FADE IN:

INT. REESE WITHERSPOON’S HOUSE

REESE WITHERSPOON walks into the kitchen where her father WILLIAM PETERSON and stepmother AMY BRENNEMAN are having breakfast.

WILLIAM PETERSON

Why the hell are you dressed like the To Catch a Predator decoy?

REESE WITHERSPOON

Whatever do you mean?

AMY BRENNEMAN

It’s just a super short floral dress, which is perfectly fine since schools in movies don't have dress codes.

WILLIAM PETERSON

Well why add the Mary Jane’s and those socks with the frills at the top? This is seriously disturbing.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Oh Dad. I’m just just trying to assert my own independence and autonomy. And I'm just going to school, it’s not like I’m going to a bar to pick up a raging asshole or anything.

REESE WITHERSPOON goes to the Raging Asshole Bar with her friends ALYSSA MILANO and CHRISTOPHER GRAY.

INT. RAGING ASSHOLE BAR

CHRISTOPHER GRAY

I’m so glad we’re here so that we can say we came and FACTOR IN THE RISIDUAL COOLNESS.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Did you just say that?

ALYSSA MILANO

He really said that.

CHRISTOPHER GRAY

I actually said that.

REESE WITHERSPOON

I hope you die somehow.

ALYSSA and REESE spot raging assholes, MARK WAHLBERG and a HIDEOUS LOOKING MAN playing pool.

ALYSSA MILANO

That guy who looks like a giant yeast infection is mine.

REESE WITHERSPOON

And I’ll take the one who looks like he emanates hatred.

ALYSSA MILANO

I should now mention that I totally get why women might want to pose naked in magazines because I think it would be dynamite to be the object of so much male desire.

REESE WITHERSPOON

There is a conversation to be had here, but I feel like we are just setting up the audience to not care so much about the horrible and unjustifiable things that will happen to you later.

ALYSSA and REESE go to a party where they meet MARK and YEAST INFECTION. YEAST headbutts a guy and a riot breaks out. MARK rushes REESE to safety in an amazing feat of bravado and gentleness. And then he takes her parking to a secluded place.

MARK WAHLBERG

I drive this car because it could spontaneously explode. True story.

REESE WITHERSPOON

So you play pool in bars in the middle of a weekday so your job situation is questionable, you attend really dangerous parties, hang out with really shady characters, and you sought out a car to drive because it might kill you at random. You are a dreamboat so I'm going to unload all my teenage problems on you in whispers and doe eyed stares. My parents divorced when I was nine.

MARK WAHLBERG

How unusual. That must have been really hard for you.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Wow you really get me.

MARK awkwardly sucks REESE'S cheek.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Whoa there stallion. I'm a virgin and I'm painfully shy about that.

MARK WAHLBERG

Sweeeeeet- I mean. Oh that's okay babe. We can take things slow. And by "slow" I mean about the next 30 minutes.

EXT. ALL OF SEATTLE

MARK and REESE make out all over Seattle while BUSH plays over and over. And then MARK finger bangs REESE on a roller coaster which could not possibly be as enjoyable as REESE makes it look but nevertheless REESE, the ROLLER COASTER, and the movie's IDIOCY reach their climax.

WILLIAM PETERSON

Well nothing like the time when your daughter is dating some older, lying, car exploding tool to take a trip out of the country.

AMY BRENNEMAN

I'll go too. Reese, look after your little brother, order pizza, watch movies, and give your creepy boyfriend the security code to the house.

WILLIAM PETERSON

And when he uses it to come into the house in the middle of the night to have sex with you for the very first time, have him strip naked and take the covers off of you before you are conscious.

REESE WITHERSPOON

And then let him order the cherry right out of my muffin by saying he loves me? Will do!

All of this happens.

EXT. SCHOOL

REESE and CHRISTOPHER talk about REESE losing her virginity while they wait for MARK to pick her up in his POSSIBLY EXPLODING CAR.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Yeah, well you know he's a good guy...

CHRISTOPHER GRAY

Good for you! Let's hug!

