FADE IN:

INT. HOME OF AUTHOR E.L. JAMES

THE WOMAN TO BLAME FOR ALL THIS reads REVIEWS of the FIRST MOVIE.

AUTHOR E.L. JAMES

25% on the Tomatometer? Oh, this won't do. Darling, you'll have to write the script for the sequel.

SCREENWRITER/HUSBAND NIALL LEONARD

Erika, I promised to "love, honour and cherish." I never said "bring about the destruction of the written word." I trust you'll find an excellent screenwriter who -

AUTHOR E.L. JAMES

DON'T MAKE ME BELT YOU.

SCREENWRITER/HUSBAND NIALL LEONARD

yes ma'am

INT. PHOTOGRAPHY EXHIBIT

VICTOR RASUK greets DAKOTA JOHNSON.

VICTOR RASUK

Hey Dakota! I'm glad we've moved past me trying to grope you when you were blackout drunk. Check out these giant photos of you!

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Shouldn't I have signed a release form letting you exhibit these?

VICTOR RASUK

Nobody cares about your consent. Ever. Besides, this series has had enough paperwork.

JAMIE DORNAN shows up.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Jamie. You're looking punchable this evening.

(looks into camera)

Don't get your hopes up.

JAMIE DORNAN

I want you back, Dakota. You're the only woman on Earth whose vagina is special enough to de-torture my soul.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Like every abused woman in history hasn't thought that only to get a good hard dose of reality days later. Fuck you with a rusty, corroded spork. Sure. But no more kinky funtimes.

JAMIE DORNAN

The absence of kinky funtimes will make this movie twice as worthless, but I'll do it for you, my dead-eyed, flat-voiced angel. Please accept this brand-new iPhone 7 with water resistance and immersive stereo speakers as a token of my affection.

EXT. DAKOTA'S WORKPLACE

Having changed her RELATIONSHIP STATUS from SINGLE to IT'S CODEPENDENT, DAKOTA skips merrily to work, only to be confronted by BELLA HEATHCOTE.

BELLA HEATHCOTE

SEVEN DAAAAAAYS.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

What?

BELLA HEATHCOTE

SEVEN DAAAAAAYS IS HOW LONG IT'LL TAKE BEFORE MY PRESENCE IN THIS MOVIE PAYS OOOOOOOOFF.

She disappears. DAKOTA greets her boss, EVIL MCDOUCHE.

EVIL MCDOUCHE

As the third man in this series to be obsessed with you, allow me to barely pretend to give half a shit about your career while eyeing you the way a pre-menstrual woman eyes the brownie tray.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Fuck's sake, there are bosses in early 90s sex thrillers who are smoother harassers than you. Um, well, uh...

JAMIE DORNAN

HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAAAAAAAAKOTA!

He hustles her into his BACKSEAT.

JAMIE DORNAN

I don't approve of a man other than me finding you attractive. I should buy your company.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

NO, Jamie. I'm a Strong Independent Woman™ and I won't let anything creepy happen in our relationship.

Then she finds out about his CRAZY STALKER EX.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

What?

And the incredibly detailed and invasive DOSSIERS he's compiled on his SEX SLAVES, HER included.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Really?

And the BUSINESS he co-owns with his RAPIST.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Seriously?!

And his ATTRACTION to SCARED, PASSIVE WOMEN WHO LOOK LIKE MOMMY.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU?!?!?!?!?!

JAMIE DORNAN

Be reasonable, Dakota! How did I know I would like you enough to agree not to turn your ass into polyvinyl?

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Give me one reason I shouldn't march out of here and report you to every authority imaginable!

JAMIE DORNAN

(drops pants)

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Oh, right.

They have SEX, YADA YADA YADA.

EXT. SOME UNHOLY COMBINATION OF MOULIN ROUGE, THE PURPLE WEDDING AND EYES WIDE SHUT

JAMIE and DAKOTA arrive and have SEX, BLAH BLAH BLAH, about FIVE MINUTES in. Then KIM BASINGER accosts DAKOTA.

KIM BASINGER

Dakota, you're far too much of a Strong Independent Woman™ for Jamie. He needs a woman as confused and vulnerable as he was when I got my mitts on him. But you? You paid for breakfast that one time!

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Too bad I look drop-dead gorgeous and you're dressed like Satan's cater waiter.

KIM BASINGER

Oh, honey, don't get into a narcissistic twat-off with me. You'll lose every time. Jamie, give me a call if this one isn't down for an ice cubing.

JAMIE'S MOTORCADE takes them home, where they find DAKOTA'S CAR covered in PAINT.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Looks like we've got a mystery on our hands. Could it be the older woman who desperately wants to bang you?

JAMIE DORNAN

Or could it be the older MAN who desperately wants to bang YOU?

DAKOTA JOHNSON

OR could it be the crazy woman who desperately wants to kill me and bang you, not necessarily in that order?

JAMIE DORNAN

OR could it be Old Man Jenkins trying to get my chest of Spanish doubloons? Meh, whatever. Did I mention I have a yacht?

He HAS A YACHT.

