FADE IN:

INT. (IT'S A NICE DAY FOR A) GREY WEDDING

DAKOTA JOHNSON walks down the AISLE to the tune of THOUSANDS OF VOICES screaming at her to TURN BACK, YOU IDIOT.

PRIEST

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get this last one over with. Go.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

I, Dakota, take you, Jamie, to be my contractually obligated dungeon master...

JAMIE DORNAN

To whip and to spank from this day forward...

DAKOTA JOHNSON

For orgasmic or for ouchy...

JAMIE DORNAN

For richer, for way richer...

DAKOTA JOHNSON

In shackles and in ropes...

DAKOTA/JAMIE

So long as we both shall bore.

PRIEST

By the power vested in me by the chardonnay-addled mind of E.L. James, I pronounce you asswipe and moron. Everyone else may piss off.

JAMIE DORNAN

Finally!

PRIEST

Everyone ELSE.

JAMIE DORNAN

Shit.

EXT. #HONEYMOONGOALS

DAKOTA and JAMIE fuck on a PLANE and then they fuck upon a TRAIN and fuck again inside a BOAT and keep on fucking in a MOAT and fuck in LOUIS FOURTEEN'S MANSE and fuck all over SOUTHERN FRANCE and fuck inside a TUB OF FOAM and fuck some more while flying HOME.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Shouldn't we discuss a few things that any sane couple would have discussed long before the wedding? Like my last name, and where we stand on having kids, and the appropriate way for you to react when I decide the Riviera is a suitable place to go topless, and how barging into my office in the middle of a meeting is completely unacceptable unless someone died, and whether or not I WANT two bodyguards following me around, and why you keep a gun in your desk, and how and why our archnemesis Evil McDouche built a bomb and planted it in your office, and-

JAMIE DORNAN

Have a bracelet.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

SHIIIIIIIIINYYYYYYYYYY

EXT. SEATTLE SUBURB

JAMIE takes DAKOTA to see a GINORMOUS HOUSE.

JAMIE DORNAN

I bought it without consulting you. What do you think?

DAKOTA JOHNSON

I think you're lucky that nobody would turn this house down, or I'd be worried about the precedent this sets for our marriage.

JAMIE DORNAN

Wise choice. I've invited architect Arielle Kebbel to give you an excuse to grow a vertebra.

ARIELLE KEBBEL

So my plan is to take this place from Downton Abbey-level opulence to Hussein-level opulence, only it'll be monochromatic and ultramodern, just like you.

(touches JAMIE's arm)

JAMIE DORNAN

BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH!

He runs away, leaving behind a JAMIE-SHAPED DUST CLOUD.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Listen, whore, you may have fooled the audience into thinking your character mattered, but get this: You're not remotely a threat to me. You're BLOND.

ARIELLE KEBBEL

Geez, I'm sorry if you got the wrong impression. Some people just touch other people's arms casually without meaning anything.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Your face will get the wrong impression from my shoe unless you shape up. Now design my fucking dream mansion, skank. With a pink elevator and everything.

ARIELLE KEBBEL

Look, bitch, I make enough money to be choosy with my clients. So I choose to keep working for you for some reason even though you're a jealous, self-absorbed psychopath.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Good. Now, the sex dungeon...

On the way home in their AUDI R8, JAMIE realizes they're being followed by a DODGE.

JAMIE DORNAN

An American car? Ew. Dakota, show the audience what fine German machinery and a 540-hp V10 engine starting at $164,900 can do.

PROFESSIONAL DRIVER ON CLOSED COURSE DAKOTA magically acquires a TALENT FOR STUNT DRIVING and a HALF-EMPTY RUSH HOUR I-5.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Wow, I'm so proud of myself that I actually seem eager to sit on your dick for once.

JAMIE DORNAN

(sighs)

Fine.

INT. BAR

DAKOTA meets her BFF ELOISE MUMFORD after a busy day of FUCK ALL.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

(giggles)

We totally shouldn't be here. Jamie told me to go straight home after work for my own safety. I hope the two bodyguards he assigned to me don't tell him.

ELOISE MUMFORD

Do you have any idea how psychotic that sounds? It makes ME fear for your safety. For real.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Whatevsies. Let me tell you how I dealt with that slut Arielle.

FOUR DRINKS later, DAKOTA arrives home, where a KNIFE-wielding EVIL MCDOUCHE tackles her. The BODYGUARDS subdue him.

SECURITY LADY

Under the circumstances, you'd think we'd have cuffs.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

You can borrow ours.

(turns to audience)

What? This is a dramatic scene! Why are you laughing?!

JAMIE arrives home.

JAMIE DORNAN

See what happens when you disobey my direct orders? I'm going to punish you with orgasm denial, which would be an acceptable BDSM activity if I warned you first.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

What happened to "no more punishments," dickwad?

