"Don't worry Emilia, people will only remember this as the movie where a man had to spend two hours averting his eyes away from your chest."

ME BEFORE YOU

The Patron-Exclusive Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. SAM CAFLIN'S SEXY SWANKY SWINGING LIFE

SAM CAFLIN

I am wealthy, powerful, handsome, and I am having sex with a lady! Life's so good!

SAM gets hit by a motorbike.

INT. CAFE

EMILIA CLARKE

I dress like a giant cupcake and serve elderly people lunch in a quaint cafe! I am kind, cheerful and quirky! Life's so mediocre!

EMILIA gets fired.

INT. EMILIA'S HOUSE

EMILIA'S parents, SAMANTHA SPIRO and BRANDON COYLE, are talking about EMILIA'S unemployment.

SAMANTHA SPIRO

Goddammit we really needed that money.

BRANDON COYLE

Plus Emilia has no skills except for catering to old people in a cafe.

EMILIA CLARKE

I'm in the room you know. Not that I'd have much of a choice otherwise because holy shit this house is small. How many people live here by the way?

SAMANTHA SPIRO

Six. Six people live here and we all count on you to bring home the paycheck. Including your sister and her son whom you are also responsible for providing for for some reason.

EMILIA CLARKE

I better get to job hunting!

EMILIA goes to the JOB GETTING OFFICE where they list off all of the things she CANNOT DO. A job immediately comes up requesting an employee who has NO SKILLS.

INT. CASTLE BESIDE ANOTHER CASTLE

JANET MCTEER is SAM CAFLIN'S MOTHER and is interviewing EMILIA to be his carer.

JANET MCTEER

Do you have any caregiving skills at all?

EMILIA CLARKE

Uh, lady. You're the one who advertised this position with no required skills. So no, I don't. I can make tea.

JANET MCTEER

Perfect. You're hired. Let's go meet Sam.

They walk into the annex where SAM lives. He pretends to have a mental disability to freak out EMILIA because EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE is this movie's version of comedy relief.

SAM CAFLIN

When I'm not making misguided jokes, I'm pretty much just grumpy because I can't use my arms and legs. I feel like there are more personal intricacies that could be explored about my character but this movie isn't going to explore those. So... grumpiness.

NURSE STPEHEN PEACOCKE

I'm Sam's nurse. Here is a complete binder detailing all of Sam's medical needs and medications. Please read it carefully.

EMILIA CLARKE

I will do this.

She does not do this. She does however have a montage of wearing kindergarten as an outfit and making clumsy entrances into SAM'S room. Later, they go the doctor.

Ah ah ah, you didn't say the magic word

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