FADE IN:

EXT. OPENING TITLES THAT INCLUDES A "MUSIC BY PHILIP GLASS" CREDIT AS IF WE DIDN'T IMMEDIATELY FIGURE THAT OUT

We pan across the city of Chicago from high above, the tiny people below looking like so many busy bees-

DIRECTOR BERNARD ROSE

BEES DID SOMEONE SAY BEES LOOK AT ALL THE BEEEEEEEEEEEEES

(fills screen with bees!!)

TONY TODD (V/O)

Oh yes, this movie will have bees. That, and my signature awesome voice, super-juiced by enhanced subwoofery, not like I need it. Buckle up kids, nothing can prepare you for... CANDYMAN!! BWAH HA HA HA anyway, see you in... oh, an hour or so.

INT. UNIVERSITY

Grad students VIRGINIA MADSEN and KASI LEMMONS are researching a thesis into urban myths and such, by conducting INTERVIEWS.

INTERVIEWEE

You've never heard a story THIS scary. So there was this teenaged girl, and one fateful night, she decided to hook up with... TED RAIMI!!! AAAIIEEEEE!!! LIKE HAVE YOU SEEN THAT GUY HOLY FUCK

(pause)

Oh also she said "Candyman" five times into a mirror and died.

KASI LEMMONS

This is great stuff! I'm telling you Virginia, we can build an entire horror movie around this kind of urban legend!

JAMIE BLANKS & SILVIO HORTA

Hmmm.

(duck out)

VIRGINIA heads over to a lecture hall where her husband and noted player of scumbags XANDER BERKELEY is finishing up.

XANDER BERKELEY

In conclusion, there are all kinds of urban myths, the vast majority of which have no basis in reality. Especially the ones about middle-aged college professors fucking their nubile young students OKAY THAT'S A WRAP EVERYONE BYYYEEE

VIRGINIA MADSEN

Dammit Xander, you weren't supposed to lecture on urban legends until we'd finished our thesis on urban legends! Shit, does everything at this university revolve around urban legends? But anyway, how could you be such an asshole?

XANDER BERKELEY

Um, your movie husband is being played by me, Xander Berkeley, at my very Xandier Berkeliest. I dunno what else to tell you.

(scarfs down butter tart that Virginia was saving for later on)

Now if you'll excuse me I have to grade some ta-tas, I mean grope some papers, I mean boink floozies half my age OKAY BYYYEEEEE

VIRGINIA, still clinging to hope that XANDER has been cast against type, returns to work.

VIRGINIA MADSEN

(dictating)

The tale of Candyman is shrouded in mystery and obscurity. Many sources refer to the 1971 Willy Wonka movie, but others insist it starts much earlier-

CUSTODIAL WORKER

(interrupting)

You're looking into Candyman? Me and my co-worker know all about that, we live in Cabrini-Green, scene of the latest Candyman sighting.

VIRGINIA MADSEN

Oh gosh really?!? You're willing to share the mystic lore of the fantastical figure known only as Candyman?

OTHER WORKER

If by that you mean, can we describe real-life events that actually happened, with people's names slightly changed, then yes.

INT. VIRGINIA'S CONDO - LATER

VIRGINIA has KASI over to share what she's learned.

VIRGINIA MADSEN

It's fascinating really! Years ago a woman living at Cabrini-Green, called Ruthie Jean in our universe, was horribly murdered by someone who came in through the bathroom mirror.

KASI LEMMONS

I assume someone already did a tasteless Beatles joke about that?

VIRGINIA MADSEN

Almost immediately. Turns out, the mirror was mounted in a hole in the wall leading to the adjacent unit. This place is built the same, look!

(pops off bathroom mirror)

I can climb directly into the vacant creepy unit next door!

KASI LEMMONS

Wow that's unsettling.

VIRGINIA MADSEN

Oh that's not all, check out my direct subway access!

(lifts couch, revealing stairs downward to ticket gate)

And if you want to catch the hockey game...

(slides refrigerator aside, revealing upper balcony of Chicago Stadium)

Wild huh? I looked up the name of the architect and it just said "Pinhead".

KASI LEMMONS

(nods)

Barker connection, that checks out.

VIRGINIA MADSEN

All this is great for our thesis! What would also really help our thesis is if we stare in my mirror and say "Candyman" five times, which summons him. Either it's imaginary and a waste of time, OR it's real and we will horribly die. But we gotta do it, Kasi, for the thesis!

KASI LEMMONS

I'm starting to doubt you know what a "thesis" is.

