FADE IN:

EXT. NOT QUITE A JOHN WAYNE TOWN

A dark blob in a cowboy hat that might be ADRIAN PASDAR putters around.

ADRIAN PASDAR

Mmm, check out that hawt girl eating ice cream. Ha ha, what if she's a vampire who gets sick from human food, such as ice cream? That would be ridiculous!

(pause)

Oh.

JENNY WRIGHT

You attracted to me boy? Aw, you're slobbering all over me like a creep, I find that cute.

ADRIAN PASDAR

You're hot. Mostly 'cause you're the only thing I can see. Why is everything so goddamn dark?

JENNY WRIGHT

It passed for style in the eighties.

ADRIAN traps his NOT-A-VAMPIRE, YEAH SURE date in his car and demands she KISS HIM to earn her FREEDOM.

JENNY WRIGHT

Sexual assault? That's so hot, I love you!

(bites Adrian)

Oops. That was a mistake, I really actually love you.

ADRIAN PASDAR

And you have boobs, so I-

JENNY runs away JUST BEFORE THE SUN RISES. ADRIAN starts to turn into a FOG MACHINE but gets ABDUCTED by a CREEPY VAN.

INT. THE WAY-TOO-DARK VAN

ADRIAN is confronted by INDISTINGUISHABLE HUMANOID SHADOWS.

ADRIAN PASDAR

I guarantee half the audience just paused their TV to check if something's wrong with the brightness. Who are you people?

LANCE HENRIKSEN

We're Jenny's vampire family. I don't express emotion, Bill Paxton expresses too much, Jennette Goldstein has no personality, and Joshua Miller is a cheap knock-off of Kirsten Dunst from "Interview with a Vampire."

ADRIAN PASDAR

Bill Paxton, Jennette Goldstein, Lance Henriksen... Something familiar here...

In the BACKGROUND a LARGE SIGN advertises the film ALIENS.

ADRIAN PASDAR

What the hell? Did James Cameron give Director Kathryn Bigelow his cast as an engagement present?

JENNY WRIGHT

Pretty much. Michael Biehn was supposed to be in this too. Try not to think about Sigourney Weaver when you realize how terrible I am as a lead.

LANCE HENRIKSEN

Clearly none of us want to be here, so we're going to half-ass our lines and look constantly bored.

BILL PAXTON, MAN

Except me! I'M INSANE! BBLEBBLEHBLEHBLEH!

Realizing BILL PAXTON is the only watchable part of this movie, ADRIAN quickly leaves.

EXT. A DIFFERENT TOWN

ADRIAN PASDRACULA eats FOOD and gets SICK.

POLICE OFFICER

Need help, buddy? Like, were you kidnapped by strange people who want to murder you?

ADRIAN PASDAR

Nah, I'm trying to figure out why vending machine candy is a deadly vampire weakness.

ADRIAN gets on a BUS but GETS OFF after a while because he's got VAMP-AIDS, SYMBOLISM ALERT!

JENNY WRIGHT

Hi, Adrian! I knew where you'd get off the bus and somehow got here before you!

ADRIAN PASDAR

Whoa, are you psychic? Do you have superpowers? Can you fly?

JENNY WRIGHT

What do you think this is, The Lost Boys? Drink some of my blood, Adrian. Be one of us.

ADRIAN PASDAR

Mmm, you taste GOOD! Can I have more?

JENNY WRIGHT

Yes, because I love you!

ADRIAN PASDAR

(blinks)

...You love me? Really? I look like Elijah Wood and sound like Marty McFly with strep throat. You know nothing about me except that I like hooking up with girls on street corners.

JENNY WRIGHT

(wistfully)

I want nothing more than to drain my blood for you and devote every action to your happiness.

DIRECTOR KATHRYN BIGELOW

Nobody worry, in the future I'll make all my females strong independent creatures with zero emotion.

(pause)

You know, like vampires should be.

ADRIAN and JENNY reach the other vampires JUST BEFORE THE SUN RISES.

EXT. ANOTHER TOWN

LANCE HENRIKSEN

Okay Adrian, you go with Jenny and kill someone. We each kill several people a night, then we head to another town and do the same thing. Somehow the trail of mass killings hasn't attracted national attention yet.

JENNY WRIGHT

I get to kill the only non-white cast member, yippee!

She kills a black guy and NNNNNNNNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

ADRIAN PASDAR

(covering ears)

AAAAAUGH, what was THAT sound effect?

LANCE HENRIKSEN

Grr Adrian, if you don't kill anyone tonight we'll murder you. And you have to do it in a bar to draw as much attention to yourself as possible.

JOSHUA MILLER

Is that an excuse to break up the sterile plot or get some decent lighting?

LANCE HENRIKSEN

Holy shit, Josh. Your acting is so dull, I forgot you were here.

They go to a BAR.

ADRIAN PASDAR

So, we don't need to get invited into human buildings.

