"Are... are these dragon-sperm?"


"Are... are these dragon-sperm?"

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON: THE HIDDEN WORLD

The Abridged Script

EXT. HILLSIDE – THE PAST

YOUNG CGI JAY BARUCHEL looks out over the OCEAN, while his father, CGI GERARD BUTLER, pontificates.

CGI GERARD BUTLER

Son, someday you will be a great chieftain, like me. Everything the light touches will-

YOUNG CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Dad, you’re pulling a Mufasa again.

CGI GERARD BUTLER

Balls. It’s hard to avoid, alright? Anyway, Jay, somewhere out beyond the sea, there is a HIDDEN WORLD where dragons live. It is my desire to find it and close the entrance between our two realms. For then, dragons and humans may live in peace.

YOUNG CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Really? I’m pretty sure you’re hardcore genocidal for dragons. That’s, like, your defining character trait. All this “separate but equal” nonsense is news to me. I mean, they killed my mom.

CGI GERARD BUTLER

(coughs, pulls collar)

Yup. They sure did that thing. Gosh, can you imagine how fucked up it would be if my wife just pissed off to feed rescue pets instead of raising her child?

YOUNG CGI JAY BARUCHEL

(resting sleepily upon his father’s shoulder)

I think that’s something I could never be expected to forgive. Luckily, she’s dead. Dead, dead, dead.

CGI GERARD BUTLER

Yes. But perhaps she’s looking down on you, boy. Like the great kings of the past, who look down on us from the stars, and-

YOUNG CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Mufasa, dad.

CGI GERARD BUTLER

Fuck.

EXT. DRAGON-CAPTURING SHIP

In the darkness of night, a lone SHIP sails through the briny sea, its horde of CAGED DRAGONS sleeping on the upper deck.

VIKING DRAGON HUNTER

That’s right, laddies. Keep snoozin’. Please try not to remember ya fuckin’ breath fire and we’re on a wooden boat.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Hey.

VIKING DRAGON HUNTER

GAH! It’s the goose-voiced twink come to murder me!

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

What? No! Shh, no, please, basically no one dies in these movies. Even my fire sword functions more like a police baton. See?

JAY turns his FIRE-SABER on and instantly lights the ENTIRE SHIP ABLAZE.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Shit, how am I still bad at things?

CGI JONAH HILL/CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE/KRISTEN WIIG

Probably because you keep hanging out with us, your hangers-on friends from grade school with identical, committee-designed “sassy” personalities straight out of 90’s cereal commercials.

CGI T.J. MILLER

I am also here-

MILLER is eaten by a DRAGON because he’s a FUCKING PSYCHOPATH. His role will henceforth be filled by ACCLAIMED CHILDREN’S ENTERTAINER FRED ROGERS.

FRED ROGERS

Hello, neighbors. My my, seems a bit toasty up here. Now might be a good time for us all to learn a bit about fire safety. You see-

CGI AMERICA FARRERA

No time! As the token Competent Female, it is my duty to roll my creepy-huge Elsa eyes at all of your dumb shenanigans while I save your asses, which I shall now do.

AMERICA saves the GANG and the GANG saves the DRAGONS.

EXT. ISLE OF BERK

The GANG returns with their new DRAGONS to BERK, which is now absolutely TEEMING TO THE GILLS with DEATH LIZARDS.

CGI CRAIG FERGUSON

Bloody hell, Jay. MORE dragons?! We literally haven’t the room to build any more stilt-pagodas for these fuckers! I dinnae even KNOW where we’re getting the thousands of tons of meat these sky-dinosaurs gorge on every day!

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Yeah, okay, I guess I’ve gone a little overboard with the whole “dragons are our friends” schtick. I guess I need a new hobby.

CGI CRAIG FERGUSON

You could try pumpin’ out heirs. Come on, laddie. Go on and invade America’s southern border, if you catch my meanin’.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Whaaaat? No. Oh no. Sure, we’ve TALKED about it. And we WANT to do it. And we’re obviously GOING to do it, but we’re just not ready for marriage yet.

CGI CRAIG FERGUSON

The reason bein’?