KASI bails but VIRGINIA does, in fact, say CANDYMAN five times into the mirror, and is almost immediately set upon by the hideous terror OF--

XANDER BERKELEY

BWAH HA HA HELLO MISS GULLIBLE 1992 IT IS I, THE MOST WRETCHED EXCUSE FOR A SNIVELLING um you all realize these are just characters I play, right?

EXT. CABRINI-GREEN - THE NEXT DAY

VIRGINIA and KASI do a field trip to the projects of CABRINI-GREEN.

KASI LEMMONS

So we're here to further research the Candyman myth, how people attach it to various tragedies, and what implications that has. I guess we'll be talking to as many residents as possible, I think there's even some real-life tenants in the movie...

VIRGINIA MADSEN

Nuh-uh! I'm gonna take a heap of shitty photos with my tiny piece of shit 1992 camera, to document stuff that has almost certainly already been photographed by far better cameras than mine!

KASI LEMMONS

(frowns)

VIRGINIA MADSEN

Okay and MAYYYBE talk to someone, but they'd better have detailed first-hand knowledge of Ruthie Jean or fuck them.

INT. CABRINI-GREEN

Our INTREPID ACADEMICS make their way inside and find RUTHIE JEAN'S old apartment.

VIRGINIA MADSEN

Ooh here it is, the hole in the bathroom! Help me through!

(squeezes)

Hold my coat though so it doesn't get damaged?

KASI LEMMONS

Sure.

(throws coat on grimy filthy old bathtub)

Are you sure this is safe-

VIRGINIA MADSEN

Heck yeah!

(licks pile of asbestos)

(chainsaws through support beam)

(scampers further inside)

THEEEESSSIIIIIISSS

Eventually VIRGINIA finds another room full of CREEPY DOLLS, CANDY WITH RAZOR BLADES, and a GIANT MURAL OF CANDYMAN'S HEAD!

VIRGINIA MADSEN

Wow what a treasure-trove, so much to study! Should I solve this intricate puzzle, play this ballerina music-box, maybe read these Latin words aloud? Hm, no, let's stay focussed.

(takes 300 more shit-ass photos)

After finally coming back through the wall, she and KASI meet the next-door neighbour, VANESSA WILLIAMS!

VANESSA WILLIAMS

No, not that one. Anyway, this is my baby and my dog, I'd like them both to survive the movie thank you very much.

VIRGINIA MADSEN

Why of course! No need to worry about the baby, I'm sure your baby will be absolutely completely 100 per cent fine. Surely no harm will befall your charming baby.

(smiles)

KASI LEMMONS

(coughs)

VIRGINIA MADSEN

BABY AND DOG, BABY AND DOG, I meant, ha ha ha. Yes. BABY AND DOG will be totes okay. Both of them, forever.

NIA DACOSTA

(avoids eye contact)

INT. FANCY ACADEMIC DINNER AT POSH RESTAURANT "CHEZ SNOOTY" - THAT NIGHT

VIRGINIA describes her findings to a table of ACADEMICS while everyone just SMOKES EVERY GODDAMN LAST CIGARETTE WITHIN A FIVE-MILE RADIUS ALL AT ONCE, WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE ARE YOU TRYING TO SET A WORLD CARCINOGEN RECORD

VIRGINIA MADSEN

(coughing)

Holy shit I can't even see my food. God damn it.

PROFESSOR POMPOUS Q. BLOWHARD

(frothing, Britishly)

Blarf blarf I find it quite fascinating you're writing on Candyman, wot wot wot, seeing as I've written the most definitive account in all of stodgy-ass whitebread academia, blrff snrff!!

(giant bubbles of saliva gradually filling room)

You see it all started in the 1870s, when a young black painter fell in love with a white landowner's daughter, and he was tortured and killed. The intense racism, tragedy, and injustice resonates to this day, and obviously as a giant piece of sweaty cheese I am the best curator of this narrative slporf blorf mlurf

(shotguns bottle of port)

(crams 13 cigars in mouth)

BLRRRFSPRRRLLFFF

WAITER

(struggling through thick fog, webs of saliva)

ACK FUCK COULD I INTEREST ANYONE IN DESSERT AAAGGHHHHHH

(suffo-drowns)

EXT. BACK AT CABRINI-GREEN

VIRGINIA decides her hundreds of crappy photos are INSUFFICIENT and so she returns to take MORE SHITTY PHOTOS. She is approached by 11-year-old DEJUAN GUY.

DEJUAN GUY

So why are you poking around here learning stuff we all know already?

VIRGINIA MADSEN

Well you see kid, it doesn't matter what you and everyone else here knows, or how much history is being passed from generation to generation. It only counts if certain specific institutions, such as the one I'm from, recognize it certain specific publications, like the one I'm doing!

