FADE IN:

EXT. BEACHTOWN, NORTH CAROLINA

Soldier CHANNING TATUM spots AMANDA SEYFRIED with three of HER FRIENDS, including SCOTT PORTER.

SCOTT PORTER

So, Amanda, looks like it's just you and me and and this couple who don't get lines or names! We should get together next, just to balance them out.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Mmmm... no. You wear polo shirts, and as we all know, a polo shirt is the film equivalent of wearing an I'M A WEAK PREPPY DWEEB sign around your neck.

SCOTT PORTER

Hey, I may look weak and preppy, but we have NOT established that I'm a dweeb.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Hm. I guess not.

(balances her purse on a pier railing)

Could you sit up on this thing?

SCOTT PORTER

Whatever you say!

(does)

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Now move over to the left a little?

SCOTT PORTER

Okay!

(does)

AMANDA SEYFRIED

No, my left.

SCOTT PORTER

Okay!

(does)

(knocks purse into the ocean with butt)

AMANDA SEYFRIED

NOW you're a dweeb.

SCOTT PORTER

Shit.

CHANNING dives into the OCEAN and retrieves the PURSE, which he hands to AMANDA.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

I hope it didn't seem like I orchestrated all that in the hopes of getting the beefier shirtless guy's attention.

CHANNING TATUM

Not at all. Seemed totally natural to me, kind of how I regularly make rescues like that for only the noblest reasons, none of which include your sheer white blouse. So, my deal is being a soldier with a quirky dad and a history of punching.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

My deal is being perfect.

CHANNING TATUM

Come on.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

No, really. I am the embodiment of everything Nicholas Sparks considers virtuous in a woman. Test me.

CHANNING TATUM

Are you remotely conscious of your fresh and natural beauty?

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Not until you brought it up just now.

CHANNING TATUM

Do you drink half a glass more wine after dinner than I think you should?

AMANDA SEYFRIED

I only drink sweet tea.

CHANNING TATUM

Have you ever had even a fleeting thought about any man anywhere in sexual terms?

AMANDA SEYFRIED

I'm waiting until I meet my one true love for that.

CHANNING TATUM

Will you speak to me in a way that makes me feel like the most attractive, successful, deserving man on the planet at all times?

AMANDA SEYFRIED

You can feel perfectly safe hinging your entire sense of self on my affections.

CHANNING TATUM

Just to clarify, you'll never swear at me?

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Well, that depends. Do you count "hiney" as a swear?

CHANNING TATUM

Knowing that we're only guaranteed an absurdly brief vacation romance, will you emotionally attach yourself to me like a barnacle for all eternity?

AMANDA SEYFRIED

We'll wait and see.

Her family friend HENRY THOMAS and his son, LUKE BENWARD, show up.

HENRY THOMAS

Well, it was just like you expected. Luke totally ignored Scott and went right back to talking about trains.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Go figure. How about this one?

(gestures to CHANNING)

LUKE BENWARD, WHO ISN'T NEURODIVERGENT, JUST SO YOU KNOW

(makes two seconds of eye contact)

AMANDA SEYFRIED

And we have a winner! Okay, Channing, emotional barnacle it is.

CHANNING TATUM

Wh-what? What did any of that mean?

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Don't worry, you'll figure it out soon enough.

EXT. HABITAT FOR HUMANITY SITE

AMANDA brings CHANNING.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Now that we've established that I'm perfect and you're mildly damaged, it's time for me to do to your soul what I and 15 other people are doing to this house.

CHANNING TATUM

Do you have to? When I said I had a history of punching, the implication was that I'd stopped.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Well, we can't count on that. Anyway, while all my friends are hitting Mexican clubs that don't check IDs and regrettably hooking up with each other, I'm spending spring break doing this. Not bad, right?

CHANNING TATUM

To be honest, your virtues are so manifold that you've shot the moon and come right back around to putting me off. I'm just gonna--

NICHOLAS SPARKS

(through megaphone off set)

CUE THE RAIN RIG!

An ENTIRE BUCKET OF WATER falls on top of AMANDA.

CHANNING TATUM

But... I've already seen you in see-through clothing?

AMANDA SEYFRIED

I just thought you needed a reminder that it's this or surfing alone for the rest of your leave.

CHANNING TATUM

(sighs)

Okay, I give.

INT. CHANNING'S HOUSE

CHANNING introduces his father, RICHARD JENKINS, to AMANDA.

