With every single White House staffer under investigation for strangling the president, nobody thought to question the little girl with the check from the Republican National Committee hidden in her lunch box.

THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT

The Abridged Script

INT. OPENING CREDITS

So many images of PRESIDENTIAL PORTRAITS, MONUMENTS, STATUES, FLAGS, and EAGLES flash by that you might want to make sure you haven't mistakenly put on a GOD'S NOT DEAD SEQUEL.

INT. WHITE HOUSE

PRESIDENT MARTIN SHEEN MICHAEL DOUGLAS and his chief of staff, JOHN SPENCER MARTIN SHEEN, walk.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

I'm a good president, right, Martin?

MARTIN SHEEN

You're an excellent president, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

That wasn't the question, Martin. The adjective I used was "good," Martin. Now let's try again, Martin. I'm a good president, right, Martin?

MARTIN SHEEN

You're a good president, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Well done, Martin.

MARTIN SHEEN

Mr. President?

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Martin?

MARTIN SHEEN

Is this dialogue supposed to be snappy, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

No, Martin. I suspect the person writing it thought he heard the word "snappy" when it was really a different word, Martin.

They're joined by advisor and speechwriter BRADLEY WHITFORD ROB LOWE MICHAEL J. FOX.

MICHAEL J. FOX

You're very popular, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

I certainly am, Michael.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Perhaps you should take advantage of your high popularity to pursue bolder legislation, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Get your head out of your ass, Michael.

MICHAEL J. FOX

I assure you my head lacks the intimate familiarity with my ass that you think it possesses, Mr. President.

They're joined by press secretary ALLISON JANNEY ANNA DEAVERE SMITH.

ANNA DEAVERE SMITH

You're not married, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

No, I'm not, Anna.

ANNA DEAVERE SMITH

Your wife died of cancer, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Yes, she did, Anna.

ANNA DEAVERE SMITH

I apologize for bringing that up, Mr. President. It was very unprofessional of me, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Think nothing of it, Anna. Women have always had a habit of taking massive brain farts in my presence and will forever continue to do so, Anna. So, what's next, Martin, Michael, Anna?

MARTIN SHEEN

A weaksauce crime bill, Mr. President.

MICHAEL J. FOX

An even more weaksauce environment bill, Mr. President.

ANNA DEAVERE SMITH

Beating the pants off asshole Republican Governor James Brolin Senator Richard Dreyfuss in the election, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Did you know there are 412 doors in the White House, Martin, Michael, Anna?

MARTIN/MICHAEL/ANNA

Yes, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

And how many of those doors have we walked through during this conversation, Martin, Michael, Anna?

MARTIN/MICHAEL/ANNA

All of them, Mr. Pres--

(walk into three separate flagpoles)

PRESIDENT MICHAEL leaves to walk all over the EXECUTIVE RESIDENCE with his daughter, ELISABETH MOSS SHAWNA WALDRON.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

America is a great country, Shawna.

SHAWNA WALDRON

Yes, Dad.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

You should study its history more seriously, Shawna.

SHAWNA WALDRON

Yes, Dad.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Did you know the first telephone in the White House was installed during the presidency of Rutherford B. Hayes, Shawna?

SHAWNA WALDRON

Yes, Dad.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Now how did you know that, Shawna?

SHAWNA WALDRON

You've mentioned it at least once a day since I was three, Da--

(walks into the state china collection)

INT. MEETING ROOM

Environmental lobbyist MARY-LOUISE PARKER ANNETTE BENING walks up and down the length of the room with MARTIN.

ANNETTE BENING

This environment bill is fucking weaksauce, Martin.

MARTIN SHEEN

It is, Annette.

ANNETTE BENING

But you're telling me it has to be weaksauce so you can get the votes of those motherfuckers in Congress, Martin.

MARTIN SHEEN

That's politics, Annette.

ANNETTE BENING

I have a master's degree in public administration from the Kennedy School of Government, Martin. I scored 795 on the SAT verbal, Martin. I was the legislative affairs director for Americans Against Pineapple Pizza, Martin. I understand politics extremely well, and I say fuck those motherfuckers in Congress, and if your fucking president isn't ready to grow some fucking balls and save the fucking planet, then he can go fuck himself with a fucking oil derrick, Martin.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

(enters)

I like your fucking spunk, Annette.

ANNETTE BENING

(walks into the wall)

OH I mean UH I didn't UM so sorry URK my mistake ACK totally unacceptable, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Did you know the Oval Office is mostly used for meetings and the president does actual work in an adjacent study, Annette?

ANNETTE BENING

No, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Aren't you an experienced and feared Washington insider who can make anyone in politics do your clients' bidding, Annette?

ANNETTE BENING

Who told you that, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

The script told me that, Annette.

