FADE IN:

EXT. VIKING TOWN

We open our RIP-ROARING FAMILY FRIENDLY ADVENTURE on some DRAGON-RIDERS playing SHEEP QUIDDITCH.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL V.O.

Welcome to Berk, a magical town populated by vikings with inexplicably Scottish accents. Except for me. I'm post-pubescent now but I still sound like a young Steven Buscemi giving oral to a buzzsaw. Seriously, let's just get the voice jokes out of the way now.

(takes deep breath)

I talk out of my nose so much I probably don't even need my mouth. My voice is so fried you could cook a chicken on my vocal chords. My trachea's the size of a bendy straw. I make Helen Keller cover her ears. Anyway, this permanent head cold going on in my nasal passages makes me the perfect choice to do the voice over for this movie, so start adjusting your ears now, everybody. Also, enjoy the sheep-ball.

But JAY is not at the festivities. He is far above the clouds, doing that MEDIEVAL SQUIRREL SUIT FLYING from the TRAILER. He lands and removes his HELMET, revealing he's all SEXY now.

WOMEN ON TUMBLR

Unf...

CGI AMERICA FERRERA

Back off, bitches. This whispy slice of man meat with the weed-whacker in his throat is alllll mine.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

So, America, much like Po from Kung Fu Panda and Jack from Rise of the Guardians and probably Shrek at some point, who knows, I've come down with a bad case of Dreamworks' patented "I'm struggling under the weight of new responsibilities" plot syndrome. My dad wants me to become the new Dragon Warrior Guardian chief of our tribe but I really don't want to because I guess that means I won't get to fuck off and fly around as much. Also I never knew my mother. Hint hint.

CGI AMERICA FERRERA

Oh Jay, I'm sure you'll figure it out at some point. I'll help you! Mostly by standing behind you while you do important things and shouting encouragements. You're the best! You're doing great! I love you, etc!

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Wait. Look. Smoke, off in the distance. We should investigate.

CGI AMERICA JERRERA

Sure thing. In a world densely populated by deadly firebreathing sky lizards, nothing could be smarter than to investigate a massive fire by ourselves.

They fly to the source of the FIRE and find DRAGON TRAPPERS led by KIT HARINGTON! They are captured!

CGI KIT HARINGTON

Ha! Easy peasy! Now I can bring these dragons back to my big evil boss, Drago.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

You can't take Toothless! He can't fly on his own! Except for earlier during the wingsuit sequence when he totally did.

CGI KIT HARINGTON

Too bad, so sad. I'm going to train him up and win all the gym badges!

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Not so fast! Toothless, use ember!

TOOTHLESS uses EMBER. IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE! JAY and AMERICA escape on their DRAGONS.

CGI KIT HARINGTON

Damn! A dragon using a fire-based attack! How could the world's greatest dragon trapper possibly have seen THAT coming?!

INT. JAY'S HOUSE

JAY flies back to warn his FATHER, GERARD BUTLER, about the DRAGON TRAPPERS. Also, CRAIG FERGUSON is there as well, being all COMIC-RELIEFY and SHIT.

CGI GERARD BUTLER

Son! You're home! Finally, we can begin the preparations to make you chief.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Yes, except no, I have something very important to-

CGI GERARD BUTLER

Soon you'll be in charge of all these vikings so it's very important that you listen to what I have to say.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Speaking of listening, dad, I really need to-

CGI GERARD BUTLER

A good chieftain always listens. Always. Never puts his own selfish distractions above the common good.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Which is why it would be great if you would let me explain about this dire threat to our society that I've just-

CGI GERARD BUTLER

Unlike all that selfish flying you do all the time. Just floating about, making maps and imitating GoPro wingsuit videos. A responsible chief deals with real issues, like what I've always done.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Seriously, I thought we spent the whole last movie bonding and learning respect for each other, doesn't that mean you should offer me a little bit more of your atten-

CGI GERARD BUTLER

Now Craig over there is a model viking. Let me tell you about Craig-

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Drago.

CGI GERARD BUTLER

WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU MENTION DRAGO WAS COMING TO STEAL OUR DRAGONS!?!

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

(sighing)

Who's Drago?

