FADE IN:

INT. A HAUNTED HOUSE

SAM ROCKWELL, ROSEMARIE DEWITT, and their THREE DIPSHIT CHILDREN are moving into a HOUSE that is NOT CLEAN.

SAM ROCKWELL

That’s right folks, I moved my family into this house without doing a shred of basic research on the property’s history or talking to the neighbors or with the assumption there were never any reports of strange happenings under the previous owners.

ROSEMARIE DEWITT

You’ve... you’ve basically just signed all of our death warrants!

SAM ROCKWELL

Oh buck up sweetheart! Maybe it’ll take the poltergeists a few months before they start to show themselves.

SAM and his family move in and the POLTERGEISTING starts IMMEDIATELY.

KENNEDI CLEMENTS

As the youngest girl child the poltergeists will be all over me like Josh Dugger at a family reunion!

KYLE CATLETT

As the middle child I will sense I am in a horror film and will wear this terrified derp face throughout the entire runtime!

SAXON SHARBINO

And as the only teenager I will be

(just... beyond fucking annoying)

KENNEDI CLEMENTS

Kyle, look! Touching this closet door in my room makes your hair stand on end!

KYLE CATLETT

Cool! Let’s not tell anyone about this or film it in any way!

KENNEDI CLEMENTS

Holy shit is this really still our very first night in the house? A bunch of impatient cunts these poltergeists are.

KYLE CATLETT

OH SHIT A DEMON SQUIRREL JUST TRIED TO CLAW MY FACE OFF! Oh, and I also found this creepy clown doll I will battle in the middle of the movie instead of during the climax because nostalgia. A little help, dad?

SAM ROCKWELL

Sorry son, but I can’t take any of this seriously so I’ll just do some of my vintage goofball Sam Rockwellness because I clearly don’t know what kind of movie I signed on to.

POLTERGEISTS

Oh you’ll take this seriously once we start fucking with all of your shit!

All of the electronics go BATSHIT and KYLE catches KENNEDI talking to their PLASMA SCREEN.

KENNEDI CLEMENTS

“They’re heeeeeere.” Wait, I still looked kind of adorable when I said that and not creepy at all. Can I get a do-over?

KYLE CATLETT

Dad! Kennedi’s talking to people inside the TV!

SAM ROCKWELL

What’s the TV saying to you, sweetheart?

KENNEDI CLEMENTS

It’s pissed NBC cancelled Hannibal. Netflix had better pick it up. WHY ARE YOU NOT WATCHING IT PEOPLE?! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!

ROSEMARIE DEWITT

Holy shit, is this still all happening on the same night?! Why am I not grabbing my children and leaving an us-shaped puff of smoke behind as I usher us all away?

SAM ROCKWELL

Relax sweetheart, I’m sure nothing else weird will happen.

KYLE CATLETT

I just found an obviously human vertebrae bone buried in the front yard!

SAM ROCKWELL

Okay-- NOW I’m sure nothing ELSE weird will happen after that.

KYLE CATLETT

I was just attacked by a pile of comically stacked comic books!

SAM ROCKWELL

That’s not weird son, that’s just hilarious.

KYLE CATLETT

But I’m a child trying to convince adults of paranormal activity!

SAM ROCKWELL

And I’m being a good parent by completely ignoring you! That’s the right response for horror situations like this, right?

SAM and ROSEMARIE attend a dinner party where they are served a steaming pile of YOUR HOUSE WAS BUILT ON A CEMETERY YOU FUCKING MORONS!

SAM ROCKWELL

It was? Huh. Interesting.

(gets plastered)

ROSEMARIE DEWITT

Whoawhoawhoa you don’t just gloss over something like that! This seems like a pretty huge issue you’d think would have made the national news, or at least a disingenuously titled Cracked article! Our children are alone in that house as we speak! Maybe we should go check on them?

SAM ROCKWELL

Really? And miss out on all this free food? Especially given that whole throwaway subplot about me being broke?

ROSEMARIE DEWITT

Damn, good point. I’m sure they’ll be as safe as houses!

(stuffs purse full of shrimp)

SAM and ROSEMARIE return home to find SAXON being drowned by a SKELETON, KYLE being thrashed by GROOT, and KENNEDI trapped inside the TV.

