FADE IN:

EXT. EPCOT GERMANY

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER lives happily with BOTH PARENTS.

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

Once upon a time, my father, Good King Hadley Fraser, and my mother, Equally Good Queen Lorena Andrea, ruled over what has to be the world's richest deposit of precious gems and rare-earth minerals. But they felt it only right and proper to distribute the revenue from the mines back to the citizens and also throw an annual pie party. As a result, our nation regularly ranked the highest in terms of general happiness, adult literacy, and female labor-force participation. Then a case of Disney Parental Death Disorder befell Mom, so it's nothing but shit from here.

GAL GADOT arrives.

GAL GADOT

People of Epcot Germany, I'm here to tell you that King Hadley has not defended you properly. Choose me to rule alongside him, and you shall have the best queen in the history of the world. The best.

PEOPLE

Fuck off, you're here just for the mines.

GAL GADOT

(displays pics of herself in uniform circa 2005)

PEOPLE

DAYUM. Okay, you can stay.

GAL GADOT

Brilliant.

(marries KING HADLEY)

By the way, Your Benevolence, I fear a threat from Canada. Go deal with it.

GOOD KING HADLEY FRASER

From Canada? Come on, they have to salvage airplane parts from museums. Seriously, that happened. They're no threat to--

NOW EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

(displays pics of herself in Miss Universe 2004)

GOOD KING HADLEY FRASER

Whatever you say.

(leaves, with some difficulty)

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

And as if I didn't know: Patrick, Patrick, here's a test: Name the babe who looks the best.

MAGIC MIRROR PATRICK PAGE

According to the last FHM ranking before they discontinued the print edition, you.

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

And don't you ever forget it. Now, Rachel, I have the perfect way for you to prepare to take your father's throne: mopping. Endless, endless mopping.

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

Sure.

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

Sure? What do you mean, sure? Are you telling me you WANT damp hems and straggly hair and the never-ending smell of bleach?

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

I'm telling you there's no shame in performing domestic roles that normally go to low-skilled immigrant women with limited options elsewhere. I shall embrace it uncomplainingly in solidarity with those women.

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

...Are you like this all the time?

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

Often enough to annoy millions as soon as I get a starring role in something. So, uh, which hand does the mop go in again?

INT. SEVERAL YEARS LATER

PRINCESS RACHEL is still mopping. She catches ANDREW BURNAP stealing some VEGETABLES.

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

Hey! The castle kitchens aren't a public food pantry!

ANDREW BURNAP

I know, but--

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

But we have plenty to eat, so they really should be. Exactly. Go right ahead.

ANDREW BURNAP

You're going to let me rob the castle with complete impunity? I don't think your parents were ever THAT generous.

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

I'll admit they preferred a more redistributive approach, but they did believe the availability of fresh produce shouldn't be constrained by private vehicle access or--

ANDREW BURNAP

Okay, okay, I'll leave. Geez.

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

Oh, no, you won't. Those vegetables were MINE to smother in beluga caviar and encrust in 18-karat gold. Guards! Seize him!

GUARDS

(seize him)

ANDREW BURNAP

Hey, Rachel, seeing as you're the only child of the rightful king and queen, maybe you could do something about this?

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

Oh, I couldn't do that. I don't believe I should wield monarchical authority simply because of my parentage. As a matter of fact--

ANDREW BURNAP

(struggles mightily)

LET ME GO! I'LL DO ANYTHING!

Instead the GUARDS drag him to the OUTSIDE OF THE FRONT GATE and bind him there with CLOTH.

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

Your Fierceness, why must you take such a carceral approach to governance? Why, my father--

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

Is dead. Hear me? Dead. Killed by the Canadians. With hockey sticks down his throat or whatever they do. And the only reason you're not as dead as him is because you're not a threat to my rule, just an insufferable scold. Don't push me, little girl.

PRINCESS RACHEL abandons her MOP in despair and runs OUTSIDE.

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

Maybe Andrew has a point. Maybe I SHOULD exercise my royal privilege in service of the greater good. But how can I do that without resorting to the use of military force? And how could the people trust me if I did? But then again, how can I ignore Gal beating their plowshares into swords? Oh, what should I DO?

