FADE IN:

INT. JAPANESE CAVE ON A JAPANESE CLIFF IN JAPAN

One-eyed boy ART PARKINSON wakes up in his CLIFFSIDE CAVE with his mother, CHARLIZE THERON.

ART PARKINSON

Welp, I’m late for work! A quick breakfast of rice, then off to busking with my magical shamisen, to use origami to tell a tale about a samurai who sushi anime shuriken kimonos WOW this thing is Japanese. Why so Japanese? It’s not based on anything Japanese. The creators aren’t Japanese. Most of the cast isn’t Japanese. What kind of Weeaboo horseshit is this?

CHARLIZE THERON

...

ART PARKINSON

Um, what’s that you say, Mom? “After four movies about a youth surviving a darkly eccentric fantasy landscape, Laika finally decided to admit how much they’re trying to be Miyazaki”?

(sighs)

Oh Mom, I wish you never got that old head injury which makes you catatonic most the time.

STOP-MOTION ANIMATOR

Hey, if Charlize wants to sit perfectly motionless and stare into space, that’s her business. You do you, Charlize!

(heads outside to play hacky sack)

ART heads into town and starts BUSKING.

ART PARKINSON

Check it out, everybody! Watch me use my expert storytelling skills, virtuosic musicianship, and straight-up telekinetic powers to stage an enthralling origami epic about good versus evil! I’m the greatest fucking entertainer on the face of the planet, why the hell am I stuck begging in the street on the outskirts of the Podunk Prefecture?

VILLAGERS

This show is awesome! Let’s all stand here and watch it for like eight straight hours! Fuck whatever else we were planning on doing today!

ART plays and plays and plays until he notices the sun starting to go down.

ART PARKINSON

Shit! Sorry to leave you without an ending folks, I’ll just start from scratch tomorrow I guess.

(flees)

VILLAGERS

No problem, we’ll all come watch you all day again tomorrow. Apparently we don’t have a damn thing going on in our pointless pathetic lives!

ART runs back to the CAVE to find CHARLIZE less CATATONIC.

CHARLIZE THERON

Now I seemingly have told you this fifty million times already, but for the audience’s sake: remember that you must never EVER stay out after the sun goes down.

ART PARKINSON

Okay, I get that I can’t be outside at night. But couldn’t we be inside, oh, I don’t know, an actual house? Like a structure designed for human habitation? You know, instead of squatting in some hole in a rock?

CHARLIZE THERON

Well maybe we could afford such a thing if you actually remembered the whole “get money” part of busking.

ART PARKINSON

(slaps forehead)

RIGHT. THAT. FUCK.

(sighs)

Well okay, I’ll stay in our crappy hole whenever it’s dark out. But maybe I’d take it more seriously if you bothered to explain exactly what happens if I’m caught outside at night?

CHARLIZE THERON

Ah, yes, that would make sense, but fortunately my brain injury makes it at least somewhat believable that I would never have thought to warn you about SALAD FORKS AND FISSSHHHH

(drools)

EXT. LITTLE JAPANESE VILLAGE

The next day, ART hears about some CANDLELIGHT CEREMONY in town where villagers CONTACT THE DEAD.

ART PARKINSON

Ooh, I could talk to my dad, the dead samurai warrior! I’m sure attending an outdoor candlelight ceremony couldn’t possibly cause me to be outdoors after dark.

But he winds up staying outside after the SUN GOES DOWN, and is confronted by a pair of CREEPY-ASS MASKED TWINS, ROONEY MARA and TWONEY MARA.

ROONEY MARA

We’re here to get you, Art! We’re the daughters of the Moon King, who was able to spot you because you were out at night!

TWONEY MARA

That’s why you were supposed to stay indoors at night, because the moon comes out then, and NEVER during the day!

ROONEY MARA

Nope, nobody has ever seen the moon during daylight hours! If you think you have, you’re wrong.

TWONEY MARA

And now we seize you, by wandering towards you at the pace of a couple of octogenarians wading through waist-deep tar!

ART hurries back towards HOME. CHARLIZE rushes out to MEET HIM.

CHARLIZE THERON

I must protect you! I know, I’ll activate the wings in the back of your shirt and you can fly away. This will allow you to escape the twins even though they seemingly have the ability to just materialize at your exact location whenever they want.

