FADE IN:

EXT. MOROCCO

Novelist LAURA DERN arrives at RACHIDA BRAKNI's posh mountain resort.

LAURA DERN

Rachida, thanks so much for having me! Listen, I know I'm part of a whole group of writers you invited here to eat and drink and blow smoke up each other's asses, but I really need to lock myself in my room and shit out my next novel before deadline. Can I just be left alone and have stuff brought to me?

RACHIDA BRAKNI

Of course. Sure you can. I'll just book you into the Travelodge down the mountain and find you a promo code so you can DoorDash three meals a day. THIS IS A WRITERS' RETREAT, STUPID. AS IN, WRITERS, PLURAL. Maybe you'd have an easier time meeting deadline if you understood basic grammar.

(huffs out muttering about dumbass Americans)

LAURA DERN

Well, that shut her up. Let's begin.

(types)

"When you're traveling in India--especially through holy sites and Ashrams--you see a lot of people wearing..." Wait, no. Start over.

(deletes and types)

"The trees were tall, but I was taller, standing above them on a steep mountain slope in..." Ugh, scratch that.

(deletes and types)

"I am about to buy a house in a foreign country. A house with the beautiful name of..." FUCK!

Downstairs, up-and-coming novelist DIANA SILVERS arrives with her not-writer boyfriend, LIAM HEMSWORTH.

DIANA SILVERS

Oh my God, THE Younès Boucif is here! Along with other such luminaries as THE Adriano Giannini and THE Shosha Goren! I really hope they like me, Liam. I mean, obviously nobody's gonna pronounce my name with a THE yet, but I hope they don't think my first book is 200 pages of derivative piffle that you buy at the airport to pass the time and then leave behind in the waiting area. And it's not that, right, Liam?

LIAM HEMSWORTH

I--

Writers YOUNÈS BOUCIF and ADRIANO GIANNINI and SHOSHA GOREN shower DIANA with adulation for the next SIX HOURS.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

(throws hands up)

Why am I even here? I'm constantly on call for my own unrelated career six time zones away. Whatever excuse we're concocting for me to have joined Diana when everyone else arrived sans partner, it's not good enough. I'd better find some sympathy or I am LEAVING.

He runs into LAURA.

LAURA DERN

Oh. You're a misunderstood younger man rethinking his life choices.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

And you're a vulnerable middle-aged woman facing romantic upheaval.

LAURA DERN

So this is going to be one of those stories.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

With much lamer sex, yes.

LAURA DERN

Not exactly conducive to creativity, but I'm down if you are.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

Whatever.

They enjoy MOROCCAN CULTURE together.

LAURA DERN

Wait, I thought we were both super-busy with projects requiring concentration and silence.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

Yeah, but the tourist destination selected for this movie is still trying to make up for revenue losses from the pandemic, so eat your couscous and deal.

INT. TRIVIA NIGHT

Having written a total of MAYBE THREE WORDS since her arrival, LAURA gives up and joins the other WRITERS.

SHOSHA GOREN

(opens slip of paper)

You'll never guess this one! "Who conducted experiments on Lieutenant Tyrone Slothrop's penis when he was an infant?"

ADRIANO GIANNINI

Dr. Laszlo Jamf!

Everyone but LIAM laughs and claps.

DIANA SILVERS

My turn!

(opens slip of paper)

Oh, this is good: "To which fractal triangle did David Foster Wallace compare the narrative structure of Infinite Jest?"

LAURA DERN

A Sierpinski gasket!

Everyone but LIAM laughs and claps.

YOUNÈS BOUCIF

Now me! And this time I want Liam to answer!

(opens slip of paper)

Well, no way you'll miss this: "Who does Mephistopheles represent?"

LIAM HEMSWORTH

(blinks)

DIANA SILVERS

(coughs)

Come ON, babe. Mephistopheles.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

I give up.

YOUNÈS BOUCIF

Well, guess. Claims souls, has magic powers, decides where the dead go. Who else is it gonna be?

LIAM HEMSWORTH

...Jesus?

DIANA SILVERS

(visibly shrinks in embarrassment)

YOUNÈS BOUCIF

Wow, this guy is REALLY bad at books. Diana, why are you even with someone who's bad at books?

LIAM HEMSWORTH

(stands up)

You know, maybe you're right. Maybe I am bad at books. But you know what I'm good at? Money. And I'll still be good at money when Diana hits her sophomore slump and finds me useful again. So here's a literary reference I do get: "The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote: Stink! Stank! STUNK!"

