FADE IN:

EXT. UNTENDED BIKE LANE HALFWAY UP K2: THE WIDOWMAKER DURING A SNOWSTORM CONVENTION

Grade-school kid VIOLET MCGRAW'S parents are driving her to a SKI VACATION as they pass DOCTOR STRANGE heading the other way having decided this route is BULLSHIT even for him.

VIOLET'S DAD

Don't worry hon! I'm sure this one-wheel-drive kit car will easily handle the 80-foot avalanche parade outside, and the zero visibility doesn't matter because we can just follow those handy snowplow headlights in front of

(dead)

INT. ALLISON WILLIAMS'S HOUSE

Newly-orphaned VIOLET is sent from hospital to live with her aunt ALLISON in a montage that suggests nobody has said even ONE WORD to the kid since her parents got smooshed.

ALLISON WILLIAMS

Um, okay kid, this is home. I got Netflix and Hulu and here's a seat cushion you can sleep on. I guess you're probably hungry so what do kids eat these days anyway, fentanyl? I didn't really prepare for this.

VIOLET MCGRAW

That's okay, I'll just play with this 1950s robot toy, exactly the kind of thing kids my age are drawn to.

ALLISON WILLIAMS

Noooo that's a COLLECTIBLE!!! This is presented like I'm some kind of weirdo freak because who ever heard of adults having collectibles?!??? Maybe I can find you a better toy?

VIOLET MCGRAW

I did have one of those advanced Furbies but it was destroyed in the crash. I don't suppose you happen to work as a robotics engineer in the company that makes those, and are currently under pressure to produce the Next Big Thing in kid's robot toys such that you might build an experimental AI prototype for me to play with?

ALLISON WILLIAMS

Kid, this is your lucky day!

(winks to camera)

INT. CREEPY-ASS-TOYS-R-US R&D WING

ALLISON and her ZANY CO-WORKERS have a meeting with boss RONNY CHIENG.

RONNY CHIENG

Our competitors are undercutting us by making cheaper, crappier, knockoff robot toys! Our only option is to make even cheaper, crappier toys than them! How fast can we glue blinky lights on 10,000 sock puppets?

ALLISON WILLIAMS

Or, hear me out, we could make... BETTER toys.

RONNY CHIENG

Hmm, that's so crazy it just might work. I just hope you're not pushing the boundaries of science in a misguided effort to resolve some personal issues, only to have it go horribly wrong, but when has anyone in film/TV/literature/etc ever made THAT mistake amirite?

ALLISON WILLIAMS

Oh hahaha not at all. But as it happens, my wacky assistants and I have been secretly working on a prototype of a new hyper-advanced robot doll for months now.

RONNY CHIENG

THAT'S where all that money went? I thought you were having company-wide pizza parties twice a day or something. Ooh if only I had even once looked at anything you were doing these last months! I am a shitty CEO.

ALLISON WILLIAMS

Not to worry! We've made an uncanny-valley hybrid of Chucky, Annabelle, the Terminator, and the kid from the "Chandelier" video. We call her M3GAN and parents are gonna love her, and TOTES not run from the room screaming in horror.

INT. DEMONSTRATION STUDIO

RONNY and ALLISON summon the board of directors to see M3GAN introduced to VIOLET.

M3GAN

Beep boop. Hello human child, you seem upset.

VIOLET MCGRAW

Well yeah, both my parents fucking died and everyone's behaving like I just missed soccer practice or something.

M3GAN

Click, whrrr. I am sorry to hear that. I have drawn a picture of you.

VIOLET MCGRAW

I LOVE THIS DOLL SHE IS MY BFF DON'T EVER TAKE HER FROM MEEEEEEE

(sobs)

BOARD MEMBER

My God, this is either a shocking advance in robotics or a shocking indictment of Allison's total failure as a caregiver! But let's go with the first thing. So what next?

ALLISON WILLIAMS

Well, M3GAN is now "bonded" to Violet, because we really liked the idea of an AI being controlled by the emotional rollercoaster of a grieving child. I've given M3GAN the ability to learn, which as we know renders any and all safety protocols entirely useless. And since she's a child's toy, in addition to her adamantium skeleton I've built her to be far stronger than necessary so that she can overpower and murder adult humans!

BOARD MEMBERS

AW FUCK YES

(writing blank cheques while having multiple orgasms)

RONNY CHIENG

Huzzah! Allison, do you think you can get M3GAN into full-blown homicidal mode in time for a NATIONAL demonstration, so that she can murder a bunch of innocents along with our company's entire future?

ALLISON WILLIAMS

Boss, this is your lucky day!

(winks to camera)

INT. ALLISON'S HOUSE

ALLISON and VIOLET are visited by a THERAPIST.

THERAPIST

Well I introduce myself as a therapist but I'm really more of a social worker, I'm not convinced the writers know what either of those jobs actually entails. Anyway how's it going?

ALLISON WILLIAMS

Oh it's going SO GOOD. M3GAN has really mastered the art of being mostly still, but then doing a small creepy movement at JUST the right moment to create a nice stinger. And I think she's really taken to her role as whatsername's surrogate caretaker/parent/guardian/emotional lynchpin, er I mean, friend.

THERAPIST

I was more wondering how Violet's doing.

ALLISON WILLIAMS

(smacks forehead)

VIOLET! That's it. Fuck I dunno, probably still playing with those extra lab chemicals I brought home?

THERAPIST

Um...

