FADE IN:

EXT. BRAZILIAN RAINFOREST

The CAMERA pans through the forest, wondering what ruthless predator it shall find lurking in the foliage. And sure enough, above the forest floor, perched on a wooden platform, reading a magazine, generally lounging about, is feared jungle hunter NICOLAS CAGE!

NICOLAS CAGE

Wow this article is so engrossing I almost forgot that I strung up a dead animal to catch a giant vicious jaguar, that could be here any second OH HEY THERE IT IS WELP

NIC decides to retrieve his TRANQ GUN and LOAD IT in the remaining 0.7 seconds before being utterly mauled by a HILARIOUSLY CGI LEAPING WHITE JAGUAR, because what kind of idiot would load their gun BEFOREHAND?!? NOT NIC CAGE, THAT'S WHO!!

NICOLAS CAGE

Ha ha, I can just weakly flail with this tranq dart, and the CGI team will line up the jaguar so I hit it!

(flails)

The JAGUAR is successfully TRANQUILIZED! It passes out and it begins to RAIN!

NICOLAS CAGE

If this movie were made a year later you KNOW I'd be making a WAP joke right about now. But instead I'll say---YOU JUST GOT CAAAGED, YO!!

(pause)

Literally, I am about to put you into a cage.

NIC takes the JAGUAR back to the local village and loads it into his CARGO TRUCK with a bunch of other captured animals.

LOCAL GUY

Please don't take the white jaguar. It has great symbolic and cultural value to us!

NICOLAS CAGE

Sorry, I'm starting this movie in full asshole mode, so FUCK YOU! Also fuck you, helpful kid! Fuck you too, loyal parrot! Fuck you gasoline! Fuck you oxygen!

NIC drives through the JUNGLE and it seems we have a lot of CREDITS to get through so we watch NIC DRIVING for QUITE SOME FUCKING TIME.

EXT. SHIPPING DOCKS

NIC watches his animals get loaded on board, DICKISHLY. Suddenly LOTS OF SINISTER BLACK CARS drive up! From the cars emerge SOLDIERS and a shackled KEVIN DURAND!

KEVIN DURAND

(grins maniacally)

Hey everyone. I heard maybe Nic Cage had forgotten how to Nic Cage so I came over to this Nic Cage movie to remind Nic Cage what is up.

(bugs eyes out)

NICOLAS CAGE

Nuh-uh! This is laid-back Con Air Cage you're dealing with son. I mean look at you, a dangerous criminal getting loaded onto unusual transportation.

KEVIN DURAND

We'll see.

(contorts face)

Also with KEVIN are US Attorney MICHAEL IMPERIOLI and Navy officer doctor FAMKE JANSSEN.

FAMKE JANSSEN

Hmph, you won't see ME participating in any face-contorting nonsense. Mostly because I cannot move my face.

MICHAEL IMPERIOLI

We must transport this dangerous assassin mercenary special black-ops super soldier rogue opssassin special merc dangerary back to America. This is a highly sensitive classified operation, so I'm happy to explain the whole thing over dinner to anyone who's interested.

INT. ON BOARD THE FATEFUL SHIP

NIC and various CREWMEMBERS sit down with MIKE and FAMKE to learn more about what sneaky covert ops are going on.

NICOLAS CAGE

So what are you FEDERAL assholes up to anyway with your dirty FEDERAL sleazeball FEDERAL bullshit? Fucking FEDERAL douchebags! Why can't you leave the transport of ruthless criminals to our beloved municipal employees?

FAMKE JANSSEN

We had to move Durand by boat because he has a condition where he can't handle changes in pressurization. Trying to fly him at any altitude would cause seizures.

NICOLAS CAGE

Wow that sure sounds like an Achilles heel that an action hero could craftily make use of in a final showdown!

(takes notes)

FAMKE JANSSEN

No five minutes from now we forget all about that.