CGI GERARD BUTLER

Long ago, in a blurry flashback, all the viking chieftains gathered together to discuss how to deal with the dragon threat. Drago said he would eliminate all dragons if we'd only bow down to him. We laughed in his face. Then he summoned a dragon that he could totally control and killed all the chieftains except me.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

So this guy said he could eliminate all dragons, which is exactly what you wanted, but you decided not to even hear him out, and then he killed all your friends. With a dragon.

CGI GERARD BUTLER

Yeah.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

It seems like you all acted incredibly unreasonably and out of character. I've known about this Drago guy for all of forty-five minutes and he's already behaving inconsistently. And you spent the whole last movie being a genocidal dick about dragons. It seems like you two should have gotten along fine.

CGI GERARD BUTLER

Yeah but he wanted to rule over us!

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

And at the same time keep you all safe from your primary threat. I thought chieftains were supposed to put the greater good ahead of everything else.

CGI GERARD BUTLER

We do. Except for all the times we don't. But anyway, I love dragons now, which means Drago's anti-dragon attitude is suddenly villainous to me! We must fortify the village, then go to war and stop him!

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

No! I can reason with him! We should solve this with diplomacy!

CGI GERARD BUTLER

This guy slaughtered a dozen potential allies because they hurt his feelings. That's a really bad idea.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

And now I'm off to do an even worse one. Come on, America!

CGI AMERICA FERRERA

You go, Jay!

EXT. DRAGON TRAPPERS' SHIP

JAY and AMERICA fly back to KIT and land on his BOAT.

CGI KIT HARINGTON

Back for more, eh? Well this time we're ready for a fight!

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Not quite. We're here to surrender. Take us to Drago so we can speak to him.

CGI KIT HARINGTON

That's a fantastically stupid plan. Even your hanger-on girlfriend right there seems to be begging you to reconsider.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Take us there or we'll burn your wooden boat.

CGI KIT HARINGTON

Damn! How could the world's greatest dragon trapper possibly have foreseen that keeping dragons on a boat was a stupid idea?!

But JAY is "saved" by his friends CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE, T.J. MILLER, KIRSTEN WIIG, and JONAH HILL.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Dammit, guys! As much as I appreciate having some characters around with voices almost as annoying as mine, this really isn't helpful in the slightest. You're fucking up my stupidly fragile plan.

CGI JONAH HILL

Yeah, we really just needed to shoehorn in this awkward little subplot about how Kristen is in love with Kit.

CGI KIT HARINGTON

Oh no. I already had a reluctant relationship with a crazy viking girlfriend, once is enough thank you very much.

CGI KRISTEN WIIG

(eye-fucking him)

You know nothing, Kit Harington.

JAY flies off in a huff.

EXT. SKY

JAY is suddenly accosted by a MASK-WEARING DRAGON RIDER.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Okay, this could be tricky. But I'm sure a world-class, dragon-taming viking badass such as myself can defeat-

JAY is CAPTURED in 0.06 SECONDS and brought back to a big dragon-filled CAVE.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Okay, whoever you are. I should warn you, I've actually become pretty awesome since the last movie. Stay back or else I'll hit you with my steampunky fire sword, or my explodey green gas that only covers people with ash a la Wile E. Coyote and does no real damage.

CGI CATE BLANCHETT

Is that any way to treat your mother?

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Holy shit! Mom?! How!? Why!? Who, and so forth! Also, why do both my parents exhibit strong Scottish accents while I still sound like a Christmas elf with a smoking habit?

CGI CATE BLANCHETT

All these years I've been away, I never thought I'd see you again. Even though you were apparently close enough to me that I could randomly bump into you one day in the vastness of the open sky at the exact time a dangerous madman is threatening both of our communities. That is one hell of a coincidence, even by children's movie standards.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

So what have you been up to, apart from cosplaying Legend of Zelda villains?

CGI CATE BLANCHETT

Well, way back when you were a baby, our town was constantly being ravaged by fire breathing dragons. I believed that these dragons were actually wonderful, intelligent creatures, but your father was always too headstrong to see past all the people they were presumably killing and houses they were burning down. So one day during a particularly murderous dragon attack, I saw one dragon burst into our home, sneak up to infant you, and not devour you. This was all the convincing I needed to abandon my family forever and go live with dragons.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

That is completely insane.

