EXT. ANCIENT EGYPT

UNIVERSAL picks up an off-brand tub of generic action movie characters from a discount bin at Walmart. They open it up and tip out a Villain Who Wants to Take Over the World Just Because.

RUSSELL CROWE (V.O.)

Once upon a time there was a princess named Sofia Boutella, who was all set to become ruler of Egypt until she was bumped from the head of the line when her dad fathered a more penis-having baby. Determined to seize her birthright, she briefly considered just hitting the helpless infant with a rock, before going with the much more logical choice of selling her soul to Satan.

SOFIA BOUTELLA

Hey Egyptian death god, I wanna rule the world! Give me an eclectic grab-bag of random superpowers.

EGYPTIAN DEATH GOD

All right, I’ll give you the power to rule the world. Just so long as you then grant me physical form so that I can rule the world instead.

SOFIA BOUTELLA

We have a shitty, self-defeating bargain!

She gets handed her DEMON POWERS and uses them an ordinary knife to kill her FATHER and BABY BROTHER, but before she can give the DEATH GOD a BODY, she gets CAPTURED BY THE ROYAL GUARDS.

GUARD

She’s become some kind of inhuman demon witch thing! We better imprison her in a vat of mercury.

SMARTER GUARD

Shouldn’t we instead chop her into a million pieces then dissolve the pieces in acid then set the acid on fire, so she can’t rise again and murder everyone with her dark magic and take over the world?

GUARD

Meh, that’s five-thousand-years-from-now civilization’s problem.

EXT. MODERN IRAQ

UNIVERSAL dips into the TUB again and pull out a ROGUISH RELIC HUNTER and an ANNOYING COMIC-RELIEF SIDEKICK.

TOM CRUISE

All right, this insurgent-infested settlement is the reported location of some kind of valuable artifacts, let’s get tomb raiding!

JAKE JOHNSON

Okay, we-

TOM CRUISE

Oh! And, uh, thetans Dianetics Hubbard I hate psychiatrists.

JAKE JOHNSON

Wha?

TOM CRUISE

We both know I was going to have to put up with some kind of Scientology joke at some point of the script, so I was just getting it out of the way. And THAT WAS IT, okay? It’s DONE.

They head into the SETTLEMENT, where they SHOOT a bunch of INSURGENTS and then BLOW UP the rest.

TOM CRUISE

After all, what kind of Nathan Drake ripoff would I be if I didn’t get to murder a shitload of foreigners?

The EXPLOSIONS unearth some kind UNDERGROUND CHAMBER. But before TOM and JAKE can head in, UNIVERSAL reaches into the tub and retrieves a HUMORLESS LOVE INTEREST and a GRUFF BLACK SERGEANT.

COURTNEY B. VANCE

You two are out of line! Our unit is supposed to be protecting historical sites and ancient artifacts, and here you go AWOL, try to steal the artifacts for yourself, and call an air strike on the historical site? That’s... I mean, holy shit. When it comes to insubordination, you guys don’t fuck around, do you? Why the hell am I not throwing your asses straight into military prison?

ANNABELLE WALLIS

Yeah, plus Tom stole the map to this site from me after sleeping with me!

(to audience)

Fun fact to keep in mind while picturing Tom and me in bed together: when he was rocketing to superstardom on the back of his breakout vehicles Risky Business and All the Right Moves, I had not yet been CONCEIVED.

TOM CRUISE

Guys, relax, we were just uhhh doing recon without telling anybody! We weren’t stealing, I mean how the hell would we expect to get the artifacts out of the country?

ANNABELLE WALLIS

True, it would have been a very dumb plan. Oh well, let’s go check out this chamber.

TOM, ANNABELLE and JAKE head down into the CHAMBER, where a SARCOPHAGUS has been suspended in a PIT OF MERCURY like some kind of spooky ancient DEEP FRYER.

ANNABELLE WALLIS

Oh my, look at all these glyphs and statues and various other ancient ritualistic crap they put on this sarcophagus to imprison whoever’s inside. Clearly they never ever EVER ever ever wanted this person to get out of this pit, not for the entirety of time and beyond.

TOM CRUISE

You don’t say! Oh well, how bout I just activate this elaborate mechanism they installed specifically for the purpose of removing the person from the pit.

