FADE IN:

INT. PREDATOR SCOUT SHIP

In case you don’t remember what happened at the end of the last movie (and really, how could you forget that cinematic masterpiece?) a TEENAGE PREDATOR had unprotected oral sex with a FACE HUGGER and got himself KNOCKED UP.

PREDALIEN

(bursting into existence with cane and top hat)

Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal!

The PREDALIEN goes from DILDO SIZE to GUY IN PROSTHETIC SUIT SIZE in the span of a TINDER SWIPE and starts wrecking all the PREDATORS on board.

CAPTAIN PREDATOR

WHY THE FUCK DID WE NOT GIVE THAT TEENAGE PREDATOR AN ULTRASOUND BEFORE WE BROUGHT HIM ON BOARD??!! No matter! My shoulder mounted bazooka ought to make short work of this vagenis monster! Now, all I have to do is use my advanced pinpoint accurate targeting sensors to hit only the Predalien and not the ship’s fragile pressurized space hull!

(misses)

(causes the ship to crash on Earth)

Whoopsie daisies! It's not my fault I can't see dick with this movie's super dark lighting. I have the brightness on my mask turned up to fucking 100 and I still can't see shit!

On Earth, a FATHER and SON are hunting near the crash sight where some FACE HUGGERS are looking to get their COSBY-ON.

FACE-HUGGER

You got a real purdy mouth.

(face-hugs the dad)

SON

But I’m a kid! No way are they going to show an innocent kid getting mouth rap--

(it happens off screen)

Well alright then.

INT. PREDATOR HOMEWORLD(?)

The PREDATORS live in the toxic waste part of the universe.

BOB THE PREDATOR is sitting in his squad car drinking coffee and eating donuts.

DISPATCH (V.O.)

(on CB radio)

Bob, we just got a distress call from some boys who crash landed on that human planet with all the porn. Says some xenomorphs may have gotten loose, over.

BOB THE PREDATOR

I’ll go check it out.

He puts a siren on top of his rocket car and SPEEDS OFF TO EARTH.

EXT. EARTH - SMALL CANADIAN-ESQUE AMERICAN TOWN

We are hurriedly introduced to some human-shaped objects before they become perforated sacks of meat.

STEVEN PASQUALE

I’m an ex-con who went to jail for agreeing to be on a Dennis Leary TV show!

JOHNNY LEWIS

I’m Steven’s brother and a huge dork who’s in love with the hottest blonde girl in school!

KRISTEN HAGER

I am that hot blonde girl! My other defining traits are being a blonde girl! And hot!

DAVID PAETKAU

I’m Kristen’s boyfriend, and also the asshole jock footballer who leads a multi-ethnic group of bullies who torment Johnny and HOLY SHIT are we literally checking off every cliched teen-angst character in the book?

REIKO AYLESWORTH

Well I’m a wife and mother and military vet, but when I was in high school I totally had glasses and a ponytail and paint on my overalls, swear.

Meanwhile some FACE HUGGERS escape into the sewer and MOUTH FUCK a bunch of HOBOS.

HOBO

When we said we wanted some warm meat in our mouths this is NOT what we were signing up for!

Then the PREDALIEN and a REGULAR ALIEN fight over which one gets to viciously murder a LADY HOBO because think about it how often do you see a LADY HOBO? They’re like unicorns.

Meanwhile BOB THE PREDATOR arrives on Earth in a SPACE COFFIN to investigate.

BOB THE PREDATOR

Predator’s journal. Human carcass in alley this morning, chestburster victim. This planet is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. Remakes, sequels, spinoffs of sequels. The accumulated filth of all their franchises and reboots will foam up about their waists and all the critics and audience members will look up and shout "Save us!"... and I'll whisper "no."

He finds the wrecked scout ship and watches security camera footage of CAPTAIN PREDATOR shooting at the PREDALIEN and missing him by, like, 7 whole feet.

BOB THE PREDATOR

Oy vey, what a putz.

Then he steals some snazzy space weapons and destroys the ship with an IMPLOSION BOMB.

BOB THE PREDATOR

Cool! Implosion bombs could come in handy later on in case I need to ALREADY FORGOTTEN. Now, to destroy all evidence of the face huggers so humans remain none the wiser about the existence of extraterrestrials.

DOOMED POLICE OFFICER

(stumbling across Predator)

Oh. Sorry to interrupt. I’ll just get out of your way

(killed)

BOB THE PREDATOR

Now I’ll brutally skin this guy alive and hang him upside down from a tree... so that humans remain none the wiser about the existence of extraterrestrials? We Predators are a species of contrarians we are.

Meanwhile in town...

KRISTEN HAGER

Hey Johnny, let’s date.

JOHNNY LEWIS

Huh? Wait, am I no longer the town dork/pizza delivery guy?

KRISTEN HAGER

Oh no, you’re still very much a lanky awkward doofus who delivers sodium pies.

JOHNNY LEWIS

And you’re actively coming on to me? Either this is a prank or you have a terminal illness that can only be cured by my shingles.

KRISTEN HAGER

Yeah. Sure. Why not.

