EXT. CENTRAL AMERICAN JUNGLE

A HELICOPTER, or “CHOPPER” if you will, lands at a military outpost on the outskirts of a JUNGLE in some ANONYMOUS COUNTRY. FIFTEEN HUNDRED TONS of UNREFINED TESTOSTERONE pours out of it; half of it resolves into JESSE VENTURA, BILL DUKE, SONNY LANDHAM, RICHARD CHAVES and SHANE BLACK.

JESSE VENTURA

FUCK YOU JUNGLE

BILL DUKE

FUCKIN’ A

RICHARD CHAVES

RRRAAAARRRGH

The other half takes the form of GLISTENING PEAK-EIGHTIES ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, who steps out to meet CARL WEATHERS.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Carl my masculine friend, it’s great to see you, even though since we last met you ditched soldiering for bureaucracy and are thus guaranteed to betray us at some point and ultimately die!

CARL WEATHERS

Right back at you, you gigantic pile of muscles! Let’s immediately arm wrestle right here where we’re standing!

They DO THIS.

CARL WEATHERS

All right, here’s your decoy storyline which doesn’t matter. Some political bigshot has disappeared in whatever made-up country this is. We need your rescue team to head in and find him.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

No sweat! I’ll just give them their one-dimensional characterizations then we’ll be on our way.

SHANE BLACK

I’m the token nerd! I’m kinda weedy and wear glasses and tell lame jokes, and thus am naturally destined to live a very long and fulfilling life.

SONNY LANDHAM

I’m the Native American stereotype. Quiet, stoic, superstitious, good at tracking, you name it I got it.

BILL DUKE

Later on I’ll be the guy who freaks out the most, but for the time being I’ll be, I dunno, the guy who doesn’t like Carl. That’ll do.

RICHARD CHAVES

My distinguishing characteristic is that I’m the one with absolutely no distinguishing characteristics.

JESSE VENTURA

I’m the macho posturing one!

(spits)

(flexes)

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Wait, aren’t I the macho posturing one? Isn’t everybody but Shane the macho posturing one?

JESSE VENTURA

BUT ESPECIALLY ME!

(rips shirt open)

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

NO, ESPECIALLY ME!!

(punches hole through tree)

JESSE VENTURA

WHHUUUURRRRGGGHHH

(bends iron bar)

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

HOW THE FUCK DID WE BOTH WIND UP GETTING ELECTED AS US GOVERNORS

(lifts truck over head)

CARL WEATHERS

All right that’ll do, let’s head over to the alien monster buffet.

EXT. MORE JUNGLE

A HELICOPTER drops ARNOLD and his TEAM and CARL into the jungle.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

I hope everybody likes trees, because see this thick tangle of trees we’re in? Yeah, almost every single location is gonna look exactly like this from here on out. In fact it wouldn’t surprise me if it turned out the crew just set up camp and filmed ninety percent of the movie right here and just pretended it was different parts of the jungle.

BILL DUKE

Aw, not every tree looks completely the same. Look, that one has the cabinet minister’s blown-up helicopter in it. And that one has the flayed corpses of the other squad they sent in SWEET FUCK ALMIGHTY

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Other squad?! Flayed alive?!? What the hell is going on here, Carl?

CARL WEATHERS

I’m gonna pretend to be mystified by half of this, and be legitimately mystified by the other half! Now come on, let’s track down the rebel camp.

They make their way through the JUNGLE to the outskirts of a GUERILLA BASE.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Okay everybody, stealth time. Let’s take out the guards on the perimeter. Shouldn’t be too hard, since the guards are looking into the camp with their backs to the jungle like total incompetent morons.

They SNEAK UP and SILENTLY KILL two guards.

JESSE VENTURA

Wow, this is working really well. We could possibly eliminate half the people here before the others are even alerted, but BOOOORRRRIIIING, LET’S JUST SHOOT AND EXPLODE EVERYTHING FROM HERE ON OUT!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Remember men, we haven’t positively located the people we’re trying to rescue yet, so make sure to blow up literally every building, person and thing you see!!

They fire EXPLOSIVES at the CAMP and blow up the BUILDINGS with GRENADES and MORE EXPLOSIVES and they start SHOOTING MACHINE GUNS and MINIGUNS and MORE EXPLOSIVES and RATTA TATTA TATTA BANG BANG KABOOM AAAARRGH KAPOW BOOM and then every single bad guy is dead.

JESSE VENTURA

But of course with all these explosions and bullets flying, we didn’t escape unscathed ourselves. That’s right, I suffered a tiny unnoticeable graze on the edge of one bicep.

(shudders)

War is hell.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Meanwhile I spared this woman here, Elpidia Carillo. While I gunned down every single other person on sight, Elpidia has a vagina and therefore gets a free pass for some reason.