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

It’s far too early in the movie, mainly. Get off my back, Craig. It’s weird how eager you are to get me laid.

CGI CRAIG FERGUSON

Speakin’ of, why’s your dragon humpin’ his way up that pine tree?

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

(squirting him with spray bottle)

No! Bad Night Fury!

But TOOTHLESS flies away! JAY gives chase, and discovers him in a clearing, awkwardly courting a MYSTERIOUS WHITE DRAGON. A WHITE NIGHT FURY if you will.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Surprised inhalation! Could that be the EVE to my dragon’s WALL-E?

The WHITE NIGHT FURY spots JAY and shoots a huge ball of FLAME at him.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Yep, we’re WALL-Eing now.

WHITER SHADE OF TAIL leaps into the sky and turns INVISIBLE, leaving TOOTHLESS angrily BLACK-AND-BLUE BALLED.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Hey, bud. I’m sorry I interrupted your speed date with the only other surviving member of your species. But you still got me, bro. Best friends for life, am I right?

He offers a FIST to BUMP. TOOTHLESS flies away in a HUFF, presumably to go WHACK his SPINY DRAGON DONG to some SUGGESTIVELY SHAPED CLOUDS.

INT. VIKING LONG HALL

JAY and the VIKINGS and ALL THE DRAGONS IN THE UNIVERSE meet in the CITY CENTER to discuss their OVERPOPULATION ISSUE.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Folks! Quiet down! I know you’re all worried about how we have more dragons than squirrels on this tiny island and all the dragon-stealers in the world are raiding us. As chief of this clan, it is my duty to set our course through these troubled times. And that course will rely entirely on a fairy tale my father told me like twice. We’re going to find the SECRET GARDEN, sorry, HIDDEN WORLD, and live there with our dragon buddies.

VIKING

What’s the place like? Does it have food?

OTHER VIKING

Why do I want to live with dragons anyway? Saving endangered tigers is one thing, doesn’t mean I’d want to live in a tiger enclosure.

ANOTHER OTHER VIKING

Does this place exist? I feel like no one’s hammering that question enough.

CGI KIT HARRINGTON

Jay, as a former dragon hunter I should tell you, I think it’s ludicrous that there’s a dragon utopia out there that thousands of dragon hunters haven’t found. And as a soon-to-be out of work TV actor, I’m doubly sure I don’t want to prematurely end my only other big franchise. Let’s leave off the inevitable Lassie-style goodbye for another few movies, huh? Even SHREK’S coming back, for fuck’s sake.

CGI CATE BLANCHETT

I also have to agree, son. I’m the world’s leading dragonologist, and I have no idea what your dad was ranting about. I mean, you found ME living in a subterranean dragon farm. Was THAT the CHAMBER OF SECRETS, sorry, HIDDEN WORLD? Are there TWO of those for some reason?

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Okay, for real, you are all being VERY un-viking right now, demanding logical courses of action and stuff. I’m anticipating dragon-hunters any day now, so I’m going to do the smart thing and hide in my house.

JAY goes home. Later that night, he discovers a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE, who looks like either DIRECTOR JIM JARMUSCH, STING from DUNE, or a SANER and GOTH GARY BUSEY depending on your AGE and PRETENSION LEVEL, has somehow infiltrated his ABODE.

CGI F. MURRAY ABRAHAM

Greetings, Jay. I am the world’s greatest dragon hunter. You see-

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Wait, better than my father? And Djimon Hounsou from the last movie? Both of them seemed pretty “best” at times.

CGI F. MURRAY ABRAHAM

Nope, I’m even best-er than they. So best you’ve never even heard of me. The best. Believe me.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Alright, well, sneaking into my cabin was pretty cool but your accent’s kind of weak, so I’m on the fence about having you as my third act nemesis. Are your motivations solid?

CGI F. MURRAY ABRAHAM

Oh, most definitely. For you see, I am the one who killed all the other Night Furies! I believe that humans are superior to dragons, and I will see to it that they eliminate the scaly scourge and rule over this world as gods intended!

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Human supremacy? That’s weak shit. At least Djimon wanted to own his own hypnosis Tarrasque. That was metal, and it ended up killing my dad. Solid B plus as far as villains go.

