FADE IN:

INT. AN ANTIQUE STORE IN CHINATOWN - NIGHT

CHOW YUN FAT and the store owner are playing cards. Three Fukenese Dragon gang members walk in, without an understanding that they will be the first to be killed, just like in the beginning of every CHOW YUN FAT film ever made.

FUKE #1

Hey, we know you can easily kill a shitload of bad guys in Hong Kong, but your just a sorry bitch here in America.

CHOW YUN FAT

I guess you didn't see THE REPLACEMENT KILLERS.

FUKE #1

That piece of crap?

CHOW YUN FAT

You die now.

CHOW does some bad-ass gun acrobatics, killing two gang members and throwing the third out of the store.

AUDIENCE

That was fucking awesome! I just love John Woo.

DIRECTOR JAMES FOLEY

HEY!

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

MARK WAHLBERG enters, carrying his ACTING FOR DUMMIES Book.

MARK WAHLBERG

I'm here to work the Chinatown division.

CHOW YUN FAT

I don't know about that whitey.

WRITER ROBERT PUCCI

Man, what can I do for Mark that will make Chow accept him as an equal. I know! I'll implant him with the knowledge of the Chinese Language, because everybody knows that you'll be accepted in Chinatown if you speak Chinese!

MARK WAHLBERG

Chow Ching Him Ho.

CHOW YUN FAT

You like your shoes?

WRITER ROBERT PUCCI

Fuck.

INT. HENRY LEE'S RESTAURANT - DAY

RIC YOUNG

I am Henry Lee. I am the bad guy in this film. I also have ties with the Fukenese. Even though there are other bad guys who are intricate to the plot, I get more screen time, which makes my character more important.

CHOW YUN FAT enters.

CHOW YUN FAT

Leave my partner out of your criminal Chinatown underworld. You don't need two informants!

RIC YOUNG

But he's Marky Mark. You know, I got those Good Vibrations!

CHOW YUN FAT

If I tell you that there is an unknown undercover FBI agent trying to infiltrate your syndicate, will you leave him alone.

RIC YOUNG

Sure.

CHOW YUN FAT

Besides, he's a good honest cop.

CHOW Leaves, MARK enters five minutes later.

RIC YOUNG

Hey, if I give you money and hookers, will you work for me?

MARK WAHLBERG

You bet!

EXT. AN ALLEY IN CHINATOWN - DAY

CHOW and MARK stake out area where ILLEGAL THINGS are happening, knowing that the unknown undercover FBI cop is with them. All of a sudden some more bad guys show up kill everyone in the alley, CHOW and MARK go after them and partake in an awesome car chasing scene which involves a lot of people getting killed. All of a sudden an MPAA Representative pops into the picture.

MPAA REPRESENTATIVE

(Boasting)

Excuse me. More than three innocent people died in this scene. This is against our policy. You cannot watch the remainder of this film.

AUDIENCE

Oh no!

CHOW comes out with a MPAA RULES AND REGULATIONS Book, and beats the MPAA REP to death with it.

AUDIENCE

Chow rules!

CHOW YUN FAT

Enjoy the rest of the movie kids.

AUDIENCE

What a badass!

INT. SHABACKLER'S OFFICE

We see MARK and PAUL BEN-VICTOR, and a number of no name cops who don't like Mark or his acting.

PAUL BEN-VICTOR

I'm Shabackler. An over-zealous FBI Guy. And you're in deep shit buddy. I've got you on suspicion of withholding evidence and involvement in organized criminal activity. You've got three days to prove me wrong!

WRITER ROBERT PUCCI

Man, I've got to do something to give Mark some leeway so he has more time to get out of this mess. AH HA! I've got it!

MARK WAHLBERG

But I'm really internal affairs.

PAUL BEN-VICTOR

Oh, so you like to take cops down, too? In that case, you get 24 hours!

WRITER ROBERT PUCCI

Fuck.

Mark is later seen sleeping with some CHINESE HOOKERS. Afterwards, one of them goes through his clothes and finds a recording device. She then tells a CHINESE WAITER who then tells a CHINESE LAUNDROMAT OWNER, who then tells a CHINESE WOODWORKER, who then tells A BOW- LEGGED CHINESE MAN WITH A GLASS EYE, who then tells RIC YOUNG, who calls CHOW.

RIC YOUNG

You partner is IA. Also, I almost had an aneurysm after renting FEAR and THE BIG HIT. We can't afford having him exposing us or having him in another movie. You have to kill him.

CHOW YUN FAT

Darn! And I just bought his last CD.

EXT. SHIPYARD - NIGHT

CHOW has a gun pointed at MARK.

CHOW YUN FAT

You're a dirty cop.

MARK WAHLBERG

You are too.

CHOW YUN FAT

But at least my acting isn't pathetic.

MARK WAHLBERG

But Henry Lee's goons will kill us because he doesn't trust you.

CHOW YUN FAT

Ah, you're just talking..

All of a sudden, Henry Lee's guys show up, and start shooting at them. Another action scene ensues, which results in CHOW's death. We later see them MARK and every cop in the city carrying a casket.

MARK WAHLBERG

Now that Chow is dead, and Henry Lee is behind bars, the cops wont find any info to prosecute me and my agent will never know how truly awful an actor I really am.

END