FADE IN:

INT. COMMERCIAL TOWING SHIP "NOSTROMO" - DEEP SPACE

The Nostromo is towing a HUGE ASS MINING SHIP, but only has a crew of SEVEN PEOPLE on board because DOWNSIZING still exists in the future.

The crew wakes up in their RETRO 70s BUNK BEDS and director RIDLEY SCOTT uses a HOMO-EROTIC CAMERA FILTER to lust over a sweaty shirtless JOHN HURT for a solid FIVE MINUTES.

JOHN HURT

Hey, I can't help it if I'm a hot piece of ass, can I? I'm just giving the people what they paid to see. And I'm totally the main character.

The crew gets dressed and eats breakfast.

TOM SKERRITT

I am the captain. I also have a beard. Beards were really cool back in the 70s. Honest.

YAPHET KOTTO

I am Yaphet, no relation to Boba or Jango. I'm also a greedy arrogant prick who only cares about money, which means I'm a dead man.

HARRY DEAN STANTON

Same here.

IAN HOLM

I am creepily detached and emotionally withdrawn, so there's absolutely no chance I will turn out to be evil. Uh-uh. No way at all. None.

VERONICA CARTWRIGHT

I am the second prettiest girl in this movie. Wait, is the xenomorph a girl? Because if it is then I am the third prettiest girl in this movie.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

I don't have any lines in this scene so I'll just let my ridiculous 70s hairstyle do all the talking.

TOM enters a room made entirely out of glued together LITE-BRIGHT toys where he receives his orders from THE COMPANY.

TOM SKERRITT

We've just been ordered to check out a freaky distress signal coming from a planet humanity hasn't officially raped yet.

JOHN HURT

Tom, you should know that I am very uncomfortable with the word "rape".

TOM SKERRITT

Then you are going to be very uncomfortable throughout the rest of this script.

EXT. HELLISH ALIEN PLANET

The Nostromo lands and JOHN, TOM and VERONICA approach a DERELICT ALIEN SHIP while IAN keeps in touch from the Nostromo.

IAN HOLM

So what's the alien ship look like?

VERONICA CARTWRIGHT

A huge vagina with horns.

IAN HOLM

Fascinating.

TOM SKERRITT

We have penetrated the alien ship.

JOHN HURT

It's a good thing we're wearing protection.

JOHN HURT

Yes. Our space suits are made out of rubber.

VERONICA CARTWRIGHT

Ribbed for the alien ship's pleasure.

IAN HOLM

Congratulations on a successful insertion. What's the inside look like?

TOM SKERRITT

We are moving through corridors that resemble large tubes.

IAN HOLM

Would you describe these tubes as fallopian in nature?

TOM SKERRITT

I would indeed.

IAN HOLM

Fascinating.

JOHN HURT

We have reached the main chamber. It's sort of like a, what's the word I'm looking for?

VERONICA CARTWRIGHT

Womb?

TOM SKERRITT

Yes, one of those.

IAN HOLM

Fascinating.

VERONICA CARTWRIGHT

There seems to be a large dead creature here. It looks kind of, well, stillborn.

IAN HOLM

Fascinating. Gross, but fascinating. Now let's never discuss this "Space Jockey" creature or what that hole in its chest implies for the rest of the franchise.

JOHN HURT

Agreed. I'm moving ahead to another chamber. I think I'll call this room the "ovum".

IAN HOLM

Naturally. What's inside this "ovum"?

JOHN HURT

EGGS! Lots of them!

IAN HOLM

Fascinating.

JOHN approaches one of the ALIEN EGGS just as it begins to OPEN.

JOHN HURT

Planting my face directly above this creepy new alien mouth opening seems like the smart thing to do. I'm sure nothing bad will happen--

FACE-HUGGER

Surprise!

(face-rapes JOHN)

TOM and VERONICA bring JOHN back to the Nostromo while the FACE-HUGGER continues to MOUTH RAPE him.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Why are you guys pulling out so soon?

TOM SKERRITT

We had to ABORT!

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

But the higher-ups said we must carry this mission TO TERM!

TOM SKERRITT

No way! We are ABORTING! Now let us back into the shuttle!

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Fuck that noise!

VERONICA CARTWRIGHT

Let us back inside the goddamn shuttle you big haired bitch!

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Do you not see the mutant crab boning John's face? No fucking way am I letting you guys back in!

TOM SKERRITT

Gah! You and your damn women's lib and your damn bra burnings! I don't care if you women do have the vote! I have a penis and I say let us in!