DEJUAN GUY

Just checking. Anyway if you want to know more about Candyman, maybe check out that disgusting-as-fuck murder-scene public bathroom frequented by our local murderous drug dealer who likes to stay out of the spotlight by murdering it.

VIRGINIA MADSEN

AWEsome!

(shoots caution out of a T-shirt gun into the wind's FACE)

(rushes in)

VIRGINIA sets to work snapping CRUMMY PHOTOS of everything inside, including a TOILET FULL OF BEEEEES!!! But then she's confronted by-

DRUG DEALER IMITATING CANDYMAN

Hey, I can't have anyone drawing attention to my flamboyant cosplay persona!

(knocks out Virginia)

Now let's leave her alive. An upper-class white academic like her will NEVER think to invoke their privilege, ha ha ha, MWAH HA HA HA

(arrested)

Oops.

INT. PARKING GARAGE

Having given her statement to the police, VIRGINIA goes to her car, BUT!

TONY TODD

AH FINALLY I can enter this movie for reals. Oh yeah baby IT'S TONY TIIIIIME

(strikes iconic pose)

VIRGINIA blacks out--and awakens in a bathroom, COVERED IN BLOOD OH SHIT!

VIRGINIA MADSEN

The fuck?! Where am I? Where'd this knife come from?!

(waves knife around)

DOES ANYONE RECOGNIZE THIS KNIFE

(stumbles into next room)

HI EXCUSE ME I'M LOOKING FOR THE OWNER OF THIS KNIFE RIGHT HERE

(stubs toe on dog's severed head, sorry doggo)

PARDON ME VANESSA I THINK THIS MIGHT BE YOURS, COULD YOU STOP SCREAMING LONG ENOUGH TO EXAMINE THE BLADE FOR TELL-TALE MARKS

(struggles with Vanessa)

AH PERHAPS ALL THESE COPS CAN HELP IDENTIFY THE MANUFACTURER OF THIS KNIFE

(tased)

INT. VIRGINIA'S APARTMENT - THE NEXT MORNING

VIRGINIA and PHILANDERER JERKFACE try to make sense of the situation.

XANDER BERKELEY

Sorry it took until this morning to bail you out. I was, ah, suddenly recruited by the CIA for a last-second top-secret urgent mission to fuck my student. Yep. Anyway I'm sure you didn't slaughter Vanessa's dog and kidnap her baby like everyone says you did, I'm with you every step of the way.

(smiles)

Would you mind grabbing me a beer? It's hard reaching the fridge when I have to keep one foot literally out the door at all times.

Later that day, VIRGINIA uses some alone time to stare at her tiny, blurry, grainy photos, wander about a bit, maybe stare into the bathroom mirror BEING SHATTERED AS A BLOODY HOOK BURSTS THROUGH IT AAIEEEEEE!!

TONY TODD

PLEASE VIRGINIA, WON'T YOU "BEE" MINE? HEH HEH, YOU SEE IT'S A PUN BECAUSE I WAS STUNG TO DEATH BY BEES

KASI LEMMONS

(arriving)

Virginia are you okay? I came over to check on you and I heard lots of screaming, shattered glass, Philip Glass...

VIRGINIA MADSEN

UM HAHA NO EVERYTHING'S FINE JUST BLASTING MY "EINSTEIN ON THE BEACH" RECORDS WHILE YELLING ALONG, LIKE YOU DO, YOU CAN BE ON YOUR MERRY WAY

Sadly though KASI does not heed this advice and is GRUESOMELY MURDERED by TONY!

COPS

(bursting in)

Oh shit! We'd better extra arrest Virginia this time, I mean, cranking up Philip Glass on a weekday afternoon? Damn.

VIRGINIA is put in RESTRAINTS and sent to a PSYCHIATRIC FACILITY with nothing to keep her company but padded walls and a MENACING FLOATING TONY TODD who vanishes whenever anyone else shows up.

VIRGINIA MADSEN

Gosh, my very own homicidal Snuffleupagus, just what every girl wants.

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE

VIRGINIA is wheeled in to see DR. STANLEY DESANTIS.

STANLEY DESANTIS

We've kept you under heavy sedation for a month, and the baby still hasn't been found. So if you could please tell us where-

VIRGINIA MADSEN

Wait, a MONTH?! Has Tony been feeding and changing the baby this whole time?

STANLEY DESANTIS

(thinks)

Hmm, that could explain the recent rash of diaper thefts. And the rash of diaper rash cream thefts. Maybe even the murder of Jim Rash, an aspiring actor/writer who was working late shifts at "Bed, Rash, and Beyond". But let's focus on you and why you killed your friend.

VIRGINIA MADSEN

It wasn't me, it was Tony, and I can prove it!

