"Ah this is nice, I can brutally gun down criminals AND release the knot in my back, at the same time!"

HARD BOILED

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. SMOOTH JAZZ BAR, THE NATURAL STARTING POINT FOR A NO-HOLDS-BARRED ADRENALINE-FUELLED THRILL RIDE

CHOW YUN-FAT pours himself some STRAIGHT-UP GODDAMN TEQUILA and cuts it with SCHWEPPES CLUB FUCKING SODA and then MANFULLY SLAMS THE GLASS TO MIX THE FUCK OUT OF THEM before picking up his NITRO-INJECTED CLARINET to play some HIGH-OCTANE SMOOTH MOTHERFUCKING JAZZ.

CHOW YUN-FAT

Thank you, thank you. For our next number, my drummer and I are gonna do a big huge illegal-gun bust, because we're also cops. But not the kind that do bullshit like "final checks and preparations for our big huge illegal-gun bust". That's for lameoid sunny-side-up cops.

They WRAP UP THE SHOW and then casually strut over to their massively important sensitive police operation.

INT. LONG SWEEPING COMPREHENSIVE SHOT OF TEAHOUSE-RESTAURANT, I.E. HOW JOHN WOO SIGNALS PUTTING A BIG HUGE FUCKING BULLSEYE ON A PARTICULAR SET, ENJOY EVERYTHING BEING INTACT WHILE YOU CAN FELLAS

CHOW and his PARTNER arrive at the TEA HOUSE and get their LIVE CAGED BIRDS so they can sit down with everyone else and their LIVE CAGED BIRDS, because this is what people did before POKEMON.

PARTNER

I can't wait for immediately after this bust, where I'll go home to my wife and kid and giant pile of reasons to live. Yep.

CHOW YUN-FAT

Now we wait for those bad guys to do their illegal gun sale. And I can keep watch using this super sneaky mirror I put on MY bird cage, heh heh.

PARTNER

Or we could taken a different table where we could BOTH see the bad guys without glare from a mirror tipping them off, but okay.

CHOW YUN-FAT

They're making the exchange, time to move in! Since we're in a crowded public place full of bystanders we should do this as quietly and calmly as possible, so I'll start by BASHING THIS GUY'S FUCKING FACE WITH A HOT KETTLE OH YEAHHH FREEZE ASSHOLES WE'RE THE FUCKING COPS

The bad guys OPEN FIRE!! CHOW and PARTNER and OTHER COPS shoot back!! All kinds of VIOLENCE busts out and LARGE CROWDS OF INNOCENT PATRONS GET MOWED THE FUCK DOWN!

CHOW YUN-FAT

Okay, but, check out this nifty railing trick! Pretty cool huh? Therefore I am still the hero.

PARTNER

(shot once)

Ouch, I got tagged! Well my extended loving family wouldn't want me to quit now, so-

(shot 5000 times)

Argghh!! I hear the sweet saxophone of death, calling me...

(dies)

CHOW YUN-FAT

NOOOOO!! Must avenge partner, but this stage boss has so many bullets! How to...

(light bulb)

The stack of bulletproof flour! Of course!

CHOW leaps through a cloud of the BULLETPROOF FLOUR allowing him to EXECUTE the STAGE BOSS, and also giving him a head-start on the MAKEUP for his KABUKI THEATRE SHOW later that night!

CHOW YUN-FAT

Look, I have a very busy schedule, gotta save time where I can.

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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