FADE IN:

INT. ICE CUBE'S DESK

Homeland Security officer ICE CUBE and NASA officer EVA LONGORIA get a video call from DHS SECRETARY CLARK GREGG.

DHS SECRETARY CLARK GREGG

Great, we're all here. We can just jump right in.

(shares his screen)

Everyone see that?

EVA LONGORIA

(still doing actual work)

Yup.

ICE CUBE

(still using government software to invade his grown children's privacy)

Indeed.

DHS SECRETARY CLARK GREGG

Okay, so, looks like what we have here are meteors hitting the Earth on all sides and releasing giant alien death robots. What do we think?

EVA LONGORIA

(brief glance)

Uh... yeah, I'd definitely call those giant alien death robots.

DHS SECRETARY CLARK GREGG

So we'll need to kick off a plan to destroy the deathbots before EOD today. Ice, sound good?

ICE CUBE

(responds in silence)

DHS SECRETARY CLARK GREGG

Uh, Ice, I think you're on mute.

ICE CUBE

(unmutes)

Apologies. Just the loop of my dead wife's voice mails in the background. What were we saying?

DHS SECRETARY CLARK GREGG

Plan to destroy the deathbots, EOD today?

ICE CUBE

Can do.

He signs off and gets an EMAIL from the company's INTERNAL COMPLIANCE SYSTEM.

INTERNAL COMPLIANCE SYSTEM

"UPDATE: Your access to PROJECT: Operation Nationwide Mega-Hacker Takedown is Denied. REASON: Conflict of Interest. COMMENT: The mega-hacker is your son."

ICE CUBE

I am SO angry. My son hates me and everything I stand for. His hacking had better not be essential later.

He begins implementing OPERATION JUST HIT THE DEATHBOTS WITH MISSILES OR TANKS OR WHATEVER.

ICE CUBE

(calls CLARK back)

So we have been hearing on the ground is that the giant alien death robots are carrying tiny alien hacker bugs.

DHS SECRETARY CLARK GREGG

Do we know what the hackbugs are trying to hack?

ICE CUBE

Our early guess is that the hackbugs are trying to hack the data that we have been hacking from every living human being. The stuff that my mega-hacker son keeps accusing us of hacking. I mean, I guess he is not ACCUSING us, since we really do hack all that stuff.... Anyway, the point is that the hackbugs have been hacking our hackery ever since you authorized Operation Hack All the Things in Q1.

DHS SECRETARY CLARK GREGG

(long pause)

Right.

ICE CUBE

I must know if you aware of the possibility that our hacking could awaken a bunch of hackbugs that can jack our hacking and use it for ultra-mega-hacking purposes.

DHS SECRETARY CLARK GREGG

(silent and perfectly still)

ICE CUBE

Uh, Clark, I think I lost you.

DHS SECRETARY CLARK GREGG

No, I'm still here. But I don't think you're being a team player.

ICE CUBE

I am sorry?

DHS SECRETARY CLARK GREGG

You see, we hack all the things because we CARE. The hackbugs hack all the things because that's what you'd expect from dishonest, thieving aliens of another race.

(rubs forehead)

Wait, WHICH presidential administration are we commenting on now? Ugh, forget it. Look, Ice, you still haven't used any of your PTO. Probably because you need our systems to hack your pregnant daughter's fridge. And I totally get that, but you really need to clear your head. Or at least leave your desk and BATHE.

CLARK ends the call. Another EMAIL arrives.

INTERNAL COMPLIANCE SYSTEM

"UPDATE: Your access to PROJECT: Operation Hack All the Things is Revoked. REASON: Disciplinary Action. COMMENT: Fuck you."

ICE CUBE

I cannot believe it. Clark's motivation this whole time has been to hack all the things as an end in itself. And now I, the protagonist, am supposed to resolve this plot without an apparatus for my established skills.

He gets a TEXT from his son, HENRY HUNTER HALL.

HENRY HUNTER HALL

hey dad. ready 2 deus x machina it up?

ICE CUBE

(thumbs-up emoji)

They work together with EVA, plus ICE'S DAUGHTER, plus HER BOYFRIEND, plus a few REDSHIRTS, plus AMAZON and all its SUPER-COOL PRIVACY-PROTECTING TECHNOLOGY NO REALLY I AM SO SURE, to hack the OPERATION HACK ALL THE THINGS SERVER, which in turn hacks all the HACKBUGS to death, and then CLARK is arrested for hacking too many of THE THINGS, so EVERYTHING is fine now.

HENRY HUNTER HALL

u know how on l+o svu they told ice t to act like ice t if he were a cop?

ICE CUBE

ya why

HENRY HUNTER HALL

never act like ice cube if he were a tech support guy again

ICE CUBE

u r mean

END