JENNETTE GOLDSTEIN

What do you think this is, Let the Right One In?

LANCE slits a waitress' throat and DRAINS HER BLOOD into a glass. The HUMANS IN THE BAR glance over in disinterest.

LANCE HENRIKSEN

The horror! We will drink all your blood! Prepare to die!

HUMANS

Like we care. We just want to get killed quickly so we can go home before "The Cosby Show" starts.

BARTENDER

I guess I'd better pull out a gun or something, shoot a vampire, oh no my gun jammed, yadda yadda.

BILL PAXTON, MAN

WHOO! Don't bother! I'M A BADASS! Watch this!

BILL jumps on a table and does some kind of SLOW-MOTION INTERPRETIVE DANCE with his feet. When it's done, the BARTENDER is DEAD.

ADRIAN PASDAR

What the hell was that? Were you slitting his throat with your feet?

LANCE HENRIKSEN

Look, one guy got smart and ran away. Adrian, this is your LAST CHANCE to prove yourself. Kill him.

ADRIAN fails.

LANCE HENRIKSEN

Okay, that wasn't your last chance after all. Even though that guy's now got the police after us because of you, I'll let you live a while longer.

They reach a motel JUST BEFORE THE SUN RISES. AGAIN.

JENNY WRIGHT

For a movie called "Near Dark," it's mostly Near Daytime.

ADRIAN PASDAR

Then why didn't we call it "End of the Dark" or "At the Edge of the Dark" or "Breaking Dawn" or something cool?

POLICE show up and SHOOT THE MOTEL!

BILL PAXTON, MAN

Dernit, we're trapped! And the bullet holes will let sunlight in!

ADRIAN PASDAR

Do we instantly die in sunlight? Perhaps turn to stone?

BILL PAXTON, MAN

What do you think this is, Interview With the Vampire? We just get burn makeup on our faces that fades after a minute, NOOO!

A bunch of DARK and LIGHT stuff happens with occasional SPARKS as sunlight hits the VAMPIRES, though some of the SPARKS come from COMPLETE DARKNESS and sometimes the VAMPIRES stand in DIRECT SUNLIGHT with NO CONSEQUENCE.

ADRIAN PASDAR

Oh my God, this is so sloppy. I can't believe Kathryn Bigelow has a career after this.

ADRIAN escapes, then SAVES THE VAMPIRES instead of ABANDONING THEM TO THE POLICE and SOLVING ALL HIS PROBLEMS.

JENNY WHITE

You're part of the family now!

ADRIAN PASDAR

I'm so happy to be stuck with these unlikable murderous bastards for eternity, whoo-hoo!

INT. ANOTHER TOWN - WOW, WE'RE SURE GOING FOR VARIETY HERE

JOSHUA MILLER wanders around at 5 AM and runs into ADRIAN'S SISTER MARCIE LEEDS, who is like SIX YEARS OLD.

JOSHUA MILLER

Hey girl. Why don't you, ah, come back to my room and we can get it on.

MARCIE LEEDS

Gah, what? You're OLD! You think just because we LOOK the same age it makes this okay?

JOSHUA MILLER

What do you think this is, Twi-

ADRIAN'S FATHER TIM THOMERSON bursts in.

TIM THOMERSON

Adrian, my son! We've been all over the country looking for you, and happen to be at the same hotel at the same time and conveniently ran into each other at 5 AM!

ADRIAN PASDAR

You found me! And you found one of the worst plot contrivances of the entire 1900s!

ADRIAN escapes with TIM and MARCIE, you guessed it, JUST BEFORE THE SUN RISES.

ADRIAN PASDAR

Watch me stick my hand into the burning sun!

TIM THOMERSON

Omg why would you do that?!

ADRIAN PASDAR

I had to becau-

BWAAAAAAAAAAGH!

TIM THOMERSON

That makes sense! I-

BWAAAAAAAAAAGH! BWAAAAAAAAAAGH!

ADRIAN PASDAR

What? I can't hear you, all I hear is th-

BWAAAAAAAAAAAARGHERAAAAAAAH!

ADRIAN PASDAR

-omposed with shitty synths!

TIM THOMERSON

I agree the soundtrack is too-

ELECTRO-BWAAAAAAAH!

ADRIAN PASDAR

(covering ears)

The entire technical crew for this movie needs to be fired.

INT. ADRIAN'S HOME

ADRIAN wakes up a HUMAN.

ADRIAN PASDAR

The hell? We cured my vampirism?

TIM THOMERSON

Oh, great, the one scene where it's impossible to hear anything was the one with all the important exposition. How are we supposed to follow the plot NOW?

ADRIAN PASDAR

Whatever, I think the movie's over. No reason to suspect, maybe, a band of evil vampires will come after us or something.

TIM THOMERSON

Judging how you reacted to vending machine candy as a vampire, maybe we should rub Kit-Kats all over ourselves tonight for safety. No...?