CGI CATE BLANCHETT

It really is. But look at all the wonderful things I've discovered about dragons! For instance, if I massage your dragon in just the right way he'll sprout back spikes that will allow him to make sharper turns!

TOOTHLESS gains +2 AGILITY!

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Wow. All your expertise on dragons could have been really, fantastically useful in the last movie. Seriously, maybe if you hadn't fucked off to go play Jane Goodall with these murderous sky monsters you could have helped us achieve peace with dragons years ago and I'd still have my foot. Anyway, I don't know jack shit about you but we're related so I guess that means we instantly love each other.

CGI CATE BLANCHETT

Well, not instantly. Let's spend an afternoon montaging together first.

They FLY, FISH and generally do HAPPY THINGS TOGETHER.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Okay, I love you now. Welcome back into my heart, deadbeat hobo mom.

MEANWHILE:

EXT. SHIP

Meanwhile, AMERICA and the other DRAGON RIDERS have used KIT to lead them to DRAGO, aka DJIMON HOUNSOU, and his fleet of WOODEN SHIPS.

CGI JONAH HILL

Okay, so we've followed through on Jay's stupid plan that none of us thought would work. Now what?

CGI AMERICA FERRERA

Uh, I guess we get captured now.

They DO.

CGI JONAH HILL

Cool, now what?

CGI AMERICA FERRERA

Now we talk to the evil psycho I guess.

One of their DRAGON's uses FLAMETHROWER on DJIMON. It's not very effective!

CGI AMERICA FERRERA

Okay, so dragon skin capes instantly nullify any and all heat damage from concentrated flame bursts. I wonder why none of the people in our previously dragon-phobic town ever thought of that.

CGI DJIMON HOUNSOU

(barking)

Greetings, captives. The only thing I hate more than not sounding like a grizzly bear chewing on concrete is dragons! I hate them so much I've amassed a huge army of them to help me fight other dragons. And sometimes humans, whom I guess I also hate.

CGI AMERICA FERRERA

So how do you control your dragons?

CGI DJIMON HOUNSOU

(growling)

I have some inexplicable power over this enormous ice-breathing kaiju knockoff thing. It's an alpha dragon, which means it has mind control powers over other dragons. And it listens only to me, for reasons we won't even begin to explain.

CGI AMERICA FERRERA

Wow. That is one big ice monster. Do you even need your army of people and/or dragons? It seems like that guy could slaughter pretty much everything in the universe with a hard sneeze.

CGI DJIMON HOUNSOU

(rasping)

If it's worth doing, it's worth doing wayyyy too much. Now I'm going to make you all walk the plank, somewhere far away from me where I can't see it happening, under the watchful eye of like three inept guards. Also Kit, you can go die too.

CGI KIT HARINGTON

Seriously Blood Diamond, what the actual fuck? Oh well, I guess this means I'm good all of a sudden.

They go to almost get executed, but instead ESCAPE with almost NO EFFORT.

INT. CAVE

GERARD has tracked JAY to CATE'S DRAGON CAVE.

CGI GERARD BUTLER

Alright, son. I've found you. Now let's get home, the fortifications are probably done being fortified by now.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

That's great dad but hey, listen, I just have one thing to-

CGI GERARD BUTLER

This will be your first great test as a chieftain. You're going to need to learn how to lead our people, defend our home, and above all, listen when people give you good advice.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Yes, cool, are we really doing this again? I need to tell you that-

CGI GERARD BUTLER

You hear what I said, boy? Listening is key. Always listen when people are telling you important things.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Yes, dad, and now I need to tell you-

CGI GERARD BUTLER

Always listen, boy.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

There's something very important-

CGI GERARD BUTLER

Listening is essential.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Fuck-

CGI GERARD BUTLER

Listen.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

You-

CGI GERARD BUTLER

Listen!

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Mom's here.

CGI GERARD BUTLER

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOUR MAMA WAS ALIVE?!

Sure enough, CATE appears to confront her HUSBAND for the first time in TWO DECADES.