SAM ROCKWELL

Fucking Sony! I knew I should have bought a Toshiba! Damn you poltergeists! Granted you’re dead and that sucks, but why would you abduct an innocent little girl?

POLTERGEISTS

Because being dead turns you into an asshole.

SAM ROCKWELL

Okay let’s think about this for a moment. So you guys died and were buried, then sometime later a housing development was built over your graves. Did the construction somehow snatch your souls out of the afterlife and trap you in this world? How exactly does this work?

POLTERGEISTS

Swap construction with remake and you might be on to something.

ROSEMARIE DEWITT

But why are you only haunting our house instead of any of the other dozen houses on the block?

POLTERGEISTS

The Poltergeist’s Union prevents us from haunting more than a single house at a time. Take it up with our union rep. Now if you’ll excuse us we have geist-related things to do with your daughter. Muhahahah!!!

(act like dickheads)

ROSEMARIE DEWITT

Sam! We need to call the police!

SAM ROCKWELL

OR, we could call in TV wackjob Jarred Harris instead of reporting Kennedi missing, that way the police will have an extra person to charge with criminal negligence.

JARRED HARRIS arrives in a TAXI while wearing a LONG BLACK OUTFIT and a HAT while standing under a STREET LAMP.

JARRED HARRIS

Wow! I can’t believe I landed the role of Father Merrin-- shiiiiit, wrong remake. Wait, they got ME to fill in for Zelda Rubinstein? What, was Kevin Hart not available? Anyway, I’m a ghostologist and this is my ex-wife Jane Adams and her sidekick Nicholas Braun, who graduated from the Walter Peck School of Unlikeable Douchebags.

NICHOLAS BRAUN

The poltergeists attacked me in an extended Home Improvement DVD extra, but I won’t mention it to anyone because that whole scene was added just to get us over the 90 minute mark.

JARRED HARRIS

So Sam, I hear your house was built on a cemetery?

SAM ROCKWELL

That’s right. Forgive me for being so laid back about it but I’m still kind of bummed out Marvel hasn’t approached me for a Justin Hammer origin franchise. So why did the poltergeists take my daughter?

JARRED HARRIS

They need Kennedi to help them cross over into the afterlife.

SAM ROCKWELL

What makes them think a fucking 6 year old knows how to do that?

JARRED HARRIS

They probably read it on Buzz Feed. Who knows? Anyway, my plan to get Kennedi back involves dropping this rope through the ghost portal in Kennedi’s closet.

JANE ADAMS

Because... ghosts can’t cut through rope? I realize that was in the original movie but at least its stupidity could be blamed on being set during the Reagan era.

JARRED HARRIS

I will also need Kyle to pilot this drone into the portal, which I will track with this GPS, which also works inside the portal, somehow.

KYLE CATLETT

It’s a good thing we didn’t already establish that the poltergeists can disrupt electronics otherwise that part of the plan is fucked.

JARRED HARRIS

No one likes a smartass, Kyle. Now get to droning.

KYLE flies the drone into THE FURTHER where all of the POLTERGEISTS are having NAP TIME inside the walls and floors.

KENNEDI CLEMENTS

Help me! It smells like cat pee and grandma’s house in here! Someone has to cross over into Corpseworld and get me!

ROSEMARIE DEWITT

Sam, let’s you and me argue over who should go in while completely ignoring the fact Kyle has already snuck upstairs unnoticed.

JARRED HARRIS

I am SO giving CPS a call when this is all over.

KYLE crosses over into CARTOON CORPSEWORLD and finds KENNEDI trapped inside a RESIDENT EVIL CUT SCENE.

KYLE CATLETT

This is, without a doubt, the most terrifying thing I have ever seen!

KENNEDI CLEMENTS

You mean how these CGI effects aren’t even close to being as creepy or effective as the ones used 33 years ago?

KYLE CATLETT

Bingo. I mean Jesus fuck, Five Nights at Freddy’s has scarier graphics than this!

KENNEDI CLEMENTS

Maybe you’re just one of those hipster douchebags who never gives remakes a chance!

