EXT. HAPPY ISLAND VILLAGE

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO returns from exploring a SMALL UNINHABITED ISLAND. There is an OPENING SONG about how EVERYTHING IS GREAT NOW.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

(Singing to the tune of "We're Back!")

Finally back for a sequel

Trying to satisfy all you people

Who need more CGI!

CGI VILLAGERS

(Singing)

Oh, we're back!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

(Singing)

On the fourth wall we are leaning.

You already guessed the double-meaning.

We're back... from a day-trip sail!

CGI VILLAGERS

(Singing)

Everything's so hunky-dory

Since Auli'i went exploring

and broke that nasty cuuuurse!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

(Singing)

Finally, we're back

to do a SEA-quel!

AULI’I approaches her PARENTS, CGI CHIEF TEMUERA MORRISON and CGI NICOLE SCHERZINGER.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Father, I was out exploring all day and I found this pot!

CGI TEMUERA MORRISON

What? You know I'll never stand for drug use here!

(Whispering)

Meet me by the waterfall and I'll split it with you. The rooster can come too.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

No, I mean I found this broken bit of pottery!

CGI TEMUERA MORRISON

Oh, wonderful.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

This means that there are other people out there somewhere, probably!

CGI TEMUERA MORRISON

In that case, this calls for a kava-drinking ceremony. Yeah!

CGI NICOLE SCHERZINGER

Wait, we didn't even know if there were people on other islands? I knew we were isolated and only just got back into sailing, but DAYUM!

CGI KHALEESI LAMBERT-TSUDA

(Enormous puppy eyes)

I WUV OOH, BIG SIS!

INT. REALLY BIG FALE, OR MEETING HOUSE

AULI’I drinks the CEREMONIAL KAVA even though it TASTES LIKE DIRT and only gets you a little NUMB. Suddenly, even though the SKY is CLEAR, LIGHTNING strikes straight through the roof and she has a VISION!

CGI GHOST GERALD RAMSEY

Auli'i, I am Gerald, your ancestor. I set out to find the lost island of Motufetu, but perished in a storm made by the god CGI TOFIGA FEPULA'I. Now I am calling upon you to find it. Setting foot there will connect all Polynesian peoples.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Wait, how does that work?

CGI GHOST GERALD RAMSEY

Uh...magic? Yeah, magic. A curse by Tofiga. But if you don't succeed, this is what will happen!

We see her HAPPY ISLAND VILLAGE all DARK AND EMPTY!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Wait, how does my not reaching that island make us go extinct?

CGI GHOST GERALD RAMSEY

(Waving hands while fading away)

MAGIIIIIC!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

I guess we had to raise the stakes somehow...

She wakes up in the LIGHTNING-DAMAGED FALE.

CGI TEMUERA MORRISON

Auli'i, you're okay!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

I met my ancestor, and he told me to go to the lost island of Motufetu, or it's the end of our village!

EVERYONE GASPS!

CGI TEMUERA MORRISON

Damn, that must have been some good kava!

CGI NICOLE SCHERZINGER gives him a look.

CGI TEMUERA MORRISON

Uh, that's such a dangerous journey! We'll have to get you the biggest boat we can, a crew of experts, and a good supply of provisions!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Hey, why didn't I have any of those last time?

CGI TEMUERA shrugs.

CGI KHALEESI LAMBERT-TSUDA

(Enormous puppy eyes)

Is ooh gonna be okaye?

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Of course, honey. Anytime you want to connect to me, just touch the ocean.

She DOES. The CGI SENTIENT WATER TENTACLE high-fives her.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Yeah, he shows up whenever the plot calls for it, kind of like the musical numbers. In fact, I feel a song coming on...

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

(Singing to the tune of "Beyond")

I know the plot point that should go here.

Now I feel apprehension and fear

And suddenly, Act 2 has begun.

I know the path that must be chosen,

So I'll sing a song like "Frozen"

And simply let it go

As I venture into the unknown.

What lies beyond?

More songs without LMM?

Can I find success again?

Or is this another "Wish?"

If I go bеyond

Will Dwayne finally appear?

Does it matter what goes here?

Because, who knows this song?

EXT. SHORE

AULI’I'S CREW has been assembled.