CHANNING TATUM

Dad, I didn't really want to introduce you to my likely one true love, Amanda Seyfried, but she insisted. I know her mere presence here is a severe disruption to the routines you depend on, but those routines annoy me and I don't care.

RICHARD JENKINS

(makes two seconds of eye contact)

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Wow, look at all the trains you have! Tell me more about your trains, Richard.

RICHARD JENKINS

(holds one up)

Trains go choo-choo.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Do they also go woo-woo?

RICHARD JENKINS

Yeah! Woo-woo!

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Chuga-chuga-chuga-chuga...

RICHARD/AMANDA

Choo-choo!

(put on matching striped conductor's caps)

CHANNING TATUM

I-- just-- what the hell?!

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Geez, you really don't get it, do you? He depends on routine, he's obsessed with you something you don't care about, and he has magical good-person-detecting powers. What else could it mean?

CHANNING TATUM

(blank)

AMANDA SEYFRIED

He has autism. I knew it the second I saw the trains.

CHANNING TATUM

What? My dad's not crazy!

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Autism isn't a mental pathology, just a spectrum of developmental disabilities typically characterized by--

CHANNING TATUM

Don't give me any of that autogym crap! You're not qualified to diagnose someone you barely know just because he likes trains! CHANNING MAD! CHANNING SMASH!

He punches SCOTT. And also HENRY. And also THAT OTHER GUY FROM THE PIER EARLIER, a DOLPHIN, and some SEA OATS. Think you can't punch SEA OATS? CHANNING can.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

What did you do that for?

CHANNING TATUM

Because punching animals, inanimate objects, and any other men in your life who aren't family members is a lot easier to forgive than punching the smugness right off your face!

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Good point. I've forgiven you already. So, I'll see you soon, then?

CHANNING TATUM

I'll see you soon, then.

A beat.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

That's our iconic couple line? Weak.

CHANNING TATUM

No, hang on, hang on. We can do better.

(clears throat)

"You have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you."

Another beat.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Forget it. Let's just stick with a line you can sell. Bye.

CHANNING TATUM

See ya.

EXT. THE NEXT FEW MONTHS

AMANDA returns to COLLEGE while CHANNING returns to being a MAN IN UNIFORM. They commence a YEAR'S WORTH OF HANDWRITTEN LETTERS.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

"Dear Channing: Two weeks together. That's all it took. Two weeks of youthful sunlit hijinks, and then we decided to spend the rest of our lives together. Disney couples at least have to defeat an evil sorcerer or something first. But it's the middle of August 2001 and everything in the world is fine for non-Albanians, so I'm sure that plan will go off without a hitch. In the meantime, let's hope we each have enough going on that this doesn't get boring fast. Love, Amanda."

CHANNING TATUM

"Dear Amanda: Good plan. Let's see.... Well, I found out that all our MREs are made with so much corn syrup that you could bury one in the ground, dig it up 50 years later, and find it just as edible. Pretty gross, right? How about you? Love, Channing."

AMANDA SEYFRIED

"Dear Channing: I've decided that after I've concluded my studies at College, I'm going to open a camp for kids with autism. It'll be a train camp. I have no idea what 'train camp' entails, but I'll figure it out. Have you ever decided what you want to do with your life after the army? I mean, besides being with me? Love, Amanda."

CHANNING TATUM

"Dear Amanda: Haven't got a clue. I guess I can help you with your train camp. You know, lay track or whatever. And if it turns out you were right about Richard having ottergasm or whatever you called it, we can let him be the conductor or something. He'll like wearing the hat all day. Love, Channing."

Then SEPTEMBER 2001 happens.

CAPT. KEITH D. ROBINSON

All right, boys, looks like it's War. We're all going, right?

The whole UNIT agrees, except for CHANNING.

CHANNING TATUM

Permission to make sure War doesn't conflict with my girlfriend's train camp plans, sir?

CAPT. KEITH D. ROBINSON

(makes whip-cracking sound)

Denied, bitch.

INT. TWO-DAY FURLOUGH

CHANNING accompanies AMANDA to the home of her parents, DAVID ANDREWS and MARY RACHEL QUINN.

MARY RACHEL QUINN

Why, Amanda, honey, you DID do well! He is just...

(strokes CHANNING's arm)

...a fine, fine stack of man. I'm sure when he takes his shirt off, his stomach...

(strokes that too)

Ooh. Yes, I bet it stays RIGHT where it is.

(lets hand begin drifting lower)

You know, if you ever decide you'd prefer a lover with a little more seasoning--

DAVID ANDREWS

Hush your mouth, woman, no chance he's as stupid as I was. So, my boy, Amanda tells me she'll have you locked down forever after she finishes up at College?

