FADE IN:

INT. A CLASSROOM IN CHINA

ASIAN KIDS are learning the shit out of MATH. Student CATHERINE CHAN is about to demonstrate how she is the LEBRON JAMES of MATH.

TEACHER

(dribbling MATH)

As you can see class, the square root of math is--

CATHERINE CHAN

(steals MATH)

(does a triple crossover)

(dunks MATH onto the chalk board)

(hangs off rim of chalk board)

In yo face, teach! In YO FACE! It stings doesn't it!? My superior math skill burns, doesn't it!? Ah son! Aaaaahh!!!

TEACHER runs away in DISGRACE and makes a phone call.

TEACHER

Hello Triad? This is Teacher. Are you guys still in the market for a child math genius whom you plan to abduct and ship off to America? Because this is your lucky day!

CATHERINE is kidnapped by THE TRIAD and flown to AMERICA.

TEACHER

In yo face, Catherine! IN YO FACE! That child slavery stings, doesn't it?! It burns, doesn't?! Ah son! Aaaaaahhh!!!

INT. TRIAD STRONGHOLD (NEW YORK)

CATHERINE is brought before the TRIAD LEADER, LO PAN.

JAMES HONG

Jesus H. Christ are people still calling me Lo Pan? That wasn't the only popular movie I was ever in you know! So Catherine, I hear you're some kind of math whiz. I mean more so than the usual Asian stereotype. Demonstrate your skills by using this abacus!

CATHERINE CHAN

(shoots MATH from the 3-pointer line while blindfolded)

(scores)

This is 2012, why the hell are you guys using an abacus to calculate your ill-gotten gains? Has the Chinese mafia never heard of QuickBooks?

JAMES HONG

We prefer to use more reliable forms of calculation, like the bullet-sensitive brains of little girls.

REGGIE LEE

Hello Catherine. I will help you to learn our illegal business and I will protect you from harm.

(pause)

Unless it looks like you're about to be kidnapped by our Russian rivals. Then I'll have to protect you with a bullet to the face.

INT. CAGE MATCH

JASON STATHAM is about to fight a guy and establish his ASS KICKING POWERS in his very FIRST SCENE!

JASON STATHAM

Or we could cut to the next scene before I throw a single punc--

CUT TO:

INT. JASON STATHAM'S HOUSE

JASON comes home to find JOSEPH SIKORA and his gang of RUSSIAN MOBSTERS waiting for him.

JOSEPH SIKORA

Hello Jason. You were supposed to lose that fight, but your badassness crippled the guy with one punch, so we killed your wife!

JASON STATHAM

Wait I have a wife?

JOSEPH SIKORA

Uh... yeah. She's dead in the next room. I bet the audience feels real sad for you right now.

JASON STATHAM

Seeing as that the audience never even saw her and I never shared any scenes with her I seriously doubt the audience gives two creamy bird shits about her death.

JOSEPH SIKORA

Okay. But I bet you're really really pissed off right now so it's time to FIGHT!

(braces himself for an inhuman ASS KICKING)

JASON STATHAM

(sits on the floor, tucks legs firmly underneath body as to prevent the KICKING of zero ASSES)

JOSEPH SIKORA

Huh. That's an odd angle to kick our asses from, but I'll allow it.

JASON STATHAM

I am so overcome with grief from seeing my dead offscreen wife that I'm giving up. Go ahead and kill me.

JOSEPH SIKORA

All-right!

(aims gun at JASON)

(puts gun away)

This just doesn't feel right without the tread of your shoe flying at my face at Mach 10. I'll just come back later when you're in a better mood.

(leaves)

INT. TRIAD STRONGHOLD

JAMES makes CATHERINE memorize a MCGUFFIN NUMBER and then BURNS the only hardcopy.

JAMES HONG

Catherine, you have just memorized a very important number that is the key to all of my ill-gotten gains! I really hope the Russians don't pick this exact moment to kidnap you.

THE RUSSIANS pick THIS EXACT MOMENT to kidnap CATHERINE.

INT. RUSSIAN STRONGHOLD

RUSSIAN BOSS

Catherine, tell me the McGuffin Number or I'll kill you.

CATHERINE CHAN

If you kill me then you'll never get the McGuffin Number.

RUSSIAN BOSS

(rubs chins)

Hmmm, I guess Asian children really are as smart as people say they are.

CATHERINE CHAN

Or you're just stupider than a 10 year old girl who's been out of school for a whole year.

CROOKED COPS surround the place and CATHERINE sneaks away during the commotion because RUSSIAN GANGSTERS SUCK at BABYSITTING.