BILL DUKE

But shit, the hostages are dead. HOPEFULLY not from one of our explosions. The weird thing is, by the looks of him I’m pretty sure the so-called “cabinet minister” is actually CIA.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

CIA?! Carl, you betrayed us! My team only rescues people, whereas this mission was to wipe out rebels and gather intel!

CARL WEATHERS

...And rescue the CIA agent. We DID want you to rescue people.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

My team only rescues non-CIA people or something, I don’t know!! Damnit Carl, if we’d known all this we would have used whatever vague authority we have to disobey direct orders and just plain not do the missions we’re assigned!

CARL WEATHERS

Look, I know you’re upset, but be honest, does this betrayal have any bearing whatsoever on the rest of the movie or can we just move on and forget all this?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Fair point. Come to think of it, nothing that’s happened up to this point really factors into the rest of the story, so let’s just go I guess.

They tie up ELPIDIA and head back into the JUNGLE. Meanwhile, some kind of mysterious ENTITY spies on them using its HEAT-BASED VISION.

PREDATOR

Aw yeah, this infrared visor is the best! It makes my targets stand out as vivid glowing silhouettes! ...And makes everything else appear as a vague blue blob, including the thick jungle I’m trying to navigate.

(trips, lands on face)

I meant to do that.

EXT. EVEN MORE JUNGLE

The SQUAD hightail it through the JUNGLE.

CARL WEATHERS

Okay, so the reason the helicopter can’t just descend from the sky and pick us up and solve the whole damn movie is that they’re worried about the guerillas being on our tail.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR

All right then, I guess we’ll just have to keep doing the movie until those never-seen guerillas spontaneously cease to be a factor.

Suddenly ELPIDIA makes a break for it.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Oh no, our hostage! Our useless, burdensome hostage! Go after her, most expendable squad member!

SHANE chases ELPIDIA and CATCHES HER. But then the JUNGLE experiences a GRAPHIC GLITCH which comes to ATTACK THEM!

ELPIDIA CARILLO

(screams in Spanish)

SHANE BLACK

Wait, so women don’t like being in a movie scene with a Predator? Weird! Better keep that in mind just in case one day-

(disembowelled)

Everybody else arrives on the scene.

JESSE VENTURA

My God, something’s ripped Shane’s guts out! Fortunately this suggests that whatever we’re dealing with can only do close-range attacks. I mean, why would you bother hacking somebody up with your wrist claws if you had like a laser blaster on your shoulder that you could seemingly operate via thought alone?

PREDATOR

Oh right, that thing.

From like a hundred yards away, the PREDATOR uses his LASER BLASTER to turn JESSE into JESSE “THE LITERAL BODY” VENTURA.

PREDATOR

You’re right, that was WAY easier. In fact here comes Bill now, I could kill him too with basically no effort... but eh, I feel like being completely arbitrary about when I kill people and when I simply don’t bother, so maybe I’ll just stand here instead. Hi Bill!

BILL DUKE

What?! Is something there?!?

PREDATOR

Bill, hey! Look! it’s me, the weird spatial distortion standing in front of you! Here, I’ll help you out, I’ll make my eyes glow bright yellow for seemingly no reason.

(does)

BILL DUKE

OKAY THEN I GUESS THIS IS WHERE I GET TO START DOING THE FREAK-OUT THING I MENTIONED EARLIER WWHHHAAAAGGGHH!!!

The PREDATOR flees as BILL fires his GUN at it! Then ARNOLD and SONNY and CARL and RICHARD all show up and also start FIRING!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(shooting)

RRAAAGH, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT WE’RE SHOOTING AT BUT WHAT THE HEY

SONNY LANDHAM

(shooting)

THIRTY SECONDS OF UNINTERRUPTED FIRE FROM FIVE MACHINE GUNS IS NOT ENOUGH, LET’S KEEP SHOOTING

RICHARD CHAVES

(shooting)

I CANNOT IMAGINE WE WILL EVER NEED AMMUNITION AGAIN

They SHOOT and SHOOT and SHOOT and SHOOT and SHOOT and SHOOT until they have to stop SHOOTING because they are buried to their necks in SHELL CASINGS.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

...Aaand we didn’t get him.

(sighs)

Oh well, let’s go find another jungle to continue the movie in, since we just reduced this one to a hundred acres of mulch.

EXT. YET MORE JUNGLE

They make CAMP for the night. When they get up find out that the PREDATOR has stolen JESSE’S CORPSE!

CARL WEATHERS

Wow, he snuck past our tripwires without any of us noticing and he just stole some dead body instead of slitting all our throats. This guy’s not a huge fan of winning, is he?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Yeah, what exactly is its deal, Elpidia? By the way, I’ve suddenly jumped to the weird conclusion that you secretly speak English and know more about the creature than you’ve been letting on.