ART PARKINSON

(floating off on magic wings)

Uhh, why didn’t you ever teach me how to activate the wings myself? I could’ve just flown away from those twins without letting them find and kill you in the process.

CHARLIZE THERON

Well let’s assume that’s another oversight which can be chalked up to my BRAIM INJURBLY

(killed)

EXT. SNOWY MOUNTAIN

ART’S MAGIC WINGS have dumped him UNCONSCIOUS in a pile of SNOW during a RAGING BLIZZARD, so yeah, GREAT PROTECTING THERE MAGIC WINGS. He is approached by MONKEY CHARLIZE THERON.

MONKEY CHARLIZE THERON

I’m here to protect you, Art! I’m showing up immediately after your mother’s death, and have her facial scar and voice actress. I wonder what the reveal about my identity is going to be???

ART PARKINSON

So why the hell is this Moon King out to kill me anyway?

MONKEY CHARLIZE THERON

Actually he doesn’t, he wants to adopt you. He wants to pull you out of your life of cave-dwelling poverty and make you an immortal god like him, the BASTARD!

ART PARKINSON

Uh - yeah, what a jerk.

(pause)

...I don’t suppose you happen to have his phone number or-

MONKEY CHARLIZE THERON

He murdered your dad and tore out your eye and now he wants to tear out the other one.

ART PARKINSON

Ulp! Okay then, I think that pretty firmly takes away any moral gray areas this movie might have ever had. Why the fuck? For all of what you just said?

MONKEY CHARLIZE THERON

See the Moon King can only be killed using a particular sword, helmet and suit of armor, which have been scattered around the world. People have attempted to find all the pieces and assemble them so they can take on the main villain-

ART PARKINSON

What, like a fucking Zelda game?

MONKEY CHARLIZE THERON

Yes, pretty much exactly like a fucking Zelda game. The Moon King sent his third daughter to kill one of these potential assassins, but when she found him he just said “You are my mission” and she instantly fell in love with him and they ran off and got married.

ART PARKINSON

Four words and she ditched her father in favor of the total stranger who was planning on MURDERING her father? What a stupid, feckless, disloyal cow of a-

MONKEY CHARLIZE THERON

That was your mom, dude! The Moon King is your grampa and those psycho mask twins are your aunts and they killed your dad and ripped out your eye and you’ve been hiding from them ever since!

ART PARKINSON

Holy fuck! This is like a whole season of The Young and the Restless all at once. Why the hell did my grandfather from the moon rip out my eye?

MONKEY CHARLIZE THERON

He wants to take your eyes so you’ll be cold and heartless and evil like him. Without sight it’s impossible to have empathy for other human beings, you see.

ART PARKINSON

Uh.

(glances nervously into audience)

MONKEY CHARLIZE THERON

Don’t worry, blind people don’t come to see movies!

ART PARKINSON

Even still-

MONKEY CHARLIZE THERON

I mean, you have to have a soul to enjoy a movie.

ART PARKINSON

OKAY, LET’S GET ZELDAING. How do we find these magic plot coupons?

MONKEY CHARLIZE THERON

Oh that’s simple, one of your origami figurines has spontaneously become sentient and is pointing the way like a little paper GPS.

ART PARKINSON

Geez this movie is filled with a whole lot of arbitrary nonsense.

ART and MONKEY CHARLIZE set out on the path indicated by their INEXPLICABLY HAUNTED PIECE OF PAPER. Along the way they stumble across a HALF-HUMAN/HALF-BEETLE MONSTROSITY called MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

I was cursed into this form roughly about the time your dad supposedly got killed. I have no recollection of who I was before then, but my exoskeleton closely resembles your father’s armor, and I happen to have a giant banner emblazoned with your father’s symbol. Which is a beetle. I wonder what the reveal about MY identity is gonna be????? Anyway, can I come on your mission?

MONKEY CHARLIZE THERON

You’re weird and I don’t like you. Give me one good reason I should let you tag along.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Because if your entire troupe consists of an entertainer, a monkey, and a living figurine, suddenly you’re a remake of Oz the Great and Powerful.

MONKEY CHARLIZE THERON

OH FUCK YOU’RE RIGHT PLEASE JOIN US QUICKLY QUICKLY.

