The Abridged Script
INT. OPENING CREDITS
So many images of PRESIDENTIAL PORTRAITS, MONUMENTS, STATUES, FLAGS, and EAGLES flash by that you might want to make sure you haven't mistakenly put on a GOD'S NOT DEAD SEQUEL.
INT. WHITE HOUSE
PRESIDENT MARTIN SHEEN MICHAEL DOUGLAS and his chief of staff, JOHN SPENCER MARTIN SHEEN, walk.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
I'm a good president, right, Martin?
MARTIN SHEEN
You're an excellent president, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
That wasn't the question, Martin. The adjective I used was "good," Martin. Now let's try again, Martin. I'm a good president, right, Martin?
MARTIN SHEEN
You're a good president, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Well done, Martin.
MARTIN SHEEN
Mr. President?
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Martin?
MARTIN SHEEN
Is this dialogue supposed to be snappy, Mr. President?
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
No, Martin. I suspect the person writing it thought he heard the word "snappy" when it was really a different word, Martin.
They're joined by advisor and speechwriter BRADLEY WHITFORD ROB LOWE MICHAEL J. FOX.
MICHAEL J. FOX
You're very popular, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
I certainly am, Michael.
MICHAEL J. FOX
Perhaps you should take advantage of your high popularity to pursue bolder legislation, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Get your head out of your ass, Michael.
MICHAEL J. FOX
I assure you my head lacks the intimate familiarity with my ass that you think it possesses, Mr. President.
They're joined by press secretary ALLISON JANNEY ANNA DEAVERE SMITH.
ANNA DEAVERE SMITH
You're not married, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
No, I'm not, Anna.
ANNA DEAVERE SMITH
Your wife died of cancer, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Yes, she did, Anna.
ANNA DEAVERE SMITH
I apologize for bringing that up, Mr. President. It was very unprofessional of me, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Think nothing of it, Anna. Women have always had a habit of taking massive brain farts in my presence and will forever continue to do so, Anna. So, what's next, Martin, Michael, Anna?
MARTIN SHEEN
A weaksauce crime bill, Mr. President.
MICHAEL J. FOX
An even more weaksauce environment bill, Mr. President.
ANNA DEAVERE SMITH
Beating the pants off asshole Republican Governor James Brolin Senator Richard Dreyfuss in the election, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Did you know there are 412 doors in the White House, Martin, Michael, Anna?
MARTIN/MICHAEL/ANNA
Yes, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
And how many of those doors have we walked through during this conversation, Martin, Michael, Anna?
MARTIN/MICHAEL/ANNA
All of them, Mr. Pres--
(walk into three separate flagpoles)
PRESIDENT MICHAEL leaves to walk all over the EXECUTIVE RESIDENCE with his daughter, ELISABETH MOSS SHAWNA WALDRON.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
America is a great country, Shawna.
SHAWNA WALDRON
Yes, Dad.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
You should study its history more seriously, Shawna.
SHAWNA WALDRON
Yes, Dad.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Did you know the first telephone in the White House was installed during the presidency of Rutherford B. Hayes, Shawna?
SHAWNA WALDRON
Yes, Dad.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Now how did you know that, Shawna?
SHAWNA WALDRON
You've mentioned it at least once a day since I was three, Da--
(walks into the state china collection)
INT. MEETING ROOM
Environmental lobbyist MARY-LOUISE PARKER ANNETTE BENING walks up and down the length of the room with MARTIN.
ANNETTE BENING
This environment bill is fucking weaksauce, Martin.
MARTIN SHEEN
It is, Annette.
ANNETTE BENING
But you're telling me it has to be weaksauce so you can get the votes of those motherfuckers in Congress, Martin.
MARTIN SHEEN
That's politics, Annette.
ANNETTE BENING
I have a master's degree in public administration from the Kennedy School of Government, Martin. I scored 795 on the SAT verbal, Martin. I was the legislative affairs director for Americans Against Pineapple Pizza, Martin. I understand politics extremely well, and I say fuck those motherfuckers in Congress, and if your fucking president isn't ready to grow some fucking balls and save the fucking planet, then he can go fuck himself with a fucking oil derrick, Martin.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
(enters)
I like your fucking spunk, Annette.
ANNETTE BENING
(walks into the wall)
OH I mean UH I didn't UM so sorry URK my mistake ACK totally unacceptable, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Did you know the Oval Office is mostly used for meetings and the president does actual work in an adjacent study, Annette?
ANNETTE BENING
No, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Aren't you an experienced and feared Washington insider who can make anyone in politics do your clients' bidding, Annette?
ANNETTE BENING
Who told you that, Mr. President?
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
The script told me that, Annette.
ANNETTE BENING
I see, Mr. President. Under normal circumstances, I would be, but I'm so awestruck by the grandeur of the Oval Office and the historical and symbolic weight of your title that I find myself acting like an ignorant spaz, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
I find that profoundly attractive, Annette. Will you accompany me to an official event with foreign dignitaries and photographers and Sen. Richard Dreyfuss, Annette?