CGI CATE BLANCHETT

I know what you're going to say. How could I abandon my mentally-an-infant husband with my actually-an-infant son. You'd be perfectly justified in being pissed at the fact that I abandoned my family to go live with the reptiles that were murdering us at the time. You should be emotionally devastated and want nothing to do with me for depriving our child of a mother and doing nothing to help our war torn community with its dragon problem. Seriously, I cannot stress enough how much a self-centered psychopath I am.

CGI GERARD BUTLER

I love you forever.

CGI CATE BLANCHETT

This has gone swimmingly, I must say. Most divorce movies usually at least pretend there's some tension between the parents before love conquers all.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Yay, we can be a family again!

(begins taking bets to see which parental figure will die at the second-act closer)

Sure enough, DJIMON shows up with a MASSIVE FUCKING ARMY of PEOPLE and also DRAGONS. Everyone starts FIGHTING but no one DIES because the entire battlefield has been sprinkled with magical PG-13 FAIRY DUST.

CGI CATE BLANCHETT

(fighting Djimon)

You can't destroy our dragons! Dragons are good, intelligent creatures!

CGI DJIMON HOUNSOU

(braying)

As long as they're not being mind-controlled by my giant evil ice dragon, that is. Ice Dragon, I choose you!

DJIMON's ICE MONSTER begins BRAINWASHING all the DRAGONS.

CGI DJIMON HOUNSOU

(snarling)

Now, Ice Dragon! Use hypnosis on Toothless!

ICE DRAGON uses HYPNOSIS. TOOTHLESS is CONFUSED.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

No, Toothless! Don't give in to the Dark Side!

TOOTHLESS rolls a SAVE CHECK. It FAILS.

CGI DJIMON HOUNSOU

(very very loudly)

Now, Toothless! Use flamethrower on Jay!

TOOTHLESS uses FLAMETHROWER. It MISSES and hits GERARD. It's SUPER EMOTIONAL!

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

No! Wake up, Mufasa Dad!

It's no use! Tonight, GERARD dines in HELL!

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Alright guys, there's no time to lose. Djimon is heading for Berk with all the dragons in the universe, so we have to stop him. Right after this quick Viking funeral.

They spend HOURS rigging up a BOAT, dressing GERARD's BODY, assembling flaming ARROWS and rehearsing JAY's epic SPEECH. Meanwhile, DJIMON plows through Berk's FORTIFICATIONS in about twelve seconds and TAKES OVER the TOWN. SERIOUSLY.

CGI JONAH HILL

Okay, sweet, your dad's crispy fish food and our hometown is under the heel of a psychotic Calvin Klein model. Now, how do we get back to Berk in time to stop Djimon, especially considering how we just burned our only boat?

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Easy. We fly on cute baby dragons! They're too small to be controlled by anyone! Including us, as I explicitly state out loud. But somehow we manage to get there anyway.

They fly back to Berk and begin distracting DJIMON with more SHEEP CRUELTY. JAY confronts the hypnotized TOOTHLESS.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Hey buddy, it's me! Remember me? The guy who sounds like a bobcat orgasming?

JAY uses SCHMALTZY MUSIC. It's SUPER EFFECTIVE! Toothless is GOOD again!

CGI DJIMON HOUNSOU

(just...just really mean sounding)

Curses! I've lost my tiny dragon! All I have left is my skyscraper-sized ice breathing one!

What? TOOTHLESS is EVOLVING!

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Jesus, you're just the Swiss Army Knife of dragons, aren't you, little buddy?

Congratulations! TOOTHLESS evolved into TOOTHLESS WITH BLUE SPIKES.

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

Now, Toothless, use Fire Blast!

TOOTHLESS uses FIRE BLAST. It's SUPER EFFECTIVE (against all logic, considering how the dragon he's shooting at would barely tell the difference between fireballs and mosquito bites)! ICE DRAGON retreats!

CGI JAY BARUCHEL

And now I shall take my rightful place as chief of our tribe. Because as long as dragons are under our total control, and not the total control of someone else, we shall have peace forever!

CGI CATE BLANCHETT

And remember kids, cruelty towards animals is terrible. Animals are our friends! Except sheep. Fuck sheep.

We end with more AERIAL SHEEP SOCCER. Because seriously, FUCK SHEEP.

END.