CGI ROSE MATAFEO

I'm Rose. I'm a whiz at building and modifying boats, and I really love to chop them up with my hatchet for funzies! Especially the masts!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Wait, how do you have a New Zealand accent? Aren't we all supposed to be from the same island?

CGI ROSE MATAFEO

MAGIC!

CGI DAVID FANE

I'm David. I'm old and I hate everything, except for my food-bearing plants!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Are they really going to grow fast enough to be useful on a single trip?

CGI DAVID FANE

Probably not, but I'm still more useful than the next guy.

CGI HUALALAI CHUNG

I'm Hualalai! I make fanboy tapestries of myself with DWAYNE JOHNSON! Wanna see the ones I did with a machete? I call them "slashfic!" They're in the back...

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Nope, we've gotta leave right this minute! Grab the rooster and pig!

They DO.

EXT. BOAT IN THE OPEN OCEAN

THE CREW is loving the HIGH SEAS, except for DAVID, who is incapable of feeling JOY. They're following a SHOOTING STAR that showed up and seems to be leading them towards MOTUFETU.

CGI DAVID FANE

I wear coconut water wings!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

That's great! In fact, I wanna sing!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

(Singing to the tune of "What Could be Better than This?")

Get up and get on your feet!

We're in the open water!

You can do anything,

When you're the chieftain's daughter!

Look around,

There's nothing but sea!

CGI DAVID FANE

I hate sea.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

(Singing)

Come on, you just need some sun.

Your plants do need it as well,

In fact, how are they not done?

You're really putting them through hell.

Don't you know?

They don't belong in the hull!

CGI DAVID FANE

I'm gonna be sick!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

(Singing)

We're all in this together

Even the one with feathers

In fact, why did we bring him?

Even if things got grim,

I don't really see him getting eaten.

But what could be better than this?

CGI ROSE MATAFEO

Having Lin-Manuel Miranda do the music again?

CGI DAVID FANE

(Vomiting)

I meant I was sick from the singing!

THE SHOOTING STAR abruptly BREAKS APART.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Wait, it's okay, what's that island in the distance?

CGI HUALALAI CHUNG

That's no island... it's a space station! I mean, a ship!

CGI DAVID FANE

And it's loaded with...COCONUT MINIONS!

It's full of KAKAMORA, 'member them? Small coconut pirates?

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Okay, I defeated them almost single-handedly in the last movie, so with a crew and so much more experience, this should be-

She gets SHOT in the ASS with a SEDATIVE-TIPPED BLOW DART.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

-a piiiiieeeeeccccceeeee ooofffff caaaakkkkkeee...

They ALL get sedated and dragged onto the KAKAMORA MOTHERSHIP, which is drifting dangerously close to a GIANT CLAM CREATURE!

CGI ROSE MATAFEO

It's about to eat us, and we can't even move! I don't wanna be sedated! I can't control my fingers, I can't control my toes, oh, no oh-oh-oh-oh!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Wait, I think the Kakamora are trying to tell us something with a drawing!

CGI HUALALAI CHUNG

What? I get to be actually useful?

The KAKAMORA nod and draw.

CGI HUALALAI CHUNG

They're saying that they're not actually bad, they were just separated from their own island after Tofiga sank Motufetu.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Wait, how does that work?

CGI HUALALAI CHUNG

MAGIC!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

And why are they raiding everyone if they're not bad?

CGI ROSE MATAFEO

MAGI- Look, this movie was made by Disney's secondary studios in Vancouver and was almost just a Disney+ series, OK?

CGI HUALALAI CHUNG

They're also saying that they'll team up with us if we help neutralize the giant clam. And this one Kakamora is willing to join us. All we have to do is sail into the heart of that clam and hit its weak spot with a toxin-tipped spear.

CGI DAVID FANE

So we've got to sail into the middle of this WET, BUSH-COVERED CLAM, find its SWEET SPOT, and STICK IT WITH OUR SPEAR. What age group was this made for, again?

The CREW and ONE UNNAMED KAKAMORA get onto a raft to ATTEMPT THAT. They sail to the inside of the GIANT CLAM, but their raft keeps moving.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Wait, is that the spot we're supposed to hit?

CGI HUALALAI CHUNG

I don't know, can it really be that easy?