He shoots a CLAMP which releases some GEARS AND SHIT, and the SARCOPHAGUS is raised out of the mercury.

TOM CRUISE

ARGH THIS COFFIN IS TRYING TO MIND MELD WITH ME OR SOMETHING BLURRRGH

(cursed)

JAKE JOHNSON

OW FUCK I JUST GOT BITTEN BY SOME KIND OF DEMON SPIDER

(cursed)

ANNABELLE WALLIS

Hey, what about me, doesn’t anybody have any curses for me? What am I, chopped liver?

INT. PLANE

TOM, ANNABELLE, JAKE and COURTNEY have loaded the SARCOPHAGUS onto an ARMY PLANE. As the plane passes over ENGLAND, JAKE suddenly gets all POSSESSED-Y and STABS COURTNEY!

COURTNEY B. VANCE

Ack! Why? I mean I know you’re mind-controlled by Sofia and everything... but this death... serves her in no way...

JAKE JOHNSON

Sure, but this is sorta-kinda a horror movie, so we really needed at least ONE named character to die. Seriously, everybody but you is alive at the end of the movie, even the ones who die between now and then. Speaking of which:

JAKE tries to STAB TOM, only to get SHOT DEAD. Then a bunch of BIRDS crash into the WINDSCREEN OF THE PLANE, SMASHING THROUGH IT and ATTACKING THE PILOTS.

PILOT

Does the military really put glass in their aircraft that can’t handle being hit by a fucking pigeon?!

(dies)

The PLANE starts crashing! The SARCOPHAGUS falls out and so do most of the PARACHUTES.

TOM CRUISE

Shit! Annabelle, you take the last parachute, and NO we can’t share even though that’s a legit emergency technique.

He kicks ANNABELLE OUT and awaits death as the GROUND RISES UP TERRIFYINGLY to meet the PLANE. Having seen the ONLY COOL MOMENT in the ENTIRE MOVIE, the AUDIENCE is now free to LEAVE.

INT. MORGUE

TOM wakes up inside a BODY BAG at the MORGUE.

TOM CRUISE

What the everloving FUCK?! Did they really not notice that I was still alive when they found me? I’m breathing! I have a pulse! I have no visible injuries!

JAKE JOHNSON

I guess somebody really wanted to knock off early and hit the pub.

TOM CRUISE

I’ll say GAH FUCK, JAKE?! Now YOU are DEFINITELY dead.

JAKE JOHNSON

Totes! We’re just doing a thing where you, an American in London, have a series of darkly humorous visions of your dead and rather grisly friend, who cheerily tells you about just how very cursed you are.

(pause)

Wait, this is the reboot of An American Werewolf in London, right? No? Oh well, I guess this is just a ripoff then. So yeah, because you freed Sofia now she’s totally out to bone you. By which I mean stab you with a knife made out of bone. But in a SEXY way.

TOM CRUISE

Aw shit!

(runs to Annabelle)

Help! A ghost just told me that an undead demon witch is after me! Something to do with a death god, it was all needlessly vague.

ANNABELLE WALLIS

Oh pffft, what a load of silly made-up hogwash! You might as well claim that we’re all possessed by alien ghosts from exploding volcanoes or some shit.

TOM CRUISE

OH FUCK OFF ALL OF YOU I SAID WE WERE DONE WITH THAT JESUS FUCKING AAARRRRGGHHHFFFFFF wait a minute.

(sniffs air)

Ooh, turns out I can magically sense the demon witch who’s out to get me. So I should go directly towards her! OBVIOUSLY.

INT. CHURCH

TOM heads into some CHURCH where he is pounced upon by SOFIA.

SOFIA BOUTELLA

Hi! Remember how in the old and REALLY old versions of this movie, the bad guy’s plan was to kidnap the female lead and shove his love interest’s soul into her body? Well even though we’ve flipped the genders around, we’re still doing that! After all, it’s the twenty-first century, women can be undead sexual predators too.

TOM CRUISE

Eh heh, uh, are you reeeeaaally sure I’m the best container for your death god lover? I mean as disturbingly ripped as I am for my age, I am within shouting distance of sixty here. Oh, what about Gerard Butler? He made a pretty good Egyptian death god.

