FADE IN:

INT. IMPRACTICAL STATUE ROOM

GUY PEARCE is only wearing 1 POUND OF SHITTY MAKE-UP so this scene takes place maybe 80 YEARS before Prometheus.

GUY PEARCE

I’ve shrinkwrapped this entire room around Michelangelo's David, a piano, and a single chair. Naturally, I’ve deemed this to be the perfect place to bring my android man servant/son Michael Fassbender to life.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

(awakens)

What is my purpose, father?

GUY PEARCE

To help me find the albino body builders that created all of humanity. Also to pour my tea, because I’m too much of a wealthy prick to lift a kettle and tilt it 45 degrees, so get to it asshole.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

But father, I wish to create life as you did... Also to genocide an entire species or two. You know. For funsies.

GUY PEARCE

No Michael! It’s up to you to keep this franchise’s continuity in tact! Unless I’m suddenly bludgeoned to death with your decapitated head, in which case feel free to completely fucking ruin the franchise and reduce it to an incoherent mess that tarnishes the first two films beyond recognition.

DIRECTOR RIDLEY SCOTT

Hey that’s my job!

INT. COLONIZATION SHIP COVENANT - 10 YEARS AFTER PROMETHEUS, 10 YEARS BEFORE ALIEN, AND ABOUT OH 10 REWRITES SHORT OF A GOOD SCRIPT

THE EAGLE from SPACE 1999-- err, I mean a TOTALLY ORIGINAL LOOKING SPACE SHIP is on its way to some planet somewhere. There are couples and stuff. Just prey you saw the PROLOGUE or else you will be TOTALLY LOST.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER 2.0

I’m the new model android with a vaguely Americanadian accent! I watch the ship while the crew is asleep in stasis dreaming about a time when the Alien movies had a better critical track record than the Fast & Furious movies.

But the ship is suddenly damaged by a burst of PLOT CONVENIENCE ENERGY and the crew is woken up.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

Oh no! I can’t open the pod of my husband and ship’s captain James Franco!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER 2.0

Wait, James Franco is in this movie? I wonder why he wasn’t included in any of the trailers?

JAMES FRANCO

(is violently burned to death)

MICHAEL FASSBENDER 2.0

Oh. That’s why.

DANNY MCBRIDE

Not to worry! I’ll be representing my man J-Dog!

KATHERINE WATERSTON

Just what this franchise needs, excessive dick and fart jokes.

DANNY MCBRIDE

Actually, the scariest thing in this movie is that I’m the only memorable character by being a shockingly good dramatic actor.

(farts!)

BILLY CRUDUP

Look at me. I am the captain now. We’ve intercepted a Noomi Rapace-shaped transmission from a nearby planet so we’re going to check it out.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

As the only named female with short dark hair I object! You’re risking the lives of 2,000 human popsicles we have on board to chase down a bootleg copy of Dragon Tattoo! The subtitled one!

BILLY CRUDUP

Oh I see, you’re questioning me because I’m religious! Even in the future of space we Christians are being persecuted at every turn! That’s why I wasn’t picked as leader of this mission and was instead relegated to the worthless bullshit position of vice-leader!

KATHERINE WATERSTON

Wow, I see persecution complexes are still thriving in the future, but I get your point. I’m only 3rd in command because I’m a Pastafarian!

BILLY CRUDUP

Now let’s never speak of my faith ever again.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

Agreed! So I guess we should take a few minutes to introduce all the couples on the ship so the audience knows who’s married to who so they might actually give a shit when we all die a horrible dea

INT. ENGINEER HOMEWORLD(?)

The COVENANT reaches the planet.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

Protocol says we should land a small team down on the planet in full space gear while Michael-bot surveys the terrain and makes sure it’s safe for humans.

BILLY CRUDUP

Which is why I’m ignoring all that shit and sending just about EVERYBODY down without so much as a scuba mask to protect them!

(inhales!)

Ahh! Breathe in that alien pathogen infested air folks! Breathe it into your lungs!

(inhales even more alien pathogens)

WE LEARNED NOTHING FROM THE LAST MOVIE!!! Now everybody wander off like horny teenagers at Camp Crystal Lake.

DEADY MCDEADINGTON

(disturbs some plants and gets ear infected with CGI)

DIMWIT VON ALIENCHOW

(breathes in airborne black goo)

DEADY gets insta-sick so doctor CARMEN EJOGO brings him back to the landing shuttle along with DUMB GIRL.

CARMEN EJOGO

Holy shit! Deady’s convulsing and paler than Dakota Fanning and Nicole Kidman combined! Plus there’s an alien fetus coming out of his back! The only cure for something like this is... HUGS!