JAMIE DORNAN

I wasn't listening. But I'll make it up to you with a trip to Aspen where nothing important happens except for you eating ice cream out of my top bush.

ICE CREAM

(is ruined)

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE

DAKOTA visits after missing her BIRTH CONTROL SHOTS and DEAR GOD NO.

DOCTOR

Yup. You're up the spout.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

What?!

DOCTOR

Well, you see, Dakota, when an asswipe and a moron fuck each other very much...

JAMIE takes this with his characteristic CALM and REASONABLENESS.

JAMIE DORNAN

Are you serious?! We can't have a kid now! We were supposed to fuck on every surface of my other five houses first!

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Oh, this is all MY fault, is it? I'm pretty sure it was YOUR semen I've been taking on in numbers that would rival the USS Nimitz!

JAMIE DORNAN

I refuse to allow the child we produced together to divert your attention from my cock!

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Well, I refuse to let you channel your anger at being in this franchise into your performance!

JAMIE DORNAN

I OBVIOUSLY HATE YOUR GUTS!

DAKOTA JOHNSON

I OBVIOUSLY HATE YOUR GUTS!!!

INT. AN EVEN DUMBER VERSION OF TAKEN, WERE SUCH A THING POSSIBLE

DAKOTA's day of POUTING and ADJUSTING FONT SIZES is interrupted by a phone call from EVIL MCDOUCHE.

EVIL MCDOUCHE

Don't call 911. I have the plot.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

It's alive?!

EVIL MCDOUCHE

Only as long as you cooperate with this ridiculous contrivance. You have two hours to get me...

(close-up)

FIVE MEELEEON DOLLARS!

DAKOTA JOHNSON

...That's it? Jamie has over 200 times that number to his name. He spends five mill a month on lube.

EVIL MCDOUCHE

Oh. Um... Would it be too late to revise my demands?

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Yes.

EVIL MCDOUCHE

Curses. OK, five mill it is.

(hangs up)

DAKOTA JOHNSON

There's no way I can pull this off unless everyone else involved is a bigger moron than me. Hey, security guy! Look over there!

SECURITY GUY

(looks over there)

DAKOTA grabs the gun in JAMIE's desk, wondering why the word CHEKHOV is stamped on it. She heads to the FIRST NATIONAL BANK OF GULLIBLE.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Hey, bank guy! Put a seven-figure amount of cash in this duffel bag and take it to that waiting car! And don't even think about wasting my time with that federally mandated paperwork!

BANK GUY

Right away, obviously distressed woman dressed for a hasty cross-border escape.

He is arrested for CTR EVASION while DAKOTA goes to meet EVIL MCDOUCHE. She finds him with her sister-in-law, RITA ORA, who has been gagged and bound to a CHAIR.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Wow. Original.

EVIL MCDOUCHE

Yes, by the powers of MacGyver and Snidely Whiplash combined, I have become the closest thing this franchise has to an antagonist! Now hand over the bag or you'll never see Rita alive again!

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Really? Because they've been trying to make her a thing in America for a while and we're just not into it, so...

RITA ORA

(muffled)

THNNKS, BTTCH!

EVIL MCDOUCHE

Then I hope you're into that fetus I totally don't know about!

He smacks DAKOTA in the FACE and kicks her in the STOMACH.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

I SOMEHOW KNOW HOW TO USE THIS!

She shoots him in the KNEE just as JAMIE drives up with the COPS.

JAMIE DORNAN

Oh no! I sure hope that kick didn't cause a miscarriage!

(under his breath)

Thanks, McDouche. Take the bag.

DAKOTA is taken to the HOSPITAL, where JAMIE learns that the FETUS is intact. He begins to count the number of STAIRS in their apartment.

INT. HOME

DAKOTA and JAMIE review the INTEL on MCDOUCHE.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

So he had it in for you because, even though you both became successful in your fields as well as #MeToo poster boys, you got the rich adoptive parents?

JAMIE DORNAN

Yes. We're running with that.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Well, you're NOTHING like him. You're sensitive, you respect women, you're a terrific actor, and... and...

They burst into HYSTERICS.

EXT. TWO YEARS LATER

DAKOTA and JAMIE play with their TODDLER.

DAKOTA JOHNSON

Yup. We brought a child into this. And I'm having another. We're crowdfunding their future therapy bills on Patreon.

JAMIE DORNAN

But, don't worry, this isn't a set-up for Fifty Shades 4: Seed of Fifty. We're done. Finally, finally, FINALLY done.

AUTHOR E.L. JAMES

Are you? Because I'm thinking a Jamie-focused prequel would be smashingly hot...

DAKOTA and JAMIE bind E.L. to a CHAIR.

END