NICOLAS CAGE

But what if he calls for a helicopter to escape! I could jump in and fly upwards until-

MICHAEL IMPERIOLI

Nic, please, it's done. It got us on the boat, four minutes from now it vanishes.

NICOLAS CAGE

Fine, fine, dammit.

(throws notes overboard)

Wait, why four minutes from now?

INT. BELOW DECKS - PRISONER STORAGE WING

KEVIN DURAND has been put into a CAGE but like a LITERAL CAGE not NIC CAGE.

KEVIN DURAND

Argh, despite a lack of any change in altitude, I am having a seizure! Argh!

GUARDS

OH SHIT, QUICK, OPEN THE CAGE THEN JAM OUR GUNS UP OUR OWN ASS AND FIRE FAST AS WE CAN

(dead)

KEVIN successfully ESCAPES just before the PLOT DEVICE runs out!

INT. ELSEWHERE IN THE BOAT

The SOLDIERS cram everyone inside ONE ROOM to keep them safe from KEVIN DURAND. They let NIC go to feed his ANIMALS but-

NICOLAS CAGE

Oh no Durand let them out! The white jaguar, the venomous snakes, the barrel of monkeys, even the hungry hungry hippos!! All gone!!!

NICOLAS angrily grabs a RADIO so he can talk angry to KEVIN.

KEVIN DURAND

(over radio)

Well well, Nic Cage himself. Guess we gotta interact or some shit, what makes you think you can defeat me? Also what are your interests and what do you hope to get out of this relationship?

NICOLAS CAGE

Obviously I'm ex-Special Beret Seal Team Strike Force Squad Alpha Bravo Danger Rangers, to go along with having worked at 200 different zoos and then a whole career in black-market international animal smuggling. I've been alive almost 60 goddamn years after all so fuck it, I also have nine university degrees and five Olympic medals in cycling.

KEVIN DURAND

Very well! I look forward to our final rose ceremony, I mean, battle. Until then, let us commence the middle section of picking off goober idiots!

INT. VARIOUS PLACES AROUND THE SHIP

Everyone WANDERS AROUND so this part of the movie can happen.

SOLDIER

Argh, I foolishly walked right into Kevin Durand's ambush! Which was him waiting behind a door until I opened it.

(dead)

OTHER SOLDIER

Argh, I have thrown myself to the floor and will surely be mauled by the CGI Jaguar in post! Urk, gurgle!

(dead)

HEAD SOLDIER

Argh, I forgot I'm not actually Mac from Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.!

(dead)

REPEAT AS NECESSARY until...

INT. CARGO HOLD - ANIMAL SECTION

But NOW there is a STANDOFF with NIC, KEVIN, and the CGI JAGUAR! Also that dumb helpful kid is there so lacklustre it's like he was staring at his PHONE the whole time and they digitally edited out the phone.

KEVIN DURAND

Ha ha, you're fucked Cage! You'd have to possess ridiculous superhuman reflexes to deal with me AND the jaguar before one of us murders the kid! Hey kid, try to look worried, eh?

NICOLAS CAGE

You forgot I don't need to give a shit, I can shoot wildly and flail and it'll all be edited like I'm Jet Li times a million. So there!

(flails)

NIC gets out of the JAM! Eventually he finds FAMKE JANSSEN.

NICOLAS CAGE

This is getting a bit silly. There's only one of him and a whole crew of us.

FAMKE JANSSEN

Except most of the crew that Kevin hasn't already killed just hopped in a lifeboat and fucked off. Now there's just a handful of us.

NICOLAS CAGE

And I know what YOU want a handful of, aw yeah.

(strikes awkward pose, leers)

FAMKE JANSSEN

Sweet Lord Jesus please tell me you don't still think you're a sex symbol.

NICOLAS CAGE

C'mon baby, I know what our complete lack of chemistry means.

(leers more)

FAMKE JANSSEN

If I fall down can we say I got killed by the jaguar?