ANNETTE BENING
Are you asking me on a date, Mr. President?
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Yes, Annette.
ANNETTE BENING
Would that not imply to the aforementioned foreign dignitaries and photographers and Sen. Richard Dreyfuss that we may later engage in coitus, Mr. President?
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
I do hope coitus will ensue, Annette.
ANNETTE BENING
As do I, Mr. Pres--
(walks into the Resolute Desk)
INT. WHITE HOUSE STATE DINING ROOM
SEN. RICHARD DREYFUSS walks in.
REPORTER
Senator Dreyfuss, wasn't it bipartisan of President Douglas to invite you tonight, Senator Dreyfuss?
SEN. RICHARD DREYFUSS
Admirably so, Reporter.
REPORTER
And wasn't it prescient of Mr. Reiner to cast you as basically Dick Cheney so many years before Mr. Stone cast you as actually Dick Cheney, Sen. Dreyfuss?
SEN. RICHARD DREYFUSS
I couldn't agree more, Rep--
(walks into an elaborate tray of hors d'oeuvres)
PRESIDENT MICHAEL and ANNETTE walk in.
EVERYONE IN THE ROOM
WE ALL JUST SHAT OUR PANTS AT THE SIGHT OF THIS, MR. PRESIDENT!
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
The sight of what, everyone in the room?
EVERYONE IN THE ROOM
YOU, AN UNMARRIED MAN, IN THE COMPANY OF AN EQUALLY UNMARRIED WOMAN, MR. PRESIDENT!
SEN. RICHARD DREYFUSS
(wipes salmon mousse off his jacket)
I take it you and this unmarried woman will be engaging in coitus, Mr. President? She is, after all, wearing a blue dress, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
I don't think my sex life is anyone's business but mine and that of my partner, everyone in the room and Sen. Dreyfuss.
EVERYONE IN THE ROOM
BOY, IS THIS GOING TO SOUND HILARIOUS TWO YEARS FROM NOW, MR. PRES--
(walk through various full-length windows)
INT. THE OFFICIAL PRESIDENTIAL SHAG PAD
PRESIDENT MICHAEL and ANNETTE walk all over the HOUSE and fuck at the same time SOMEHOW.
ANNETTE BENING
Our relationship is making the public disapprove of you, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
I'm not interested in the public's opinion, Annette.
ANNETTE BENING
You were when they approved of you, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
That was before I set my eyes on your weed-whacked haircut and brown pantsuits, Annette.
ANNETTE BENING
Does that mean you'll strengthen that environment bill for me, Mr. President?
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Sure, Annette.
ANNETTE BENING
Even if you have to give up votes for the crime bill to do it, Mr. President?
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
...Sure, Annette.
ANNETTE BENING
You're doing that thing, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
What thing, Annette?
ANNETTE BENING
That thing where you begin your sentences with an ellipsis, indicating that you might be lying your ass off, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
...I'm not lying, Annette.
ANNETTE BENING
I believe you, Mr. President. I'm now thoroughly convinced that you're committed to solving both global warming and crime and would never give up on either just to appease Congress, Mr. President. But if you had to, you'd give up on solving crime first out of love for me, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
...Did you know the official name of Camp David is actually Naval Support Facility Thur--
(fuck-walks them both into a storage closet)
INT. OVAL OFFICE
PRESIDENT MICHAEL, MARTIN, and MICHAEL walk laps around the perimeter of the ROOM.
MARTIN SHEEN
Three members of Congress hate the less-weaksauce environment bill and will pull support for the crime bill unless you restore the environment bill's original weaksauce, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
But that would make my girlfriend sad, Martin.
MARTIN SHEEN
Irrelevant, Mr. President. The public is so incensed at the thought of you having consensual sex with a woman your own age and not in your employment that they want to puke, Mr. President.
MICHAEL J. FOX
Can I just point out, Mr. President, that it might be the right thing to do to remove the weaksauce from both bills whether they get votes or not, Mr. President? I'm sure a sufficiently strident speech would make up for that, Mr. President.
MARTIN SHEEN
We've been over this, Michael. One moment of clever writing can't upend the entire nature of American politics, Michael.
MICHAEL J. FOX
It can, Martin.
MARTIN SHEEN
It can't, Michael.
MICHAEL J. FOX
It can, Martin.
MARTIN SHEEN
It can't, Michael.
MICHAEL J. FOX
It can, Martin.
MARTIN SHEEN
It can't, Michael.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
SHUT THE HELL UP MARTIN AND MICHAEL. This isn't about getting votes, Martin, nor is it about doing what's right, Michael. This is about my continued access to weed-whacked ginger pussy, Martin and Michael.
MICHAEL J. FOX
Well, at least you're committed to something, Mr. President.