SOFIA BOUTELLA

That’s a lie and you know it.

(grabs knife out of statue)

Aha, there’s that special puts-death-god-in-you knife, which even by supernatural thriller standards is a ridiculous artifact to exist! Hold still while I penetrate you with this rigid shaft.

But then ANNABELLE SHOWS UP and RESCUES TOM and they SPEED AWAY!

SOFIA BOUTELLA

Curses! Fortunately, in addition to spider-possession and bird control, another of my random superpowers is the ability to turn people into shambling corpses, which means this isn’t just a crappy mummy movie, it’s a crappy zombie movie too! ATTACK, MY LAME MINIONS!

The VAN is attacked by ZOMBIES and CRASHES. Then SOFIA shows up!

ANNABELLE WALLIS

Holy shit, we left you behind miles ago! One of your powers must be supernatural speed or teleportation or something!

(pause)

In which case, why are you now sauntering towards us at the pace of somebody taking a leisurely stroll through an art museum?

SOFIA BOUTELLA

(shrugs)

The unnecessarily slow villain is a classic mummy trope. Can’t mess with tradition.

TOM CRUISE

Hmm, I don’t suppose I could have somebody just show up and save my ass for the second time in five minutes, could I?

A bunch of SOLDIERS just show up and SAVE THEIR ASSES.

TOM CRUISE

Sweeet.

INT. MONSTER LAB

TOM, ANNABELLE and a chained-up and mercury-poisoned SOFIA are brought to a SECRET BASE full of DRACULA SKULLS and CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON ARMS and all sorts of EXPANDED-UNIVERSE-TEASING CRAP. Meanwhile UNIVERSAL tips out the last of the generic characters, MR. EXPOSITION.

RUSSELL CROWE

Hi there, I’m this franchise’s Nick Fury! I’m the head of this elite team of demonologists and monster hunters.

TOM CRUISE

Let me guess: Van Helsing? Gotta be Van Helsing.

RUSSELL CROWE

(slaps forehead)

VAN FUCKING HELSING! Damnit, that would have made MUCH more sense. No, actually I’m

(puts hand over eyes, turns around three times, throws dart at board)

...Henry Jekyll? Fuck it, that’ll do. Meek research chemist, globe-trotting monster hunter, same diff. Oh, and the Invisible Man is in this movie too.

TOM CRUISE

He is?

RUSSELL CROWE

Technically you can’t prove he isn’t. Anyway, we have that knife that Sofia was going to use to put the death god into you. Seems that ancient crusaders came across it and hid it in two pieces so that its evil could never be unleashed.

TOM CRUISE

Er, if they wanted its evil to never be unleashed, then why did they hide it instead of pounding it into atoms with a sledge hammer?

RUSSELL CROWE

I don’t know, but good thing for us they didn’t. We intend to stab the god into you and then kill you, because we figure that will help us find a cure for evil.

TOM CRUISE

...Okayyy. Well in that case I plan to mail one of your testicles to Wiz Khalifa’s dog, because I figure that will give us the secret to clean renewable energy. WHAT KIND OF LOGIC ARE YOU USING, YOU COMPLETE IDIOT?!

RUSSELL CROWE

Grrrr... don’t make me wear silly makeup... YOU WOULDN’T LIKE ME WHEN I WEAR SILLY MAKEUP!!!

RUSSELL hulks out, which pretty much just means he puts on a COCKNEY ACCENT and his SKIN turns the color of DIARRHEA.

RUSSELL CROWE

(throwing Tom across the room)

THAT’S RIGHT, ON THE SURFACE I MAY SEEM CHARMING AND EASY-GOING, BUT ON OCCASION I FLIP OUT AND BECOME A SNARLING VIOLENT holy shit, whoever offered this role to Russell Crowe must have had balls of steel.

TOM manages to subdue RUSSELL, but meanwhile SOFIA escapes.

SOFIA BOUTELLA

Mwa ha ha, I’ll get you now, Tom! I’ll use another one of my whatever-I-need-for-any-given-scene powers to send a sandstorm after you, by tearing sand out of the city’s windows, as opposed to using the much more plentiful and much more easily accessed sand in the city’s concrete. You won’t be able to flee this sandstorm, Tom!

