FADE IN:

INT - JEFF BRIDGES MANSION - DAY

ALBERT BROOKS are JEFF BRIDGES are sitting outside on the patio. The AUDIENCE waits for ONE GOOD JOKE.

ALBERT BROOKS

My writing is in the toilet!

AUDIENCE

Like this movie.

ALBERT BROOKS

I don't know what to do.

JEFF BRIDGES

What I think you need is a Muse.

ALBERT BROOKS

Really? That sounds kind of corny.

AUDIENCE

It sure does.

JEFF BRIDGES

She won't really like you, have sex with you, or think you're interesting. But she'll suck you dry.

ALBERT BROOKS

What?

JEFF BRIDGES

I mean inspire you.

ALBERT BROOKS

That sounds like a great idea!

JEFF BRIDGES

I'll set up a meeting with her for you.

INT - GUEST HOUSE - DAY

SHARON STONE and ALBERT BROOKS are seated in the living room. The room is full of expensive boxes. The AUDIENCE is still waiting for ONE GOOD JOKE.

SHARON STONE

I actually do nothing for you but make you take me places and spend all of your money.

ALBERT BROOKS

And this will help my writing?

AUDIENCE

No.

SHARON STONE

That answer will cost you one month residence at a four star hotel.

ALBERT BROOKS hooks SHARON STONE up at a Ritzy hotel and BLOWS his life savings.

ALBERT BROOKS

Is this helping my writing?

SHARON STONE

How the hell should I know?

ALBERT BROOKS

You're the best.

INT - ALBERT BROOKS HOUSE - DAY

ANDIE MACDOWELL

Since you not using her for sex, how about we just let your muse just stay here with us.

ALBERT BROOKS

Will this help my writing?

ANDIE MACDOWELL

You write?

Then, having no relevance to anywhere in the story, SHARON STONE convinces ANDIE MACDOWELL to make cookies. ANDIE MACDOWELL then sells a lot of them to WOLFGANG PUCK who tries them and then rubs them on his ASS, making her famous in only ONE WEEK, making ALBERT BROOKS's 17 year writing career TOTALLY USELESS.

The AUDIENCE stays because they want their ONE, EIGHT DOLLAR, JOKE.

ALBERT BROOKS

I haven't written anything yet! I need your help!

SHARON STONE

Well, there's always online courses and practice exercises you can take to help you come up with ideas...

ALBERT BROOKS

I don't have time for that!

SHARON STONE

Then I guess you should go to the local Sea Aquarium.

ALBERT BROOKS goes to the sea aquarium and in less than FOUR SECOND has figured out an ENTIRE MOVIE SCRIPT that we never see him write.

He rushes back to his house.

INT - ALBERT BROOKS HOUSE - DAY

ALBERT BROOKS

Honey, I've got my script. Now everything is great again.

ANDIE MACDOWELL

Shut up! Can't you see I'm working on my new Coke Smacked Cookie recipe.

A doorbell rings. Enter DAKIN MATTHEWS and CONCETTA TOMEI.

DAKIN MATTHEWS

We are psychologists. Your Muse has escaped from our asylum. We have come to take her back.

ALBERT BROOKS

Do you have ID?

DAKIN MATTHEWS

No.

ALBERT BROOKS

What school did you graduate from?

DAKIN MATTHEWS

We don't know.

ALBERT BROOKS

Are you licensed practitioners?

DAKIN MATTHEWS

We can't answer that question.

ALBERT BROOKS

You sound pretty tootin' to me! Go ahead and get her.

They go to look for her, but she is gone and no one cares.

INT - STUDIO OFFICE - DAY

SECRETARY

We heard the script you never really wrote is hot!

ALBERT BROOKS

Yeah, I'm cookin' again.

All of a sudden, an office door opens and it's a made- over SHARON STONE.

SHARON STONE

Now, you will have to give me everything you have so that I won't tell everyone that you are a no talent hack!

The movie fades out, the credits roll, the AUDIENCE leaves crying.

END