INT. SUBWAY

JASON is waiting for THE PLOT to catch up to him when he sees EVIL RUSSIAN GUYS follow CATHERINE onto the TRAIN.

JASON jumps onto the moving train and CRUSHES THE SOULS of all the EVIL RUSSIAN GUYS.

CATHERINE CHAN

PLEASE DON'T KILL ME MR. STATHAM!

JASON STATHAM

What? No no no, I'm here to rescue you, mate!

CATHERINE CHAN

But... But you don't even KNOW ME! How do you know those guys weren't chasing me for a good reason?

JASON STATHAM

Uh... Spidey-Sense? That's a real thing, right?

CATHERINE CHAN

Wait, so you don't lift a single finger to hurt the guys who killed your wife but you kill a shitload of guys to save a girl you didn't know 30 seconds ago?

JASON STATHAM

Look, do you want to get rescued or not?

CATHERINE CHAN

NOT!

CATHERINE RUNS AWAY and is immediately KIDNAPPED AGAIN by CROOKED COPS.

CROOKED COPS

Ha ha! We work for James Hong! He will pay us handsomely for... Say, is that the tread of a shoe coming at us at Mach 10?

IT IS INDEED. JASON rips the SPINES out of the CROOKED COPS using his WISDOM TEETH and NOTHING ELSE.

JASON STATHAM

Okay Catherine, I just rescued you twice and killed a bunch of cops in order to protect you. Trust me now?

CATHERINE CHAN

Did you just steal the wallets of the people you killed?

JASON STATHAM

Well yeah. I need to buy a snazzy ass-kicking suit. Nothing says "Jason Statham movie" like kicking people in the face while wearing Armani.

INT. HOTEL

JASON STATHAM

Me and the girl would like a hotel room.

DESK CLERK

Um, she doesn't look like your daughter.

JASON STATHAM

Of course not, she's just some underaged girl I met on the street and who I lured into a car and who I now plan to share a hotel room with, what's the big deal... oh, wait, no no no no, it's not what you think. This is completely innocent. Just because a guy takes a young Asian Girl up to his room doesn't make him a dirty old pervert.

WOODY ALLEN

That's what I keep saying!

Then REGGIE LEE and his gang of ASIAN CARICATURES arrive.

REGGIE LEE

I should find out where Jason and Catherine are as quickly and quietly as possible and without drawing any unwanted attention to myself or my Gang of Asian Caricature by not pulling out my gun and shooting innocent white people.

Take a wild guess as to WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.

JASON and CATHERINE run and encounter some ASIAN BADGUYS.

ASIAN BADGUYS

Hey Jason, we're pretty hungry. You got anything for us to eat?

JASON STATHAM

Just these bullet sandwiches!

The ASIAN BADGUYS eat the BULLET SANDWICHES and die from LEAD POISONING, such is common with eating BULLET SANDWICHES.

JASON STATHAM

Catherine! Stay close to me and I'll get you out of here... Hey, what the hell are you doing standing over by Reggie?

CATHERINE CHAN

Getting kidnapped! AGAIN! Aside from "good at math" this seems to be my only other character trait!

REGGIE LEE

Ha ha! Now that I have Catherine I shall kill you, Jason! We're five stories up and all the exits are blocked! There is no escape! Ha ha!

ASIAN HENCHMAN

Wait, did you say we're five stories up? Because I am terrified of heights! Also I have a reoccurring nightmare about falling out of a window and being used to break some bald British guy's fall!

JASON STATHAM

Then the next 5 seconds are really going to suck for you!

JASON uses the HENCHMAN as an AIR MATTRESS and ESCAPES because CONCUSSIONS know better than to fuck with JASON STATHAM.

Meanwhile REGGIE takes CATHERINE back to JAMES HONG.

JAMES HONG

Did you tell anybody the McGuffin Number?

CATHERINE CHAN

No, it's safe.

JAMES HONG

SAFE?! HOW DID YOU KNOW THE MCGUFFIN NUMBER PERTAINS TO A SAFE?!

CATHERINE CHAN

I didn't, I just...

JAMES HONG

Oh great! Now I have to call Evil Mayor Chris Sarandon who I am in cahoots with!

EVIL MAYOR CHRIS SARANDON

Wait wait wait wait, Jason Statham's involved in this?! He was an ex-crooked-cop slash Assassin slash Crusher of Men's Souls! In order to stop him from foiling our evil criminal enterprise I must call in someone even more badass: Anson Mount!

JAMES HONG AND THE AUDIENCE

Who?

EVIL MAYOR CHRIS SARANDON

Trust me, he's good.