The remaining characters WANDER THE FUCK AROUND MORE and eventually NIC gets captured by KEVIN, RUH ROH! KEVIN begins dragging NIC away but a RANDOM SOLDIER gets the drop on him!

RANDOM SOLDIER

AW YES! THIS IS THE DAY, THIS IS IT! FINALLY, OUR TIME HAS COME!!! EXTRAS EVERYWHERE REJOICE FOR AT LAST, ONE OF US SHALL FINALLY TAKE DOWN THE MAIN

(dead)

MICHAEL IMPERIOLI

(lowers smoking gun)

Ooh I'm NSA and kind of evil, surprise! Okay Kevin, you go do what you gotta do but remember, after you're done torturing Nic and murdering the crew and smashing all the controls and sabotaging the water supply and escaping, we had a DEAL! Where you do none of that but instead help me and the NSA. Maybe I should look up what a "deal" is.

INT. BACK IN THE ANIMAL HOLD

NIC regains consciousness to find himself tied up in... a CAGE!!

KEVIN DURAND

That's right fucker! It's a NIC CAGE CAGE!! I CAGED NIC CAGE!! Basically this whole sorry exercise can end now, having achieved its only real purpose.

NICOLAS CAGE

I insist on seeing this through to the bitter end! Why haven't you killed me already, my greatest nemesis?

KEVIN DURAND

Oh, ah, there's some bullshit thing I need that you hid, let's go with that.

NICOLAS CAGE

(struggling)

I'll never give in, you hear me?! I'll never tell you! Also, your location choice for our reward getaway sucks!

KEVIN DURAND

Oh maybe I can't kill YOU... not halfway through the film anyway... but I can murder... YOUR BIRDS!

(begins shooting birds)

NICOLAS CAGE

OH YOU ASSHOLE! Those birds have wingspans under 20 inches, I need them for bonus card scoring, you FUCK!! Fine fine, the thingie you need is in the place I put it.

KEVIN DURAND

Perfect! Now I can radio for a helicopter to make my escape, since we really have stopped giving any fucks whatsoever about that whole altitude-seizure thing!

NICOLAS CAGE

(seethes)

It seems KEVIN has a clear path to victory but suddenly the ENGINES stop!

KEVIN DURAND

Shit, not the engines! My plan hinged on fucking up every single part of this boat EXCEPT the engines!

KEVIN hops into a nearby VENT to teleport to the ENGINE ROOM to murderize more CREW, allowing IMPERIOLI to rescue NIC and call an EMERGENCY MEETING on the main deck!

EXT. MAIN DECK

NIC, FAMKE, IMPERIOLI, the STUPID FUCKING DUMB KID, and oh, maybe two remaining crewmembers, begin prepping the BACKUP LIFEBOAT while all FULLY ARMED with GUNS and RIFLES and shit.

NICOLAS CAGE

With all of us at the ready, Durand will really have to do something clever to get the drop on us!

KEVIN DURAND

(opens door halfway across the ship in plain sight)

(walks towards them)

NICOLAS CAGE

AW FUCK EVERYONE SCATTER OH SHIT CURSE HIS SPECIAL ASSASSIN TRAINING!!!

(shoots wildly)

(leaps for cover)

KEVIN DURAND

(grabs kid)

Right, all of you surrender or I shoot the kid!

FAMKE JANSSEN

You think he'd even notice? He barely reacted when his Dad got bit by one of Nic's snakes and has been desperately clinging to life ever since.

KEVIN DURAND

Well a bullet took out the spare lifeboat so that's fucked anyway. Right, let's take five and then do the final showdown or whatever.

(goes to crafts table)

INT. BELOW DECKS

Everyone WANDERS AROUND THE FUCKING BOAT SOME MORE.

NICOLAS CAGE

I have a plan. Famke, keep wandering the ship, but be noisier about it so that you get caught by Kevin. Meanwhile I will anticipate where he'll strike and kill him first.