INT. CAVE

Our CRAZILY ECLECTIC BAND OF ADVENTURERS arrive at their first DESTINATION, inside a CAVE where they must pull a MAGIC SWORD out of the SKULL of a GINORMOUS SKELETON.

ART PARKINSON

What the hell? What is that a skeleton of? Did somebody slay a giant? Did they slay a giant, boil the flesh off its bones, haul the top half of its body into a cave, ram a bunch of swords into its skull, and enchant it to attack people? Who the fuck would do all that just to hide a sword?!

MONKEY CHARLIZE THERON

We’re trying to be Miyazaki, remember? Supernatural crap doesn’t need to be explained or make any kind of sense.

They start fighting the SKELETON MONSTER.

ART PARKINSON

So how do we even know which of the thirty-odd swords jammed in the skull is the Sword Unbreakable?

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Simple, we just keep whacking each sword against the skeleton until we find one that doesn’t shatter.

ART PARKINSON

...Swords shatter now?

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

(shrugs)

I guess the Sword Unbreakable got its name due to the fact that every other sword in this mythical world is the Sword Really, Really Breakable.

ART PARKINSON

How the fuck did they get stabbed into two feet of bone in the first place, then?

Eventually they pull out the CORRECT SWORD, at which point the SKELETON instantly disintegrates.

ART PARKINSON

Oh, well if we knew THAT was gonna happen we could have just pulled all the swords out and not wasted time shattering the fakes.

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Told you we should have read the walkthrough for this boss.

EXT. OCEAN

Their next MACGUFFIN finds them taking a SHIP out to the middle of a LAKE.

MONKEY CHARLIZE THERON

Apparently the magic armor is in this lake. Swim down and get it, but beware the giant eyeballs which will try to hypnotize and eat you.

ART PARKINSON

But if they’re just a bunch of gigantic eyes, by your logic they won’t kill me because they’ll be REALLY, REEAALLLY EMPATHETIC.

MONKEY CHARLIZE THERON

Don’t get cute. Anyway, down you go.

ART PARKINSON

Hang on, what am I going to do about oxygen?

MONKEY CHARLIZE THERON

Ok see john? Whuh?

ART PARKINSON

Oxygen. It’s a gas. If you don’t breathe it you die. Also, how do you expect my scrawny ass to swim back to the surface carrying a big breastplate made of solid gold?

MONKEY CHARLIZE THERON

I’m sure you’ll figure all of that out as you go. I believe in you!

(shoves him into lake)

ART swims down towards the ARMOR, never having to worry about AIR because apparently he’s equipped the ZORA TUNIC. But then the MAGIC EYEBALLS start to HYPNOTIZE HIM and MATTHEW has to dive down after him. Then ROONEY shows up on the SHIP and attacks MONKEY CHARLIZE!

ROONEY MARA

As you can see, I was able to just appear at your location despite the fact that you’re in the middle of a giant fucking lake. There is no justification for how Art was able to get away from us before. Let’s fight, Monkey Charlize!

MONKEY CHARLIZE THERON

Er, you sure you don’t want to change clothes first? Maybe get rid of the heavy flappy cloak, the hat with the four-foot-wide brim, and the mask with teensy visibility-obscuring slits for eyes before you try and engage in deadly martial arts?

STOP-MOTION ANIMATOR

Naw, the mask is fine. You rock that rigid expressionless face with lips that don’t move, Rooney!

(takes five-hour nap)

MONKEY CHARLIZE fights ROONEY and KILLS HER. Then ART and MATTHEW come back up with the ARMOR.

ART PARKINSON

Gasp! While I was down there, the giant hypnotic underwater eyeballs made me realize that the magic monkey was actually my dead mother! ...And saying that out loud just now made me realize that this movie’s screenwriters were on soooo much peyote.

MONKEY CHARLIZE THERON

It’s true, I am your mother. Before I died I used the last of my magic to grant myself a temporary loaner body to use until I double die for realsies.

ART PARKINSON

Okay, is there any reason that your new form couldn’t have been, say, a human being?

MONKEY CHARLIZE THERON

No, but what obsessive love letter to Japanese culture would be complete without a bit of monkey magic?

(does maniacal jumping-jack)

BORN FROM AN EGG ON A MOUN-TAIN-TOP...