CGI ROSE MATAFEO

Yeah, video games aren't even that obvious about the target spot!

CGI DAVID FANE

Dammit, we were overthinking and sailed right past it!

They lose their TOXIN-TIPPED SPEARS through a COMEDY OF ERRORS and fall into a CAVE that may or may not be part of the CLAM. AULI’I is separated from the others. The accompanying KAKAMORA is demoted to being a BACKGROUND CHARACTER.

INT. CAVE

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON is dangling sideways from a ROPE hanging from the CEILING, and is bound in, I don't know, FISH BONES or something.

CGI HUALALAI CHUNG

OH MY DEMIGOD, it's YOU! You're trapped in the "Thor: Ragnarok" bind!

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

Not quite. There's one...

One of several SEAPLANT THINGS vomits GREEN SLIME all over him.

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

...difference. Oh, and I can totally get to my magic hook and free myself!

He DOES.

CGI ROOSTER ALAN TUDYK

Big-gaaawk!

(collects a million dollars)

CGI PIG

Oink?

(Collects NOTHING, because he's voiced by a collection of STOCK SOUND EFFECTS)

CGI ROSE MATAFEO

Yeah, the fans really insisted he come along this time.

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

Wait, if Alan is here, then Auli'i is also in this horribly dangerous place, probably! Gotta find her! Oh, and stay away from anyone with a pet bat.

INT. A DIFFERENT PART OF THE CAVE

ALUI'I meets CGI AWHIMAI FRASER, who has a PET BAT and OOZES DISNEY EVIL.

CGI AWHIMAI FRASER

Trust in Me, I'm not all bad. I'm really a Poor Unfortunate Soul. This Hellfire that I'm living in is because I'm really a prisoner of Tofiga, the World's Greatest Criminal Mind. But you can escape and be one of my Friends on the Other Side. Motufetu is in Tofiga's realm. You must Be Prepared for what's to come.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Yes, you're definitely not evil at all. Nooooope.

CGI AWHIMAI FRASER

You'll just have to find another way to escape.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Oh, I guess it's time for another...

CGI AWHIMAI FRASER

(To the tune of "Get Lost")

I've been stuck in this clam,

And not to sound like a big ham,

But this place is a total shell, my dear

I can't tell you direct,

But I can project

An implication or two to you.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

There has got to be a better way to break up totally different movements in songs than having me say nothing of importance!

CGI AWHIMAI FRASER

Nope, The Editing Room's site design doesn't allow that!

CGI AWHIMAI FRASER

(Back to singing)

Go weird, go strange, and lose your place!

Like Walken said, "Explore the space!"

Take a route that makes no sense whatsoever.

Wander around like you're stuck in a dream,

Move as randomly as this song's rhyme scheme.

Don't make any sense at all.

Come on now,

It's time to move weird!

CGI AWHIMAI FRASER

Here, try this portal.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

We have PORTALS? Can't you just portal me to Motufetu?

CGI AWHIMAI FRASER

No. Because the arbitrary rules of MAGIC!

AULI’I goes through the portal and doesn't even get a COMPANION CUBE but at least she rejoins the OTHERS.

INT. THE FIRST PART OF THE CAVE

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

AULI'I! It's not safe for mortals to get any closer to Motufetu! We have to get you home!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

No!

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

Okay.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Also, Awhimai wasn't really evil after all? My villainess detector is broken.

EXT. OPEN OCEAN - NIGHT

The CGI WATER TENTACLE waves BYE-BYE because it can't get any closer to TOFIGA because MAGIC. Then the crew gets attacked in the middle of ROUGH SEAS by GIANT EELS that serve TOFIGA.

CGI HUALALAI CHUNG

Help! I'm being eaten by giant eels!

DWAYNE saves him.

CGI HUALALAI CHUNG

I've been saved by YOU! That was almost worth the trauma of nearly getting eaten.

He FAINTS for TWO DIFFERENT REASONS. CGI DWAYNE continues to fight off the GIANT EELS.

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

Just gotta keep fighting them off until sunrise. These are VAMPIRE EELS!

CGI ROSE MATAFEO

(Wielding hatchet)

I'll save us by chopping at the mast!

They both DO, but the BOAT takes a lot of DAMAGE.

