FADE IN:

EXT. WALK HARD- STARRING DEWEY COX

Several young men are sitting together on the road, pondering life, the future, and the fate of their actions.

COOPER HOFFMAN

Soooo this is a fun activity. The government is forcing us to walk across America, and it will shoot us if we slow down more than three times. It's like if Fitbit sponsored the Hunger Games.

DAVID JONSSON

If by 'forcing' you mean we can volunteer for this freely and back out by the deadline then you are absoultuely correct. I think it's more like if Band of Brothers and LA Fitness collabed on a movie. Hopefully, there's a very compelling reason why all of us would sign up for this suicide mission that won't favor any of us.

BEN WANG

I think we need to embrace the old Stephen King plot device that sugarcoats all his movies: things just happen so people can die in gory ways. Don't question why this event feels like New Balance shoes and a Nazi prison camp had a baby together.

The SPIRIT OF LOGIC AND REASON descends on this film.

GARRETT WAREING

(seized by the voice of reason)

The stakes of this ridiculous and optional competition make absolutely no sense. None of you should be here.

TUT NYUOT

At least it's good for exercise and community. I like to think of this like Russian Roulette endorsed by Fleet Feet.

GARRETT WAREING

(seized by the voice of reason)

Any option would be better than this. Resorting to cannibalism, eating dog food, moving to England, or even growing crops.

CHARLIE PLUMMER

For a dystopian world, there is a lot of beautiful Americana scenery.

COOPER HOFFMAN

I guess anything less than a bustling metro of progressive fair-trade coffee shops is a dystopia for Stephen King.

GARRETT WAREING

(seized by the voice of reason)

Audience, you must escape. Save yourself!

MARK HAMIL's squadron of murder soldiers appears in tanks and jeeps.

MARK HAMILL

Here are the rules for the super mega pacer test we are about to conduct. If we ask you to go faster three times, then we will shoot you. If you try to leave, we will shoot you. If you ask me any Batman or Star Wars questions, we will shoot you. Seriously, folks, my career is so much bigger than those two franchises.

The reason we run this completely unpopular competition that America doesn't feel the need to protest is because after we fought in World-War-Insert-Number, America got so poor that we needed to become totalitarian fascists. Now, all you boys have to walk to prove that we aren't lazy... or something. Stephen wrote this story when he was 19, so give him some slack.

JACK GIFFIN

It's like a timeline where Dr. Kevorkian is the director of the Presidential Fitness Test.

GARRETT WAREING

(Voice of Reason leaves in disgust)

This whole vehicle is void of any sense. I am starting to miss explanations like "Somehow Palpatine came back."

DAVID JONSSON

Relax, this is a Stephen King book set in old-timey America. Those things win awards. The Shawshank Redemption, Hearts of Atlantis, and Tommy Knockers come to mind.

BEN WANG

One-third of those movies were actually good.

COOPER HOFFMAN

Which is better than our odds in this ridiculous competition? Let's go.

EXT. MILE 1- RUN LOLA RUN

There's going to be constant walking for the near two-hour span of this movie. Please note that some viewers experienced Restless Leg Syndrome and chaffing while watching this. Enjoy responsibly.

COOPER HOFFMAN

Soooooo, since we are all playing against each other, we should be bitter enemies.

DAVID JONSSON

Ooooooor, how about we get so emotionally attached that none of us will want to win by the end, making it pointless from the very beginning?

BEN WANG

Shall we get started with the playful boy banter that all gritty writers think we engage in? For example: I have a big weiner, and your mom is hot!

CHARLIE PLUMMER

We can't all be nice, so I am going to be the designated D-bag of the movie. For example: Your weiner is small, and your mom is not hot!

TUT NYOT

You know what would make this walk so much more pleasant? Conversations around religion and politics.

ALL THE BOYS

Hooray!

EXT. 8 MILE- STARRING EMINEM

Guess what? More walking.

ROMAN GRIFFIN DAVIS

I got a Charlie Horse, I am doomed!

MARK HAMILL

Roman, you got your first warning.

ROMAN GRIFFIN DAVIS

My leg hurts so much.

MARK HAMILL

Roman, you got your second warning.

ROMAN GRIFFIN DAVIS

Awwwwwww...I can't go any further.

MARK HAMILL

Roman, that is your third warning. We will shoot you.

ROMAN GRIFFIN DAVIS

I give up! Why did I choose this over Boy Scouts?

MARK HAMILL

I am going to count to three, Roman.

ROMAN GRIFFIN DAVIS

My life is forfeit.

MARK HAMILL

Three and three-quarters, three and a half, three and one-quarter...

ROMAN GRIFFIN DAVIS

Any...moment...now.

MARK HAMILL

One-point-nine, one-point-eight, one-point-seven...

One of the soldiers fires a gun at Roman. A werewolf jumps out of the gun and mauls him.

COOPER HOFFMAN

This movie really pads itself.

EXT. THE BROWN MILE

More walking but with pooping scenes.

JACK GIFFIN

Ahhhhhhhh...I am having a bad bout of Dark Tower with a massive case of Fire Starter.

COOPER HOFFMAN

Disgusting! Who wrote this scene? R.R. Martin???

CHARLIE PLUMMER

This timeline apparently includes a Taco Bell.

The Soldiers shoot JACK. Dracula comes out of the bullet and bites the guy.

EXT. 30 MILES TO GRACELAND

Everyone stops for a breakdance competition... JK... more walking.