FAMKE JANSSEN

If you're so goddamn awesome at predicting where Kevin will be, what the fuck do you need me for? Just go murder him.

NICOLAS CAGE

WE MUST DANCE THE DEADLY DANCE OF DEATH, FAMKE

FAMKE JANSSEN

Ugh fine...

(kicks over heap of pots and pans)

(throws cymbals into china cabinet)

(plays "Interstellar" soundtrack)

(is captured)

But no sooner has KEVIN grabbed FAMKE than NIC steps out from the shadows with his KICKASS COMPOSITE BOW!

NICOLAS CAGE

You may already have bested me with hand-to-hand, and with guns, but how about ARROWS, fuckwad?!?

MICHAEL IMPERIOLI

Not so fast! I need Durand alive for shady NSA reasons! Looks like we have another tense standoff requiring only the sharpest reflexes in Earth to survive!

FAMKE JANSSEN

(elbows Kevin)

NICOLAS CAGE

(flails)

IMPERIOLI gets SHOT DEAD but KEVIN gets away with FAMKE and for good measure grabs the STUPID KID again since he's basically a FREE THROW-IN with any hostage situation.

INT. PIPE ROOM

KEVIN ties up FAMKE and the KID to various PIPES!

KEVIN DURAND

Now Nic has no choice but to come to me, heh heh. I hold all the final roses, I mean, cards!

NICOLAS CAGE

(over radio)

Hey Kevin. I thought maybe we could do the final showdown over in my room instead where I hold all the cards. Cool?

KEVIN DURAND

ARGH CURSE YOUR DEVIOUS STRATAGEMS! Very well! But first I shall release the other deadly snake, and then we'll forget all about this room and neither of you will die and really there wasn't much point to either of you, was there.

FAMKE JANSSEN

Like the rest of this shit movie has any point?

KEVIN DURAND

Touche.

INT. ANIMAL STORAGE ROOM

KEVIN arrives for the final showdown with NIC, sure to be the MOST DRAMATIC FINAL SHOWDOWN in MOVIES WITH CGI JAGUARS AND NIC CAGE HISTORY!!!!

NICOLAS CAGE

We haven't done knife fighting yet! Let's knife fight!

(fights)

KEVIN DURAND

Cool! Now let's throw each other around the room a bit.

(fights)

NICOLAS CAGE

Neat! Hey now how about you step into that huge circle of rope over there.

KEVIN DURAND

Well okay, I'm not familiar with this fighting style but-

(caught in leg trap)

(swept upwards)

(dangling from ceiling)

Oh I see now.

NICOLAS CAGE

Even better, I recaptured the jaguar earlier so now I can release it RIGHT IN YOUR FUCKING FACE!

(does so)

Too bad we don't have the resources to actually show you get mauled to death, or even invest in some decent sound effects. I'll just stagger over to the door while we assume the jaguar is devouring Kevin and not chasing the asshole who caught and caged it, twice.

EXT. MAIN DECK

NIC and FAMKE and the KID and the PARROT and the other few survivors bask in their VICTORY.

FAMKE JANSSEN

Well Nic, you managed to be better at murder than the deranged evil assassin Kevin Durand, so I guess that makes you... a good man.

NICOLAS CAGE

I guess it does.

(beams)

FAMKE JANSSEN

So as a good man, can I assume you'll be taking the jaguar back to its natural habitat? Like that entire village pleaded with you to?

NICOLAS CAGE

What? Aw but that village is like WAAAAAAYYYYYY OVER THERE, I DON'T WANNA DRIVE THROUGH ALL THOSE CREDITS AGAIN look I'll take it to a nice zoo somewhere, well a decent zoo, or at least a nice restaurant. Deal?

PARROT

(landing on Nic's shoulder)

Sqwawk! That's a deal Nic!

NICOLAS CAGE

Then I guess there's only one thing left to say.

(deep breath)

YYYAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

END