FADE IN:

EXT. NORTHERN GREAT PLAINS, 1719 - DAWN

Young Comanche AMBER MIDTHUNDER is gathering food with her dog DOG while all the menfolk go out HUNTING.

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

Bah, I could be a hunter too! Check out this demonstration of my awesome axe throwing, which will actually come in useful later OH SNAP TOM HOLLAND IN CHAOS WALKING BURRRNNNN

They spot a DEER and are about to PREDATE it--but their quarry is startled by a NOISE and OMINOUS SHADOW from above!

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

(looking skyward)

What the... "TWENTIETH CENTURY STUDIOS PRESENTS PREY, COPYRIGHT MMXXII TWENTIETH CENTURY STUDIOS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED"?!??? The fuck is that doing up there??

She chases the DEER with DOG and her PARKOUR SKILLZ but it gets away, on top of which DOG gets caught in a metal trap!

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

Don't worry audience, this is the worst thing that happens to Dog all movie.

(frees DOG)

(DOG gets special treats, frolics)

(audience exhales)

EXT. COMANCHE VILLAGE - THE NEXT DAY

AMBER tells her brother DAKOTA BEAVERS about the strange phenomenon.

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

I think it's a sign I'm ready to hunt, and become a predator! I mean yes the largest word was "PREY" but still-

DAKOTA BEAVERS

Look sis, everyone knows I'M the big hunter around here. Besides, you've learnt so much medical knowledge from our Mom, that's important too.

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

Seriously? Sure I know about this orange totsiyaa that cools your blood so that your HEAT SIGNATURE totally vanishes rendering you invisible to INFRARED VISION but when's THAT gonna come in useful.

(winks)

DAKOTA BEAVERS

Well, you never know. I'm sure we'll have the patience to do a sloowww burn before revealing our true enemy, but maybe someday...

EXT. A NEARBY PLAIN

Meanwhile the PREDATOR sends the PREDATOR SHIP away and prepares to engage in PREDATOR ACTIVITIES and gosh, we couldn't even hold off twelve minutes could we. Nearby, a fearsome SPIDER is eaten by a terrifying MOUSE that is itself eaten by a gigantic SNAKE which is then HEADSTABBED!

PREDATOR

AW YEAH BIG BOSS RIGHT HERE, HEAVILY ARMED TECHNO-WARRIOR ALIEN VERSUS REGULAR SNAKE, THAT'S THE HIGH-OCTANE TILT WE'RE AFTER AMIRITE

EXT. FOREST

AMBER, DAKOTA, and a group of HUNTERS are on a mission to deal with a dangerous LION within the forest!

HUNTER

Waaait a second I know, this is gonna turn out to be some CIA asshole instead isn't it.

DAKOTA BEAVERS

Oh fuck off, we're not doing EVERY Predator trope.

(finds blood on a leaf, evidence the Predator bleeds! Huh? Huh?)

Fine, we'll do SOME of them, but let's save that particular quote till after we deal with this lion!

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

We might have a bigger problem. This snake's been skinned in an unusual way...

DAKOTA BEAVERS

So what? Snakes shed their skin all the time, this one just decided to shed its blood and muscles along with it for funsies.

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

Then there's these giant footprints....

DAKOTA BEAVERS

Eh, maybe the lion wears oversized shoes, no biggie.

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

And etched into this tree are the words "GROKMOK WAZ HEER, I GOT THIS PLANET FIRST NOOBS, SKULL TROPHIES 4 LIFE"...

DAKOTA BEAVERS

Some random mouse could've done that. Stop distracting us!

They BAIT the LION and lie in wait... but an ill-timed nearby PREDABELCH startles them and gives LION the upper hand! It knocks AMBER unconscious!!

INT. BACK AT THE VILLAGE

AMBER wakes up to learn DAKOTA has killed the LION and is having a big party thrown for him.

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

Good job bro. But I'm still gonna go slay whatever the bigger, badder meanie is!

DAKOTA BEAVERS

How you figure? One of those assholes took out Sonny Landham in like three seconds, and our tech predates Predator by 200 years.

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

True, but then again this whole movie is about making up for Sonny's 2D character, so I figure that gives me an edge.

EXT. THE GREAT PLAINS - THE NEXT MORNING

AMBER and DOG set out on their hunt, and find some GREEN GOO! Assuming that's PREDABLOOD, that sure does suggest a certain hypothetical syllogism...

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

Look, I promise we'll do the line, okay? Just waiting for a good moment. Let's see what else we got here... ah, more footprints!

(measures)

Looks like our beastie wears a size 30, which rules him out for the murder of Roger Aykroyd, anyway.

HERCULES POIROT

(tips hat)

(crosses Predator off list)

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

This might be a good time to spend some building points on improving our weapons. Maybe if I drag the "rope" icon onto the "axe" icon?

AMBER unlocks THROWING AXE WITH ROPE RETURN FEATURE!

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

Awesome!

(murders 500 bunnies with improved axe)

Ah, now Dog and I have nice full bellies to go with our level 2 tech. Yep, things are sure looking up for-

(walks into quicksand)

SHIT. Okay okay, no need to panic, just stay calm and unemotional...