They're joined by ANNA and pollster MARLEE MATLIN DAVID PAYMER.
DAVID PAYMER
The latest flash poll indicates the public is so incensed at the thought of you having consensual sex with a woman your own age and not in your employment that they want to puke, Mr. President.
ANNA DEAVERE SMITH
Also Sen. Dreyfuss says she's a radical left-wing feminazi ballbreaker who hates America and loves Communism, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Got it, David and Anna. Both bills will be weaksauce, Martin and Michael.
MICHAEL J. FOX
It's very disappointing to see you refuse to stand up for focus-tested center-left Democratic Party orthodoxy, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Did you know the Democratic Party originally opposed the creation of a national bank, Michael, Martin, Anna, and David?
MICHAEL/MARTIN/ANNA/DAVID
Knock it off, Mr. Pres--
(faint from dizziness)
The bad news reaches ANNETTE, who walks 1.5 MILES to the WHITE HOUSE, barreling into THREE ANTI-GLOBALIZATION PROTESTS and FIVE APOCALYPTIC PREACHERS on the way.
ANNETTE BENING
You promised me you wouldn't re-weaksauce the environment bill, Mr. President!
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
I had no choice, Annette.
ANNETTE BENING
Why not, Mr. President?
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Because I need to pass the crime bill or nobody will ever call me "Mr. President" again, Annette.
ANNETTE BENING
Yes, they will, Mr. President. It's the convention to refer to former presidents as "Mr. President," Mr. President.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
It just wouldn't be the same, Annette.
ANNETTE BENING
Well, I and my organization are going to find ourselves a REAL president, Mr. President! Someone who would never refuse to stand up for focus-tested center-left Democratic Party orthodoxy, Mr. President! Someone aggressively competent and honest with a deep and abiding love of the American political tradition, Mr. President! Someone with a charmingly dad-like sense of humor and classic good looks in the mold of Kirk Douglas, Mr. President!
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
You mean the sort of man who wouldn't have a hope in hell of being elected president in real life, Annette?
ANNETTE BENING
Yes, that sort of man, Mr. Pres--
(walks out of his life)
INT. WHITE HOUSE CORRIDOR
MICHAEL walks a step behind PRESIDENT MICHAEL, who is walking toward the PRESS ROOM.
MICHAEL J. FOX
Where are you going, Mr. President?
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
I've decided you were right all along, Michael. One moment of clever writing CAN upend the entire nature of American politics, Michael. Therefore I'm going to go stand up for focus-tested center-left Democratic Party orthodoxy, Michael.
MICHAEL J. FOX
Because it's the right thing to do, Mr. President?
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Because Annette dumped me, Michael.
MICHAEL J. FOX
You realize this speech will conflict with tonight's State of the Union address that I've spent months writing without food or sleep or sunlight, Mr. President?
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Yes, Michael. But you can rewrite it within the hour, can't you, Michael?
MICHAEL J. FOX
Yes, sir, Mr. President! But what about this speech, Mr. President? I haven't prepared anything for you, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
No need, Michael. I'm so fired up that I can improvise a superb speech inspired by the greatest orators of our time, Michael.
MICHAEL J. FOX
Good luck and godspeed, Mr. Pres-
(walks right off the Truman Balcony somehow even though it's on a different floor and accessed via the Yellow Oval Room in the Residence oh God now I'm doing it too)
PRESIDENT MICHAEL takes the PODIUM.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
Ladies and gentlemen, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth, but what we've got here is a failure to communicate. I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore.
(string section swells)
Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life, but I’m still willin' to fight and die for that inch. I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next...
(brass section swells)
...and you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee. By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you dine in hell. So when you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend's face...
(marching snare drums beat string and brass sections to death)
...you'll want me on that wall, and you'll win one for the Gipper, because Ducks fly together. They may take our lives, but we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards our Independence Day.
(pauses)
Also we're gonna take away your cars and guns and Sen. Dreyfuss cries after he fucks so I don't care what you think, America.
The entire PRESS CORPS, all the STAFFERS, all the VIEWERS at home, every FOREIGN HEAD OF STATE AROUND THE WORLD, and the ghosts of THOMAS JEFFERSON and FDR slow-clap and sob with PRIDE. PRESIDENT MICHAEL goes on to solve GLOBAL WARMING and CRIME and win RE-ELECTION with EIGHTY-TWO PERCENT OF THE VOTE. He is succeeded in office by AL GORE, followed by JON HUNTSMAN, followed by PETE BUTTIGIEG, followed at some point later by SHAWNA after she turns 35. PRESIDENT MICHAEL marries ANNETTE and they produce a beautiful and healthy $355 million POLICY INSTITUTE.
PRESIDENT MICHAEL DOUGLAS
It was a good movie, wasn't it, Martin?
MARTIN SHEEN
All in all, I'd say this movie was a big block of cheese, Mr. President.
END