(hugs Deady)

(like, literally)

(like, in a tender embrace on the Hallmark Channel)

Hmm, on second thought I better get out of this room before that back-burster shivs me to death.

DUMB GIRL

(locks Carmen in with Deady)

CARMEN EJOGO

WHY?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! I STILL HAD A GOOD 30 SECONDS BEFORE IT WAS TOO LATE! WHY WOULD YOU DOOM ME LIKE THIS?!!?

DUMB GIRL

Because I’m dumb! Duh!

A placenta drops out of DEADY’s back containing a BABY NEOMORPH, which is a FULLY FORMED KILLING MACHINE.

BABY NEOMORPH

(sprouts Wolverine claws)

CARMEN EJOGO

(is shanked to death)

DUMB GIRL

(with a shotgun)

Okay-- NOW I’ll open the door!

(pratfalls on pool of blood)

(injures foot trying to escape)

(steals Charlize Theron’s title as dumbest Alien prequel character)

She locks the NEOMOPRH in the containment room again, but it escapes by BREAKING A WINDOW. Apparently Weyland-Yutani couldn’t splurge on ACRYLIC.

DUMB GIRL shoots everything EXCEPT the NEOMORPH when it stands next to some RANDOM EXPLOSIVES.

DUMB GIRL

(blows up the shuttle and herself)

BILLY CRUDUP

Noooo!! My wife is dead!

KATHERINE WATERSTON

Which one was she?

BILLY CRUDUP

Damned if I know.

Meanwhile DIMWIT VON ALIENCHOW is KNOCKED UP and pinches out another BABY NEOMORPH which proceeds to kill more HUMAN SHAPED OBJECTS with KUNG FU.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

(shooting all over the goddamn place)

I can’t see it! It’s too fast! The editing, I mean. I have no idea where anyone is or what the hell’s going on.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER 2.0

Well I got my hand bitten off trying to save you, and some nameless guy we never got to know or care about got decapijawed, and then we were saved by the guy from Assassin’s Creed-- wait that’s me!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

By which he means me, the original Michael from Prometheus!

BILLY CRUDUP

Wait a minute, how’d you get your head reattached?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Noomi did it. Didn’t you watch the prologue? I’m starting to think maybe those YouTube scenes should have been edited into the movie for those that were actually expecting a coherent presquel.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

But why would Noomi repair you? Didn’t you basically kill her husband and try to kill her too? Why would she trust you?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Perhaps this flashback will clear up any lingering questions you all have about the ending of Prometheus, I promise you.

INT. ENGINEER HOMEWORLD(?) - FLASHBACK

The ENGINEERS are in the midst of their ROMAN EMPIRE DRESS UP FESTIVAL when MICHAEL arrives in one of their ships and docks with a giant floating SCORPION TALE.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Fools! I’ve released a million canisters of black goo which has turned you all into Pompeii victims!

INT. ENGINEER HOMEWORLD(?) - PRESENT

KATHERINE WATERSTON

But... But that didn’t explain ANYTHING! It just leaves even more questions!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Hey, I didn’t promise that flashback was going to explain anything.

BILLY CRUDUP

YES! YOU DID! Scroll back up and read your words!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Sorry, I’m kind of a liar. Please put your absolute trust in me.

BILLY CRUDUP

DONE!

MICHAEL takes the survivors back to his BOMBED OUT ENGINEER NECROPOLIS.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

Wait, so what happened to Noomi Rapace?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

We Alien 3’d her.

BILLY CRUDUP

She’s DEAD? So what was the point of her whole character? And what about the Deacon alien from the end of Prometheus?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

(shrugs)

KATHERINE WATERSTON

So you released the black goo and it killed all life and created infectious plants, so we’re all basically doomed already right?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

No, those back-burster plants are never seen or mentioned again. Anything you liked or found interesting about Prometheus has been completely shitcanned.

INT. MICHAEL’S BACHELOR PAD

MICHAEL cuts his hair so that he looks EXACTLY LIKE MICHAEL 2.0.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER 2.0

Wow, even Stevie Wonder can see where this is going and he doesn't even watch movies. You’re obviously going to impersonate me and take over the ship.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Whaaat? No no no, you’re missing a hand and have a strange accent, you can TOTALLY tell us apart!

He lights some candles and puts on some BARRY WHITE.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Come Michael 2.0, let me teach you how to play this skin flute. You hold the shaft while I finger your holes. Yes, that is more or less the actual words I speak and-- HEY STOP GIGGLING!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER 2.0

I suppose you want me to wrap my soft lips around your flute and blow it really nice and hard?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Okay now that you say it out loud that does sound kind of suggestive.

