FADE IN:

EXT. BENJAMIN WALKER'S BACKYARD

BENJAMIN is having a BARBECUE with his friends who are ACTUAL MINORITIES, HOLY CRAP.

BENJAMIN WALKER

(voiceover)

Pay attention, audience: Life is about choices. I'm telling you this as if you hadn't already figured it out from every other movie Sparks has ever made. Now tell him how thoughtful and romantic he is while he holds out some of your own money for you to blow your nose in.

His on-and-off slampiece, ALEXANDRA DADDARIO, brings him a FROSTY BEVERAGE.

BENJAMIN WALKER

Thanks for the brew, darlin'. But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you.

ALEXANDRA DADDARIO

You don't appreciate that a Maxim Hot 100 alumnus is bringing you frosty beverages?

BENJAMIN WALKER

Not even a little.

ALEXANDRA DADDARIO

I accept this without question.

(poof)

The NOISE of the barbecue annoys TERESA PALMER, who lives next door.

TERESA PALMER

How dare that guy barbecue with his friends in the backyard of his coastal North Carolina home on a beautiful summer day? Doesn't he know I have a medical textbook to read while listening to classical music?

She marches over to confront BENJAMIN.

TERESA PALMER

Hey, jackoff, keep a closer eye on your dog. He's been doing a hell of a lot more to my dog's butthole than sniffing it. Also, you're listening to Ram Jam. You're The Worst.

BENJAMIN WALKER

Hello there, little missy. You sure are kinda-cute-maybe-but-not-as-hot-as-Alexandra when you're mad. Frosty beverage?

TERESA PALMER

This is NOT OVER.

She storms off. BENJAMIN's sister, MAGGIE GRACE, joins him.

MAGGIE GRACE

She's right, you know. I can tell from your confused expression alone that you're totally going to get married and make all the babies.

BENJAMIN WALKER

Seriously? She just responded to my Southern good ol' boy charm with Meg Ryan-level spastic rage. She's as worth marrying as a sample of Ebola.

MAGGIE GRACE

Don't worry. Soon you'll break through to the sweet, sensitive woman she is. Using your penis.

INT. VETERINARY CLINIC

TERESA enters with her knocked-up DOG to find the vet is BENJAMIN!

BENJAMIN WALKER

I love animals and I just pulled a fast one on a little girl with a dead pet lizard to avoid breaking her heart. There's no way you can hate me now.

TERESA PALMER

Oh, yes, I can. Your face is lopsided and you have a less convincing southern accent than Jessica Simpson. Plus I'm dating Dr. Tom Welling and our relationship is basically perfect.

DR. TOM WELLING just STANDS THERE and LOOKS HANDSOME before going off on a weeks-long BUSINESS TRIP. BENJAMIN and his FRIENDS continue their FROLICKING and TERESA decides to join them despite no INCENTIVE to do so. Except a BOAT RIDE, I guess.

MAGGIE GRACE

So, Teresa, you and my brother are totes OTP, right?

TERESA PALMER

Doubt it. He can't be OTP with anyone. I know this because he only owns one Adirondack chair and that tells me everything about him.

MAGGIE GRACE

Again with a chair motif? Didn't "Like Crazy" put this shit to an end?

INT. TERESA'S HOUSE

TERESA and BENJAMIN eat dinner together because PLOT.

BENJAMIN WALKER

So, we've made pseudo-insightful conversation about stars and God and our childhoods. Time to slow-dance on the grass!

TERESA PALMER

Must we?

BENJAMIN WALKER

We must. It's in the manual.

TERESA PALMER

It can wait. My dining table won't stress-test itself.

They bone make SWEET ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME LOVE. The next day, BENJAMIN makes BREAKFAST while TERESA listens to a VOICEMAIL from... wait, what was HIS NAME again?

DR. WHAT'S-HIS-NUTS

(on voicemail)

Good morning, future Mrs. Dr. Superman. Just wanted to remind you that I am madly in love with you for some reason. Also, that I exist.

TERESA pretends otherwise while she and BENJAMIN continue seeing each other, to the point that he buys ANOTHER ADIRONDACK CHAIR!

BENJAMIN WALKER

Now that I'm experiencing actual feelings toward a vagina, I must row you to my special star-gazing spot.

TERESA PALMER

Oh, but I'm so conflicted! Should I CHOOSE the handsome guy who treats me well and has an honorable job? Or should I CHOOSE the handsome guy who treats me well and has an honorable job? This CHOICE would be so much easier to make if one of you were charmingly poor.

