If you cross your eyes and pull back from the screen, you can see a much better movie.

FINDING DORY

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

INT. JOHN LASSETER’S HOUSE, LATE AT NIGHT

Animation legend JOHN LASSETER steps into his GORGEOUS POST-MODERN MANSION, yawns, and takes a glass of MILK from his AU PAIR, ALAYNA.

JOHN LASSETER

Thank you, Alayna.

ALAYNA

(sweating nervously)

Yes, Mr. Lasseter. Your day was good, yes?

JOHN LASSETER

It was alright. Disney’s riding my ass about Pixar sequels. I’m like, fuck, why mess with the formula?! We shat out probably the best winning streak of any studio in cinema history, all original scripts. But noooo, the world NEEDS Incredibles 2. Thought we were done with that Mike Eisner cash grab bullshit, swear to god…

(sips milk)

You seem tense, Alayna. Doing alright?

ALAYNA

(shaking)

(blinking “SOS” in Morse code)

Yes, yes Mr. Lasseter. I doing just fine. You want I get you some tea or maybe a RUN JOHN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

She falls to the floor, an ANESTHETIC DART protruding from her NECK. The LIGHTS come on. LASSETER spins around, and the GLASS OF MILK crashes to the floor. ELLEN DEGENERES sits in his FAVORITE CHAIR, DART GUN in hand, EYES BLAZING.

JOHN LASSETER

H…h…h-hello, Ellen.

ELLEN DEGENERES

(stares)

JOHN LASSETER

H…how’s the show going? Heard you had a six-year old juggler on last week. That’s…that’s fun.

ELLEN DEGENERES

(stares)

JOHN LASSETER

(pause)

How’s Portia? You two seem so cute on Twitter-

With a SUDDEN MOTION, ELLEN whips something at JOHN. JOHN screams and CATCHES IT reflexively. A DORY PLUSHIE is in his hands.

JOHN LASSETER

N-n-no, Ellen. We don’t do sequels. We can’t. Toy Story, I mean, we actually had an idea where we could take it. And Cars, you know, a guy’s gotta eat…

ELLEN DEGENERES

(stares)

(strokes dart gun)

JOHN LASSETER

It’s been thirteen years, Ellen! Christ, what’s the story gonna be about!? The dentist’s failing business?! Nemo’s PTSD?!

ELLEN DEGENERES

(aims the dart gun at JOHN)

JOHN LASSETER

Fine! FINE! We’ll make the goddam movie! We’ll…. We’ll call it Finding Dory.

ELLEN DEGENERES

Good.

(suddenly bright and chipper)

I’ll be in the booth on Thursday! Better have a script done! Toodles!

ELLEN puts on a SCUBA MASK and dives into the RIVER that JOHN LASSETER actually has running through his HOUSE. LASSETER collapses to his KNEES in a puddle of MILK and URINE.

FADE IN:

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

Access Denied!

Sorry, this script is a patron-exclusive. Whenever you see the Patreon icon next to a script, that means the script is for Patrons only, and you'll to log into to Patreon to view it. Fucking bullshit, am I right?

If you want, you can become a Patron yourself by pledging a single dollar per month to help keep the site updated regularly. Depending on how much you pledge, you'll be able to read this script and a bunch of others.

Already a patron? You just need to log in to Patreon and find the posted link to this script.

Discussion