CHANNING TATUM

Um...

AMANDA SEYFRIED

(coughs)

That's TRUE, isn't it, baby?

CHANNING TATUM

You see...

(sighs)

Okay, I wasn't going to tell you until later, but I have to go to War.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

WHAT?!

CHANNING TATUM

Look, I really didn't want to do anything to delay the opening of train camp, but the world changed forever on a single morning and--

AMANDA SEYFRIED

I don't care! I'm a rich white girl who lives in a former plantation house! None of that is supposed to affect me beyond making air travel less convenient! You... you... you NINCOMPOOP!

(storms out)

DAVID ANDREWS

(shakes head gravely)

Son, I ain't heard that girl say "poop" since the help potty-trained her. You done messed up.

CHANNING follows AMANDA to her BEDROOM.

CHANNING TATUM

Amanda, we agreed to make this permanent after only two weeks, and against all odds, we've made it work so far. Another two years isn't THAT long in the grand scheme of things, is it?

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Another two years of worrying about you getting sniped or stepping on an IED or catching some poor brown person disease, and also not having my train camp? Yeah, it kind of is!

CHANNING TATUM

But you promised you'd never make me feel bad about myself.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

(rolls eyes)

Okay, fine. At least we can both get something slightly positive out of this.

They exchange VIRGINITIES with less PASSION than normally goes into an exchange of POKEMON CARDS.

CHANNING TATUM

Thank you. That really reassured me. Oh, I've got a new goodbye line now. How's this?

(clears throat)

I will return. I will find you. Love you. Marry you. And live without shame.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

(under breath)

Maybe this isn't the worst thing...

CHANNING TATUM

Huh?

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Nothing. Later.

EXT. THE NEXT FEW MONTHS

CHANNING ships off to WAR while AMANDA returns once again to COLLEGE.

CHANNING TATUM

"Dear Amanda: Just to make you feel a little better, I drew a picture of train camp. Here's you, here's me, here's a train, and here's the sun. Hang it on your mini fridge. Love, Channing."

AMANDA SEYFRIED

(silent)

CHANNING TATUM

"Dear Amanda: Everything okay? You didn't like the drawing? I thought putting sunglasses on the sun was funny because it's bright. I can draw a different one. Love, Channing."

AMANDA SEYFRIED

(silent)

CHANNING TATUM

"Dear Amanda: Okay, now I'm starting to feel bad. Please write SOMETHING. Write out the lyrics to a Creed song for all I care. Just so I know you're paying attention. Love, Channing."

AMANDA SEYFRIED

"Dear Channing... Honestly, I can just stop there. Anyone with a cursory knowledge of American history could see this coming from the title. Nice knowing you. P.S. Okay, I changed my mind. I'm marrying some other guy. There, how do you like that?"

CHANNING TATUM

CHANNING SMAAAAAAAASH!!!

He tacks up all her LETTERS and pumps a great deal of MACHINE-GUN FIRE into them.

CAPT. KEITH D. ROBINSON

Hey, hey, HEY! Now we did NOT stockpile all this good ammo for YOUR romantic failures, Tatum! Get your ass back out there and de-towel some heads for America!

CHANNING TATUM

Yessir. Take that, you treacherous bitch!

(shoots YOUNG FEMALE CIVILIAN)

And that, you doddering fart!

(shoots ELDERLY MALE CIVILIAN)

And that, all my hopes for the future!

(shoots RAILROAD UNDER CONSTRUCTION)

CAPT. KEITH D. ROBINSON

Oookay, that'll do. Go home and take a break before you make the rest of us look worse.

CHANNING TATUM

But, sir, there's nothing left on the other side of War for me. Don't you need guys around here to keep shooting until we decide we've done enough for this godforsaken failed state?

CAPT. KEITH D. ROBINSON

Yes, but I'd rather have guys shooting in uncut cold blood instead of vicarious revenge, so get the hell out of here.

INT. AMERICAN HOSPITAL

CHANNING visits a post-stroke RICHARD.

CHANNING TATUM

Hey, Pop. Look what I've got for you.

(puts the striped conductor's cap on RICHARD's head)

RICHARD JENKINS

(smiles through his breathing tube)

CHANNING TATUM

That's nice, right? You remember that song we used to sing together? Do-do-do-do-do, do-do, PEEP PEEP, do-do-do-do-do, do-do, PEEP PEEP...

RICHARD JENKINS

(hoarsely)

Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-DAAAAHHHH...

