Every group has that one guy who only gets to hang around because he's the only one who can give everyone a ride.

A BUG'S LIFE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. ANTHILL'S SURROUNDINGS

CGI ANTS are doing ANT THINGS. Along comes CGI DAVE FOLEY, doing NON-ANT THINGS.

CGI DAVE FOLEY

Princess Julia, look at this amazing contraption I've built! I know my inventions seldom work, but this one does, and what better time to demonstrate it than when you're dealing with a life and death situation and fretting over not being as good a leader as your mother, Queen Phyllis? Also, I have a crush on you.

CGI JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

Leave me alone, Dave! I'm anxious enough as it is, what with the imminent arrival of Kevin Spacey and his gang of grasshoppers to take our food like they do every year!

CGI DAVE FOLEY

Well, grasshoppers may come every year, but I highly doubt Kevin has been their leader for two years in a row, seeing as the average lifespan of a grasshopper is one year. Come to think about it, ants have an even shorter lifespan, so I don't see how we could know that Kevin is--

CGI JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

Really? You're gonna talk science here? Have you not noticed how every ant in this colony only has four limbs?

Suddenly, the LOOK-OUT ANTS spot the GRASSHOPPERS approaching and sound the ALARM, sending all the ANTS into a mad PANIC.

CGI ANTS

AYEE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

CGI JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

Ah... Hum... Could you kindly refrain from panicking?

CGI ANTS

(keep screaming and running in circles)

CGI PHYLLIS DILLER puts two fingers to her MOUTH and whistles loudly.

CGI ANTS

It's the trademark badass leader whistle! Phew! Now we can stop panicking and listen.

Following CGI PHYLLIS DILLER's lead, all the ANTS get in line and walk orderly into the ANTHILL.

CGI PHYLLIS DILLER

Don't forget to leave the food on that leaf that's sitting on the top of a pile of pebbles precariously balanced next to the edge of a cliff!

CGI DAVE FOLEY

(arriving as everyone's already inside)

Must place food on leaf... Must place food on leaf... Eh, screw this, I'll just toss this still running contraption in the general direction of the food pile and hope for the best.

The contraption falls to its side and dislodges one of the pebbles, causing the whole thing to collapse and all the food to roll off the edge and into a nearby water puddle.

CGI DAVE FOLEY

(running inside)

Maybe the grasshoppers will understand.

CGI KEVIN SPACEY

(storming the anthill along with his gang)

No, we won't.

After the GRASSHOPPERS leave, announcing they'll come back for their FOOD by the end of the SUMMER, CGI DAVE FOLEY asks for permission to leave the ANTHILL and go look for some REALLY TOUGH BUGS who would be willing to get rid of the GRASSHOPPERS for them.

CGI DAVE FOLEY

Also, I have a crush on you. Now seems to be a good time to reiterate it.

CGI JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

Sure, whatever, just leave.

EXT. BUG CITY (AKA A PARKED TRAILER'S SURROUNDINGS)

CGI DAVE FOLEY meets CGI DENIS LEARY and his band of MISFITS, who have just been fired from a CIRCUS due to their terrible PERFORMANCE.

CGI DAVE FOLEY

I'm looking for some really tough bugs to get rid of a gang of grasshoppers, but I'll phrase it in a way that could be misinterpreted as me being a talent hunter.

CGI DENIS LEARY

We're unemployed circus artists who'll accept your proposal because we've mistaken you for a talent hunter, but we'll phrase it in a way that could be misinterpreted as us being willing to help you get rid of the grasshoppers.

They all happily take off to the ANTHILL.

EXT. ANTHILL'S SURROUNDINGS

CGI DAVE FOLEY

(arriving)

Hey, I see you guys built a brand new pile of pebbles just like the last one, on the edge of the very same cliff where we lost all our food last time! It seems you're really placing all your eggs in the "let's get Dave out of the way" basket.

CGI JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

Whatever, just don't go anywhere near the food.

CGI DENIS LEARY

These ants don't look very excited to see us. I'd better make a short speech to convince them to hire us, but with a careful choice of words that'll allow this misunderstanding to stretch until the last possible moment.

He does so.

CGI JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

Let's throw a welcome party for our heroes!

CGI DENIS LEARY

Hold...

CGI JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

First, a musical number.

CGI DENIS LEARY

Hold...

CGI JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

Then, a play portraying in gruesome detail the heroic deeds we expect from you.

CGI DENIS LEARY

Hold...

CGI JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

Now, a speech from yours truly, thanking you all in advance for saving us from the grasshoppers.

CGI DENIS LEARY

I believe that's my cue.

CGI DENIS LEARY and his FRIENDS let CGI DAVE FOLEY know that they're not in fact REALLY TOUGH BUGS, and he manages to steer them away from the party without raising (much) SUSPICION.