IAN HOLM

He's right, Sigourney. You are entirely without a penis.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Shit, that's true.

INT. NOSTROMO

JOHN is taken to the INFIRMARY where the crew gets a better look at the FACE-HUGGER.

TOM SKERRITT

What the holy hell is that thing?

IAN HOLM

Some kind of hand-vagina-penis combo.

TOM SKERRITT

Whoever designed this creature had a really weird sexual organ fetish.

ALIEN CREATURE DESIGNER H.R. GIGER

DAS GOOT!

IAN tries to cut the FACE-HUGGER off, but a GOOEY WHITE LIQUID squirts out of it and burns through the floor.

IAN HOLM

Acid spooge. Well played, alien. Well played.

Soon the FACE-HUGGER falls off and the crew examines it. The AUDIENCE is treated to more CREEPY MUTANT VAGINA IMAGERY.

TOM SKERRITT

Uh, could somebody please explain to me why the vagina alien also has a penis?

YAPHET KOTTO

Must be Arcturian.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Seriously, whoever designed this thing is one crazy ass weirdo.

ALIEN CLREATURE DESIGNER H.R. GIGER

DAS GOOT!

JOHN wakes up.

JOHN HURT

Wow. Why is my throat so sore?

YAPHET KOTTO

Trust me dude, you don't want to know.

JOHN HURT

I'm a man. I can handle it. Tell me.

YAPHET KOTTO

You deepthroated an alien cock for nine straight hours.

JOHN HURT

(stares)

(vomits)

YAPHET KOTTO

A really gross semen joke would fit right here, but this script is going to take the high road and not sink to such childish lowbrow humor.

JOHN HURT

Eww! Why does my mouth taste so salty?!

YAPHET KOTTO

Lowbrow humor it is then.

The Nostromo docks with the mining ship and heads back home as the crew eats dinner.

JOHN HURT

Hey, are you sure I shouldn't be in quarantine or something? Or freeze me like Yaphet suggested?

IAN HOLM

Uh, yeah. I, uh, you're healthy. Stop asking questions.

JOHN HURT

My chest feels kinda itchy. Shouldn't you run an MRI scan on me just to make sure that creature didn't do anything to me?

IAN HOLM

MRI technology is too new and science fictiony for 70s audiences.

JOHN HURT

Because if there were some weird alien rape baby inside my chest I'm pretty sure our scanners would--

(choking)

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

TOM SKERRITT

WHAT IS IT JOHN?!

JOHN HURT

There was a hair in my food. Gross. Now what was I saying? Oh right, so since I was just orally violated by an alien life-form I really should--

(freaking out)

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

HARRY DEAN STANTON

WHAT'S THE MATTER JOHN?!

JOHN HURT

I just realized there's a cat in this movie. I really hate cats. Now, as I was saying--

(convulsing)

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

YAPHET KOTTO

WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU JOHN?!

JOHN HURT

I just realized all of the movie cameras and the production crew are wearing raincoats. I wonder that the hell that's all about--

A DILDO WITH TEETH

(bursting out of JOHN's chest)

SURPRISE!

(skitters off into the ship)

EVERYONE WHO EVER SAW THAT SCENE FOR THE FIRST TIME

(scared shitless)

HEAVENS TO MURGATROYD!

THE MOVIE'S HIDDEN MESSAGE

Take a good long look at John, fellas. THIS is what happens when you have illicit or pre-marital sex or masturbate. And ladies, you will ALWAYS subconsciously associate this scene with pregnancy. You're welcome. Now enjoy the rest of the movie!

Meanwhile...

The crew decides to look for the ALIEN DILDO MONSTER.

TOM SKERRITT

Because this is the 70s, everybody splitting up and searching this huge, dark, wet, scary haunted house of a ship by themselves hasn't become a horror cliche yet, so let's do that.

HARRY DEAN STANTON

Damn, and I was only two days away from retirement. I wonder which of us is going to die next?

ALIEN

(fully grown)

"Space Trucker a la mode"! My favorite!

(eats HARRY)

VERONICA CARTWRIGHT

Holy shit! How the fuck did it grow so big and so fast?

YAPHET KOTTO

It must have gotten into my Viagra stash!

TOM SKERRITT

Clearly John wasn't the main character because he didn't have a rockin' hobo beard like me, so I'm going to go kill the monster with my main character invulnerability powers!

TOM crawls through the ship's JEFFERIES TUBES, which are DARK AS HELL.