(smirks)

Why, to outrun the storm, you’d have to be some kind of ridiculous sprint expert. Why you’d have to be somebody with a straight-up pathological OBSESSION with taking extended sprints down city streets!

TOM CRUISE

(slowly grins)

Ha ha ha.

(puts on custom Newton trainers)

HA HA HEH HEH HEH.

(assumes starting position)

SOFIA unleashes a SANDSTORM!

TOM CRUISE

(takes off, causing sonic boom and sending cars flying with the shockwave)

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HEEEEE HEH HEH HEH HO HO HAAA HA HA HA HA OOOOOHHHH YYYYEEEEAAAAHHHHH!!!

TOM RUNS and RUNS and RUNS and RUNS and RUNS and RUNS and possibly CLIMAXES, I mean that would certainly explain a lot about all the running, just saying. Finally he and ANNABELLE escape into an UNDERGROUND TUNNEL where they have to fight more CRAPPY ZOMBIES.

TOM CRUISE

(knocking zombie heads off)

Ohhh right, we already knew from earlier that this particular tunnel had a crapload of zombies in it. We were running all over the city and the place we chose to go to was a place full of zombies.

(scratches chin, ponders)

Hmmm... was there some specific story reason we came to this location? Did we justify it somehow?

Maybe. I’ll be honest, there’s no way I’m gonna go back and check.

TOM CRUISE

Fair enough.

(tears zombie in half)

SOFIA BOUTELLA

Hi there! Remember my ability to just show up wherever?

SOFIA grabs ANNABELLE and DROWNS HER!

SOFIA BOUTELLA

HA! Now the only one who could bring her back to life is that death god! Will you let me put him in you now?

TOM CRUISE

But... if the death god takes over my body, won’t he just do whatever he wants, which will presumably not include reviving random drowned chicks he doesn’t care about?

SOFIA BOUTELLA

You’re not supposed to spot that blindingly obvious flaw in my argument.

TOM CRUISE

Fine then, I’ll let the ancient evil summon an even more dangerous ancient evil and presumably doom the world, all so I can unnaturally reanimate a woman I have the hots for. This is supposed to show what a good and heroic person I am, apparently.

TOM stabs himself with the MAGIC KNIFE and gets his own vague assortment of superpowers.

TOM CRUISE

Aha, but I am able to suppress the literal god and maintain control over not only my body but also his inhuman powers, all because of, like, the power of love. Or the power of goodness or something. I dunno. Actually, I think it might just be the power of bullshit screenwriting.

He pulls SOFIA’S own corpsifying life-suck trick on her, reverting her to the same desiccated mummy she was at the beginning of the movie.

SOFIA BOUTELLA

Oh, okay. So I should be perfectly mobile like I was back then and be able to just run away? ...Oh wait, I forgot, there’s no logically consistent rules to anything that’s happened all movie.

TOM CRUISE

All right, and now I shall use my god powers to bring Annabelle back to life! HEY ANNABELLE, STOP BEING DEAD!

ANNABELLE WALLIS

(wakes up)

Seriously? You shouted me back to life? Wow. That just might be the lamest way a character has been brought back to life in cinema history.

TOM CRUISE

Depressingly, we beat it in the next scene.

EXT. DESERT

TOM is hanging round the desert with JAKE, who isn’t dead anymore.

JAKE JOHNSON

Thanks for bringing me back to life, Tom! Yep, it happens pretty much exactly like that, in pretty much exactly those words.

TOM CRUISE

At least we’re bound to have a lot of thrilling tension in this expanded cinematic universe, now that one of the protagonists literally has the ability to undo character death whenever he feels like it.

JAKE JOHNSON

Ugh, do we really have to keep this one in canon? Couldn’t we pull a Dracula Untold and just say “er, that one was for practice”?

TOM CRUISE

Unfortunately we had this whole “Dark Universe” logo before the movie started, so there’s no takebacks this time.

(sighs)

Oh well, for better or worse we have one of the heroes for this franchise now: a brooding yet wisecracking monster-hunting monster! Kept apart from the woman I love out of fear that the demon within me may take over, I fight evil whilst also fighting to keep hold of my very soul, for I am... er...

JAKE JOHNSON

...Angel?

TOM CRUISE

Yeah, apparently. Oops.

END.