INT. MORE GODDAMN TEXTING

JAMIE gets a text from DAKOTA while his RIGHT-HAND BLACK LADY does all the WORK.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

have 2 go 2 nyc w/ boss

JAMIE DORNAN

:(

DAKOTA JOHNSON

sry will skip

JAMIE DORNAN

:D

DAKOTA enters EVIL MCDOUCHE'S EVIL LAIR OF EVILDOM.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Mr. McDouche, I'm afraid I can't accompany you to the industry event that, as your assistant, I'd be expected to attend. You're only slightly less creepy than my boyfriend, but he has a yacht.

EVIL MCDOUCHE

A pity. I thought you were too much of a Strong Independent Woman™ to let a man fuck you to death in his penthouse. You should let ME fuck you to death. IN AN OFFICE.

DAKOTA awesomely knees him in the SACK and runs away. The next day, she pulls ONE IDEA out of her ASS and gets HIS JOB as a SENIOR EDITOR.

MILLIONS OF BARISTAS WITH MASTER'S DEGREES

(slit wrists in unison)

INT. RESTAURANT

JAMIE and DAKOTA drink WINE while JESS M. drinks ALL THE WINE.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Jamie, are you SURE you're not responsible for my unrealistically lucky break? I mean, the CEO's your friend and fired McDouche on your command...

JAMIE DORNAN

Nope. It was that completely obvious idea you had to publish authors with lots of online fans. I bet that one author you named will become a worldwide phenomenon with a three-picture movie deal and thousands of thinkpieces.

MILLIONS OF 30-SOMETHING DUDES IN STARBUCKS WITH THEIR LAPTOPS

(drink bleach in unison)

JAMIE DORNAN

So, move in with me?

DAKOTA JOHNSON

A week after getting back together? Well, we're basically running on autopilot at this point, so why not?

They get into the ELEVATOR and FINGERBANG, BANG, BANG, FINGERBANG-BANG, BANG BANG BANG.

INT. DAKOTA'S APARTMENT

DAKOTA prepares to move in by packing up her TOOTHBRUSH, then finds BELLA standing behind her.

BELLA HEATHCOTE

I'M SO JEALOUS BECAUSE YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT AND MASTER LOVES YOOOOUUUU.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

No, I'm not! I swear I'm just as pale and lifeless and insignificant as you!

(pauses)

Wait, I actually am. Shit.

JAMIE bursts in.

JAMIE DORNAN

You will obey me.

BELLA HEATHCOTE

OK I KNOW I CALLED YOU "MASTER" LIKE 10 SECONDS AGO BUT THAT'S A BIT MUUUUUUCH.

JAMIE DORNAN

You WILL obey me.

BELLA gets on her KNEES.

JAMIE DORNAN

Dakota, I order you to leave your own apartment while I privately comfort the woman who would gladly let me put a large parsnip in her.

Furious, DAKOTA walks around for THREE HOURS before going back to HER APARTMENT and never speaking to JAMIE again HIS APARTMENT.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

NOT COOL.

JAMIE DORNAN

NO! Don't get mad! You can touch my stomach now!

DAKOTA JOHNSON

OK, it's cool.

JAMIE DORNAN

Now marry me!

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Well, I definitely need to mull THAT over... Kidding! I will happily spend the rest of my life looking mildly distressed for a few seconds before just accepting every new thing you throw at me!

JAMIE prays she doesn't find out about the CLOWN CORPSES in his STORAGE LOCKER. Then they have SEX, ETC., ETC.

INT. POINTLESS PADDING SCENE TIME

JAMIE gets into a HELICOPTER ACCIDENT and DAKOTA worries with his FAMILY but he's JUST FINE and all this is introduced and resolved in LESS TIME than it's taking you to read THIS SENTENCE. And then they have SLIGHTLY KINKY SEX, YACKETY SHMACKETY.

A DOZEN OR SO CREW MEMBERS

(dive into volcano in unison)

INT. JAMIE'S SUPER SWEET 28

JAMIE calls the room to ATTENTION.

JAMIE DORNAN

Everyone, I would like to announce that this lovely young invertebrate has agreed to become my indentured Real Doll.

EVERYONE applauds, except KIM.

KIM BASINGER

How DARE you refuse to heed the warnings of the woman who introduced your groom-to-be to sadomasochism before he could legally consent to a handjob! You'll rue this day, I swear it!

JAMIE DORNAN

FUCK OFF, WHORE!

DAKOTA JOHNSON

(throws a martini in her face)

MARCIA GAY HARDEN

(slaps her)

Unfortunately, nobody pushes KIM into a FOUNTAIN. She coldly rearranges her GIANT BLOND HAIRDO and storms off.

JAMIE DORNAN

So, that happened. Dakota, I can think of no better ending for this movie than a more elaborate proposal. Will you accept this small light bulb attached to a washer?

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Oh, Jamie, there's literally nothing I wouldn't take from you! Believe me, you've tried!

JAMIE DORNAN

And with every one of our problems tied up in a neat little bow, our story is over and we can leave before either of us gets typecast forever!

A leather-clad, chain-smoking EVIL MCDOUCHE watches from afar, setting up FIFTY SHADES 3: BEYOND THUNDERDOMINANT!

END