TOM SKERRITT

Really? Does emergency lighting not exist in the future? I've been to Goth raves with brighter lighting than this.

ALIEN

(picking pieces of HARRY out of its teeth)

Hey Tom. Mmmm, I'm really diggin' that beard. Looks good on you.

TOM SKERRITT

Uh, thanks.

ALIEN

You know where it would look even better? IN MY STOMACH!

(eats TOM, or cocoons him, depending on which version of the movie you prefer)

Unlike the other characters, SIGOURNEY decides to use her BRAIN and discovers THE COMPANY she works for was screwing the crew over all along.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Oh my God! An evil greedy corporation that believes its employees are expendable at the cost of expanding its market share! I have never heard of such a thing!

IAN HOLM

Not only that, but I am an evil android!

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Oh my God!

IAN HOLM

That bleeds low-fat yogurt!

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Oh my God!

IAN HOLM

And I am going to rape you!

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Oh my God!

IAN HOLM

With this rolled up magazine!

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

OH MY GOD PLEASE NO!

But YAPHET stops IAN from initiating his rape subroutine by clubbing THE SHIT out of him.

YAPHET KOTTO

When you think about it, this entire android subplot doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

VERONICA CARTWRIGHT

Yeah. If they were going to make a rape-bot you'd think they'd make a younger, thinner, less hairy model.

YAPHET KOTTO

And who builds a life-like MALE android? How do you expect me to put my junk in THAT?

VERONICA CARTWRIGHT

Arcturian, remember?

YAPHET KOTTO

Oh right! It doesn't matter if it's Arcturian!

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

We need to get off of the Nostromo. You guys stay here and die while I go Save The Cat! Because a cat's life is much more important than a human's.

P.E.T.A.

Damn right!

SIGOURNEY leaves.

ALIEN

(appearing)

Hey Yaphet. Mmmm, that's a really nice skull you've got there. Looks spicy.

YAPHET KOTTO

Uh, thanks.

ALIEN

Mind if I use my freaky mouth-penis-tongue thing to punch through it?

YAPHET KOTTO

I don't see why not.

The ALIEN turns YAPHET'S HEAD into a BRAIN SMOOTHIE while VERONICA just stands there and pees her pants because she is a WOMAN and this is THE 70s.

ALIEN

Hey Veronica. Mmmm, you're lookin' pretty tasty. Mind if the camera suggests I am about to violate you anally with my tail before I kill you? Or would that be taking this whole rape analogy one step too far?

VERONICA CARTWRIGHT

Technically my inaction led to you killing Yaphet just now, so I kind of have an equally horrifying death coming--

(is killed)

Meanwhile...

SIGOURNEY activates the NOSTROMO'S SELF-DISTRUCT, then changes her mind and tries to DEACTIVATE IT. This FAILS.

"MOTHER", THE SHIP'S COMPUTER

The ship will blow up in 5 minutes, but I talk so slowly that it will actually be more like 15 minutes. I must be running on a Windows 79 operating system.

SIGOURNEY and her CAT escape in the shuttle before the Nostromo EXPLODES in a really expensive FOURTH OF JULY fireworks display.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

The alien is dead. Now I can relax.

SIGOURNEY strips down to what the movie wants us to believe passes for UNDERWEAR in the future.

ALIEN

(appearing)

Hey Sigourney. Mmmm, that's a nice little pair of panties you're almost wearing. I've literally seen thongs bigger than that you know.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Why is your head shaped like a giant black penis?

ALIEN

Because that's what a lot of 70s moviegoers were most afraid of back then.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

And where the hell are your eyes?

ALIEN

Uh, I don't think I have any.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Then I guess that explains why you didn't see me slip into this space suit and pick up this phallic-shaped grappling gun!

(shoots the ALIEN)

ALIEN

Ow! That really hurt! Who the hell brings a grappling gun onto a space ship?! What could you possibly use it for out in space?!

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Enough is enough! I have had it with these mutha fuckin' aliens on this mutha fuckin' plane! Err, space ship.

SIGOURNEY ejects the ALIEN right the fuck out into SPACE.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

(recording log entry)

I have killed the penis monster. Thank God I'll never have to see one of those things again for the rest of my career. It's strictly tearjerkers and Woody Allen films for me. Yessir, I doubt I'll ever be in another movie like this ever again.

(sees Alien's BOX OFFICE numbers)

I LOVE PENIS MONSTERS! MORE PENIS MONSTERS!

END