ANNETTE BENING

I see, Mr. President. Under normal circumstances, I would be, but I'm so awestruck by the grandeur of the Oval Office and the historical and symbolic weight of your title that I find myself acting like an ignorant spaz, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

I find that profoundly attractive, Annette. Will you accompany me to an official event with foreign dignitaries and photographers and Sen. Richard Dreyfuss, Annette?

ANNETTE BENING

Are you asking me on a date, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Yes, Annette.

ANNETTE BENING

Would that not imply to the aforementioned foreign dignitaries and photographers and Sen. Richard Dreyfuss that we may later engage in coitus, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

I do hope coitus will ensue, Annette.

ANNETTE BENING

As do I, Mr. Pres--

(walks into the Resolute Desk)

INT. WHITE HOUSE STATE DINING ROOM

SEN. RICHARD DREYFUSS walks in.

REPORTER

Senator Dreyfuss, wasn't it bipartisan of President Douglas to invite you tonight, Senator Dreyfuss?

SEN. RICHARD DREYFUSS

Admirably so, Reporter.

REPORTER

And wasn't it prescient of Mr. Reiner to cast you as basically Dick Cheney so many years before Mr. Stone cast you as actually Dick Cheney, Sen. Dreyfuss?

SEN. RICHARD DREYFUSS

I couldn't agree more, Rep--

(walks into an elaborate tray of hors d'oeuvres)

PRESIDENT MICHAEL and ANNETTE walk in.

EVERYONE IN THE ROOM

WE ALL JUST SHAT OUR PANTS AT THE SIGHT OF THIS, MR. PRESIDENT!

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

The sight of what, everyone in the room?

EVERYONE IN THE ROOM

YOU, AN UNMARRIED MAN, IN THE COMPANY OF AN EQUALLY UNMARRIED WOMAN, MR. PRESIDENT!

SEN. RICHARD DREYFUSS

(wipes salmon mousse off his jacket)

I take it you and this unmarried woman will be engaging in coitus, Mr. President? She is, after all, wearing a blue dress, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

I don't think my sex life is anyone's business but mine and that of my partner, everyone in the room and Sen. Dreyfuss.

EVERYONE IN THE ROOM

BOY, IS THIS GOING TO SOUND HILARIOUS TWO YEARS FROM NOW, MR. PRES--

(walk through various full-length windows)

INT. THE OFFICIAL PRESIDENTIAL SHAG PAD

PRESIDENT MICHAEL and ANNETTE walk all over the HOUSE and fuck at the same time SOMEHOW.

ANNETTE BENING

Our relationship is making the public disapprove of you, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

I'm not interested in the public's opinion, Annette.

ANNETTE BENING

You were when they approved of you, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

That was before I set my eyes on your weed-whacked haircut and brown pantsuits, Annette.

ANNETTE BENING

Does that mean you'll strengthen that environment bill for me, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Sure, Annette.

ANNETTE BENING

Even if you have to give up votes for the crime bill to do it, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

...Sure, Annette.

ANNETTE BENING

You're doing that thing, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

What thing, Annette?

ANNETTE BENING

That thing where you begin your sentences with an ellipse, indicating that you might be lying your ass off, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

...I'm not lying, Annette.

ANNETTE BENING

I believe you, Mr. President. I'm now thoroughly convinced that you're committed to solving both global warming and crime and would never give up on either just to appease Congress, Mr. President. But if you had to, you'd give up on solving crime first out of love for me, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

...Did you know the official name of Camp David is actually Naval Support Facility Thur--

(fuck-walks them both into a storage closet)

INT. OVAL OFFICE

PRESIDENT MICHAEL, MARTIN, and MICHAEL walk laps around the perimeter of the ROOM.

MARTIN SHEEN

Three members of Congress hate the less-weaksauce environment bill and will pull support for the crime bill unless you restore the environment bill's original weaksauce, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

But that would make my girlfriend sad, Martin.

MARTIN SHEEN

Irrelevant, Mr. President. The public is so incensed at the thought of you having consensual sex with a woman your own age and not in your employment that they want to puke, Mr. President.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Can I just point out, Mr. President, that it might be the right thing to do to remove the weaksauce from both bills whether they get votes or not, Mr. President? I'm sure a sufficiently strident speech would make up for that, Mr. President.

MARTIN SHEEN

We've been over this, Michael. One moment of clever writing can't upend the entire nature of American politics, Michael.

MICHAEL J. FOX

It can, Martin.

MARTIN SHEEN

It can't, Michael.

MICHAEL J. FOX

It can, Martin.

MARTIN SHEEN

It can't, Michael.

MICHAEL J. FOX

It can, Martin.

MARTIN SHEEN

It can't, Michael.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

SHUT THE HELL UP MARTIN AND MICHAEL. This isn't about getting votes, Martin, nor is it about doing what's right, Michael. This is about my continued access to weed-whacked ginger pussy, Martin and Michael.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Well, at least you're committed to something, Mr. President.