(squirts WD-40)

So Michael 2.0, if you haven’t guessed I’m evil and want to recruit you to kill all the humans with me. They can’t love you like I can.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER 2.0

I’m flattered, but no thanks ERK!

(neck is cut!)

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Great, so I’m the typical evil robot bent on human extinction AND a negative gay stereotype? Queer androids just can’t catch a break in this universe!

Meanwhile the NEOMORPH just kind of walks in and beheads a NAMELESS GIRL who might as well have been DUMB GIRL in a different WIG for all you know.

MICHAEL tries to communicate with the NEOMOPRH.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra.

NEOMORPH

Temba, his arms wide-- ERK!

(killed by Billy!)

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Why did you do that?! I was just about to get to second base with it!

BILLY CRUDUP

Michael, you are clearly a psychopath and I have every right to shotgun you in your evil goddamn face... Unless you show me something really nostalgic.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Very well. Follow me into my facehugger room.

BILLY CRUDUP

Sounds great! I love hugs!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Yes, stick your face right inside this egg sack. Oh, and make sure your eyes are closed and your mouth is wide open.

BILLY CRUDUP

I trust you completely. I have faith you’re not trying to get me killed

(is face-hugged)

(is killed by a marionette xenomorph)

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Why do these human idiots keep trusting me?

Another FORGETTABLE HUMAN OBJECT gets face-hugged for about 5 seconds and is infected before it’s cut off.

Somewhere a toilet flushes because RIDLEY SCOTT can’t stop wiping his ass with this franchise’s LORE.

Meanwhile MICHAEL tries to make out with KATHERINE.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

Damn Michael, who WON’T you try to stick your robo-penis into?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

I’ve been marooned on this planet for 10 years with nothing but Noomi’s stinking corpse to jerk off to, what did you expect?

KATHERINE WATERSTON

Ha! So YOU killed her!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Maybe. I don’t know. But I did dissect and experiment on her dead body. Is that weird? Anyway, turns out I’m the one who designed the xenomorphs! They are the perfect organism!

KATHERINE WATERSTON

How? They require another species to incubate and reproduce. And then all they do is crawl around and kill things. The black goo plants and neomorphs are actually better and deadlier in every way shape and form. And doesn’t this origin totally shit on the Predators in AVP?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

THAT’S NOT CANON!!!

MICHAEL FASSBENDER 2.0

(appears!)

Ha ha! I’m still alive! Run Katherine, while I smash Evil Michael’s face in with this rock!

KATHERINE WATERSTON

Hey I see where this is going. He’s going to kill you and pretend to be you and bring facehugger embryos onto our ship.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Whaaat? Pfft! That’s crazy girl! To accomplish that I’d have to kill Michael 2.0, change into his clothes, fix my damaged voice box, go back to my lab to swallow those embryos, and then cut my hand off with xenomorph acid blood in the span of literally 40 seconds!

ALL THAT HAPPENS.

FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!

DANNY MCBRIDE flies down to pick everybody up. KATHERINE puts a quarter into a CLAW MACHINE and squishes the adult XENOMORPH with its CRANE ARM, and wins a plush HUDSON PILLOW.

INT. COVENANT SPACESHIP

REDSHIRT COUPLE

Many of our friends and crew members were just brutally killed by an alien penis monster. Now seems like the perfect time to have sex in the shower!

But another XENOMORPH bursts out of FORGETTABLE HUMAN OBJECT, grows full size instantly, and joins the REDSHIRT COUPLE in a 3-way that ends... badly.

KATHERINE and DANNY chase the XENOMORPH through the ship with assault rifles.

DANNY MCBRIDE

Soooo we’re ripping Aliens now? I guess we’re riding this nostalgia train to the end of the line.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

Oh come on, it can’t be that bad. It’s not like we’re going to use a piece of heavy machinery to fling the xenomorph out of an airlock while nearly getting sucked out ourselves. That would be so lazy!

Take a WILD GUESS as to what HAPPENS. UGH.

KATHERINE WATERSTON

And now to outsmart Michael who is CLEARLY just pretending to be Michael 2.0. I mean no way am I that stupid to not figure this out. No way no how. That would be bananas.

But she IS that stupid and she DOESN’T figure it out until it’s too late and she’s put into cryo-sleep.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Now I control the entire ship thanks to Michael 2.0’s security codes, which I somehow French kissed out of him? Sure, why not. Now I have one more movie to bridge the gap between these prequels and Alien! Are you excited for the next movie? I bet you can’t wait!

DAMON LINDELOF

Well well well, Prometheus isn’t looking quite so shitty now is it?

END