INT. THE BEGINNING

MAIKA MONROE'S HAND

I am so going to rock this cradle.

INSERT TITLE: Adventures in Babysitting directed by James Wan THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE 2K25

INT. THE HAND THAT HOUSES THE AUTHORITY

MARY ELIZABETH-WINSTEAD is interviewing MAIKA MONROE about her landlord.

MAIKA MONROE

I am your average child caretaker with a heart of gold, but I currently live in filth and squalor. Tell me, Mary, it looks like you are about ready to pop with your second child.

MARY ELIZABETH-WINSTEAD

That is amazing. How did you know?

MAIKA MONROE

I took the liberty of gauging your body temperature, collecting a sample of urine, measuring your acidity level, and performing a small ultrasound under the table while we were talking. You should call an ambulance now. You have precisely one minute before your water breaks, which will expel 3.75 ounces of liquid.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

(running to her car)

I am certainly going to remember this interaction in a year.

EXT. THE HAND THAT SHOPS THE FARMER'S MARKET

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD takes her baby to the farmer's market when she bumps into...

MAIKA MONROE

Mary, what a chance meeting! I see you have your newest vict...adorable bundle of joy with you. I just checked her blood pressure and UV light exposure, and submitted her saliva to 23andMe. I hope I wasn’t overstepping my boundaries.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

I feel safe around you. Come into my home and meet my family.

EXT. THE HAND THAT PARKS THE CAR IN THE GARAGE

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD is unpacking her car when the stroller drifts into a busy street and is almost run over by a car.

DRIVER

You stupid idiot. You almost made me have to be careful while driving. I don’t want to be held accountable for my actions.

MARY ELIZABETH WINSTEAD

I will devote my life to putting a stop sign here. This will consume my life's ambition.

DRIVER

Great, we have Chekhov's stop sign.

INT. THE HAND THAT BABYSITS ON WEEKENDS

MARY ELIZABETH-WINSTEAD invites MAIKA MONROE to babysit her toddler and her tween.

MARY ELIZABETH-WINSTEAD

Maika, you are doing such an excellent job. It’s like you really want to know my kids and you truly respect my rules about no sugar or formula in the house. Let us form a relationship with proper boundaries. Would you like to try on my clothes and hear about my insecurities?

MAIKA MONROE

I don’t want to impose. I am just your average caretaker with absolutely no chip on my shoulder. I can’t even afford chips because I am dreadfully poor.

MARY ELIZABETH-WINSTEAD

That settles it. You are living in our guest bedroom. I also took the liberty of sending you our Social Security numbers and bank passwords.

MAIKA MONROE

Thanks. Here's an odd question that doesn’t pay off in the movie. Were you ever involved in a "Hulu celebrated diverse relationship?"

MARY ELIZABETH-WINSTEAD

Yes, I did participate in a Hulu-celebrated diverse relationship. You also engage in a Hulu-celebrated diverse relationship.

MAIKA MONROE

(speaking for the youth of today that Hulu represents)

I feel seen.

INT. THE HAND THAT PUTS THE FITTED SHEET ON THE BED

RAUL CASTILLO has some concerns for his wife.

RAUL CASTILLO

I am worried about you, honey. The last time you had a depressed episode, you went crazy. You kept raving about RFK Jr.'s trend of drinking raw milk. Are you sure that a full-time nanny will be good for your mental health? I would be much more comfortable if you worked lawyer hours and balanced a lifestyle as a mother.

MARY ELIZABETH-WINSTEAD

I promise, I have a handle on my psychotic episodes.

RAUL CASTILLO

I am convinced. In other news...the electrician came by. He suggested we replace our light fixtures with something more gaslit. I will start my gaslighting project immediately.

EXT. THE HAND THAT SCOOPS THE MAC SALAD FOR THE PICNIC

MAIKA MONROE is having a picnic with the tween, MILEIAH VEGA.

MAIKA MONROE

I know your mom is a big stickler for sugar, so we could betray her confidence and eat these cupcakes. The baby can have some, too.