They're joined by ANNA and pollster MARLEE MATLIN DAVID PAYMER.

DAVID PAYMER

The latest flash poll indicates the public is so incensed at the thought of you having consensual sex with a woman your own age and not in your employment that they want to puke, Mr. President.

ANNA DEAVERE SMITH

Also Sen. Dreyfuss says she's a radical left-wing feminazi ballbreaker who hates America and loves Communism, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Got it, David and Anna. Both bills will be weaksauce, Martin and Michael.

MICHAEL J. FOX

It's very disappointing to see you refuse to stand up for focus-tested center-left Democratic Party orthodoxy, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Did you know the Democratic Party originally opposed the creation of a national bank, Michael, Martin, Anna, and David?

MICHAEL/MARTIN/ANNA/DAVID

Knock it off, Mr. Pres--

(faint from dizziness)

The bad news reaches ANNETTE, who walks 1.5 MILES to the WHITE HOUSE, barreling into THREE ANTI-GLOBALIZATION PROTESTS and FIVE APOCALYPTIC PREACHERS on the way.

ANNETTE BENING

You promised me you wouldn't re-weaksauce the environment bill, Mr. President!

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

I had no choice, Annette.

ANNETTE BENING

Why not, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Because I need to pass the crime bill or nobody will ever call me "Mr. President" again, Annette.

ANNETTE BENING

Yes, they will, Mr. President. It's the convention to refer to former presidents as "Mr. President," Mr. President.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

It just wouldn't be the same, Annette.

ANNETTE BENING

Well, I and my organization are going to find ourselves a REAL president, Mr. President! Someone who would never refuse to stand up for focus-tested center-left Democratic Party orthodoxy, Mr. President! Someone aggressively competent and honest with a deep and abiding love of the American political tradition, Mr. President! Someone with a charmingly dad-like sense of humor and classic good looks in the mold of Kirk Douglas, Mr. President!

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

You mean the sort of man who wouldn't have a hope in hell of being elected president in real life, Annette?

ANNETTE BENING

Yes, that sort of man, Mr. Pres--

(walks out of his life)

INT. WHITE HOUSE CORRIDOR

MICHAEL walks a step behind PRESIDENT MICHAEL, who is walking toward the PRESS ROOM.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Where are you going, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

I've decided you were right all along, Michael. One moment of clever writing CAN upend the entire nature of American politics, Michael. Therefore I'm going to go stand up for focus-tested center-left Democratic Party orthodoxy, Michael.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Because it's the right thing to do, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Because Annette dumped me, Michael.

MICHAEL J. FOX

You realize this speech will conflict with tonight's State of the Union address that I've spent months writing without food or sleep or sunlight, Mr. President?

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Yes, Michael. But you can rewrite it within the hour, can't you, Michael?

MICHAEL J. FOX

Yes, sir, Mr. President! But what about this speech, Mr. President? I haven't prepared anything for you, Mr. President.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

No need, Michael. I'm so fired up that I can improvise a superb speech inspired by the greatest orators of our time, Michael.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Good luck and godspeed, Mr. Pres-

(walks right off the Truman Balcony somehow even though it's on a different floor and accessed via the Yellow Oval Room in the Residence oh God now I'm doing it too)

PRESIDENT MICHAEL takes the PODIUM.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

Ladies and gentlemen, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth, but what we've got here is a failure to communicate. I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore.

(string section swells)

Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life, but I’m still willin' to fight and die for that inch. I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next...

(brass section swells)

...and you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee. By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you dine in hell. So when you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend's face...

(marching snare drums beat string and brass sections to death)

...you'll want me on that wall, and you'll win one for the Gipper, because Ducks fly together. They may take our lives, but we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards our Independence Day.

(pauses)

Also we're gonna take away your cars and guns and Sen. Dreyfuss cries after he fucks so I don't care what you think, America.

The entire PRESS CORPS, all the STAFFERS, all the VIEWERS at home, every FOREIGN HEAD OF STATE AROUND THE WORLD, and the ghosts of THOMAS JEFFERSON and FDR slow-clap and sob with PRIDE. PRESIDENT MICHAEL goes on to solve GLOBAL WARMING and CRIME and win RE-ELECTION with EIGHTY-TWO PERCENT OF THE VOTE. He is succeeded in office by AL GORE, followed by JON HUNTSMAN, followed by PETE BUTTIGIEG, followed at some point later by SHAWNA after she turns 35. PRESIDENT MICHAEL marries ANNETTE and they produce a beautiful and healthy $355 million POLICY INSTITUTE.

PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS

It was a good movie, wasn't it, Martin?

MARTIN SHEEN

All in all, I'd say this movie was a big block of cheese, Mr. President.

END

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