(to tune of "Someday My Prince Will Come")

Someday my spine will come

Till then I’ll er and um

Over if I should sit on my ass

While Gal shits on the whole working class

She, while I hem and haw,

Tears down the rule of law

Yes, I really should act

But it seems it’s a fact

That I think that a regular-ass government shutdown would be somehow worse than the entire government being mindlessly dismantled from the inside out by a vainglorious unelected sociopath who only cares about their own ego and personal enrichment, so I guess I’ll just squander my chance to take a meaningful stand against tyranny, and instead twiddle my thumbs and hide behind rhetoric and hope everything works out, like the limp, useless so-called public servant I am.

(clears throat)

If you catch my drift.

INT. GAL'S CHAMBER

Meanwhile, EVIL QUEEN GAL tries out her newest ENSEMBLE.

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

What do you think, Patrick? In a decadent display of my wealth and power, I've wrapped myself in a garbage bag, decorated it with some Ring Pops, and made a crown out of triangular windowpanes.

MAGIC MIRROR PATRICK PAGE

Um... can't you just wear the uniform? It still fits, right?

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

That sounds suspiciously like you DON'T think this outfit is fabulous. Patrick, Patrick, tell no lie: Who on Earth be hot as I?

MAGIC MIRROR PATRICK PAGE

Still you, no matter what you wear. Rachel would be close, if her face looked less horizontally stretched, and if she didn't stick her head up a mule's butt to create that hairdo.

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

Would be close, would she?! ANSU!

Huntsman ANSU KABIA enters.

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

Rachel is a threat to me now. Go murder her.

ANSU KABIA

Why is she a threat? Is she planning to raise an army of the citizens who recognize her as the legitimate heir to the throne?

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

No, it's just that Patrick thinks she's cute enough.

ANSU KABIA

Lady, I'm a huntsman, not a hit man. If you expect me to--

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

(shows him pics of training sessions on the set of Wonder Woman)

ANSU KABIA

I live to serve, my queen.

He invites PRINCESS RACHEL on an APPLE-PICKING TRIP.

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

Ansu, I'm so glad we're engaging in this wholesome activity together. I'm sure you're well aware that apple-picking and other forms of outdoor recreation are traditionally regarded as "white" pursuits, but--

ANSU KABIA

AAARGH. Look, the queen ordered me to kill you, and I'm getting more tempted by the second. There's a nice cottage in the Idyllic Bunny Forest. You need to cut through the Terrifying Monster Forest to get there, but it's worth it. Please go there and stay there.

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

I appreciate your desire not to be exploited for your white master's violent ends, but--

ANSU KABIA

Some dwarves live there.

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

People with dwarfism.

ANSU KABIA

Right. Go throw them a Dwarfism Awareness Week or something.

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

Can do!

She makes it through the TERRIFYING MONSTER FOREST without so much as a SMUDGE OF DIRT and meets the SEVEN CGI MONSTROSITIES.

HEINOUS

Princess, you are most welcome here! I'm Heinous, and this is Hideous, Horrid, Repugnant, Repulsive, Revolting, and Oh God My Eyes. I'm sure you're tired, so please make yourself comfortable on whatever piece of furniture might possibly fit, or put two or three of them together if you must.

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

I'm grateful for your hospitality, but I must point out that Repulsive is presently dumping a bowl of porridge on the head of Oh God My Eyes.

HEINOUS

Yes, that's kind of his thing.

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

Well, the wanton food waste is appalling, to say nothing of the inherent violence and insensitivity in Repulsive's expression of masculinity.

REPULSIVE

Then find another hotel, you whiny bitch. They don't call me by my name for nothing.

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

That's a fixed mindset that holds you all back from real growth. I think we all need to sit down in a mindful space and--

OH GOD MY EYES

(covers head with porridge bowl so he doesn't have to hear it)

HEINOUS

You know, this sort of thing has happened before, but the visitor led by example and didn't browbeat us into the ground right after we met.

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

I'm well aware. And in doing so she advanced a regressive view of womanhood that--

HEINOUS

(smiling tightly)

Please stop. Please. Stop it.

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

Look, this is just how I do, okay? If you want an example to follow, this is it.

