FADE IN:

EXT. CHINATOWN - NIGHT

Inventor HOYT AXTON addresses the audience amid a dim, steamy Chinatown alley evocative of film noir.

HOYT AXTON (V.O)

Let my sultry voice lull you into deep suspension of your disbelief. The story begins as I go door to door in Chinatown, pitching my invention to local retailers and child passersby.

A BOY leads HOYT into his grandfather's shop. It is cluttered with ASIAN RELIGIOUS IDOLS. The owner of the shop, KEYE LUKE, seems to be 1000 years old and is smoking from an opium pipe.

HOYT AXTON

This looks exactly like the kind of store that'll buy my bathroom appliance multi-tool.

HOYT notices an ADORABLE FURRY CREATURE in a box.

HOYT AXTON

Ooh is that the new Atari?

KEYE LUKE

No, that's a live animal. And I'm not gonna sell it to a guy that just squirted toothpaste on himself.

In the ALLEY, behind KEYE LUKE's BACK, the BOY-CHILD sells the creature to the MAN-CHILD.

BOY

He's called a Mogwai, and he comes with three extremely important rules. Keep him away from bright light, don't let him touch water, and don't feed him after midnight.

HOYT AXTON

Whatever, sounds good kid.

BOY

You sure you don't have any followup questions? I'm telling you not to give this living thing water. Nothing you want to ask?

NOPE.

EXT. KINGSTON FALLS - DAY

COOL TEEN, ZACH GALLIGAN, rides to work on his skateboard, hitching onto passing cars.

ZACH GALLIGAN

Just kidding, wrong movie, but true story: I did audition for Back to the Future! Eric Stoltz was just better for the role.

He also brings his DOG to his job at the BANK.

ZACH GALLIGAN

Yup, I take my dog around with me in public. The world may be in 1984, but I'm in 2022.

Coworker PHOEBE CATES enters the office.

PHOBE CATES

Hey Zach, I see you brought your dog with you again today!

ZACH GALLIGAN

Hey Phoebe! Yeah, he wanted to come because I said I was going to the bank and he thought I said the "bark".

PHOEBE CATES

Oh wow.

ZACH GALLIGAN

Haha, just kidding.

Enter LOCAL WICKED WITCH, POLLY HOLLIDAY.

POLLY HOLLIDAY

You aren't allowed to keep your dog in here! People don't do that yet! Get him out or else I'll torture him to death.

PHOEBE CATES

Wow, this is literally 1984.

INT. HOME - DAY

The house is SCATTERED with stupid INVENTIONS and also a pair of SWORDS on the wall: a like every house in the suburbs has.

HOYT AXTON

Merry Christmas son, I bought you this endangered animal. I call him Gizmo. He comes with three rules I'm honestly surprised I remembered. Breaking them could spell disaster.

ZACH GALLIGAN

The movie's PG, what's the worst that can happen?

HOYT AXTON

I don't know and I probably won't find out, because even though I'm the narrator, I'm gonna be absent for the remaining key events of the movie.

Like 10 SECONDS LATER, ZACH BREAKS the SECOND RULE, spilling a glass of WATER on GIZMO. He MULTIPLIES into several more BRAND NEW MOGWAIS.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

ZACH brings the MOGWAIS to his HIGH SCHOOL BIOLOGY TEACHER, GLYNN TURMAN - the person to TALK TO when things MAGICALLY CLONE THEMSELVES.

GLYNN TURMAN

Can I keep one of these to run some tests on it?

ZACH GALLIGAN

You're gonna give it a test?

GLYNN TURMAN

I mean a scientific test, not a test like I give you students.

After some tests, GLYNN TURMAN heads home, leaving the MOGWAI in a cage.

MOGWAI

Gee, I wish I had had time to study.

GLYNN TURMAN

Hey, I wonder what would happen if I accidentally left a half-eaten ham sandwich on the table here as I head home? And wouldn't it be cool if I left it three inches from the Mogwai's cage? (A normal way of dealing with unfinished food which is not this movie forcing an inciting incident).

No, it would not be cool.

INT. HOME - NIGHT

According to ZACH'S CLOCK, it's not midnight yet. He gives grilled chicken to all the MOGWAIS except for GIZMO, who is on a diet.

ZACH'S DOG

What? Come on, they get grilled chicken?

ZACH GALLIGAN

Here, you little sweethearts.

MOGWAIS

...get played, sucker...

ZACH GALLIGAN

What was that?

MOGWAIS

We said we love you Zach!

By morning, all of ZACH's Mogwais except GIZMO have turned into what it would look like if "YOSHI EGGS" were gross. He discovers the POWER CABLE to his CLOCK was chewed - he had actually fed them PAST MIDNIGHT!