ART PARKINSON

Fine, whatever. Let’s just go and get the magic helmet and complete this little scavenger hunt. I was told its location in a dream, by a little old man called Ralph Fiennes. He was the color of the moon and was blind and okay seriously, are we gonna have ANY character identity reveals that aren’t telegraphed a million miles off?

MONKEY CHARLIZE THERON

Sure, I’m guessing that dream is accurate. And the fact that our origami GPS is presumably pointing frantically in the exact opposite direction is no cause for concern.

EXT. TEMPLE

They show up at the LOCATION from the DREAM only to find NO HELMET JUST AN AMBUSH BY TWONEY, BIG SURPRISE.

TWONEY MARA

That’s right, we tricked you into coming to this location! Which, given our proven track record of finding and attacking you no matter where you go, was not the least bit necessary. Oh, and now I should reveal that Matthew is Art’s dad.

ART PARKINSON

Oh my God! So both my parents are here with me? For the first time in my life I can know what it’s like to-

MONKEY CHARLIZE THERON

(killed)

ART PARKINSON

Dagnammit. Oh well, she was gonna croak soon anyway, at least now I’ve been united with the father I never-

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

(killed)

ART PARKINSON

OH FUCK OFF! Fine, Twoney, taste the wrath of my magic guitar! Oh, and audience? In the next scene I’m supposed to make a big show of how I’m too good a person to resort to killing my opponent in battle, so when that happens, could you please forget about the following.

He KILLS THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF TWONEY.

TWONEY MARA

Urk! Man, we on Team Bad Guy should really have reconsidered the whole “only one of us attacks at a time” strategy.

(dies)

ART PARKINSON

And now I can use clues in my environment to divine the location of the magic helmet. You know, if Ralph wanted to trick me into not finding the magic helmet, he should probably have diverted me to a place that didn’t have A GIANT MURAL OF THE LOCATION OF THE MAGIC HELMET.

He examines the MURAL.

ART PARKINSON

So what do I have to face this time? The sword was jammed in the skull of a giant skeleton, the armor was at the bottom of a lake surrounded by killer eyeballs, so what challenge-

(figures out location)

It’s dangling from a rope in the middle of my home town.

(pause)

...Just... ugh, fuck it. I’ll just fire up my magic wings and fly back to-

(slaps forehead)

MAGIC WINGS! WHY THE HELL WASN’T I USING THESE THE WHOLE TIME?! I COULD HAVE DONE THE WHOLE SCAVENGER HUNT IN AN HOUR! GODDAMNIT!!

EXT. LITTLE JAPANESE VILLAGE

ART shows up and puts on all the pieces of the MACGUFFIN ARMOR. Then RALPH ARRIVES!

RALPH FIENNES

Now Art, I know I had your entire family murdered, but I can still talk you into letting me tear your eye out and make you blind and evil, right?

ART PARKINSON

God no. Why would you even attempt this conversation?

RALPH FIENNES

I dunno. I guess I’ll just turn into a fish-dragon and try to kill you, attacking with flawless visual targeting despite the fact that I supposedly have no eyes.

ART PARKINSON

(raises sword)

And I will use this invincible armor to-

(lowers sword)

No. Screw the armor! I will instead use my magic guitar, which I will make more powerful by stringing it with the string from my dad’s bow, and hairs from my mom and me.

(glares)

YES a single human hair can be used as a guitar string, FUCK YOU.

RALPH FIENNES

Ah, resorting to your hippy-dippy family magic to defend yourself, not the sword? I see you’re out to prove that love is the most powerful force of all and all that saccharine bullshit.

ART PARKINSON

Yes, that! Plus I realized that I had NO IDEA how to swordfight.

(laughs)

I mean I haven’t picked up a sword once in my life! Did my mom really think that just having an unbreakable sword would be enough for me to kill a god? That was a TERRIBLE plan.

ART strums his SHAMISEN and RALPH explodes into a CONFUSED OLD MAN.

RALPH FIENNES

Wh-what’s going on? I appear to be a feeble human with no memories.

ART PARKINSON

Oh, uh, you’re the nicest guy in town, so just go and be a huge doormat to everybody because that’s who you are.

(smiles)

See, I didn’t resort to something as evil as murder, I just performed some good old-fashioned memory-erasing and brainwashing. I’m such a hero!

Then ART lives HAPPILY EVERY AFTER as an ORPHAN who LIVES ALONE in a CAVE.

END.