CGI F. MURRAY ABRAHAM

What if I told you I could CONTROL DRAGONS!

Two SCORPION KINGS lurch into the room!

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

(yawns)

Yeah, Djimon could do that too. How about this? Me and my hangers-on will kick your ass for a bit and then you can fly home and work on some better material, ‘kay?

The DRAGON GANG attacks! F. MURRAY retreats!

FRED ROGERS

I think you did an excellent thing there, Jay. Standing up to bullies is always tough, and I’m proud that you didn’t resort to excessive violence and just let him go on home.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Yeah, uh, "let" him. Well, now that we know who’s been plotting dragon-apartheid against us, I think the next logical thing is to flee our homes and everything we hold dear on the vague promise of a mystical paradise we probably can’t live in. Who wants to fly into the open ocean with me!

CGI JONAH HILL/CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE/KRISTEN WIIG

We’re inexplicably with you, Jay!

They pack up LITERALLY THE WHOLE VILLAGE and LEAVE.

EXT. THE ISLAND OF NEW BERK

MIRACULOUSLY, the VIKINGS manage to land on ANOTHER HABITABLE LANDMASS in the OPEN OCEAN that can support a HUGE COLONY of HUMANS and CARNIVOROUS MEGAFAUNA.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Alright, folks. This is our new totally-temporary base! I know it was hard abandoning the home we’ve inhabited for generations because the frontman from Jane’s Addiction burnt my roof, but I’m proud of you all for settling in. Remember, Berk isn’t a place, it’s a people. Wherever we are… that’s home.

CGI CRAIG FERGUSON

I seem to recall Thor sayin’ the exact same line in Ragnarok, and that dinnae work out so good for the Asgardians if I recall.

CGI JAY FERGUSON

Fuck, you’re right. Let’s focus on getting to that REPTILE ROOM, sorry, HIDDEN WORLD.

JAY spends the day SEARCHING then goes to SLEEP. That night, TOOTHLESS sneaks out and discovers WHITE MAMBA has STEALTHED her way into the camp!

TOOTHLESS

(instantly begins slobbering over her like a Labrador near a steak)

LIGHT FURY

(instantly gets really freaked the hell out and runs away)

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

(yawning)

Hey, bud. I couldn’t sleep over the sound of your throbbing dracorection, so let’s go get you some tail.

The pair find WHITE POWER (note to editor: please change later, thanks) on a nearby BEACH. JAY hides behind some TREES so he can CYRANO DE BERGERAC for TOOTHLESS. Yeah, pick up THAT reference, why don’tcha?!

TOOTHLESS

(seductively swings his gonads about)

LIGHT FURY

(seductively backs the fuck up, horrified)

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

(whispering)

Ease it up, there, big guy. I know that’s how my parents met, but mom and dad didn’t turn out so good as a couple.

TOOTHLESS

(tries seductive Fortnite dancing)

LIGHT FURY

(expels several ova in repulsion)

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Dang, I was sure that would work. Try showing her your sensitive side, maybe? Dragons like that, I assume.

TOOTHLESS

(draws a kind of shitty facsimile of her face in the sand)

LIGHT FURY

(swoons)

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Yay! I don’t know where that artistic prowess came from or why she’s into it, but I’ve learned from America that you don’t look a gift horse that’s way out of your league in the creepy-huge eyeballs!

But WHITE CHRISTMAS hears the SQUAWKING that JAY does instead of WORDS and FLIES AWAY AGAIN.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Shiiit. I’m sorry, bro. I am the worst wingman ever. Wait, wingman! I’ve got it.

He spends ten minutes FIXING TOOTHLESS’S BROKEN WING.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Okay, you can fly on your own now. I’m sure the reason we never did this before is explained in the TV show somewhere.

TOOTHLESS gives JAY a thank you LICK and disappears in a puff of EXTREMELY HORNY DUST.