MILEIAH VEGA

I am relieved my mom didn’t say she hates meth.

MAIKA MONROE

Let me tell you a story. I only ate tuna at my last foster house.

MILEIAH VEGA

Don't spare any details! Was there bread, lettuce, and mayo?

MAIKA MONROE

No. There was no bread, lettuce, or mayo. Keep that story between us, okay?

MILEIAH VEGA

I can understand why you would want to keep such a tragic story private.

INT. THE HAND THAT DEREGULATES THE PHARMACEUTICALS

MAIKA steals MARY'S depression meds and replaces them with ADHD medicine.

MAIKA MONROE

I thought about dipping the pills in Mt. Dew Baja Blast, but I am not that cruel.

INT. THE HAND THAT STIRS THE PASTA

ELIZABETH is hosting a dinner for friends. MAIKA MONROE waltzes into the kitchen.

MAIKA MONROE

This pasta dish needs a little something. Parsley? Garlic? Poison?

(puts poison in the dish)

LATER THAT NIGHT:

MARTIN STARR and RIKI LINDHOME visit for dinner. They all eat the POISON PASTA...INCLUDING THE BABY. MILEIAH and BABY get sick and start vomiting.

MARY ELIZABETH-WINSTEAD

I suck as a mom! I can't even feed my family poisoned pasta correctly! Wahhhhh!

RAUL CASTILLO

Look at the bright side, it's not sugar.

MAIKA MONROE

(jumps through the wall like the Kool-Aid man)

I will rescue your family!

EXT. THE HAND THAT WATERS THE BACKYARD FICUS

MARY ELIZABETH-WINSTEAD comes home to see MAIKA, RAUL, and a TINDER DATE.

MARY ELIZABETH-WINSTEAD

Oh, no! Maika brought a Hulu-celebrated diverse relationship. #wecare. Why does this bother me?

MAIKA takes her TINDER DATE to her room, and they partake in Hulu's celebrated diversity.

MARY ELIZABETH-WINSTEAD wakes up late at night. There is a Christmas tree in the living room, proving my theory that The Hand that Rocks the Cradle is A CHRISTMAS MOVIE. YOU ALL LAUGHED AT ME, BUT NOW WHO IS LAUGHING!!!? Anyways, she sneaks over to the huge viewing window to spy on MAIKA.

MARY ELIZABETH-WINSTEAD

Now would be a good time to chastise Maika for bringing strangers to our home...Or I can quietly stare at her performing the act while we lock eyes.

INT. THE HAND THAT LIGHTS THE ROMAN CANDLE

MARY brings her family home from the 4th of July party. SUDDENLY, FIREWORKS EXPLODE IN MILEAH'S room.

MARY ELIZABETH-WINSTEAD

Oh no! What did I tell you about leaving your lit fireworks on the floor?

MAIKA MONROE

I blame the influence on Mr. Beast.

MARY ELIZABETH-WINSTEAD

YoU ArE FIRED!!!!! GEtttt OUttt of HERE!!!!!!!!!

(starts barking and hopping on one leg)

RAUL CASTILLO

Honey, how can I say this gently? You are nuttier than a squirrel's breakfast. Your brain is out to lunch. You are a few witnesses short of a trial. The hamster wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead.

(adds more oil to the gaslit lanterns)

MARY ELIZABETH-WINSTEAD

You are right, I will apologize for overreacting. Where is she?

RAUL CASTILLO

She left a trail of voodoo dolls in your likeness to a motel.

EXT. THE HAND THAT GOOGLES THE BABYSITTER

MARY asks MARTIN STARR to investigate MAIKA.

MARTIN STARR

I researched her career. She was in Independence Day: Resurgence, The 5th Wave, and Longlegs. Clearly, she has had a traumatic life.

INT. THE HAND THAT RECITES THE TWELVE-STEP PROGRAM

MARY grills MAIKA'S REFERENCE, SHANNON COCHRAN, at the AA meeting.