(to tune of "Whistle While You Work")

I lecture while they work!

Yes, lecture while they work!

I signal all my virtues

While the peons toil in dirt!

Such flak that I've amassed--

But don't be so aghast!

Since Disney wrote my lines this way

I'm not at all miscast!

HEINOUS

Huh. No, I guess you're not. But maybe we're the wrong septet for you to be hanging out with. Have you met the anarcho-syndicalist commune a mile down the path? They have a real dwarf.

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

So... this movie has a group of seven not-dwarves AND a group of six not-dwarves plus one dwarf? What cravenly mercantile Disney purpose does that serve exactly?

HEINOUS

A back story for your love interest, and maybe a few extra Halloween costumes.

EXT. SOME LOVELY FILTH

PRINCESS RACHEL meets the COMMUNE, led by ANDREW.

ANDREW BURNAP

Oh, it's you again. Guess you're finally done with that self-perpetuating autocracy, huh? Glad you came to your senses.

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

I really must object to the term "autocracy." If my parents were true autocrats, would they have thrown all those pie parties?

ANDREW BURNAP

Cheap distractions from their outdated imperialist dogma. I and my band of five not-dwarves plus one real dwarf have chosen to live apart from all that.

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

How's that working out for you? You know there can be no hope of reforming a system that you reject wholesale.

ANDREW BURNAP

We're well aware. That's WHY we've rejected it in favor of insurrectionary anarchism. Informal organization, refusal to compromise, permanent class conflict, all that good stuff. Mostly we pick off some of the queen's soldiers with crossbows.

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

So you make yourselves judge, jury, executioner without the consent of the populace? How are your methods any different from those of the queen?

ANDREW BURNAP

It's not a question of methods. But I wouldn't expect YOU to know the difference, seeing as you're the progeny of the very system you defend.

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

I'll have you know that I've read every word that Charles Taylor ever wrote, and I believe the state is the ideal apparatus for democratic socialism!

ANDREW BURNAP

Your books merely serve to numb your mind when you could be putting it to direct action!

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

Your choice of violence only satisfies your primal male toxicity instead of the greater good!

ANDREW BURNAP

Puppet!

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

Freak!

ANDREW BURNAP

No, YOU!

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

NO, YOU!

She tackles him and they start vigorously hate-fucking in a pile of LEAVES.

ONE OF THE NOT-DWARVES

Um... should we be doing something about this?

THE ONE REAL DWARF

Leave them to it. It's the traditional mating ritual of the loudmouth slacktivist.

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

(rolls off ANDREW)

Whew. I needed that. So who's ready to depose the queen?

ANDREW BURNAP

With crossbows?

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

Believe me, I'll definitely have some use for your bolt when we get there.

INT. GAL’S CHAMBER

GAL seeks an update from her TALKING PIECE OF GLASS.

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

Patrick, Patrick, be it said: Who’s the best now Rachel’s dead?

MAGIC MIRROR PATRICK PAGE

She’s not dead, you idiot. Ansu just gave you an apple in a box instead of her heart. How did you not notice that? Even if you didn’t look in the box, just picking it up should have tipped you off. Hearts don’t roll around like that.

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

Fuck! That’s it, I’m going to ice this bitch myself. Since that forest is situated in the heart of the Uncanny Valley, I’ll put on some really stupid-looking old age effects to fit in.

(becomes Gruntilda from Banjo-Kazooie)

Perfect!

She goes to the FOREST and finds RACHEL.

SCARY OLD CRONE GAL GADOT

Hey stranger, I’m selling these 100% organic, locally-sourced, guaranteed-not-poisoned apples. Free sample?

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

Sorry, I’m late to dethrone the queen, who come to think of it is the only other place I’ve heard your exact accent--

SCARY OLD CRONE GAL GADOT

I just thought it’d be a nice gesture, since your administration imbued apples with positive semantic significance and all. Buuuuut I suppose distributing symbolic produce is the exclusive province of the ruling class. Sorry for not knowing my place as a worthless peasant.

(turns to leave)

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

Wait! I’m not classist about fruit, I swear! Gimme that.

(eats apple)

(dies)

(but not really)

Later the MONSTROSITIES find RACHEL’S "CORPSE."