JAMES HONG AND THE AUDIENCE

But we've never even heard of this guy before--

EVIL MAYOR CHRIS SARANDON

I SAID HE'S GOOD! NOW SHUT UP ABOUT IT!

Meanwhile, the TREAD of JASON'S SHOE leaves its mark on the ASSES of more RUSSIAN BADGUYS and JASON kidnaps JOSEPH SIKORA, who is the son of RUSSIAN BOSS.

JOSEPH SIKORA

Let me get this straight, so you're not just a cage fighter, you're also some kind of super badass mob assassin who used to be a crooked cop? AND YOU SPEAK RUSSIAN?!?! This has to be the most ridiculous character you've ever played.

JASON STATHAM

You forgot about "The Mechanic"

JOSEPH SIKORA

Can you blame me?

JASON uses JOSEPH SIKORA to setup a meeting with CROOKED COP ROBERT JOHN BURKE who is WORKING FOR and SCREWING OVER both THE RUSSIANS and THE TRIAD.

JASON STATHAM

The McGuffin Number opens a Triad safe. I need you and your band of crooked cops to get to it.

ROBERT JOHN BURKE

But the McGuffin Number is like 10 pages long! Don't tell me your ridiculous set of skills also includes remembering things that can't be used to crush mens bones into dust!

JASON STATHAM

Actually, I figured out every other number in the McGuffin Number is the combination to the Triad Safe.

ROBERT JOHN BURKE

Then why the hell would James Hong go through all this trouble to kidnap a little girl and make her memorize the number instead of just remembering it his damn self?

JASON STATHAM

Are you seriously trying to make sense of a Jason Statham movie? It would be like trying to make sense of Robocop 3. I mean a fucking jetpack? And NinjaBots with swords? Only a total dumbass would agree to star in...

ROBERT JOHN BURKE

(seething with intense anger)

JASON STATHAM

Yeah... Let's just go rob the safe now, mate.

JASON, ROBERT and the DIRTY COPS wreck a bunch of TRIAD BADGUYS.

Then JASON DOUBLE-CROSSES ROBERT by wrecking the DIRTY COPS and stealing all the DIRTY TRIAD MONEY.

ROBERT JOHN BURKE

(bleeding to death)

Joke's on you Jason! We only brought one bag! All that money will never fit into it!

JASON STATHAM

Yes it will.

ROBERT JOHN BURKE

No it won't. It's physically impossible to fit all that money into a single bag!

JASON STATHAM

Hey money, if you don't fit into this bag I will fucking rip the Benjamin Franklins off of each and every one of you. Slowly.

MONEY

(scared shitless)

Yes, Mr. Statham. Whatever you say, Mr. Statham.

(magically fits into the small bag)

EXT. THE DOCKS (BECAUSE EVERY MOVIE WITH DIRTY COPS NEEDS A SCENE AT THE DOCKS)

JASON meets with his arch nemesis ANSON MOUNT, who is holding CATHERINE hostage.

ANSON MOUNT

At last we meet again.

JASON STATHAM

Again? Do I know you?

ANSON MOUNT

Yes! We were once best buddies! Or partners! Or something! The fact is we know each other and I am your equal!

JASON STATHAM

(stares really hard at ANSON)

I'll be honest mate, I have never heard of you or seen you before in my entire life. I mean you kinda look like a manlier, more ruggedly handsomer version of Cillian Murphy but that's about it.

ANSON MOUNT

Well Jason, it is time for the big climactic final fight! The two of us, both seasoned killers and titans in the art of ass kickery! This will surely be an epic battle action fans will talk about for yours to come! Just give me a moment to put down my gun--

(is shot in THE FACE)

CATHERINE CHAN

(scrolling through Webster's Dictionary)

"An·ti·cli·mac·tic., adjective; 1. this scene." Yup, thought so.

JASON STATHAM

So I've rescued you again and we have all the money. Roll credits!

CATHERINE CHAN

Wait, what about Evil Mayor Chris Sarandon and Robert John Burke? Someone needs to stop them!

JASON STATHAM

Not my problem.

CATHERINE CHAN

But what about the Russian Boss and James Hong? They are still alive too!

JASON STATHAM

Also not my problem.

CATHERINE CHAN

But what about Joseph Sikora who killed your wife? You're just going to let him live?!

JASON STATHAM

All this death and murder has humbled me... or maybe all these loose ends will be resolved in the sequel!

CATHERINE CHAN

(uses MATH to calculate the odds of there being a sequel...)

(brain EXPLODES)

JASON STATHAM

Ha! And they said I could never kill someone with math! That will teach you to doubt the power of Jason Statham!

(tread of shoe flies at AUDIENCE at MACH 11!)

END