FADE IN:

INT. FILM STUDIO

PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER has many tubes coming out of his body, all of which go into a large metal bucket.

PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER

OH FUCK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME!?

DIRECTOR DOMINIC SENA

Muahaha, all of the testosterone is being drained from your body into my Testosterator(tm)!

PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER

NOT COOL, BRO! NOT COOL!

DIRECTOR DOMINIC SENA

(cackling)

Once all of your testosterone is depleted, I shall condense the liquid into a thin solid, punch holes in the sides, put it in a can, and send it to all of the major theaters!

PRODUCER JERRY BRUCKHEIMER

(faints)

DIRECTOR DOMINIC SENA

(switching machine to Full Blast)

Your testosterone will be totally gone in sixty seconds. Oh, hey, I think I just thought of a title.

EXT. GO-CART PLACE

NICOLAS CAGE is showing children how to race go-carts.

NICOLAS CAGE

Always remember, kids, if you ride on your opponents ass long enough, they will eventually swerve. When they do, you can push them at an angle into a wall.

SOME DUDE

Hey, can we talk for a moment?

NICOLAS CAGE

Sure, as long as I can stare at you with my half-closed-eyes, bored look.

SOME DUDE

Your brother was involved with a car boost. He fucked up. He fucked up bad. Come with me to the evil stereotype villain's place and watch your brother get crushed to death.

INT. GRITTY, INDUSTRIAL LOCATION

EVIL BAD GUY

If you don't steal some cars for me, your brother dies.

NICOLAS CAGE

I love my brother! In fact, I sacrificed my career for him! That's how much I love him! I'd steal 30 cars if it meant he'd be safe!

EVIL BAD GUY

I need 50. I also want to hit you now and piss on your great aunt's grave. I'm very evil. In fact, I am virtually emotionless.

INT. GRITTY, INDUSTRIAL GIOVANNI RIBISI'S HOUSE

GIOVANNI RIBISI

Bro. Thanks for saving my ass.

NICOLAS CAGE

What the fuck is wrong with your mouth? I've known you your whole life and I can't pinpoint what it is. Do you not open it enough or something?

GIOVANNI RIBISI

Let's steal some cars. Loudly.

NICOLAS CAGE

Okay, but remember that stealing cars is wrong and I'm only willing to screw over these fifty people so that your useless ass can continue existing for no purpose in this world. I'm sure those fifty people would understand that I need to steal their cars so that you won't have to skip town.

ROBERT DUVALL

You whipper-snappers. I'm old! OLD! But I can steal cars! Actually, I can give them nicknames and cross them off a chalkboard. You'll need more of a crew.

FAT BLACK COMIC RELIEF

I can steal cars while making awkward racial jokes and eating hamburgers.

THIN BLACK COMIC RELIEF

I can steal cars while making awkward racial jokes and spouting off lots of attitude.

BIG WHITE GUY

I can steal cars while filling up screen time and being intimidating.

COMPUTER GEEK

I like Linux.

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

I'm hot. My hair is dirty. I'm edgy. Have sex with me in the back of a stolen car. I like to be on top.

NICOLAS CAGE

Later. Let's steal some cars. By the way, don't be caught by obsessed police detective Delroy Lindo.

MALE AUDIENCE

STEAL SOME FUCKING CARS ALREADY!

We suddenly see thousands of sports cars, gleaming.

MALE AUDIENCE

Yeah! I enjoy cars! This rocks!

The car commercial..er..movie continues as many cars are stolen. There are no actual car chases.

DELROY LINDO

I am watching. I will catch Nicolas Cage.

(pause)

Damn, I missed him.

(pause)

Damn, I missed him again.

(pause)

Shit, I suck at this.

Cars are formulaically stolen in ways that rely not on the skills of the thieves but on the outrageous stupidity of other people including police officers. Eventually ONE CAR REMAINS. CAGE'S FAVORITE CAR.

NICOLAS CAGE

I am now in this very old car that car lovers will enjoy looking at.

The penises of the members of the audience all grow twelve inches as NICOLAS speeds out of the garage and is chased by COPS. He reaches almost two hundred miles per hour.

MALE AUDIENCE

I need a mustang. You never know when you may need to evade police at two hundred miles per hour. I also want a mistress half my age. Where's my Rogaine?

NICOLAS makes an absurd leap over traffic and gets away from the police. He turns the beat-up mustang in.

EVIL BAD GUY

I'm evil, so I won't accept this car. In fact, I will crush it, smack you in the face, and kill your brother.

NICOLAS runs away and the EVIL BAD GUY chases him until he happens upon DELROY.

DELROY LINDO

I'm a cop. Don't shoot me.

EVIL BAD GUY

But I'm evil. I think I am obliged to kill you.

NICOLAS shoves the EVIL BAD GUY over a rail. He falls and DIES.

DELROY LINDO

You saved me, Harrison Ford.. er..Nicolas Cage.

NICOLAS CAGE

Are you going to haul me in?

DELROY LINDO

No. I understand.

(somehow with a straight face)

A brother's love is... a brother's love. I can totally understand you ripping this city apart so that your useless waste-of-flesh brother can exist peacefully.

NICOLAS CAGE

Cool.

DELROY LINDO

My career as an actor is over.

ANGELINA JOLIE'S LIPS

Hey! I'm still in the movie! Remember me? Let's kiss.

NICOLAS CAGE

(kissing her)

I hope we can overcome those vague relationship difficulties we glossed over at some point during the movie. Let's have sex while using lots of absurd car innuendo. Suck my stick shift.

END