SHANNON COCHRAN

Fine, I lied, Maika was a homeless drug addict. But she is doing so much better now. When she was on drugs, she could barely come up with a revenge plan, but look at her sober now. Her plan to ruin your life is soooo good.

INT. THE HAND THAT DISCOVERS THE PLOT TWIST

MARTIN confronts MAIKA.

MARTIN STARR

I should tell Mary this groundbreaking revelation, but leaving an open-ended message on her phone is enough. Your parents were killed in a house fire, and Mary was responsible. Now you are making her life a living nightmare as revenge.

MAIKA MONROE

I am so glad you didn't tell anyone. Can I borrow your bat for a second? I want to play...ummm baseball.

MARTIN STARR

Sure, it's next to the incriminating evidence. Unfortunately, I don't have a baseball you can use.

MAIKA MONROE

(bashes Martin's brains)

No worries.

EXT. THE HAND THAT SMACKS THE DAUGHTER

MARY screams at MAIKA at the pool.

MARY ELIZABETH-WINSTEAD

(composed and clear thinking)

MAiKAAAA is TryING toooooooooo KiLLLLLLLL Meeeeeeeee!

(starts marking her territory and claiming the Soviets and the Japanese made up Finland)

RAUL CASTILLO

(investing in the gaslit alternative industry)

Obviously, it's her time of the month.

MARY accidentally UPPERCUTS MILEIAH, sealing the deal that she is a crazy MOM.

MARY ELIZABETH-WINSTEAD

Waaaaaaaaaaah! I am an unfit mother! I can't even uppercut my family right.

EXT. THE HAND THAT DUNKS FROM HALF-COURT

MARY is given custody to attend MILEIAH'S basketball game. RAUL is coming up with pre-made reasons not to believe his wife.

MARY ELIZABETH-WINSTEAD

Mileiah, I want to be a good mother again. Please let me prove I am trustworthy and present by attending your basketball game.

MILEIAH VEGA

Thanks, Mom. I found this incriminating evidence in Maika's room.

MARY ELIZABETH-WINSTEAD

Ummmm...I need to go to the store to get some milk.

(abandons)

INT. THE HAND THAT WROTE THIS RESOLUTION

MARY confronts MAIKA in the home. The baby, who didn't consent to being in this movie, is crying in the background.

MARY ELIZABETH-WINSTEAD

I was young, and your dad was abusing me. One thing led to another, and I burnt your house down and killed both your parents and your sister. Alright, let's bring it in for a healing hug.

MAIKA MONROE

We are just going to leave out the details of how you turned a sexual harassment accusation into a full-blown arson triple murder? You had to do jail time for this.

MARY ELIZABETH-WINSTEAD

California has a rule that if the cops don't believe you, then you get one free crime. I chose wisely.

MAIKA MONROE

I guess game recognizes game. But I still want to murder you, hit on your husband, and raise your daughters.

MARY ELIZABETH-WINSTEAD

Good luck with Raul. He won't believe you are flirting with him.

MAIKA stabs MARY with a smashed glass. MARY spears MAIKA through a glass window.

MAIKA MONROE

If I lie here bleeding, then I can continue the narrative that Mary is a psycho mother. Or...I can chase her with a hammer.

MAIKA jumps on MARY'S SUV and starts meat-tenderizing the windshield. MARY backs up the vehicle, and DRIVER T-bones the car.

DRIVER

Chekhov's Stop Sign!

RAUL CASTILLO

Ohhhhhhhhh....that's what you meant when you said Maika was ruining your life. I see it now.

MAIKA gets disarmed, literally.

MARY ELIZABETH-WINSTEAD

(hugging Mileiah and getting tons of blood on her)

You are safe, my daughter. We can be a healthy and whole family again.

MILEIAH VEGA

(seeing Maika's tattered corpse)

My therapy bills beg to differ.

INT. THE HAND THAT TEASES THE SEQUEL

MILEIAH is talking to BABY. Sinister music plays in the background.

MILEIAH VEGA

I grew up eating only tuna.

BABY

Don't spare the details. Was there mayo, bread, or lettuce?

END