CGI DAVE FOLEY

Please, don't leave! Just give me some time and I'll come up with a new plan to defeat the grasshoppers.

CGI DENIS LEARY

Dude, you're wasting valuable time here: just tell the truth to the colony.

CGI DAVE FOLEY

Are you crazy? That's the one thing you don't do when you make a mistake. I must tell a lie to cover up my blunder, and then keep telling more lies until things eventually sort themselves out.

The CIRCUS BUGS leave anyway, with CGI DAVE FOLEY following them and pleading with them to come back, but then they see CGI JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS' baby SISTER, CGI HAYDEN PANETTIERE, being chased by a BIRD and they all come to the rescue.

CGI ANTS

Hurray for the heroes!

CGI CIRCUS BUGS

We like being heroes! Let's stay and help!

CGI DAVE FOLEY

And I actually came up with a plan!

CGI JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

And now I have a crush on you too!

SECOND-ACT CRISIS

I believe that's my cue!

The whole COLONY works together to build a fake BIRD to scare off CGI KEVIN SPACEY and his GANG. Just as everything is ready for the GRASSHOPPER's arrival and they're all celebrating, the CIRCUS BUGS' former BOSS arrives looking for them and the JIG is up.

CGI JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

Dave, you lied to us! You lied to me! I feel betrayed: leave forever!

CGI PHYLLIS DILLER

Let's forget all about the plan that we spent the last days putting together and go back to the plan that we have already established won't work! Maybe the grasshoppers will be more understanding this time than they were last time.

CGI KEVIN SPACEY

(arriving with his gang)

For the last time, no, we won't.

While the GRASSHOPPERS are terrorizing the ANTS, CGI HAYDEN PANETTIERE manages to escape and finds CGI DAVE FOLEY and the CIRCUS BUGS as they are leaving.

CGI HAYDEN PANETTIERE

Dave, we need your help!

CGI DAVE FOLEY

Sorry, kiddo, I've lost my confidence.

CGI HAYDEN PANETTIERE

Will it help if I give you the same motivational speech you once gave to me?

CGI DAVE FOLEY

Nope.

CGI HAYDEN PANETTIERE

What if I use the exact same metaphor you used?

CGI DAVE FOLEY

Now we're talking!

They return to the ANTHILL, where the CIRCUS BUGS give a PERFORMANCE to distract the GRASSHOPPERS while CGI HAYDEN PANETTIERE and her FRIENDS help CGI DAVE FOLEY put his PLAN into motion.

CGI HAYDEN PANETTIERE

(hiding inside the fake bird)

Squawk! I'm a big, scary bird! Squawk! Go into a blind panic and don't notice that I'm covered in leaves instead of actual feathers!

The GRASSHOPPERS panic as instructed and are already starting to fly away when the fake BIRD grazes a lit match and collapses to the GROUND on FIRE.

CGI KEVIN SPACEY

How dare you try to fool me? I'll crush the ant responsible for this scheme! But first I'll give a villain speech, and also allow this ant to give a rebuttal speech as its good form. What could go wrong with that?

EVERYTHING goes wrong with that. CGI DAVE FOLEY's rebuttal SPEECH inspires the ANTS to fight back and the other GRASSHOPPERS flee in fear.

CGI KEVIN SPACEY

(grabbing CGI DAVE FOLEY and taking him with him as he, too, leaves)

I'll kill you!

CGI DAVE FOLEY

Oh, no! You won't make the same mistake twice: surely this time you'll just snap me in two right away!

CGI KEVIN SPACEY

What are you talking about? Of course I won't: I still have a villain speech to finish.

Just then, CGI JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS comes flying in and snatches CGI DAVE FOLEY from CGI KEVIN SPACEY's hands. She starts to fly back to the anthill with CGI KEVIN SPACEY on her trail, but CGI DAVE FOLEY tells her otherwise.

CGI DAVE FOLEY

Let's fly to the general vicinity of the place where I saw a bird once, several days ago. I'm sure the bird will be there again today. And it'll be hungry. And it'll eat Kevin and not us.

CGI KEVIN SPACEY

(following them)

No way this will work.

CGI BIRD

Hello.

(feeds CGI KEVIN SPACEY to her babies)

CGI JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

All is forgiven, Dave!

CGI PHYLLIS DILLER

You're ready to take my place as the colony's queen, Julia: off to a much earned retirement with me!

CGI CIRCUS BUGS

We no longer suck at our job: let's put this show on the road again!

CGI ANTS

We now trust Dave's inventions, even though it wasn't actually his invention that saved the day!

BIRD

My babies will be hungry again soon.

END

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