CHANNING/RICHARD

Dah-dah-dah-daaahhh... dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah, yah-dah-dah-dah-dah, dah...

NURSE #1

(whispers)

Is that the Thomas the Tank Engine theme?

NURSE #2

(whispers back)

That would explain why he woke up speaking with a Liverpool accent.

CHANNING TATUM

...dah-dah-dah, dah, dah-dah-dah, dah-dah, dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah! BUPP!

RICHARD JENKINS

(cries single tear)

CHANNING TATUM

(sniffles)

For all the confusion and delay you've caused, you've always been a Really Useful Father.

RICHARD JENKINS

(dies in peace)

CHANNING TATUM

Well, that got done. Back to the person who really matters.

EXT. AMANDA'S PROPERTY

CHANNING drops by.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

You know, given how the breakup went down, I hoped we'd be the kind of exes who can avoid ever speaking again.

CHANNING TATUM

Please. You know who wrote this story. Getting brutally dumped is just a temporary setback. Anyway, my dad's dead.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Oh my gosh!

(claps hands to mouth, offering a long unhindered view of her left hand)

CHANNING TATUM

Jesus, what is that, 20 carats? I guess Scott did well for himself.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Scott? God, no, I didn't marry him. He actually moved to Texas to devote his life to football, which I'm sure will work out great for him. I married the 14-years-older single dad I've known since I was an infant.

HENRY THOMAS

(waves from couch)

CHANNING TATUM

WOW. Okay. That's weird.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

What, did you expect me to marry some random goober who hadn't entered the narrative yet? Only women with broad horizons do that.

CHANNING TATUM

Yeah, but... well, look at this guy! He's not bad, exactly, but he's skinny and bearded and slightly long-haired and--

HENRY THOMAS

Look, can we be real here? I'm Henry fucking Thomas. You know, the E.T. kid? The one who was acting your ass into the ground while you were but a mere twinkle in the eyes of your mother and a 16-pound pork shoulder? You never stood a chance. You shouldn't even have bothered.

CHANNING TATUM

Oh.

HENRY THOMAS

At least, that's what I thought until I was diagnosed with can--

CHANNING TATUM

YES!!!

AMANDA/HENRY

(lift eyebrows)

CHANNING TATUM

Uh, I mean, I know you'll kick that tumor's ass, buddy.

HENRY THOMAS

Afraid not. I have no insurance, crowdfunding isn't a thing yet, and the tumor metastasized to my dick last month. I'm a goner unless someone can buy me a pill that the FDA won't even touch.

CHANNING TATUM

Well, don't look at me. Even if I had anything of value to my name, I wouldn't use a dime of it to help the guy who swooped in on my girl just to get free babysitting for Luke and the value of her parents' plantation house.

HENRY THOMAS

AND the way she looks in a sheer white blouse.

CHANNING TATUM

Yeah, twist the knife, why don't you?

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Channing, we're only holding out for the 0.5% chance that this pill will be worth anything. In all likelihood it'll buy us another month or two of agonizing pain, then he'll be out of the picture and I'll be yours for the taking.

CHANNING TATUM

And... you're okay with that, Henry?

HENRY THOMAS

Another month or two of mostly guilt-free handjobs? Better believe it.

CHANNING TATUM

All right, I'll think of something.

(turns to leave)

AMANDA SEYFRIED

Wait, isn't this the part where you try any line more passionate than "I'll see you soon then" and fail?

CHANNING TATUM

Oh, yeah. Hang on.

(clears throat)

"You are a part of my life. You are everything. I could not go on without you, Lisa."

AMANDA SEYFRIED

(tears up)

You haven't changed a bit.

INT. CHARLESTON

CHANNING brings RICHARD's train collection to a HOBBY SHOP.

CHANNING TATUM

I've got all the rarest ones in here. The 1994 Troublesome Breakvan, Sir Topham Hatt's blue car, an Old Knapford Express Coach...

HOBBY SHOP GUY

(examines one)

Oh, this alone could fetch you a bundle.

CHANNING TATUM

(snatches it back)

Not that one! This limited-edition sad-face Henry was Pop's favorite, and I will NOT let you or anyone else ruin his lovely green paint with red stripes!

He earns enough to keep the human HENRY alive for ANOTHER MONTH OR TWO.

AMANDA SEYFRIED

And now he's dead. Wanna have S-E-X?

CHANNING TATUM

You know, when you actually read the books, it's amazing how often Sparks counts some other guy's death as a happy ending.

END