EXT. DESERT ISLAND - DAY

THE CREW is SHIPWRECKED. ALL IS LOST.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

ALL IS LOST!

CGI DAVID FANE

Yes, getting shipwrecked here seems to run in your family.

We see that CGI GERALD RAMSEY'S old shipwreck sits nearby.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

(Throwing head in hands)

I'VE DOOMED US ALL!

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

Hey, I've been low before, like the same story beat in the last movie. You can come back from this one, too!

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

(To the tune of "Can I Get a Chee-Hoo?")

You're feeling low, it's the end of Act Two.

I've got just the thing if you're feeling blue.

It won't take long, it's all in this song.

A quick morale booster!

You can keep going, you've just gotta believe,

We seemed doomed, but here's our reprieve.

And we might not have Lin-Manuel, but you know

We can still use his style and flow.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

So you're saying we need...

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

(Singing)

I need a, can I get a, "HAMILTON" KNOCKOFF SONG?

What is it, what is it, gonna be?

Like the best, like the best, play about history?

Come on Auli'i, it's easy to see.

Can I get a, can I get a, Lin-Manuel knockoff?

You gotta, you gotta, have power beat.

And a hook that makes you, makes you, move your feet.

And some rap beats that sound to me

like they'd get called a Lin-Manuel knockoff?

CGI HUALALAI CHUNG

We fixed the boat while you were singing.

CGI ROSE MATAFEO

Yeah, that kind of thing is literally what I'm here for.

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

Okay, here's the plan: We sail to Motufetu, I'll raise it with my giant magic hook, and Auli'i will set foot on it and break the curse. We'll just sail through Tofiga's storm. It'll be a piece of, uh, whatever the Polynesian version of cake is!

EXT. CGI TOFIGA'S MEGA-STORM

IT IS NOT. TOFIGA is there and has whipped up the BIGGEST DAMN STORM. There are lots of ELECTRIFIED WATERSPOUTS.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Wait a minute, Tofiga is doing this because he's afraid of a human touching the island!

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

Aha, we need to use you as bait, just like we did in the last movie!

CGI ROSE MATAFEO

(Wielding hatchet)

And I'll save us by chopping at the mast!

DWAYNE turns into a HAWK OR SOMETHING. They sail ALUI'I closer to the sunken island to divert from how he's about to raise it. DWAYNE tosses his magic hook towards the island and starts pulling on the attached rope.

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

It's working! Just as long as Tofiga doesn't notice and strike me with magic lightning while I'm a bird!

HE DOES. This lightning is so MAGIC that it strips DWAYNE of his DEMIGOD status! We know because his TATTOOS come off.

CGI HUALALAI CHUNG

MINI-DWAYNE, NOOO! We hadn't even used him in this Abridged Script!

CGI ROSE MATAFEO

So the way this works is if the lightning strikes a demigod, they're downgraded to "mortal." If it strikes a mortal, then they're downgraded to "dead?"

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

Ugh, I had only gotten Motufetu halfway raised to the surface!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

I'll just have to find another way!

She DIVES into the DEADLY WATER and swims towards the SUBMERGED ISLAND.

CGI ROSE MATAFEO

I guess her touching the island while it's still underwater technically counts as a mortal reaching the island and not just slapping a seamount? Will she even make it in time?

CGI DAVID FANE

It had better count, she's literally betting her life on it!

ALUI'I touches MOTUFETU just before getting struck by one of TOFIGA'S lightning bolts that WORK UNDERWATER, because MAGIC!

CGI DAVID FANE

We're waiting to see what the panel of judges thinks of that one.

They all turn HEAVENWARD to see what the POLYNESIAN GODS think. The STORM dissipates and everyone cheers! DWAYNE dives down to see if ALUI'I made it. He comes up with her lifeless body.

CGI HUALALAI CHUNG

NOOOOO! Heroine deaths in Disney movies are the most permanent thing ever!

The spirits of ALUI'I'S ANCESTORS, including her GRANDMOTHER, appear and revive her. DWAYNE'S TATTOOS are restored and ALUI'I gets some wayfinder-themed ones. This is not EXACTLY the same as DWAYNE'S hook getting restored in the last movie.

CGI HUALALAI CHUNG

Ah, the classic "Beauty and the Beast" Disney death subversion, with a touch of "Hercules!" Of course!