(storms off)

YOUNÈS BOUCIF

(calling after him)

They only wrote that for the animated special, you pleb!

Worried, LAURA follows LIAM outside.

LAURA DERN

Look, this happens sometimes. One person in a relationship gets really good at books, and the other person starts hating and resenting them for it because they're not good at books. That's what's happening with me and my jerkoff ex right now. Honestly, I should sympathize with Diana instead of you.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

But I'm a Hemsworth, and I'm probably going to be single soon, which means I can give you something she can't. Except that day her advance came through, when she made me take it from a--never mind. The point is, can we make out now?

LAURA DERN

No. We haven't decided to disregard our age gap yet.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

Can we disregard it now?

LAURA DERN

Wait until it wouldn't technically be cheating.

EXT. THE NEXT MORNING

DIANA finds LIAM.

DIANA SILVERS

You know, I've given this a lot of thought, and it was a mistake for me to invite you here. This trip only underscores how incompatible we've always been and how silly I was to keep ignoring that. You should go home and do your money stuff while I enjoy my ascending career with people who appreciate it.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

You mean it wouldn't technically be cheating if, say, one of us wanted to hook up with someone else on this trip?

DIANA SILVERS

(blushes)

LIAM HEMSWORTH

(sighs)

Which one?

DIANA SILVERS

Younès.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

The one who looks like Sammy Davis Jr. if he joined the chess club?

DIANA SILVERS

If that doesn't prove how not my type you are, I don't know what will. Have a nice life.

LIAM shrugs and goes off with LAURA to enjoy approximately 15 SECONDS of HALF-CLOTHED SEX.

LAURA DERN

That was it? Isn't seeing a middle-aged woman get railed by a hot younger guy the whole point of movies like this?

LIAM HEMSWORTH

I've been going through this entire film like I'm just getting over COVID. You were lucky to get those 15 seconds.

LAURA DERN

Well, nobody's given me that much for a while. And it must have been worth it, because I finally figured out what my book's going to be about.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

Which is?

LAURA DERN

A middle-aged woman who gets railed by a hot younger guy and finally figures out what her book's going to be about.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

Huh. Okay. What was it that Diana said about derivative piffle?

But LAURA's laptop gets swiped!

LAURA DERN

(bursts into tears)

NO! That computer had all three words I wrote on it! This is all your fault, Liam!

LIAM HEMSWORTH

What? What did I do? More importantly, why do you bounce up and down like a dolphin when you cry?

LAURA DERN

If you hadn't charmed me with your abs and... well, God knows what else I found attractive about you, I'd still be shut up in my room WORKING on my laptop and meeting my deadline! I should have just taken up Rachida's offer on the Travelodge! And as for the dolphin thing, I'm still acting circles around your monotone ass other than that, so don't you DARE try to school me on conveying emotion!

LIAM HEMSWORTH

Look, I'm sorry all the work you claim to have done is gone, but what about us? I want to be with you forever! You somehow inspired me to quit my soulless private equity job, and I could really use someone new to split the rent!

LAURA DERN

Oh, go stare sullenly at your crotch some more! I'm blowing this couscous stand!

INT. A FEW MONTHS LATER

LAURA sits down for an INTERVIEW about her new BOOK.

INTERVIEWER

So, Laura, are we ever going to learn what you or Diana or Younès or any of those other people actually write in this movie that's all about writers?

LAURA DERN

No, we're not. That would require the screenwriter to do some writing instead of asking ChatGPT to mash up The Idea of You with Adaptation, but boringly.

INTERVIEWER

Good point. In the absence of a sample of your allegedly successful prose, can you tell us what we should take away from all this?

LAURA DERN

British Airways is currently offering round-trip flights to Marrakesh starting at $646.

INTERVIEWER

I meant, uh, morally or emotionally.

LAURA DERN

Right. Let's see... um...

LIAM appears at the back of the room.

LAURA DERN

Oh! I've got it now. Talking to other people can be a good thing sometimes, because they might make a throwaway comment that gives you a title for your next work, which may or may not have anything to do with anything that's been going on. There. That.

She and LIAM happily reunite.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

So, about splitting the rent?

LAURA DERN

You sure you don't want to try making up with Diana? I hear she just got a six-seasons-and-a-movie adaptation deal.

LIAM HEMSWORTH

She also thinks Younès is more fuckable than me.

LAURA DERN

Oh, this is going to be the most effort-free relationship EVER.

END