They hug and MARK shows up and beats the ever loving shit out of him and punches REESE in the eye. Later, REESE very wisely avoids MARK while MARK sulks in his room which is in a crack den and he has cheesy photo booth pictures of REESE on his wall right next to a crucifix and his mug shot. Because who DOESN'T keep their own mug shot on their wall?

EXT. ALYSSA'S HOUSE

REESE and ALYSSA talk about boys while doing each other's toenails.

ALYSSA MILANO

(actual line)

He hit you? Sometimes that's just their asshole way of showing they love you.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Listen, Alyssa. We need to talk about some of your alarmingly dangerous ideas and this guy Yeast you've been going out with... HAHA no I'm kidding. I'm just concerned about me.

YEAST and MARK show up while REESE tries to leave.

MARK WAHLBERG

REESE! NO don't go! Let me explain. You see I love you so much that I would do anything for you and I would KILL. ANY. MOTHERFUCKING. GUY. WHO. WOULD EVER. HURT YOU!

REESE WITHERSPOON

Gosh that is so fucking sweet. You've won me over.

WILLIAM is not happy about this so he follows MARK and tells him to stay away from REESE while insulting him, which is totally a foolproof plan. After he leaves MARK beats his own chest repeatedly. And it is amazing.

INT. REESE'S HOUSE

REESE confronts WILLIAM about beating up MARK.

WILLIAM PETERSON

What the shit? I beat up Mark Wahlberg? Seriously? JESUS WHY DOES BUSH KEEP PLAYING FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST?!?! But no I did not beat up Mark Wahlberg.

REESE runs away and makes sweet love to MARK in his death car. He leaves but she decides to surprise MARK at his crack house where she finds ALYSSA getting nailed by YEAST who is smoking a CRACK PIPE which looks really fucking RUDE. Then MARK forces ALYSSA up and carries her away which looks a lot like RAPE. REESE calls the police/tells her parents just kidding no, she just cries and goes to bed.

INT. REESE'S SCHOOL

REESE and CHRISTOPHER have lunch while REESE looks pathetic.

CHRISTOPHER GREY

Well Alyssa called in sick.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Because she is recovering from trauma, just kidding I mean good for her that sick bitch. Anyway about me, I'm breaking up with Mark.

CHRISTOPHER GRAY

Oh good because here he comes. In a high school cafeteria, where he does not attend. How does this keep happening? Most schools were pretty strict about this, even in the 90's.

REESE WITHERSPOON

You would think they would really increase that effort after this same guy beat the fuck out of you on its campus. But whatever, let the dramatic cafeteria scene commence.

INT. REESE'S HOUSE

ALYSSA tries to reach out to REESE who is ignoring her because she is the worst friend on the planet.

ALYSSA MILANO

So you were okay being friends with me when my decadent lifestyle was consensual, but when you witnessed me being forced, you want me out of your life? I think you might have that mixed up a little.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Well that's the way it is you disgusting pig. I hope something terrible happens to you so that all of your previous skanky ways will be atoned for so you will be properly punished.

MARK attacks ALYSSA on the way home with his explosion car and completely terrifies her. The next day, MARK watches CHRISTOPHER skip home and murders him. And then he stalks REESE all over Seattle. Meanwhile, WILLIAM tears apart YEAST and MARK'S crack den and they are NOT HAPPY about it so they KILL the MOTHER FUCKING FAMILY DOG. THOSE. SICK. BASTARDS.

ALYSSA MILANO

And I'm here to report that Christopher is dead. I'll also just stand by and wait for your apology Reese, oh no? Okay then.

MARK, YEAST and CRACKHEADS invade the house. They all die after a lengthy house fight.

ALYSSA MILANO

Ahem. I'm glad we're all okay, but I feel like we have a lot of talking to do and you have some apologizing to do. And then maybe we can end this movie on a note about the importance of female companionship, especially after they have been assaulted and we can grow and heal based on our newfound love and mutual respect.

REESE WITHERSPOON

Nope. You can just serve as a terrifying reminder to all of the girls who may have watched this in the 90's that being skanky may mean you will be completely traumatized, almost murdered, and then hated by your best friend.

EXPLODING CAR

What the fuck! I fucking randomly explode and I didn't even get to?! Man fuck all of you!

END