REPULSIVE

Oh look, it’s that annoying loudmouth who spent one night at our place. Who feels like digging a grave?

NOBODY raises their hand.

HEINOUS

I think I have a box that’ll fit.

REPULSIVE

Works for me.

They stick the "CORPSE" in a BOX. ANDREW arrives.

ANDREW BURNAP

Oh my beloved, despised Rachel! Where will I ever find another woman who once audited a first-year poli-sci course? But for once her lips aren’t moving a million miles a minute, maybe it wouldn’t be too weird if I...

(kisses RACHEL)

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

(revived)

Oh, you and I are gonna have a LONG conversation about consent.

ANDREW BURNAP

I missed this.

EXT. CASTLE

PRINCESS RACHEL heads through the GATES with ANDREW, the COMMUNE, and all the PEASANTS behind her.

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

Ooh. I'm shaking now. What are you gonna do, make them overrun me with pitchforks and brooms?

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

Worse.

(pauses for effect)

I'm going to explain at length why I'm choosing nonviolence.

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT/ANDREW BURNAP

Oh good God.

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

You see, previous dynasties were still inherently unjust due to the hereditary transfer of absolute power, which I cannot in good conscience condone, at least in theory. But your predecessors did make a point of securing the trust of the citizens through

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

Shut up.

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

an appropriate balance of panem et circenses, whereas you appear to offer neither, short of your attempts to frame your own appearance as a variant of circenses, while withholding

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

SHUT UP.

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

all but the most rudimentary panem, and only, it seems, for the purpose of feeding your all-conscript army. It would behoove you to, at the very least, restore the annual pie party, which would earn you

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

SHUT UP!!!

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

great favor for your character as well as your appearance. Now I'm well aware that society often overemphasizes women's looks, but I respectfully submit that

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

Okay, I'm going inside until someone gets the sense to put a poleaxe in you.

She turns around to see the SEVEN CGI MONSTROSITES lined up in front of the CASTLE ENTRANCE, glaring at her.

HEINOUS

(to tune of "Heigh-Ho")

Let's goooooo!

OTHER MONSTROSITIES

Let's goooooo!

Let's go! Let's go!

Try coming at us, bro!

You've never faced this kind of foe!

Hell no!

So gloves off and let's go! Let's go!

Just get past us, you ho!

You wanna fight?

Then down we'll throw!

Let's go! Let's--

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

(punts OH GOD MY EYES into the dry moat lined with iron spikes)

OH GOD MY EYES

(impaled)

OTHER MONSTROSITIES

(spattered with red pixels)

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

And nothing of value was lost.

She storms past them into her CHAMBER.

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

(looks out the window)

God, she's still going. Okay, I need another mirror hit to erase the past few minutes. Patrick, Patrick, say it true: Most attractive, as per you?

MAGIC MIRROR PATRICK PAGE

Just so I know, what would happen if I named anyone else?

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

Hmm. I never asked.

MAGIC MIRROR PATRICK PAGE

Well, let's give it a spin. NOT YOU.

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

NARRRRRRGHGHGHGHGHHHHH!

(begins melting, then pauses)

But not Rachel either, right?

MAGIC MIRROR PATRICK PAGE

Nah. I'm really into Zendaya these days.

EVIL QUEEN GAL GADOT

ASDLK;FJSD;LKFJASD;LKFJKJKJG;

(resumes melting to completion)

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

That was easy. So, Andrew, about that bolt: Wanna be my consort?

ANDREW BURNAP

And become a figurehead of the very monarchy I've devoted my life to bringing down? Forget--

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

(displays printouts of Google Image Search results for "rachel zegler hot")

ANDREW BURNAP

--everything I've said until now.

And so PRINCESS RACHEL assumes the THRONE.

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

Good people of Epcot Germany! I have reluctantly accepted my birthright and shall lead you altruistically into a renewal of profit sharing and pie!

PEOPLE

YAAAAYYYY!

PRINCESS RACHEL ZEGLER

And in a nod to the value of institutional continuity, I shall leave the important stuff to my geriatric ministers who have been around forever!

PEOPLE

FUUUUUUUUUUCK

END