They let MARCIE wander off on her own at night because everyone working on the movie gave up three scenes ago.

JENNY WRIGHT

Hello Adrian. Why, oh why did you run away?

ADRIAN PASDAR

Because you're a clingy idiotic bloodsucking murderess who tried to kill my family and let my sister get raped.

JENNY WRIGHT

BOO-HOO! You... You don't love me! WE'RE THROUGH!

ADRIAN PASDAR

I'm sorry, is this a rom-com with vampires? Oh look Marcie's missing I'd better go.

EXT. TUMBLEWEED TOWN

ADRIAN meets BILL PAXTON on an abandoned street.

BILL PAXTON, MAN

I'm gonna knock your tonsils out your asshole! Whaddya think of them apples, huh?

(pause)

Wow, I really said that. I see the screenwriter stopped caring too.

ADRIAN PASDAR

Ya think?

ADRIAN gets in a PROPANE TRUCK and TERMINATOR-PLOWS BILL.

ADRIAN PASDAR

Yes, Game Over Man! No way did an immortal vampire survive that, WHOO-HOO!

BILL PAXTON, MAN

Nope, I'm still here! And I've ripped out part of the engine so it'll explode!

ADRIAN jumps off the truck.

ADRIAN PASDAR

You... You wanna get off the exploding truck too?

BILL PAXTON, MAN

Nah, I told myself if I heard that "Game Over" reference one more time I would blow myself up.

(explodes)

The OTHER VAMPIRES arrive.

LANCE HENRIKSEN

Good job, Adriasshole. You murdered the only enjoyable part of this movie. Now we're going to kill you, because we have nothing better to do I guess.

MARCIE LEEDS

Adrian! Joshua tried raping me, but I beat him up and got away!

ADRIAN PASDAR

That seriously goddamn happened?! Well, the vamps have us surrounded, surely they'll kill us or-

JENNETTE GOLDSTEIN

Stand here apathetically while you get a headstart? Yes, I'm still in the movie.

ADRIAN promptly lets MARCIE get RECAPTURED in the vamp-car, JUST BEFORE THE SUN RISES, A-FUCKING-GAIN DAMMIT.

JENNY WRIGHT

I guess nighttime is only a half-hour.

JENNY escapes the car with MARCIE and a BLANKET OVER HER HEAD so she doesn't burn herself up. Then JOSHUA runs directly into the sun and EXPLODES like a NICKELODEON CARTOON.

ADRIAN PASDAR

There is no way we were supposed to take that seriously.

JENNY WRIGHT

I think that was supposed to be sad or something. Sad that the pedophile rapist killed himself. Either that or Kathryn Bigelow hasn't learned how to express different emotions yet.

ADRIAN PASDAR

Judging by Zero Dark Thirty, nope.

LANCE turns the car around to kill ADRIAN, JENNY, and MARCIE.

LANCE HENRIKSEN

We're gonna get them, Jennette. Even if there's absolutely nothing in it for us, we're gonna get them.

JENNETTE GOLDSTEIN

But Lance... to do that, we have to drive INTO the sun, which will kill us.

LANCE HENRIKSEN

I don't care! And we can't throw blankets over our heads or use our special sun-goggles like we did earlier! I want this fucking film to end already!

JENNETTE GOLDSTEIN

(sighs)

You always were an asshole, Gorman. I mean Bishop. I mean-

DIRECTOR KATHRYN BIGELOW

STOP REFERENCING ALIENS WE GET IT OKAY????

LANCE HENRIKSEN

Not referencing Aliens in this movie is kind of like writing a parody of John Dies at the End: it can't be done. CLEAR MINIMUM SAFE DISTANCE!

They BLOW UP. Then they blow up AGAIN. Then they blow up their CAR. Then they blow up some POWER LINES.

Then they blow up a HELICOPTER which destroys a COMPUTER FACTORY which explodes an OFFICE BUILDING and a THERMONUCLEAR REACTOR and finally ALDERAAN.

ADRIAN PASDAR

Since all the vampires pointlessly blew themselves up, we can live happily ever after.

INT. ADRIAN'S GARAGE

JENNY wakes up a HUMAN, something you'd think would nullify the existence of vampires at all.

JENNY WRIGHT

I love you Adrian! This relationship is definitely going to work out!

ADRIAN PASDAR

Sure it is! Maybe we can listen to "The Sound of Silence" on a bus while we think about how great our future together will be! It worked for Dustin Hoffman!

They awkwardly BUMP FACES.

JENNY WRIGHT

So, this really was a rom-com the whole time?

ADRIAN PASDAR

No, it was Twilight two decades before Twilight existed. Just as misogynistic, pedophilic, lazy, and poorly-done. Look, it even has the same title.

JENNY WRIGHT

But why is this considered a decent vampire film instead of the crap it really is?

ADRIAN PASDAR

This has a lot of violence, so it's okay.

JENNY WRIGHT

Wow, society. You're lookin' really good there.

END