INT. DARK SOULS BOSS BATTLE TOWER

F. MURRAY broods in his CHAMBER, trying to think up better MOTIVATIONS.

CGI F. MURRAY ABRAHAM

(pulling hair and scribbling on notepad)

Maybe I secretly LOVE dragons! No, that’s dumb. Uhhh. Maybe my wife was KILLED by a- WAIT. My wife WAS a dragon! I’M secretly a dragon! Yeah! That’s new! Wait, NO! Ugh, this is hard.

CGI JONAH HILL/CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE/KRISTEN WIIG

(bursting in)

Sorry to crash your pity party, bro! But we found you somehow! Now prepare yourself for both our weapons, and painfully lazy Sonic the Hedgehog-style ‘tude!

CGI F. MURRAY ABRAHAM

Luckily, I predicted this. Predicting things is really my only superpower.

F. MURRAY traps the GANG in his TOWER.

CGI JONAH HILL/CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE/KRISTEN WIIG

Oh no! We’re trapped! Save us, Competent Female!

CGI CATE BLANCHETT

America rolled her eyes so hard she got a sprain, so I’m here instead. I feel like I still owe something to this village after 15 years breastfeeding the monsters that were killing everyone.

CATE saves the CREW and they ESCAPE. Except they all forget KRISTEN!

CGI KRISTEN WIIG

‘Sup, bro. Mind if I chillax? This tower is hella lit, I’m getting uber dank vibes from this crib. Can I vape in here? I summon epic cloudage but it’s gluten free so mom doesn’t care.

CGI F. MURRAY ABRAHAM

I don’t know if I’ve wanted to strangle a CGI character so hard since Jar Jar Binks. Please stop this pathetic Gen Z pandering. Please. You’re my prisoner. I’ll strangle you. Please.

CGI KRISTEN WIIG

(floss dancing)

I used to play Dota but it sucks since they nerfed Drow Ranger so I switched to League. Not Rocket League, even though I OWN at that but I had to quit because I lost my Steam key when my brother-

CGI F. MURRAY ABRAHAM

OKAY. FUCK. I GET IT. YOU’RE ANNOYING. CONGRATULATIONS, WRITERS, YOU MADE THE JOKE WORK TOO WELL. LEAVE MY TOWER AND TAKE YOUR SCHTICK WITH YOU.

CGI KRISTEN WIIG

Okay. I’m going back to our new island. Later days.

KRISTEN departs while F. MURRAY weighs the pros and cons of TAILING HER or PUTTING AS MUCH OCEAN BETWEEN HER AND HIM AS POSSIBLE.

EXT. OCEAN

JAY and AMERICA fly on AMERICA’s DRAGON to go look for TOOTHLESS.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Thanks for helping me find my pet, America. You’d think I’d have my DRAGON better TRAINED by the third film. How are we tracking him, anyway? Can your dragon, like, smell across oceans?

CGI AMERICA FARRERA

My token Female Competence is pulling me this way.

JAY and AMERICA find a huge WATERFALL and fly down it and into a CAVE. They travel through the AVATAR RIDE at DISNEYLAND complete with BLACKLIGHT LASER SHOW and pop out inside the SECRET OF NIMH, sorry, FINAL FRONTIER, sorry, DWARF FORTRESS, sorry, HIDDEN WORLD!

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

So. Many. Dragons. We sure are lucky my boy leveled-up to alpha in the last movie. These things would kill the shit out of us.

CGI AMERICA FARRERA

Hey, isn’t that him right there?

The pair see TOOTHLESS and his NEW WHITE QUEEN giving a HITLER SPEECH to the horde of DEMON BEASTS.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Aww, he looks so happy. Maybe it’s time for me to let him live his best life, without his nosy dad getting-

CGI AMERICA FARRERA

Jay, that un-lubed windshield wiper you have instead of vocal chords is attracting dragons.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

It’s okay. Toothless is the alpha, he can make them give us footrubs if he wants-

The DRAGONS try to KILL THEM. TOOTHLESS swoops in and saves them, presumably by THWACKING the other lizards with his UNSATISFIED STIFFY.

EXT. NEW BERK

JAYMERICA and TOOTHLESS THE THRICE COCKBLOCKED return to their BASE CAMP.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Well that was both gorgeous and mostly pointless. I’m sorry I keep threatening your ability to ever procreate, buddy. I guess I wasn’t expecting this movie to turn into Rio.