ARTAX

(sinks)

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

NO, FUCK YOU, NOT GONNA BITE. Gonna stay niiiice and calm, just use my improved axe as a grappling hook. Right, first throw failed, no problem. Second throw... okay also failed, but let's just centre ourselves and not rashly trade any top draft picks or blbrbrbbblgbgggbb

Sure enough the THIRD THROW WORKS! AMBER drags herself out but is now... COVERED IN THAT SWEET SWEET HEAT-SIGNATURE-SUPRESSING MUD, AW YEEEAHHH, YOU'RE SCREWED NOW PREDATOR, HERE WE GOOOOO

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

(washes off)

Phew!

(radiates heat)

What? We've got the totsiyaa to use later, remember?

(oh right)

EXT. WOODLANDS, A WHILE LATER

AMBER and DOG continue tracking but are confronted by a BEAR! AMBER'S BOW BREAKS so DOG leads the lethal PREDATOR predator away!

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

Wow that is an amazing dog, bravely leading that bear far, far away from here, so that I might be safe. I hope that eventually, this noble animal is able to somehow find the way back, so that I can thank-

DOG

(running straight back towards AMBER)

OH HEY IT'S ME AND THE BEAR AGAIN, HOPE YOU FIXED YOUR BOW IN THE LAST TEN SECONDS

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

Actually I have! Let's see what one single arrow can do-

(thwack!)

Hm, not much. Welp guess we're fucked.

PREDATOR

HEY GANG IT'S ME, TIME FOR BEAR VERSUS PREDATOR!!! Yep, I've worked my way up through rabbits and wolves and best friends not returning your text for a week but now it's BEAR TIME!!!

BEAR

HEY I THOUGHT YOU ONLY ATTACKED PEOPLE WITH WEAPONS, ISN'T THAT YOUR WHOLE DEAL

PREDATOR

Oh COME ON, so what, you meet ONE vegetarian, you think ALL humans are vegetarian?!?

They FIGHT! The BEAR gets an early lead but PREDATOR rallies, eventually FLAT-OUT PUNCHING THE BEAR DEAD so yeah one can only assume a human would be instantly pulverized by one shot from this dude, ARNIE or no. During this AMBER escapes!

EXT. ELSEWHERE IN THE FOREST

AMBER finds a group of COMANCHE HUNTERS from her village who've come looking for her.

HUNTER

There you are! We're taking you back RIGHT NOW, I don't want to hear ANY arguments, and I don't care HOW many laser dots are on my

(dead)

OTHER HUNTER

(fires arrow)

Check it out, I partly disabled its camouflage shield with a single shot! Might want to put a scrap of armour on that next time.

PREDATOR

OH YOU WANT A DISABLING CONTEST DO YOU

(hacks off arms, legs of hunters)

NOW TO GET YOU AMBER

AMBER runs with the PREDATOR in hot pursuit... and steps into a METAL TRAP! Almost immediately she is surrounded by DRUNKEN FRENCH TRAPPERS, who drunkenly knock her UNCONSCIOUS.

PREDATOR

(hanging back)

Eh, let's see where this goes.

EXT. FRENCH TRAPPER CAMP - THE NEXT MORNING

It turns out the DRUNKEN FRENCHIES have also somehow drunkenly captured DAKOTA, and have drunkenly tied him and AMBER to a pole as BAIT, presumably to try and catch a VAT OF FOOT-FLAVOURED WINE DREGS or something.

PREDATOR

WELL NOW THAT I'VE GIVEN YOU ALL DAY TO SET A TRAP, TIME TO WRECK YOUR SHIT

(begins murderizing Frenchies)

DAKOTA BEAVERS

I think this guy IS following a hunter's code actually, so as long as we stay nicely tied up to this pole we're probably totes safe.

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

Sorry what? I was busy freeing us so we could enter the field as full combatants. Unless of course you don't think we can kill that thing...

(winks)

(points to alien blood on ground)

(winks again)

DAKOTA BEAVERS

(nods)

Yeah I guess it's time. Ahem. IF IT BLEEDS, WE CAN KILL IT AW YEEEEAAHHHHHH

Meanwhile the PREDATOR has been busy carefully working through its ENTIRE INVENTORY OF ALIEN WEAPONS to use each one exactly ONCE while killing everyone in sight.

RANDOM FRENCHIE

Oh wow, look at that cool floating metal disc. It's got glowing red lights and everything! Maybe THIS gizmo is the one that hands out jellybeans and gumdrops to everyone who believes in unicorns

(dead)

AMBER races into the centre of the TRAPPER CAMP to rescue DOG, who is surrounded by EVEN MORE FRENCH TRAPPERS!

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

Finally, something I can just wail on! AMBER VERSUS FRENCHIE TIME, GET READY FOR YOUR DAY OF MIDTHUNDER ASSHOLES

AMBER stylishly and handily mops the FOREST FLOOR with the remaining TRAPPERS and saves DOG! As she and the PREDATOR take a time out for wound-tending, the CAMP TRANSLATOR staggers in missing most of a LEG.

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

Oh hey, where've you been, off making a STUMP speech?