KYLE CATLETT

Oh please, this film is a whole 30 minutes shorter than the original because they left out, like, ALL of the best parts! No coffins sprouting out of the ground, no rotating room, no JoBeth Williams on the ceiling in her underwear, and worst of all: NO MISTER ROGERS! This is basically a theatrical “The Asylum” ripoff!

KENNEDI CLEMENTS

Shit, you’re right! Let’s get out of here before the poltergeists notice us!

POLTERGEISTS

Hey look everybody! Now we got TWO innocent kids to help us cross over! Things are sure looking up for us disembodied folk heywaitaminute, what’s this rope doing here? HEY! You kids get back here! Hey!

KYLE and KENNEDI fall through a supernatural sphincter in the ceiling and return to the LIVING WORLD, covered in ASS JUICE.

JARRED HARRIS

Holy shit, that last part’s not even a joke. Get these children to the bathroom two doors down from the evil corpse portal!

POLTERGEISTS

It’s a good thing we don’t still need those kids otherwise this might be the perfect time to snatch them back up!

SAM ROCKWELL

We’ve dunked Kyle and Kennedi in the bubble bath of life and now they’re safe! Time to get my family the fuck out of here!

ROSEMARIE DEWITT

Word!

Everyone piles into the family SUV.

JARRED HARRIS

Wait! You can’t leave until I lazily reference that other pop culture line from the original movie: “This house is clean”.

KENNEDI CLEMENTS

Bullshit! You guys pulled me out before I could lead the poltergeists into the afterlife! Now they’re seriously pissed off!

POLTERGEISTS

We are? Oh yeah! Thanks for reminding us, Kennedi!

They use POLTERGEIST MAGIC to pull the SUV into the house and try to CRUSH the family to death!

KENNEDI CLEMENTS

How the hell am I supposed to help you asshats if I’m dead like you?

POLTERGEISTS

We’re poltergeists! Not geniusgeists! NOW GET OVER HERE!

KENNEDI CLEMENTS

(is bungee corded up the stairs!)

SAM ROCKWELL

Oh God, please, someone tell me that WASN’T supposed to be so hilarious!

Everybody runs upstairs to see KENNEDI being sucked into the POLTERGEIST VORTEX, or POLTER-TEX, that’s formed inside her closet.

ROSEMARIE DEWITT

I got you sweetheart! I’ll never let you go!

A METRIC FUCKTON of CGI CORPSES reach out of the POLTER-TEX and grab KENNEDI’S LEG!

ROSEMARIE DEWITT

Fuuuck. Err, on second thought maybe we should just say our goodbyes instead? We’ll miss you Kennedi!

JARRED HARRIS

Alright alright, I guess I had better sacrifice myself to save everyone.

SAM ROCKWELL

Huh? But I thought the poltergeists needed a young uncorrupted soul to lead them to the afterlife?

POLTERGEISTS

We suddenly have very low standards.

PRODUCERS SAM RAIMI AND ROBERT TAPERT

Not unlike the makers of this film!

JARRED goes inside the CORPSE PORTAL and leads the POLTERGEISTS into the LIGHT, destroying the HOUSE.

JANE ADAMS

Nooooo! And Jarred and I were just starting to rekindle our relationship that no one cared about!

INT. A DIFFERENT HAUNTED HOUSE

SAM and his family are planning to move into ANOTHER house, but then ditch the realtor when her back is turned.

REALTOR

You little bastards! I had to drive over 40 minutes to get here! You just wasted my precious time!

SAM ROCKWELL

See kids? The moral of the story is: surviving a haunting means you get to be an asshole!

ROSEMARIE DEWITT

But wait a second, aren't we broke? And unless "destroyed by ghosts" was covered in our insurance policy we just took a huge financial hit on that last house as well as having lost all our worldly possessions including our car and have no business looking for another house so soon.

SAM ROCKWELL

Honey, we're all smiling and laughing while listening to upbeat music so everything's going to be okay!

ROSEMARIE DEWITT

But--

SAM ROCKWELL

(covers ears)

LA LA DEE DA LAAAAAAAA LAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

END

INT. POST CREDIT SCENE

JARRED HARRIS

(pops into frame)

Aaaaaand I’m still alive! Somehow!

JANE ADAMS

Unless you transform into Thanos nobody gives a shit.

JARRED HARRIS

Aww damnit.