make good with Angela, and still do the gig and live your dream. Do you hear me? It's SLIGHTLY MORE URGENT now!!

TINA FOX

Well gosh, what do we do?

JAMIE CATT

We gotta get you sheveled and tailored, is what. Hold still, I'm sure my cat paws can operate this razor AW FUCK WHAT DID I DO TO MY HAIR?!?

TINA FOX

Yeah what was that about? Your hair looked fine before. And you always wear a hat on stage anyway.

JAMIE CATT

Look we need more locations and together time, and an excuse to get us there, all right? Now we must away... to the BARBERSHOP!

INT. THE BARBERSHOP!

They reach the IMPRESSIVELY REALISTICALLY-LIT BARBERSHOP and TINA settles in for a HAIRCUT.

BARBER

Oh sure I had other dreams before I became a barber. But life's about more than that y'know? I guess you could say the SPARK that keeps me going isn't just CHASING MY DREAMS but APPRECIATING THE EVERYDAY, are you even listening?

JAMIE CATT

Shhh, I'm busy thinking about all the dreams I'm gonna chase when I'm human again. Sooooo many dreams.

They LEAVE and for a moment it seems they've run out of stuff to do besides wait around a few hours for GRAHAM but then!

TINA FOX

Uh oh! I've, um, ripped your pants!

JAMIE CATT

Then I guess we gotta go to... the TAILOR'S! And the only tailor who might do it in time is... my MOM!!

(mugs to camera)

TINA FOX

Oh phew, that should provide enough dramatic push to get us to the next crisis.

INT. TAILOR'S

At the tailor's they find JAMIE'S TAILOR MOM PHYLICIA RASHAD.

PHYLICIA RASHAD

Dammit Jamie. You know I don't approve of you chasing these foolish dreams and not focussing on your teaching. I'm tremendously disappointed.

JAMIE CATT

(whispering to Tina)

Since only you can understand me, I need you to repeat something. Listen very carefully...

TINA FOX

(listens)

(nods)

(looks deep into Phylicia's eyes)

But I really want to.

PHYLICIA RASHAD

(beaming)

Oh well okay then! Go go late-night jazz musician! Here, have your father's old suit! I hope you understand, I just didn't want you to turn into your horrible degenerate jazz father.

JAMIE CATT

So we're all set! Now we just meet Graham for the switch and-

TINA FOX

Actually fuck that! Look at all this random shit I've found lying about while we were here... a ticket stub for Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark! A wad of chewed gum that looks just like Rudy Giuliani! Rangers defenceman Jack Johnson! I love it on Earth and I'm staying!

(runs off)

JAMIE chases TINA but they're both caught by TERRY, remember TERRY? Anyway TERRY catches them.

EXT. BACK AT THE SOUL FIELD

Back in GHOST form they find GHOST TINA'S Earth badge is complete!

GHOST JAMIE FOXX

Bah, you only completed that badge because you were in my body and that's MY spark. Though I guess I was a soul-in-training once, and should have my own badge, but let's not address that.

GHOST TINA FEY

And THIS badge was still attached to MY soul. Maybe I just share your interests?

GHOST JAMIE FOXX

That might be the case, and I guess if I successfully mentored you after thousands of others failed, I might have earned the reward of a second chance at life. Which is extra plausible since that's how the movie ends. But at this point in the story I can't think that way, I have to go full FUCK YOU mode! Gimme my Earth badge!

GHOST TINA FEY

I agree, FUCK YOU TOO! I don't need this badge! I don't have to hold onto any stinking badge!

(throws badge at Jamie)

JAMIE takes the badge and jumps back into his OWN BODY! Also the CAT comes back to life, but HOW CAN WE BE SURE what soul is inside? For all we know the ORIGINAL CAT went to the light and some HIDEOUS DEMON now inhabits this seemingly innocent cat form... but it's probably fine.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY - NIGHT

JAMIE plays the GIG to HUGE APPLAUSE and the CHEERING OF HIS MOM! But afterwards he senses something is not right.

JAMIE FOXX

I feel strange, Angela. This is everything I hoped for, but I expected... more?

ANGELA BASSETT

You remind me of the story of the dumbass fish who was in the ocean but didn't know it was the ocean because the fish was a fucking dipshit. I should fire your ass if you're so let down by landing this gig.

(smiles)

See you tomorrow!

JAMIE goes home and finds the random shit TINA collected in his pockets, and gets all wistful. He plays his PIANO and thinks about all of LIFE'S SIMPLE EVERYDAY JOYS and there's some bizarre 3D EFFECT that makes everything all WATERY for a bit, like even the room around the TV set, not sure how they pulled that off. Anyway JAMIE enters THE ZONE!

EXT. THE ZONE

JAMIE starts promoting the movie so he can get booked on ASTRAL GRAHAM NORTON.

ASTRAL GRAHAM NORTON

Thank goodness you're here Jamie, Tina's become a Lost Soul. Thousands of years of failure didn't break her down but you finally did it! You really are something special.

GHOST TINA FEY

Grrr fuck off, I'm gonna be sad and miserable forever!

ASTRAL JAMIE FOXX

Too sad and miserable for a hyper-frenetic chase and an avalanche of trippy effects? This is the big finish after all.

GHOST TINA FEY

Argh FINE!

(hyper-frenetic chase)

(avalanche of trippy effects)

ASTRAL JAMIE FOXX

Wait Tina! I also brought the, um, soul, of that leaf you found? Anyway I realize it was your spark all along. You can have it back.

(hands over badge)

GHOST TINA FEY

Gosh you're right! I am ready to become a person! Thanks Jamie. I'm glad that this young white soul found the magical guidance of an older black man. You should have a trope named after you, hm, we could call it-

ASTRAL JAMIE FOXX

Just jump to Earth before you say anything else.

GHOST TINA FEY leaps downward and presumably becomes TINA FEY which means this whole movie was actually set in 1970.

JERRY

Congratulations Jamie. We've decided you earned the right to live again!

ASTRAL JAMIE FOXX

Wow so you can really just... do that, huh. I mean if you're gonna bring back people who died before their time--no, no, we'd be here all day. Thanks.

JAMIE steps through a portal and is ALIVE YET AGAIN, YAY!

JAMIE FOXX

I'm alive, and with new appreciation of mortal existence! Which path shall I choose: performance or teaching? Ah, perhaps that shall remain unanswered, since the TRUE meaning of life is found in the little things; all the everyday delights of this fair city we call-

GIGANTIC DEMON CAT TOWERING ABOVE FIERY HELLSCAPE THAT WAS ONCE NEW YORK CITY

(demolishing)

MWAH HA HA, PITIFUL MORTALS, YOU SHALL ALL FEEL MY ETERNAL TORMENT!! YOU NEVER SHOULD HAVE UNLEASHED MORGATH THE UNBOWELLER, BWAH HA HA HA HA

JAMIE FOXX

Well, shit.

END