(uses mirror on wall to summon Candyman)

(Tony appears, eviscerates Stanley)

Ha, now you HAVE to believe me! Um wait, I think there's a flaw in this plan.

TONY TODD

AND SO, I RELEASE YOU FROM YOUR RESTRAINTS. FOLLOW ME, MY SWEET

(launches backwards through window)

UM YOU HAVE LEARNED TO FLY OR ACQUIRED A JETPACK OR SOMETHING RIGHT

VIRGINIA MADSEN

(sighs)

No no it's fine, you go on ahead, I'll catch up.

VIRGINIA clobbers a NURSE and steals her uniform to escape!

INT. VIRGINIA'S APARTMENT

VIRGINIA makes it home only to find that XANDER has rededicated himself to figuring out what happened to his wife HAHAHA YEAH RIGHT has shacked up with his student SLUTBAG MCSIDEPIECE.

XANDER BERKELEY

OH FUCK I mean, hey there! Um, adultery is the best medicine??

(sheepish grin)

VIRGINIA MADSEN

I'm sorry, I could have sworn the doctor said I was only gone for ONE MONTH. Clearly he meant a month ON VENUS (since a Venusian day is equivalent to 5,832 hours, and so 30 days on Venus would be equal to 7,290 Earth days), you FUCKWANG!!

VIRGINIA storms out and, with nowhere else to turn, heads to CABRINI-GREEN.

INT. CABRINI-GREEN

VIRGINIA takes refuge in the hidden apartment behind RUTHIE JEAN'S bathroom mirror, and this time finds a WHOLE OTHER NEW ROOM!

VIRGINIA MADSEN

Well there's no way Tony kept the baby stashed here. Kasi and Vanessa knew about this place and it for sure would have been searched right?

She finds TONY TODD having a CANDYNAP and STABS him!

TONY TODD

Silly Virginia, stabbing me won't work for another ten minutes. But we are destined to be together! Clearly you are the reincarnation of my lost love!

VIRGINIA MADSEN

You're saying I wasn't doomed because of my own reckless actions, but because I was fated to, so nothing I did mattered? That's disappointing.

TONY TODD

Look, it's well known that every graduate student chooses their thesis based on who they're the reincarnation of. It's just science. Now comb over here, honey.

(mouth overflows with BEEEES!)

YOU SHEE IT'SH A PUN BECAUSH HONEY ISH MADE IN COMBSH BY BEESH

VIRGINIA suddenly WAKES UP, still in the same room but with no TONY.

VIRGINIA MADSEN

(shaking head)

Oof. Being literally hypnotized for my Tony scenes does throw me for a loop, but at least it helps with those awful puns...

She starts to leave the building however spots VANESSA'S BABY inside a huge giant bonfire stack outside, OH NO! She works her way in and reaches the baby but-

TONY TODD

AND SO MY GRAND PLAN REACHES ITS CONCLUSION, WHERE WE ALL BURN TO DEATH TOGETHER, THUS RENEWING MY LEGEND. Though since I've only shown myself to you maybe it will just be the legend of the random grad student who went on a crazed killing spree. Hmm. Maybe I should-

VIRGINIA MADSEN

Your ten minutes are UP, asshole!

(stabs Tony!)

VIRGINIA catches FIRE, but manages to crawl and get the BABY to safety before DYING of her injuries.

TONY TODD

(burning)

HEY DEJUAN OVER HERE CHECK THIS OUT, YOO-HOO, MY MYTHOS LIVES ON AW YEAH

(waves hook)

(consumed)

After the fire dies down, DEJUAN retrieves the HOOK and throws it into VIRGINIA'S GRAVE because EBAY doesn't exist yet.

INT. XANDER'S APARTMENT

XANDER mopes over the death of VIRGINIA while SLUTBAG MCSIDEPIECE prepares dinner of MUSTARD with a CARVING KNIFE in the CONSERVATORY.

XANDER BERKELEY

(gazing into mirror)

Fuck I'm depressed. Maybe these geography flashcards will cheer me up! Let's see... Virginia, Virginia, Virginia, West Virginia, Virginia... are there any other states in this deck because-?

GHOST OF VIRGINIA MADSEN

BOOOO!! SURPRISE ASSHOLE, I AM THE HARSH STROBE OF YOUR DOOM

(guts Xander)

AND SO, I HEREBY ACCEPT THE MANTLE PASSED TO ME BY TONY, TO BE THE NEW FACE OF THIS FRANCH-"HIVE" GOING FORWARD, HEH HEH BECAUSE HIVES ARE HOMES FOR BEES

(checks IMDB)

Oh, or not.

END