BENJAMIN WALKER

Ahem. Special star-gazing spot.

TERESA PALMER

Come on, even Sparks knows that'll never be a factor for any woman in real –

NICHOLAS SPARKS

SHUT IT TERESA

EXT. THE ONLY SEAFOOD SHACK NICHOLAS SPARKS KNOWS

BENJAMIN shows up while TERESA and DR. PERMANENT-BLUE-STEEL-FACE are eating dinner with TERESA'S PARENTS.

BENJAMIN WALKER

Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. Palmer. I'm a fucktoy FRIEND of Teresa's. It's been a pleasure getting to nail KNOW your daughter. Please don't let me intercourse INTERRUPT your meal. I hear the TUNA is delicious.

He storms off. TERESA follows him.

TERESA PALMER

Benjamin, what the hell is wrong with you? You're acting all jealous and weird and I can't possibly imagine why!

BENJAMIN WALKER

Well, gee, maybe it's the fact that you're still pretending to give a flying hot shit about Dr. Smallville-Killed-My-Career after spending the past three weeks using my dick as a substitute Adirondack chair!

TERESA PALMER

...BESIDES THAT!

EXT. BENJAMIN'S BACKYARD

ALEXANDRA brings BENJAMIN a FROSTY BEVERAGE.

ALEXANDRA DADDARIO

You wish Teresa was bringing you frosty beverages instead of me despite my hotness and inexplicable devotion, don't you?

BENJAMIN WALKER

Yup.

ALEXANDRA DADDARIO

I accept this without question.

(poof)

BENJAMIN'S DOG walks over to him bearing a NOTE from TERESA.

TERESA PALMER

"Dear Benjamin: Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's a note explaining how I dumped Dr. Cries-Himself-to-Sleep-in-Superman-PJs because life is all about CHOICE if you see what I did thar, so drive across the state line to my parents' house and propose to me in front of them, maybe."

He does THAT VERY THING. They get married and produce TWO DAUGHTERS because the GENE POOL isn't contaminated with enough STUPID already.

INT. SEVEN YEARS LATER

BENJAMIN is finishing the day's work.

BENJAMIN WALKER

Welp, off to meet my loving wife for a romantic dinner. Only the noblest of interruptions could stop me. Like saving a dying cat.

SOME LADY

SAVE MY DYING CAT!

BENJAMIN WALKER

...You know, it sounds a lot less noble when you say it out loud.

TERESA waits around like an IDIOT before she gives up and drives off in the RAIN. Suddenly, she gets slammed by CANCER ANOTHER CAR!

BENJAMIN WALKER

Why did I CHOOSE to save that cat? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!

INT. HOSPITAL

BENJAMIN meets with DR. HEY-EVERYONE-LET'S-SIGN-A-PETITION-FOR-A-SMALLVILLE-MOVIE, who is TERESA's doctor and did not exercise the CHOICE to recuse himself from that AWKWARDNESS.

DR. OKAY-HOW-ABOUT-WE-GET-DC-TO-DO-THE-REIGN-OF-SUPERMAN-STORYLINE-AND-I-PLAY-SUPERBOY

Benjamin, Teresa's been comatose for months now. We need to advance the plot before the audience relates to her too much. You have a CHOICE: dead, or perpetually might-as-well-be-dead.

BENJAMIN WALKER

Uhhhhhhh...

DR. ARE-YOU-FUCKING-SERIOUS-SUPERGIRL-IS-ON-THE-CW-NOW-AND-I'M-NOT-IN-IT-WHY-DO-YOU-HATE-ME-GOD

And by the way, she CHOSE to write a will, and it says she CHOOSES dead. So here's the CHOICE on top of the CHOICE: respect your wife's decisions about her own medical care and do what herein is valid and binding, or pull a Schiavo and make everyone hate you. CHOOSE wisely. And right now.

BENJAMIN WALKER

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

But then TERESA miraculously awakens in PERFECT HEALTH!

TERESA PALMER

What the fuck? I thought this movie was about that important decision Benjamin had to make! Now he doesn't even have to make it? What a cop-out!

NICHOLAS SPARKS

Oh, Teresa, don't you worry your pretty little head about that. Life isn't actually about choice. It's about profiting off the wishes and dreams of women who should know better.

BENJAMIN WALKER

No wonder your wife CHOSE to dump your ass.

END