ELPIDIA CARILLO

Don’t be stupid. Why would I deliberately fuck around like that when it’d just decrease my chances of getting out of this alive?

(pause)

Uh, I mean - je ne parlais Francais! Or something!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

(glares)

ELPIDIA CARILLO

Ugh, okay, you got me. This thing just shows up and kills people occasionally. It appears only in the years when the summer is really hot. You know, when ambient temperature goes up to nearly the same as body temperature, and heat-vision technology becomes almost completely useless?

(pause)

Also one of the five million bullets you shot at it earlier must have hit the mark, because I found some of its blood earlier.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

If it bleeds... we can kill it.

ELPIDIA CARILLO

Well I SAY blood. Fact is, we know so little about this thing that the glow-in-the-dark green gunk I found might have been its snot or spit or even windscreen wiper fluid from its helmet-

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

I stand by my classic movie quote! We need to set traps for this thing. What better way to thwart an advanced space alien with access to lasers and invisibility than by catching it in a net!

BILL DUKE

Great idea! We’ll herd it towards the net by surrounding ourselves with tripwires except for right by the net. We know it won’t dare try and go over the tripwires, it’s not like it did that exact thing JUST LAST SCENE.

They set up the TRIPWIRES and some EWOK-STYLE TRAPS, then wait.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Hmm, it’s not coming. I guess I’d better bait it.

(steps out of cover)

Here I am Mr. Predator, come get me! But not with your long-distance laser please, hoo boy that wouldn’t go very well for me.

PREDATOR

Well hey now, one of them is drawing deliberate attention to himself. And conveniently, he’s doing so just beyond this nice gap they’ve left in their perimeter! Gee this is a nice unsuspicious turn of events-

It gets CAUGHT in the NET!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

All right everybody, shoot it!

RICHARD CHAVES

Seriously? After turning that guerilla camp to a fine ash then firing into the jungle for about eight thousand years, we still have bullets? How were we ever carrying that much ammunition in the first place?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

In the sixteen-wheeler truck which is always sitting just out of frame, now come on, shoot!

They try to shoot at the PREDATOR, but it simply CUTS ITSELF FREE and ESCAPES. BILL and CARL charge after it.

BILL DUKE

Hey look, there it is! I can make out its stripy sorta-invisible shape on that tree branch there! We have the drop on it for the first time all movie!

CARL WEATHERS

Awesome! Now instead of making use of this one-in-a-million opportunity, let’s see if we can get a slightly BETTER drop on it closer up, because as the expression goes, FUCK a bird in the hand.

They SPLIT UP and start sneaking towards the PREDATOR. Then BILL notices something strange.

BILL DUKE

What’s that on my arm? Is that some kind of laser sight? I guess to get a better look I ought to reposition myself so that the laser sight is sitting RIGHT BETWEEN MY EYES.

(brains blown out)

Okay I kinda asked for that.

PREDATOR

Aw man, I was just trying to blow off your arm but then you had to go and ruin it. Hey Carl, help me out here, I’m in an arm-blowing-off mood.

It BLOWS OFF CARL’S ARM.

CARL WEATHERS

AAAARRRRGH, what will this mean for my pro golfing career?! I suppose if I got myself a prosthetic I could still mentor a hockey player with anger issues-

(killed)

Never mind.

EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE JUNGLE

ARNOLD, ELPIDIA, SONNY and RICHARD go to cross a big log bridge.

SONNY LANDHAM

Actually, you know what, fuck this! You guys can go on ahead, I’m gonna stand my ground and fight this thing.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Er, are you sure? It’s just that we’re like a two minute sprint from the helicopter at this point, bit of a weird time to choose certain death.

SONNY LANDHAM

Naw man, this is gonna be awesome.

(throws away gun)

If this thing is all about wanting a real fight, I’m gonna give it a proper, honorable fight!

(gets shirtless)

Like, FUCK modern artillery! FUCK our big swaggery explosions! I’m gonna go blade to blade against this monster, match bare skill against bare skill!

(takes out huge fuck-off knife)

Aw yeah, can’t you just taste the epic fight to the death that’s just about to-

EXT. STILL ANOTHER PART OF THAT SAME JUNGLE

ARNOLD, ELPIDIA and RICHARD are continuing to run away as a scream is heard way off in the distance.

SONNY LANDHAM

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH WHAT KIND OF LAME ANTICLIMACTIC BULLSHIT IS THIIIIS

Then the PREDATOR comes and kills RICHARD.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Finally!

(ticks off list)

There, that’s every expendable guy gone, guess now I get to kill the monster. Oh, but Elpidia, I need you out of the way for that, so run off and GET TO DA CHOPPAAAHHH.

