"We are here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and we're all out of bubblegum."

PREDATOR 2

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. A SPRAWLING JUNGLE DEEP IN THE HEART OF OOPS

EXT. THE CONCRETE JUNGLE OF LOS ANGELES - 1997

The Fox Executives figured it would be cheaper to film this sequel in LA instead of a less smelly jungle and with the second best LETHAL WEAPON instead of the 800 pounds of pure testosterone known as THE GOVERNATOR.

In the streets a gang of Jamaican stereotypes are warring with a gang of Latin stereotypes before Muslim stereotypes take all their jobs in 4 years.

JAMAICAN GANG

(loads guns full of voodoo dolls and shoots at other gang)

LATIN GANG

(turns burritos into grenades and hurls them at other gang)

Then the writers spin the BIG WHEEL OF STOCK 80s ACTION CHARACTERS and lands on “RECKLESS COP WHO TAKES MATTERS INTO HIS OWN HANDS WHILE SHOOTING EVERYTHING THAT CAN BE SHOT”.

MARTIN RIGGS

Hey that sounds like me!

DANNY GLOVER

No no they said the SECOND most Lethal Weapon, not the crazy Jew hating Lethal Weapon. Now shoo.

DANNY and his SWINGING COP DICK burst onto the scene and meets up with his team of multi ethnic cliches.

RUBEN BLADES

(spins The Wheel)

I landed on “best friend of main character” so I need to go get my last will and testament in order pronto.

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

(spins The Wheel)

“Vasquez?” Oh come on, can’t I be the wisecracking prick?

BILL PAXTON

Hey that’s my job! Otherwise known as “The Hudson”. I swear every time I spin the wheel I land on Hudson, but hey this time I get a cool fedora to tip!

MARIA CONCHITA ALONSO

I hope you’re not too attached to your skull and spine.

DANNY takes this opportunity to police some BULLETS into the gangs while the PREDATOR watches from his camping spot.

PREDATOR

This Danny hu-mon recklessly kills everything that can be killed while taking matters into his own hands. I respect this.

Meanwhile LATIN GANG retreats into a building where they stuff their guns into their cocaine and then stuff their cocaine into their guns and then snort it all up their noses.

GANG LEADER

Alright guys, we’re surrounded and coked off our asses but we can still turn this into a win. My plan is to simply kill every cop on the entire planet and then we control everything.

PREDATOR

Are you sure you guys have enough bullets for that?

GANG LEADER

Well we turned burritos into explosives earlier so I figure we could MacGyver some very basic biogenic weapons out of common office supplies or maybe-- WAIT A PREDATOR

(has soul ripped from body)

The PREDATOR tears all the other gang members BALLS right through their ASSES.

Not really.

But really he does this.

Then the PREDATOR takes a moment to strip one of the gang members naked and hangs him from the ceiling as is traditional Predator custom.

PREDATOR

Hey hey hey don’t judge my culture. At least we don’t have reality shows or use Twitter or let Jake Paul live.

Oh, and the Predator manages to do all this gory time consuming shit within 10 SECONDS of DANNY and his team busting in because Predators are part SONIC THE HEDGEHOG.

DANNY GLOVER

I see what looks like an invisible 7 foot tall alien with a weave. I better point my loaded weapon at it.

PREDATOR

(freezes mid step)

DANNY GLOVER

Oh, there must be a really good reason why you’re not shoulder canoning the fuck out of me.

PREDATOR

Are you two days away from retirement?

DANNY GLOVER

No.

PREDATOR

Well there you go.

Government asshole GARY BUSEY arrives via helicopter because this level of crazy can't fit into a civilian vehicle.

GARY BUSEY

(spins The Wheel)

“Burke?” I guess it’s not technically stealing if Fox owns both properties. Well as the asshole villain who wants to utilize alien technology for my own nefarious purposes I am triggered by Danny’s shooty own hands matter taking recklessness.

DANNY GLOVER

This is where I would tell you to blow me but not with those chompers of yours. At what point did Immortan Joe make his mask out of you?

Meanwhile some more JAMAICAN STEREOTYPES break into a Brazzers shoot and perform VOODOO on the LATIN LOVER who is hanging upside down from the ceiling butt ass naked.

JAMAICAN GANG LEADER

(basting nude man with chicken blood)

Wow, we are really leaning into this voodoo schtick given our impractical Baron Samedi stovepipe hats and broken English, mon. I only wish this naked guy’s wet rubbery penis wasn’t dangling in my face.

PREDATOR

No no no you’re doing it all wrong, you’re supposed to hang your naked male victim at least 30 feet up in the air, that way his junk isn’t all up in your grill.

GANG LEADER

Hey thanks mon, that’s good advice, next time I’ll be sure to-- WAIT A PREDATOR

(has brain blasted into another dimension)

GANG MEMBERS

OH NO LET US ALL RANDOMLY SHOOT EACH OTHER INSTEAD OF THE GIANT MONSTER WITH THE DREADLOCKS

(have spines condensed into a pack of crazy straws)

BUTT NAKED LADY

Wait wait wait I’m safe because you only kill people who have a weapon, right?

PREDATOR

That 70s bush looks pretty threatening, but yeah you’ll live.

RUBEN investigates the killings.

RUBEN BLADES

Hold on, I just need to initial these last few changes to my will and

(has internal organs crushed into cherry Jolly Ranchers)

PREDATOR

Yes, my weapons can do that. You can’t prove that they can’t. Fight me.

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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