CGI DAVID FANE

So can the ancestors just revive anyone they want to? I have so many questions.

EVERYONE shrugs.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

(Waking up, seeing tattoos)

Am...am I a demigod now?

EVERYONE shrugs again. DWAYNE uses his hook to pull MOTUFETU the rest of the way to the surface. THE CGI SENTIENT WATER TENTACLE returns, because MAGIC.

EXT. MOTUFETU

ALUI'I stands on the island and blows a CONCH SHELL. Several CULTURALLY DISTINCT boats IMMEDIATELY arrive out of the mist.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

All the Polynesian peoples are connected! Let's have them all meet the people on my island right away! Samoans, Tongans, and Hawaiians are going to be the bestest buds ever!

This joke makes perfect sense if you read this author's NEXT GOAL WINS abridged script, which you did, RIGHT?

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

(To the tune of "Beyond Reprise")

We went beyond.

And we'll all go home together,

Showing up to my dad's place just whenever

With fifty strange friends.

CGI ALUI'I CAVALHO AND NEW FRIENDS

(Singing, partly in English)

We're gonna crash at your place!

Sleep on your couches and stuff our face!

And will come, we will come, we will come

As invited guests!

CGI DWAYNE JOHNSON

Cool, have fun with that. I'm out.

He hitches his hook to a CLOUD, which he can do because MAGIC, and swings away.

EXT. HAPPY ISLAND VILLAGE

The CREW pulls ashore.

CGI KHALEESI LAMBERT-TSUDA

(Enormous puppy eyes)

Big sis! You made it back!

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Yep! And I brought some friends!

ALL THE BOATS of the other POLYNESIAN PEOPLES arrive behind her. They're not INVADING, because it's a DISNEY MOVIE.

CGI TEMUERA MORRISON

New friends! We'll all get along perfectly fine all the time.

He exchanges a look with NICOLE.

CGI TEMUERA MORRISON

Oh, who are we kidding? Samoans and Tongans are natural enemies. Just like Englishmen and Scots, or Welshmen and Scots. Or Japanese and Scots. Or Scots and Scots. Damn Scots, they ruined Scotland!

CGI DAVID FANE

Yeah, this is probably going to be the worst thing to happen to Polynesians since the arrival of canned processed meat.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO

Anyway, I was already thinking about my next sailing adventure...

CGI KHALEESI LAMBERT-TSUDA sobs.

CGI AULI’I CRAVALHO AND FRIENDS

(To the tune of "We Know the Way")

It was okay!

Not quite as good as the last one.

It's on the level of "Frozen 2."

It was okay!

No Oscar noms, but it was fun.

We got noticed by the Annie Awards!

It was okay!

Expect to see another one.

In another six or seven years!

It was okay!

Now we'll end with the thud of a drum.

We've been doing that since "Lion King."

A loud DRUM thuds.

END

INT. TOFIGA'S PERSONAL LAIR

We get a MID-CREDITS SCENE! Those are UNHEARD OF in modern movies!

AWHIMAI has been given a NEGATIVE PERFORMANCE REVIEW by TOFIGA, who is appearing COMPLETELY IN PERSON for the FIRST TIME, which isn't CONFUSING at all.

CGI TOFIGA FEPULEA'I

I'm not mad at you for helping Auli'i, just disappointed. As punishment, I'm going to continue to keep you grounded for the rest of eternity, same as always.

CGI AWHIMAI FRASER

Aww, maaaan! No fair!

CGI GIANT CRAB JEMAINE CLEMENT enters. 'Member him?

CGI GIANT CRAB JEMAINE CLEMENT

I'm here to talk to you about the "Revenge on Auli'i" initiative!

TOFIGA strikes him with LIGHTNING.

CGI GIANT CRAB JEMAINE CLEMENT

(Cooked Maryland-style)

Come now, am I really that annoying?

CGI TOFIGA FEPULEA'I

No, it's more that your appearance made a lot more sense as a teaser for another season on Disney+. Next up is a live-action remake. What are they gonna do, commit to another movie already?

CGI AWHIMAI FRASER

This one broke a billion dollars at the box office.

CGI TOFIGA FEPULEA'I

Revenge on Auli'i initiative, you say?

REAL END.