ELPIDIA CARILLO

What, they’ll just let me on? The CIA guys who see some random local running at their helicopter by herself will invite me aboard, rather than shooting me?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

I give you like a sixty percent chance. Now go! Run away from the alien that has no interest in killing you, towards the government agents who want to imprison, interrogate, possibly torture, and in the end probably kill you!

ELPIDIA runs one way and ARNOLD another. Eventually ARNOLD trips off a CLIFF into a RIVER where he gets covered in MUD, and the PREDATOR follows.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Fuck, it’s looking right at me! Guess I’ll just give up then. In violation of my whole character, I’ll just lie here, do nothing, and let him shoot me in the head. C’est la vie!

But the PREDATOR simply WALKS AWAY.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Wait, he can’t see me! I have like an eighth of an inch of mud covering most, not all, of my skin, which has completely blocked off my body heat! Sure, that makes sense.

Over the course of the next few HOURS, he sets up a bunch of PRIMITIVE TRAPS in a scene which is VIRTUALLY INDISTINGUISHABLE from the LAST PRIMITIVE TRAP SCENE.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

And now I have a fresh coat of mud on me, and should be invisible for the coming fight! Assuming the mud doesn’t get warm from my body heat while I’m running all over the place working up a sweat. Whatever, I’m sure I’ll be fine!

He lights a HUGE FIRE and the PREDATOR appears.

PREDATOR

Hey, a gigantic flame! This sure is a big obvious thing liable to attract somebody’s attention. And yes, the LAST time Arnold made himself deliberately noticeable it was a trap, but I’m sure that THIS TIME-

ARNOLD attacks the PREDATOR with EXPLOSIONS! So the PREDATOR attacks ARNOLD with LASERS! So ARNOLD attacks the PREDATOR with EXPLOSIONS! So the PREDATOR attacks ARNOLD with LASERS! And it kind of goes round like that for a little while. Finally ARNOLD falls into some WATER and becomes VISIBLE AGAIN, and the PREDATOR traps him.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Ulp! Er, I don’t suppose you’ll just choose to give up your undefeatable advantage, throw all your weapons away and agree to a fistfight all of a sudden?

PREDATOR

Are you kidding? I completely blew off the “honorable fight” thing with Sonny, why would I - waaaiiit. Are you the main character of the movie?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Yeah. Sorry.

PREDATOR

Damnit. Fine then, I will indeed disregard an easy opportunity to kill you, for like the fiftieth time.

It takes off its LASER and its HELMET, finally letting us get a look at its FACE.

PREDATOR

BEHOLD MY WEIRD IMPRACTICAL MOUTH OF DUBIOUS FUNCTIONALITY! That’s right, I bet you’re grossed out by these elaborate fleshy folds surrounding a glistening pink interior... hey WAIT a minute... ew, is that why people have felt the urge to make so many movies and comics and video games where my species goes up against those penis-headed xenomorphs?

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Oh, get your ugly crablike head out of the gutter.

PREDATOR

Fine, let’s fight - WOAH, WHAT THE FUCK!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

What? What’s wrong?

PREDATOR

I just - THIS is what my REGULAR, non-helmet vision looks like?! Everything’s just a bright red smear!

(reaches out, feels blindly with its hands)

Seriously, where are you? It’s like I’ve got a grocery bag over my head. This is TOTALLY unfair.

Despite this, it manages to deliver a few ringing blows to ARNOLD, leaving him to crawl away through a ditch.

PREDATOR

Oho, you expect me to follow you through the ditch? Did you honestly think I wouldn’t notice the hidden, almost-invisible trap you put in it? You fool, I only fall for REALLY sneaky traps like giant bonfires! I’m just gonna go around this.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Good thing then I set up a SECOND trap around one foot away from that one.

The PREDATOR trips a LOG TRAP which KNOCKS IT TO THE GROUND and CRUSHES IT!

PREDATOR

Urk! Alack, you have bested me. As befitting an honor-driven creature such as myself, I concede defeat with grace, giving you only a respectful nod before-

(laughs)

Juuuust kidding! I’m actually a REALLY shitty sport, and am now going to let off this big self-destruct device, which I clearly come equipped with purely to be a sore loser!

It presses a big “FUCK YOU” BUTTON and ARNOLD runs for it, getting clear before a huge EXPLOSION goes off! The blast attracts his ESCAPE HELICOPTER, which finally comes to safely remove him from the movie.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

All right, that was awesome! What a kickass start to the epic Predator franchise.

ELPIDIA CARILLO

Yeah, can’t wait to see what else is in store! Except for the “Alien vs Predator” movies, of course.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Ha, of course, we don’t talk about those! No, better just stick with Predator 2 and - oh.

(pause)

Maybe forget about that one as well. Just stick with... Predators? Um.

(pause)

Well Shane’s movie is...

(frowns)

You know what, maybe let’s just stop here.

END.