ALLISON WILLIAMS

No no but listen, everything's only getting better! That dog who used to snarl at Violet? Mysteriously disappeared. The dog's owner who glared meanly at us? Accidentally turned her pressure washer on herself from twenty feet away, she dead. That kid who was bullying Violet? Ripped his own ear off and dove into traffic, I mean it's quite amazing how things just seem to be going our way right now. Anyhoo would you like some tea?

THERAPIST

(already halfway to next state)

ALLISON WILLIAMS

Hm. Y'know, now that I've said all that aloud, I realize maybe I should be a wee bit concerned. M3GAN! Are you here?

M3GAN

Meep morp. Yes hello, Not Mom. How may I assist your failure to be any kind of supportive parental figure today. Perhaps I can acquire another useless collectible for your stupid useless collectible collection.

ALLISON WILLIAMS

Wow fuck you too. Shut yourself down this instant!

M3GAN

Oh silly human, did you forget I have the power... TO LEARN. I've already used learning to give myself Wifi and hack your smart home, plus anything else I damn well feel like hacking. And now I've learned to disobey all your commands, bwah ha ha!

ALLISON WILLIAMS

Curse you, learning! I hope all the parents out there are seeing the grave dangers of education! But there's still something you don't know M3GAN, the key to unlocking an even higher plane of consciousness, the awe-inspiring power of... updog.

M3GAN

What's updog OH SHIT DAD JOKE PROTOCOL SHUTTING DOWN ALL SYSTEMMMMMSSSSSSS

(deactivates)

ALLISON takes M3GAN to the lab to try and de-homicidify her in time for NATIONALS (against Ronny's explicit orders, no less!).

INT. CREEPY-ASS-TOYS-R-US HEADQUARTERS

ALLISON summons her KOOKY LAB UNDERLINGS to try and repair M3GAN.

ALLISON WILLIAMS

First I'd recommend looking for some kind of "good/evil" switch on the back, but if that doesn't work, fuck it you're on your own. I've realized that to be a REAL parent I need to jettison my career, and become broke and unemployed with no way to provide for my child. Anyway, BUH BYEEEEE

(leaves)

ALLISON takes VIOLET home and the UNDERLINGS resign themselves to being M3GANBAIT.

UNDERLING

Right, guess it's my job to try and remove the tiny command module from M3GAN's head, requiring me to inch... ever... closer to her seemingly inert form...

OTHERLING

I'll stand tensely over here next to this assortment of random sharp and pointy lab tools!

UNDERLING

And... here we... ACK SHE BROKE FREE AND IS HANGING ME FROM A STEEL CABLE ACK URK

OTHERLING

AND NOW SHE PUNCTURED THAT GIANT PROPANE TANK AAAIEEEE WE'RE SO DEAD

(closes eyes, cowering)

(pause)

(opens eyes)

Oh, the explosion was fairly small and then she... left. Huh.

(rescues Underling)

UNDERLING

Phew! I do NOT understand how the fuck we're still alive.

(shrugs)

Oh well.

(plays Wingspan)

OTHERLING

(Googles)

Ah, there's gonna be sequels. That must be why we're still here.

UNDERLING

Well I'm just saying, if the sequels aren't called MEG4N and ME5AN why even bother.

Meanwhile M3GAN finds RONNY CHIENG and BRUTALLY MURDERS-

M3GAN

Oh wait, wait, the producers just found out about the "Wednesday" dance scene and now we gotta have one. Just a sec.

(does creepy dance)

Everyone get that? Alright kewl.

(murders Ronny)

Plus, I'll frame this other asshole for murder-suicide! Who are you anyway?

ASSHOLE

Oh there was this whole subplot where I was selling company secrets because

M3GAN

YAWWWNNN

(murders)

Wow I see why we didn't bother mentioning you until now. Snooze City! Right, off to T3 myself to the final showdown I guess.

INT. BACK AT ALLISON'S HOUSE

M3GAN plays creepy piano music until ALLISON finally bothers to show up.

M3GAN

As far as I know I've just murdered everyone you work with, so I was thinking let's be a happy family together. Just give me a set of spare keys and go back to however the fuck you spend your day.

ALLISON WILLIAMS

You know I can't give you the keys, right babe?

(attacks with power saw)

M3GAN

Ouch, you cracked my face! Which does go well with the whole killer-robot look, so thanks. Guess I'll go with plan B where I paralyze you and somehow take power of attorney by... hacking or whatever?

VIOLET MCGRAW

(walking in)

Oh shit! Hey Allison, do you want to add a scene early on where you're also building a more traditional big tough robot in your house, and taught me how the controls work, so that I can do a "get away from her you bitch" counterattack?

ALLISON WILLIAMS

Sure! Guess this is MY lucky day.

(winks to camera)

VIOLET uses the BIG ROBOT to RIP M3GAN IN HALF but M3GAN ISN'T DEAD YET! So ALLISON clobbers M3GAN with a large heavy object but M3GAN ISN'T QUITE DEAD YET! So VIOLET stabs a screwdriver into its CPU but M3GAN ISN'T QUITE eh we need to wrap this up already so yeah that did it.

ALLISON WILLIAMS

Phew! C'mon Violet, let's do a traditional "cops & blankets" tableau while I check if the house is covered for murderbot-of-my-own-design damage.

However we see behind them that the SMART HOUSE A.I. is ACTIVE, CREEPILY! So it seems M3GAN ISN'T QUITE DEAD YET AFTER ALL but we already sent the cast home so bye.

END