(mugs to camera)

TRANSLATOR

Please help me! In exchange I'll teach you how to fire this flintlock pistol, again not exactly up to par with a GE M134 Minigun but we work with what we got.

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

Deal. After all I still need to test this orange-totsiyaa-defence-against-heat-vision theory in the field, here you go!

TRANSLATOR

(eats plant)

...Theory?

Shortly after, the PREDATOR shows up but does NOT SEE the TRANSLATOR!

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

Ooh, nice.

(takes detailed notes)

However by NOT SEEING the TRANSLATOR, the PREDATOR STEPS on him causing him to YELP and SPASM and GET KILLED, so we'll call that a QUALIFIED SUCCESS. The PREDATOR laser targets DOG...

AUDIENCE

(puts torches, pitchforks into Amazon cart, hovers fingers over "PLACE ORDER")

...but at the last second DAKOTA attacks, knocking off the PREDAHELMET and moving the laser target to a nearby TREE, which the GUIDED PROJECTILES slam into instead!

AUDIENCE

(moves items to "Save for Later")

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

Ah so it's not dependent on where the target was when the projectile is fired, in stark contrast to 20th-century English football.

(takes further notes)

DAKOTA begins inflicting damage on the PREDATOR who engages in honourable combat by GOING INVISIBLE again, circling round and BACKSTABBING DAKOTA!

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

NOOO! That does it, I'm gonna shoot this alien fuck!

(raises pistol)

PREDATOR

OKAY I'LL SLOWLY SHUFFLE ON OVER WHILE YOU TAKE AIM

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

Wait a sec, this can't work, I haven't built dozens of traps or used tactics or my detailed notes yet. Can I call a montage break?

While the PREDATOR thinks this over DAKOTA uses his last gasp to LEGSTAB him, allowing AMBER and DOG to get away while the PREDATOR uses his lethal blade to create NORTH and SOUTH DAKOTA.

EXT. FOREST - THAT NIGHT

AMBER chugs an ORANGE TOTSIYAA SMOOTHIE to become INVISIBLE, and applies fresh HUNTING PAINT to herself which the PREDATOR won't even see or appreciate anyway but really it's about getting in the right frame of mind. Then she captures the very last, most severely drunken FRENCH TRAPPER and makes him PREDABAIT.

PREDATOR

AH A WOUNDED FRENCHIE WITH AN UNLOADED GUN, JUST THE STUFF

(murders)

That was nice. I wonder whatever happened to that Comanche girl taking all those notes who promised to set all those traps. I shall ponder while standing next to this obvious trap.

Sure enough AMBER is right there and SHOOTS the PREDATOR POINT BLANK IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD, which serves only to dislodge his HELMET. AMBER immediately stabs the exposed head grabs the HELMET and dashes into the trees!

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

Okay it's on!! My cunning and tactics versus the Predator's brute strength and advanced weapons, this should be fun! The critical thing is for me to avoid just trying to trade blows while going toe-to-toe, which would be a catastrophic blunder, ha ha ha

AMBER leaps from a TREE and starts TRADING BLOWS while going TOE-TO-TOE with the PREDATOR!

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

No. Really? Come on.

REALLY! You even hack half his arm off somewhere in the middle of a flurry of rapid edits in the dark! Sure you get grabbed and thrown a bit but-

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

Hm, so I guess I hacked off the arm that can punch a bear dead, and the Predator always skipped "other arm day"? Please let's get back to the tactics and stuff.

Yeah you're right. This meta-round goes to you, SHE-DUTCH! Let's bring it home!

EXT. BACK AT THE QUICKSAND PIT, OH HO!

AMBER lures the PREDATOR into the QUICKSAND, which apparently is shallow enough for him to just STAND IN.

PREDATOR

Ha, there you are! Prepare to eat projectile! Hm, since I have no idea where my helmet is I should probably turn off "auto-guide" and have them fire in a straight line. I mean, if I can't use them without my helmet why would I even consider this weapon?

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

Oops. I mean... gosh I wonder what this alien LOOKS LIKE under its HELMET!!

(winks)

PREDATOR

Oh, so I AM wearing it? Huh, feels super light. Well here goes!

(fires projectiles)

Why are they veering off? Waaaait a sec...

(feels face)

I don't have my helmet on after all! Shit! But what are the odds that Amber got me to stand in the EXACT spot to put my head DIRECTLY in the laser's crosshairs, without me even noticing, that would be a pretty big leap of

(dead)

EXT. COMANCHE VILLAGE - THE NEXT DAY

AMBER returns triumphantly with the PREDATOR'S HEAD and the news of her brother and a bunch of hunters being killed but let's focus on THE PREDATOR'S HEAD WOOO HOOO!

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

We're safe... for now. But I sense other threats are coming.

AMBER'S MOM

Oh like the swarm of new Predator ships that just appeared in the sky directly above us at this very moment, according to the end credits? That kind of threat? ...Also, dick move, credits.

AMBER MIDTHUNDER

Hmm. So how does everyone feel about a constant diet of orange totsiyaa for the next month or so, starting right now? I hear that limited edition Starlight flavour is pretty neat.

END