CGI KRISTEN WIIG

Trouble getting your dragon to pork, Jay?

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

A bit. Wait, how are you here?

CGI KRISTEN WIIG

I annoyed the bad guy so much he let me go. There’s about a 30% chance I did the same thing to the audience.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

You were FOLLOWED, you moron!

CGI AMERICA FARRERA

Jesus Thor Christ, Kristen! You might have literally killed the island!

FRED ROGERS

I hope you learn from this mistake, young lady. I can’t pretend I’m not disappointed in you.

CGI KRISTEN WIIG

Okay that last one hurt way more than I thought.

CGI F. MURRAY ABRAHAM

(flying on a Nazgul-powered quadcopter)

Sorry to crash the party, dweebs. I’ve decided my motivation is world domination now. So I’m capturing your dragons instead of killing them.

He NETS both the FURIES!

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

No! The other dragons won’t attack while the alpha is incapacitated! There’s only one thing to do! Jump on that quadcopter and just figure shit out from there, I guess!

JAY leaps onboard and begins FLAILING in the GENERAL DIRECTION of his DRAGONS! MURRAY kicks his ASS, but then some CONTRIVED BULLSHIT HAPPENS and they’re FALLING and only BLUE EYES WHITE DRAGON is free!

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

It’s okay, girl. Go rescue Toothless. There’s only time to save one of us.

CGI F. MURRAY ABRAHAM

Oh, you asshole. I needed this franchise! Come on, let me survive, let’s do a fourquel. EVERY Dreamworks animated series outstays its welcome! And work’s been kind of spotty for me since, ahem, Amadeus.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Sorry, bro. That’s a wrap for both of us.

But then WHITE CHOCOLATE flies back over and saves JAY!

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Yay! I guess there WAS time or something!

CGI F. MURRAY ABRAHAM

(falls to death)

Pricks.

EXT. NEW BERK

Having defeated MURRAY, JAY and the BERKIANS come to a sad REALIZATION about their DRAGONS that you all knew was coming when you heard this was the TRILOGY CLOSER so get your KLEENEX’S READY.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Hey, Toothless. We’ve had some good times together. Really solid trilogy, actually. Dreamworks solid. Not as good as Golden Age Pixar, but then again, nothing is.

(squawking emotionally)

Humans and dragons will never have peace while we share this world. So its time for you guys to go. I mean, I don’t know, humans seem like the assholes in this equation, it’s kind of weird we’re making YOU piss off over the sea, but let’s not quibble on that now.

(teary)

I’ll miss you, buddy. Until the inevitably reunion, at least. Unless you want to stay with me? I know you couldn’t bone your girlfriend all the time but-

TOOTHLESS vanishes in a puff of EXCITED HORMONES and the rest of the DRAGONs go with him.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Welp, I think that’s our cue to get married.

CGI AMERICA FARRERA

Really? What changed?

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

You believed in me or something? I don’t know. Maybe I’ve just spent the past two hours watching my dragon hit puberty and it’s rubbed off on me.

MR. ROGERS officiates their WEDDING.

EXT. BUT WAIT – THERE’S MORE!

A few years later, JAY, AMERICA, and their two little AMERICAN COLONIES are taking a boat ride over to the ends of the earth.

DAUGHTER

Mommy, why has father taken us on this weeks-long sea trip while muttering about fictional lizard beasts the whole time?

CGI AMERICA FARRERA

It’s a surprise, sweetheart.

SON

And why is dad like thirty with a manly beard and still sound like hamster that’s getting stepped on?

CGI AMERICA FARRERA

Genetics are a bitch, dear.

They arrive at the WATERFALL. TOOTHLESS, NIGHTS IN WHITE DRAGON, and their COCOA-VANILLA SWIRL BABIES wait for them!

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Yay! I didn’t have to say goodbye after all! Remember kids, bidding farewell when Mr. Scruffy needs to get put down is character-building, but holding out hope for a late-age reunion is way more fun!

JAY and his FAMILY go for a SKY-RIDE while his CHILDREN shriek in TERROR!

END.

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