FADE IN:

INT. ELM STREET

AMANDA WYSS is having a nightmare.

ROBERT ENGLAND

I am a dream demon. I am going to terrify you with my fedora and stretch arms.

AMANDA WYSS

Cool.

She wakes up and meets with her friends HEATHER LANGENKAMP, JOHNNY DEPP and her boyfriend JSU GARCIA.

HEATHER LANGENKAMP

I dreamed about that guy too.

JOHNNY DEPP

Me too.

JSU GARCIA

Me too.

AMANDA WYSS

Pure coincidence. Let us forget all about the scary man with finger knives and never discuss this ever again.

After sex with JSU, AMANDA falls asleep.

ROBERT ENGLUND

Okay this time I’m going to kill you.

AMANDA WYSS

Alright then.

JSU wakes up to find AMANDA being slashed up and dragged across the ceiling.

JSU GARCIA

How do I explain this to the cops?

SHERIFF JOHN SAXON

From the inside of a cell after you sign this confession.

JSU GARCIA

(runs away, guiltily)

HEATHER LANGENKAMP

But Daddy John, it wasn’t Jsu, it was the dream man with the finger knives.

SHERIFF JOHN SAXON

You mean the pedo all the town’s parents vigilante killed years ago? No way. Lay off the smack sweetheart.

HEATHER falls asleep in class and has a nightmare.

ROBERT ENGLUND

I am going to terrorize you with my ugly Christmas sweater.

HEATHER LANGENKAMP

No thanks, I'd rather just self-harm.

She burns herself on a pipe in the dream that also burns her in the real world.

HEATHER LANGENKAMP

Experiencing pain pulls me out of the dream world. I guess getting your guts ripped open wasn’t painful enough to wake up Amanda.

Meanwhile JSU is arrested and falls asleep in his cell.

ROBERT ENGLUND

I am going to terrorize you with my shocking lack of quips.

JSU GARCIA

Hey that's not scary.

ROBERT ENGLUND

What if I wrap you up in these dirty bed sheets?

JSU GARCIA

Oh no, that’s my worst fear.

(is hanged)

HEATHER LANGENKAMP

I have to find a way to stop Robby. Better fall asleep again and hope I don’t get killed.

She does and pulls ROBERT’s pimpin fedora out of her dream and into the real world.

HEATHER LANGENKAMP

If only I had dreamed of a million dollars. Anyway now I have a plan to beat Robby. Johnny, I’ll need your help so don’t fall asleep and get killed.

JOHNNY DEPP

Right.

(instantly falls asleep)

JOHNNY falls through a hole in his bed where ROBERT has installed some kind of wood chipper that spews a geyser of Depp-flavored blood onto the ceiling.

JOHNNY DEPP

That wasn’t blood it was rum.

(dies)

HEATHER LANGENKAMP

Great now I have to save myself from Robby and his wildly inconsistent dream powers.

(falls asleep)

ROBERT ENGLUND

Now I’m going to terrorize you with my fried chicken skin. Prepare to die.

HEATHER LANGENKAMP

(hugs Robert)

ROBERT ENGLUND

Oh no, how did you know my one true weakness was hugs?

ROBERT is brought into the waking world where HEATHER attacks him with a series of improvised death traps all over the house and sets him on fire.

KEVIN MCCALLISTER

(taking detailed notes)

ROBERT ENGLUND

I’m still alive because dream demon, remember? Time to die.

HEATHER LANGENKAMP

But I’ve just realized the key to defeating you is to turn my back to you and pretend you don’t exist.

ROBERT ENGLUND

You idiot that will never work.

It works and ROBERT turns into space particles.

HEATHER LANGENKAMP

Yay I won. And look there’s my mom. Wait aren’t you dead? No matter, I’ll get in this Robby car with all my friends who are all also dead. Hey did I actually win or not? Am I dreaming?

WES CRAVEN

The studio couldn't decide on which ending to go with so they just used all of them.

Then a totally realistic blow-up doll of HEATHER’s MOM is yanked through a totally realistic toy house window.

WES CRAVEN

(jazz hands)

Seamless.

HEATHER LANGENKAMP

Wow, my character is so iconic and badass I'll surely be mentioned in the same breath as Ellen Ripley and Sarah Connor just so long as the studio invites me back for the inevitable action sequel directed by James Cameron.

ROBERT ENGLUND

Now you're dreaming.

END