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

GLYNN TURMAN comes to work and sees his MOGWAI is also a gross version of a YOSHI EGG. IT HATCHES and a GREMLIN emerges.

GLYNN TURMAN

Uh oh. I've read the "Black Dude Dies First" article on TVTropes.com and I do not like where this is going.

INT. HOME - DAY

ZACH's MOM, FRANCES LEE MCCAIN is alone. All ZACH'S GREMLINS HATCH. She kills 3 of them with INVENTIONS and KITCHEN APPLIANCES, putting one in the microwave so it EXPLODES into GREEN GOO.

FRANCES LEE MCCAIN

Wow, that was a lot. Maybe someone needs to invent a rating in between PG and R.

A GREMLIN is about to kill FRANCES LEE MCCAIN when ZACH enters and SAVES her LIFE by taking the DECORATIVE SWORD off the wall and SLICING THAT TWERP UP like SASHIMI.

FRANCES LEE MCCAIN

Don't tell your dad, I don't want him to know those swords actually came in handy.

EXT. KINGSTON FALLS - NIGHT

ZACH CHASES the remaining gremlin, STRIPE, to the YMCA (Yuletide Movie with Cronenberg-esque Artwork), where he jumps into an OLYMPIC SIZE SWIMMING POOL. It starts to BUBBLE AND GLOW GREEN, the Gremlin color.

ZACH goes to the POLICE STATION and tries to EXPLAIN THE PREMISE OF THE MOVIE TO the town's only TWO COPS, but they think he sounds like a CRAZY PERSON.

COP 1

Your story doesn't make sense kid. What does "after midnight" mean? Every time is "after" midnight. Is it a window like McDonalds breakfast? Do they mean "in between midnight and dawn?"

COP 2

And how do the Mogwais know what time zone they're in? Do their bodies have an internal clock down to the exact minute? 12:01 you're in trouble but 11:59 you're good?

ZACH GALLIGAN

Look, I wouldn't look at it so literally. It's more of an atmosphere and a commentary on consumerism.

COPS

On Christmas eve? Scram, kid!

The GREMLINS go around town assaulting people: they rewire traffic lights to make cars crash, gang up on the local mall Santa, and KILL LOCAL WICKED WITCH POLLY HOLLIDAY.

POLLY HOLLIDAY

I should've known when I threatened to torture that dog to death that I was in for some kind of comeuppance...

INT. DORRY'S TAVERN

ZACH rescues PHOEBE from the GREMLINS at her bartending job (kids in this town have VERY ADULT JOBS). ROWDY GREMLINS drink beer out of TINY MUGS and smoke TINY CIGARETTES. Some of them are wearing TINY HATS AND TINY SUNGLASSES, all of which they presumably PULLED out of their HINDQUARTERS.

In an INTENSE moment of REVELATION, PHOEBE opens up about her father's violent death in a movie where the same type of violence is used for slapstick humor.

EXT. KINGSTON FALLS - NIGHT

They go to the movie theater where all the GREMLINS are watching SNOW WHITE. ZACH and PHOEBE fill the theater with gas and explode it because they've apparently read the ANARCHIST's COOKBOOK.

EVERY GREMLIN EXCEPT STRIPE

(dies)

STRIPE

Thank God the S-man was across the street getting a little Milk Dud action.

ZACH and STRIPE FIGHT in a DEPARTMENT STORE, using MERCHANDISE as WEAPONRY in various interesting ways.

ZACH GALLIGAN

Wow, what a dark and poignant visual commentary on the holiday season!

STRIPE

I couldn't agree more! Nothing says Christmas like a destructive excess of material goods.

(attacks Zach with chainsaw)

STRIPE climbs into an indoor fountain and starts to MULTIPLY again, but before the reaction occurs, Gizmo OPENS the BLINDS! Stripe's skin BOILS away into a GROTESQUE biological horrorshow.

STRIPE'S SKELETON

(last words)

P...g...thirt...teen...

HOYT AXTON

I'm here! What did I miss?

INT. HOME - DAY

The family and PHOEBE CATES are on the COUCH with GIZMO watching the NEWS REPORT.

KEYE LUKE knocks on the door.

KEYE LUKE

Give me back my Mogwai. You Americans are not responsible enough to care for him.

HOYT AXTON

How did you find our house?

KEYE LUKE

Look up the "Magical Asian" trope on TVTropes.com.

HOYT AXTON (V.O.)

And that's the story of the Gremlins. I hope you learned a valuable lesson about consumerism, and about the importance of keeping historic swords on your wall as a decoration. Now go buy a Gizmo plushie. Merry Christmas!

END