INT. SEWER

BOB THE PREDATOR is looking for some NINJA TURTLES when he suddenly comes upon some NINJA ALIENS instead.

BOB THE PREDATOR

I’ll just line these sewer tunnels with deadly lasers! This technology might come in handy later if I need to ALREADY FORGOTTEN.

But the PREDALIEN isn’t having ANY of that shit and escapes to the surface with his GANG OF VINTAGE ALIENS where they fight over who gets to torture and violently assault a HELPLESS WAITRESS.

PREDALIEN

Um, I’m starting to notice a disturbing trend in our behavior. If this hits the internet it could totally ruin our brand as equal opportunity murder machines.

ALIEN

You’re right, I’ll go to the power station and blow it up before TMZ gets the scoop on us.

PREDALIEN

(with pyramid claws)

Excellent.

INT. INDOOR SWIMMING POOL

KRISTEN HAGER

Johnny, I’ve brought you here to seduce you.

JOHNNY LEWIS

But you didn’t even buy me dinner first. Didn’t we literally start dating 5 minutes ago? This movie has aliens and predators and face raping vagina monsters, yet all that stuff is somehow way more believable than you trying to Netflix and Chill with me.

DAVID PAETKAU

That’s why I’ve stalked you both here flanked by my two body guards/alien lunchables.

KRISTEN HAGER’S ASS

I actually get more extended close-ups than anybody else in this entire movie.

The ALIENS snack on the LUNCHABLES and BOB THE PREDATOR arrives later to clean up the CRIME SCENE.

BOB THE PREDATOR

Yup, all this time and effort spent covering up alien evidence will definitely be worth it in the end, just you wait and see!

The MILITARY is called in and they go FULL GORMAN. You never go FULL GORMAN.

Meanwhile...

INT. HOSPITAL

The PREDALIEN and his band of ALIEN RIGHTS ACTIVISTS go straight to the maternity ward and fight over which one gets to use their penis-tongues to murder-rape a room full of PREGNANT WOMEN.

PREDALIEN

Alright at this point I think we should just own it. Yes we’re fucking monsters and we enjoy killing everybody but we ESPECIALLY enjoy killing women. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to establish that predator-alien hybrids can implant multiple alien babies into a single host because alien queens in the arctic was so incredibly fucking dumb we just HAD to top it somehow.

INT. GUN SHOP

All the previously mentioned HUMAN-SHAPED OBJECTS all meet up.

DAVID PAETKAU

(becomes alien chow)

IDIOT POLICE CHIEF

The military wants us to lead the aliens to the center of town where a huge “drop nuke here” sign is.

REIKO AYLESWORTH

Well I look vaguely Ripley-esque so I think the military are dicks so let’s escape in the hospital’s helicopter instead.

STEVEN PASQUALE

Reiko knows Jack Bauer so I believe her.

JOHNNY LEWIS

Steven’s my brother so I’ll blindly follow his lead. What about you, Kristen?

KRISTEN HAGER

Fire bad, tree pretty.

JOHNNY LEWIS

I really hope you don’t die before I get to plow you.

INT. HOSPITAL

BOB THE PREDATOR is owning some ALIENS when he suddenly throws his fan-made KRULL GLAIVE replica.

KRISTEN HAGER

Oooh a Frisbee! I’ll catch it with my abdomen!

(nailed right to the fucking wall)

BOB THE PREDATOR

Whoops. Please, don’t anybody upload this to Fail Army.

JOHNNY shoots at the PREDATOR who just stands there like a dingus.

BOB THE PREDATOR

I’d actually fight back if I wasn’t laughing so hard at how unintentionally hilarious Kristen’s death was. I mean she walked RIGHT INTO IT.

BOB THE PREDATOR is laughing so hard he falls down an elevator shaft but not before dropping his SAWED-OFF PLASMA SHOTGUN.

STEVEN PASQUALE

I’m still somehow the action guy in this movie so I’ll take that! Now everybody get to da choppa! Game over man! If it bleeds we can kill it! They mostly come out at night, mostly! Okay was that enough shameless callbacks? Good. Now let’s end this fucking thing already.

STEVEN, JOHNNY, REIKO and her daughter NOT NEWT escape in the CHOPPA while PREDALIEN and BOB THE PREDATOR face-off.

BOB THE PREDATOR

There’s no contest here. I’ll just use one of a dozen cool weapons I have and end this in seconds. Just so long as you don’t invoke the An’old rule which requires me by law to drop all my weapons and fight you hand to hand--

PREDALIEN

OOOHHH THAT! I CHOOSE THAT!!!

BOB THE PREDATOR

Damnit, I just had to go and open my big vulva shaped mouth.

They FIGHT, but the filmmakers are too chickenshit to pick a side so it’s a DRAW.

Meanwhile the military nukes the entire fucking town because THAT’S something they’ll be able to explain without revealing the existence of GODDAMN ALIENS.

YUTANI CORP

Now we have the ability to reverse engineer the Predator shotgun into making space ships, just like you can reverse engineer a toaster into making a jet plane. We’re going to be so freaking rich!

WAL-MART

We still buy you out in a couple hundred years. Seriously. Google it.

END