CHARLIE PLUMMER

One of the boys is named Rank. That is hilarious. That makes me think your mom is a prostitute for some reason.

DAYMON WRIGHTLY

I want to punch you!

(misses several times)

MARK HAMIL

Not making Charlie Plummer shut up is a felony. Prepare to die!

A soldier shoots DAYMON. JACK NICHOLSON jumps out of the bullet and chops him up.

COOPER HOFFMAN

Charlie!!!! That kills people!!!!

EXT. MILE 45 CANNON BALL RUN- NIGHT

Everyone is getting tired. In other news...water is wet.

COOPER HOFFMAN

Our most dreaded enemy, a road that inclines upward!

Suddenly, CHRISTINE mows down several boys who are unable to keep up on the incline.

DAVID JONSSON

(helping Cooper walk)

Don't worry, Cooper, I decided we are going to be a Bubba Gump duo. I will support you.

BEN WANG

Don't forget you have an Asian, Algonquin, Jamaican and another African friend.

COOPER HOFFMAN

For a dystopian America in the 1940s, we are very good at celebrating diversity.

EXT. MILE 100- MARATHON MAN

From the studio that brought you walking, MORE WALKING.

DAVID JONSSON

As per the Disney Princess Clause in this government policy, everyone who wins gets a wish. I am going to wish for true change in the system.

COOPER HOFFMAN

I am going to kill Mark Hamill because he shot my dad while he was filming The Hunger Games: Mockingjay-Part Two. I will wish for a gun and shoot him. It's foolproof.

THE SPIRIT OF LOGIC AND REASON decides to come back for a second go.

GARRETT WAREING

(seized by the voice of reason)

Nothing makes sense in this world! You guys just spent a whole mile cussing out the government, but Cooper's dad gets shot for reading Where's Waldo on the banned list.

DAVID JONSSON

Don't do that, Cooper. Revenge is evil. Revenge leads to fear. Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to...

COOPER HOFFMAN

Awful spin-offs of Death Wish?

DAVID JONSSON

Exactly, life is full of beauty and goodness. Just because we are part of some weird, murderous activity sponsored by our fascist government, which is celebrated by a dark generation of reality TV lovers, doesn't mean you need to get all sour.

EXT. MILE 650- THE RUNNING MAN

It's still walking, but now JUDY GREER stands at the side of the road.

JUDY GREER

Honey, are you wearing fresh underwear? Do you need a coat? Are you eating your vegetables?

COOPER HOFFMAN

Moooooooom, don't bother me at walking club.

JUDY GREER

Good luck. I hope you make it into the top three.

EXT. MILE 1240- A WALK TO REMEMBER

This mile is sponsored by www.feetpics.edu.

BEN WANG

Guys, I know this might come as a shock, but I am getting pretty tired. I think I am going to see if someone will let me borrow a gun.

BEN gets shot in the stomach by a bullet containing a Langolier.

BEN WANG

Upon further inspection, this whole thing was a bad idea! Waaaaaaaah.

THE SPIRIT OF LOGIC AND REASON returns.

GARRETT WAREING

(seized by the voice of reason)

Now you agree with me???

DAVID JONSSON

Did I forget to mention that Ben had a wife?

COOPER HOFFMAN

I think it's fair that whoever wins should send her an Edible Arrangement.

CHARLIE PLUMMER

I feel so guilty for making that one kid die. I need to forfeit the competition.

(stabs himself with a cursed mummy staff)

(gets shot by Woody Harrelson)

JOSHUA ODJICK

I was too...out of breath...to introduce myself for the whole script, but I am going to bow out gracefully.

(goes full Rambo on one soldier)

(resurrected cat eats his brains)

TUT NYUOT

Guys, I am also pretty tired. I am ready to be with the Lord. Please drop me off at the nearest sad conflict resolution station.

(gets eaten by his worst fears induced by an alien clown)

THE SPIRIT OF LOGIC AND REASON tries once more to knock some sense into this illogical world.

GARRETT WAREING

Hold on, Voice of Reason, I have a confession. Mark Hamill is my dad. He was a bit too creative with his lightsaber, and now he has a lot of illegitimate sons. Also, I got a bad case of pneumonia, so I am going to stop.

(gets his legs broken by an obsessed book reader)

THE VOICE OF LOGIC AND REASON

Figures.

EXT. THE ROAD TO EL DORADO

Only COOPER and DAVID are left. Their adoring fans are cheering them on.

DAVID JONSSON

I am going to let you win, Cooper. You have a mom, and that means you need to live.

COOPER HOFFMAN

No, man, you grew up in the foster care system, so that means you need to win.

THE GUY SELLING T-SHIRTS

(seized by the Voice of Reason)

I think the kids who stayed at home and got part-time jobs are the real winners, TBH.

COOPER gets shot. The bullet turns into a DOME and closes him off forever.

MARK HAMILL

You did it, David. You won the Annual Samsung Galaxy Watch American Walking Boy Pacer Challenge. Now wish for anything you want, and you can have it.

DAVID JONSSON

How about a loaded gun with the safety off? Also, can you hold completely still and close your eyes?

MARK HAMILL

Sounds perfectly normal.

(gets shot, but it's only his force projection. The real Mark Hamill is doing voice work for Batman: The Animated Series)

THE CORRUPT GOVERNMENT

(shocked)

We don't have a policy for anyone who shoots at us! We have to let him go. Wait until he checks out Where's Waldo at the library and then he's toast.

THE VOICE OF LOGIC AND REASON

I hate this place!

END